Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

I know ss and housing have nothing to do with each other, i work in housing. They are currently housed, but if OP says no she wont house them, then they wont be housed as only stay at girlfriends house half the week, and have nowhere else the rest of the week. For them to be housed they essentially need to be on paper 'homeless' and then LA would be able to prioritise them as theyre both vulnerable, homeless and pregnant. However this varies from LA to LA and how dire the housing situation is in each area.

Example North tyneside youd be housed in this exact scenario within 3 months, as the LA has more housing stock, whereas in Newcastle, theyd sadly be waiting a lot longer as less housing stock and would likely have to go to a complex case panel. So it really does vary. Ive worked accross lots of different LAs.

OP, i sincerely hope that they get the support they need, but while technically 'housed' by you they won't, youll have to tell them they have X months to leave your home, which i appreciate is hard, however will help your case. You have some hard calls to make here!

Individual lives vary of course. But it's very settled knowledge that children have better outcomes across the board when they are raised within their family of origin, even notwithstanding low income, poor or overcrowded housing etc than those raised in foster care or adoption.

Of course it's a problem, since they're impaired by a learning disability and Social Care has already decided that they can't cope on their own.

I mentioned upthread that I have experience of working with a pupil who lived with is grandparents and intellectually impaired father. That pupil was under constant stress.

I recall that the least of his problems was the fact that his grandparents' will left their estate to his intellectually impaired father and he lived in fear of losing his place of abode. (Yes, very bad planning on the grandparents' part, given the circumstances.)

That will only help the case if it's viable for the two teenagers to raise a baby together in their own home. Quite likely that would be completely unsafe, so I wouldn't be advising OP to pursue that route.

I don't imagine moving homes every 3 or 4 days would be good for any of them.

I meant your example of the grandparents raising the child. If the child was cared for by grandparents and the parents were still in its life they would still have younger parents. A lot of this thread has also focused on the child having numerous SEN issues and not being NT so who knows how the child will react.

Absolutely not, social services are just after an easy fix. You can help them when and where you want to help not when social services say so

Say no... they will have to get them supported living or a place to live with support.
Its not fair on yourself they will have to learn to stand on their own two feet at some point.. so now it is .

Fuck sake
Nothing about this is an 'easy fix'
The attitude towards social workers on this thread is vile

No they really won't. If she says no, it's not a 'who blinks last' situation, the child might end up in care.

It isn’t a matter of just letting their grandchild go into care. To take this on Op would essentially be supporting two significantly disabled people along with a child. With no end date and minimal support.

Yes I agree, don't do it.
We had a massive fight with SS regarding my DDs boyfriend a few years ago..He moved out of home and wound up with us for five nights. Five days of fighting with the council and then SS. We eventually basically forced the SW to meet us and take him in. We were due to move house that weekend and the stress was ridiculous. SS kept asking us to keep him just one more night.
That was a boy that wasn't even related to us, we could have been anyone and even DDs school got involved I imagine it would be even worse if it was actually family.

I think what sethandrubenn is saying is that while adults can be supported in specialist housing but not children where the parents are unable to learn how to look after the child.
this may be sad but I imagine very realistic.

That's a completely different situation.
In those situations where the parents refuse to have their teenager back there is NOWHERE for them to be put by social services so they have no choice but to call around anyone who might take them. Some parents believe if you just 'refuse' to have your child back that a home will magically be found for them but it's just impossible. Do you think social workers are holding out on you and secretly hoarding suitable available foster homes!? It's a completely shit and impossible situation when it happens.

Well if you don’t the child might get taken off them. That’s your grandchild.

And what if they produce another grandchild and then another. An awkward question that no one wants to answer

It’s the girlfriend’s mum’s grandchild too.

Why don’t you house them then

Actually the law says children are better looked after within their own families unless it is unsafe to do so.

Thats why you are being asked OP the services have a duty to try that option first. If you already know you will struggle to have influence over these two young adults then you are right to be cautious. Once a baby comes into the equation the focus has to be different and that can be a very difficult balance to manage. The safety of the baby would have to be your priority however your adult son and his girlfriend may not be able to understand that or accept it which could lead to difficulties in your relationship with them. If they cannot manage would you or the other grandparent be prepared to raise this child?

The person close to me didn't have a parent in his life, though he was able to connect with siblings in his later years.

Most of my pupils being raised by grandparents were in a situation where the parents were absent or intellectually impaired, either through disability or through drug use. I acknowledge, however, that many of them still sought a connection with the parents.

I can also think of pupils whose lives improved once they were removed from a parent who really wasn't fit for parenting. I'm thinking of one pupil in particular where the intellectually impaired parent beat the children. Fortunately in that case, the foster carers were able to trace an older sibling who had protected their foster-child and to give him a positive birth family connection, so I can understand what you're saying about the importance of the birth family.

But yes - the OP's family is in an unusually challenged situation and I genuinely do not see how she can be expected to cope with two intellectually disabled adults plus a baby.

Dont do it.
Social services will screw you over. The second you accept this, they will walk away.

If you want them to getthe support they need and are entitled to as vulnerable people you have to force social services to fulfil their legal responsibilities by refusing to step in and house them
I know it seems heartless but it is the only way they will get help.
If you dont then they will live between you and her mum indefinitely and that is in nobody's best interests.
Once ss are forced to support them and have that in place, you can be supportive and help out informally

I noticed where you said you blamed yourself but please don't because it's not your fault at all. There's nothing you could have done to prevent it.

These two young people don't seem at all prepared for the responsibility of parenthood so it might be best all around if the baby is adopted out. But of course that's not a decision you have to make.

As for having the baby and mother there half the week, honestly, it's clear that it's just too much and it's not the only option available. So I'd just say no, before you get in deeper and can't get out of it. It's okay and quite reasonable to say no. :)

Well yes. This was what happened with one of my pupils. The parent was autistic and had 7 children in the end. My pupil was the youngest. It took a long time before social services removed them.

The parent seemingly couldn't cope and reacted by physically abusing the children, with the eldest trying to protect their siblings.

That is horrific and so bloody sad 😥