Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

You need to just say no
they need to be in supported living with trained people to help them.
if you say no social services will have to do something and if you agree they’ll basically leave you to it!

how irresponsible tho that poor baby!

Wpuld social services support the baby going at a young age to a full-time nursery?

can you afford to finance them? Obv they will receive money but none of that would go your way,

what is the plan when they choose t have child number 2, with them living in such a supported way for dc 1?

but... its case by case isnt it. Anyway this op has a 19 year old soon to be father for a son, so she cant run away from it mentally its always there. Always a source of worry. Its a hard life. Parents of NT kids/adult kids, have no idea what its like.

It’s not up to the state to provide everything though. As parents it’s our job to go out and earn the money to provide for our children

Two learning disabled parents will give any child of theirs very little advantage.

Absolutely this. I’m sure some people will hold up their hands in horror, but it’s the cold hard truth

No, no and no again. SS will do anything to get out of having responsibility. If you do this you will be stuck with it.

I don't think SS are unreasonable for asking the OP if her son, his girlfriend and baby can stay half the week. Equally, I don't think the OP is unreasonable for wanting to say No. Surely SS should ask family first to assist before taking further steps?

OP, you have a huge amount on your plate, with your son's disability, working and having to care for your elderly Mum. Having your son, his girlfriend and baby living with you for half the week, isn't something that can be sustained long-term. To me it's a very short-term solution.

What happens if you say No? Is there any kind of plan from SS? Is your son and his girlfriend capable of looking after the baby? How much support do they need?

I would have to stand by my ND child and help him. Nero diversity is incredibly unique to each person, even my parents who I'm very close to don't really understand how it affects my DS. I doubt he will be an adult at 18yrs. Its so stressful. I find that people are either banging on about how PIP/DLA shouldn't be paid for "just" autism, and then you read this thread where it's clear that people don't think there capable of being parents which would indicate a level of disability.

As has been said below, social care (they have not been called social services for all of this century but nobody ever seems able to grasp that) has a duty to look first to the family to see if the family can assist in bringing up the children.

If that can’t be done then there are limited options. It seems unlikely that the parents can manage this baby full-time but this will have to be assessed, possibly in a parent and baby home and that will be time limited. If it is assessed that they cannot manage to care well enough to meet the baby’s needs in the short medium a long-term, then there will be care proceedings. The needs of the parents for assistance would also be taken into account.

If the court agrees that the parents can’t meet the child needs then a child might be placed for adoption.

Above all, the needs of the child for a timely resolution will be prioritised.

Social care is funded by taxpayers, who are not generous in these matters.

You’re being a little delusional here. op says they have care needs, and therefore that suggests they cannot fully care for themselves. Let alone a child.

The thing is, none of us know how her sons autism presents. It could be anything, we don't know what he's doing at college, it could be A levels or basic skills. We also don't know anything about the mother of this baby and what is going on for her.

It might be that they could parent successfully, or there is no chance of this and the baby (if not in a safe environment with involved grandparents) will be removed very quickly.

I think what ever lies ahead is quite probably a long and difficult road and it is not good for this baby to make the assumption that either or both sets of grandparents will be able to cope, short or long term

He also has a learning disability as does his partner. Add that to autism and it suggests a significantly impaired capacity to parent in both of them.

I am surprised how many posters would just let their grandchild go into care

Yes, I understand that mentally it's always there. The point that I'm trying to make - in a rather inarticulate manner, probably - is that support outside the family is better sought now rather than later.

Thank you, I missed that and of course it changes things.

However, the grandparents need to be signed up for providing hands on support for the next 18 years and possibly well beyond. If they're not, it is much better to know now.

Do people know outcomes for kids in care are poorer?

Is she only a teenager as well? So so they live with her daily the rest of the week? What a mess. If you need support, can you not keep chasing social services and say that if they don’t provide it you will have to hand them over to their care? If she is going to go through with this pregnancy then that’s another conversation entirely as you would probably end up raising the child. Nightmare

There's so much more to it than this.

Someone very close to me was brought up by his grandparents. He loved them dearly, but life was so much harder for him as a result of being brought up by a "Mum" and "Dad" who were so much older than the norm.

Life would likely have been even harder for him if he had been adopted. Children do much better when they remain in their family of origin, even if their carers are older.

But Mum and Dad would still be in there lives if they didn't go in to care so that wouldn't be a problem.

Delibrately, or even unintentionally through lack of due care, getting pregnant with no home or income in place does tend to determine who is a bad parent though!

What I love about some of these comments are people call social services baby snatchers but then when they approach family to offer support so children don’t get put into care they are slammed. OP it is 100% okay to say no but if your son and his gf are not able to care for the child then the child may end up living elsewhere. It’s a horrible situation for you to be in through no fault of your own. If it’s not practical for you to care for the baby/your son then you can say no. I’m guessing social services are doing parenting assessments of your son and his gf and are trying to do it in a safe way. If this is not possible then they need to come up with another solution. I hope it works out okay and you get support for you whatever outcome you get. It’s not your bfs fault or unreasonable that he doesn’t want a baby living in the home.

OP's son is at college and capable of being in a relationship. It's not the state's duty to subsidise him for life. People need to face their responsibilities, as individuals and as parents.

He had an extremely hard childhood and lost his "Dad" when he was young. He had what would now be recognised as PTSD because of some of his experiences.

When he married, he and his wife adopted a 2 yr old and later, a baby. (Different birth origins.)

The siblings are very close to one another and have had a very good life with extremely successful careers. They've been given the opportunity to read all the information about their biological background but have refused (apart from when of them needed medical information).

They're now middle-aged with families of their own.

It does vary a great deal.

The situation with the OP's family is very different. The fact that the OP is being asked to cope with two learning disabled adults plus a baby makes things so much harder.

True.