Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

Which legislation do you think applies here? Are you thinking of disability law? Because that does not apply to supporting people to parent. The children act does not legally oblige children's services to house these parents either. Which bit of law are you referring to?

1. You don't feel you have capacity

1. You don't think they would accept your input

1. Your partner is not on board

Point 2 seems particularly difficult to work around. With 1 and 3 there might be room for negotiation if you definitely wanted to do it. E.g. 2 nights a week instead of 3 or 4. Or they do a parent and baby placement first and then you will have them if that is successful. But if they're likely to be combative it sounds unworkable.

With both parents having learning disabilities what is the chance of baby being intellectually disabled as well?

OP, are you able to provide care to effectively three vulnerable people?

@TheOchreEaglewhere are social care proposing they are housed for the rest of the week? At her mum’s house?

I would say no. I know it sounds awful, but as you’ve said you cannot watch them all the time and at 19 you shouldn’t have to. If there are concerns about them not being able to the care of a baby then perhaps it is for the best the baby is in care ? Because it sounds to me they are using you to avoid doing this and my worry is of something dire happen what does that mean for you - especially since you care for your mum.

None of this is your fault. Sending you a big hug. Don’t be hard on yourself.

Of course not! But this was a vulnerable teenager and we could have been murders or something.
Besides when we insisted he couldn't stay they magically did find somewhere else for him to live so...
They won't leave teenagers homeless especially in the OPs case but if they can force family to take them they will and then will never bother with the family again and insist they have to stay there because there is nowhere else.
If you say from the beginning you can't help they will have to offer support, although I don't know what that support would look like.

^ This.

@plasticplate is right.

This. The OP is being asked to give up her whole life forever. It's not an easy ask.

Utterly ridiculous and I would say a big firm no to this suggestion. I deal with social workers in my job. There are some committed and diligent ones but many are lazy and inherently stupid. As other posters have said social services will bail out the minute they think things are resolved. If you have any problems you won't be able to get hold of anyone.

Absolutely agree, SS will drop and run as soon as you agree to this. I have no idea why they think splitting the week between 2 households will work. It won’t

my mum had a relative who needed carers 4 times a day including a twilight call at 4 am. My mum said she could stay at his house for a couple of weeks only then she would have to go back to her own house

SS within the 2 weeks cancelled the twilight visit as my mum was there without telling anyone and told her they couldn’t reinstate the visit and if my mum wasn’t there overnight the person would have to go into a home. Propley screwed them both other

do not agree to any trial period if you can’t take this on for what, the next 16 years

That rings a bell.

When my husband had his stroke, I was promised that the'd get three visits a day. On the day that he was discharged, the care manager took one look at me and cut the visits to one a day.

My mother with severe osteoporosis and dementia was living with us and I worked full time.

After three days (I think) DH's care was withdrawn completely - I was instructed to get him up, dressed and breakfasted before I went to work and to leave lunch for him in the fridge.

The only problem was that I did have a carer coming in for my mum, but often had to help the carer or step in when whoever was on turned up late - or didn't get there at all. It reached the stage that I was only just getting into work on time and no more.

I don't understand why so many people think adoption would be a poor outcome. I think the opportunity for the child to be brought up by capable and stable family would be ideal.

Sorry, I missed this. So, the pregnant girlfriend is living at home and your son is living with you currently?

Is the mum suggesting your son also lives with her half the week? Or is she agreeing to have the daughter and baby stay for half the week, but then wants her daughter to take the baby away the other half, but not your son at all?

@WearyAuldWumman im sorry you got the same issue

the message here is do not accept any trial periods or see how it goes from SS for impossible situations for you and your family. As soon as you try something SS will stop offering support and taking your calls for help

Of course you’ll blame yourself OP, I think guilt arrives in your life with the baby but this is not your fault. You’ve tried to avoid teen PG and unfortunately that hasn’t worked.

Are you able to talk to him about what he wants?

I don’t think you’d be in the wrong at all to say no to this arrangement. Is his GF under 18 and has her Mum said why she’d only be willing to have her and the baby half a week?

It's a tough one and my instinct would be to say no if I was in OPs position. However, I also sympathise with the girls mother as she might end up carrying the full weight of responsibility - as usually happens in these situations, where parents are either to young to parent their child independently or are otherwise incapble. The maternal family end up making the sacrifices and supporting the mother and baby, whether they want to or not, despite both parents being equally responsible (or irresponsible) for the pregnancy.

Legislation that may apply to two autistic young adults having a baby and social services are already involved?
Off the top of my head
The children's act, the care act, all the safeguarding and vulnerable adult regulations, children and family act, could possibly argue human rights act and equality act in so far as right to support for family life etc, then there's the issue of capacity which if applicable has a shit tonne of stuff.

If it was one of my sons I would be making a loooong list of potential legislation and guidance that may apply or which you could use to make the argument that social services has a duty of care here.

When I worked in the field many many many years ago we had a project that was independent living flats for vulnerable people who were parents.

Absolutely not @TheOchreEagle

This just isn’t manageable for you so say no and stick to it

Probably for the same reasons that OP doesn't want them there at all, and most people (myself included) are saying that it's unworkable.

I’d say no to this. Are ss saying they’re not capable of caring for the baby without support? Or if you say no will they support them regarding getting housed. Because if family house them that’ll be it for ever and a day. They’ll be so far down a housing list compared to being homeless. I guess her mum may end up doing the whole week which is sad for her if she does.

and if they’re incapable then adoption probably is best. I’m not parenting a grandchild

Having felt very manipulated and hugely let down by SS, I can only advise from my perspective.
Do the thing that suits you and not them. Don't be bullied or schmoozed.
You are still working, from home.
Have another adult and a baby home half the week may make that difficult.
And then your own relationship.
Pushing two young people to live together, even for half the week, with a new baby, is a recipe for disaster.

Partner? Are they your sons biological parent? If not then they dont get a say or thought on this 😊
Kids come first always, and i tell you something social will have great ease putting that little baby into 'care'. Partner? Are they your sons biological parent? If not then they dont get a say or thought on this 😊

Kids come first always, and i tell you something social will have great ease putting that little baby into 'care'.

They are not always capable or stable

Yep MN rules are that a step parent gets no say unless it involves handing over £££££££ or childcare/ housework created by the child like washing etc