Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

But people with LD do often struggle with planning, good decision making and consequences. A baby will be the ultimate test of this, the fact that SS are involved at all suggests there is concern they won't be able to manage. Therefore I don't think it's unreasonable for the mother of a daughter with LD to advocate very strongly for LARC, because having a baby removed would be so much worse for everybody, but especially her, and could definitely happen here.

This is an incredibly difficult situation for you.
it was really unfair of SS to drop this on you in a meeting.
Do not take this on, there is an extreme shortage of care & support on top of that social housing in most areas is impossible to obtain.
I fear if you say yes now the family will receive little or no help & it will be recommend they “stay” with you & the girls mother for support & stability.
Chances are the closer the due date gets the more involved SS will be, child planning and protection meetings ect it sounds like you have enough going on without this added pressure.

This.

No it's not.

OP made no mention of adoption, so I assume that’s not on the table at the moment.

Of course services are stretched, but if anything this is a situation in which it makes absolute sense to try and have as much support as possible from SS and LA.

A former coworker with learning disabilities was in a similar situation at 20 and she was placed in her own flat and the family helped as they could. Obviously the extent of disabilities is different for each person but AFAIK the kid is being brought up fine and healthy.

Maybe this varies by area? A former coworker’s DD was in a similar situation and she was housed before the pregnancy even ended.

the answer is, of course, no. Unless you're happy with them being with you for years and years.

You'll be looking after all three for a very long time if you say yes.

Crazy idea for the young people to be shuttling between 2 houses, and definitely not workable for you. You can offer them all the support you can manage but they need a stable home and you can't be permanently on call as their carer.
Highly questionable what sort of support you'd get from Social Services - don't let them pressurise you into an impossible situation.

I would be pushing for an assessment placement for at least the girlfriend and baby. From experience it becomes clear very quickly whether she can be good enough to care for the baby. But you would have to accept the the baby would go into care and be adopted, albeit perhaps in an open adoption, if she couldn’t manage. Everything seems possible until the reality kicks in. Say no but keep supporting your son and push SS.

Which would probably be the best outcome. What kind of life is the child going to have?

Reading this with a lot of sympathy, OP. We live with autism in our family too, so I want to say the thing I wish someone had said to us earlier in these kinds of decisions: your instincts about your own household matter, and saying no does not make you a bad mum.

Two things stood out to me. First, for an autistic young adult who is resistant to being told anything, having two extra people move into his bedroom is not a small adjustment, it is a massive disruption to his space and routine, and you would be the one absorbing the fallout every single day. Second, 'close monitoring' sounds reassuring until you ask who is actually doing it and for how many hours. If the answer is mostly you, on top of work, then that is not support, that is a handover.

I would also ask social services, in writing, what the alternative arrangement is if you decline, because there has to be one. You are allowed to love your son, want to help, and still not be the plan. A stable home you can offer support from a distance is worth more to everyone than a setup that breaks your relationship. Sending strength, this is a horrible position to be in.

'The best of parents' would not have initiated a pregnancy without suitable housing and an income.

So, basically, social services want the grandparents to raise this child so they don't have to worry about it, and are trying to set up a co-parenting arrangement where you and the girl's family have 50/50 custody of kids + baby? Sorry, but that's mental. No way would shuttling a family of three between two households work long-term, and what happens when she gets pregnant again?

This is an excellent comment.

This is such an excellent post ^^

Also reading with much sympathy as the parent of a YA with ASD. This is such a tough situation for you op. 💐

I would be meeting your son’s gf and her parents tbh. It’s all very well that your son and his gf are not receptive to being told what to do, but equally it’s far from fair that they are expecting everyone around them to blow up their own lives so they can raise a child, something you have stated they will need a lot of help to do.

You don’t need to be told that your son has been ridiculously irresponsible and I would be talking to him very forcefully about the reality of the situation and how he intends to support himself, his girlfriend and their baby? Is he going to leave college? Really try and bring it home to him and his gf the difficulty they are in.

And agree with pp above; will his autism allow him to tolerate three of them in his room and transitioning from one house to another weekly? It’s a very poor plan from an ND perspective.

I completely agree with the sentiment that family should look after their own if at all possible but people are overlooking the fact that op works from home. How is she supposed to do that with a baby living with her half of the time and two teens who will need a lot of support to parent the infant?

If op can’t bring in an income because she is needed to look after a baby, as well as supporting her elderly mum, and the teens, how is she supposed to support herself financially and her son? Especially if her relationship breaks down? Or if she supposed to chuck everything and rely on benefits too?

It may be the noble thing to do to say yes to SS but will Op be in the best position to help if she blows up her own life along with her son’s? I doubt it.

No. That is no way to proceed.
Say no.

They need their own place and for all their support (family) to be well rested, working and earning well so to be able to offer energetic support sometimes.

This!!!

Exactly this!!

If the family can’t or won’t look after the baby? Not quite as straight forward as you seem to believe.

And this is the reality of the social housing crisis, this couple deserve their own home with support - and that’s what both sets of parents need them to have too

Maybe there wouldn't be a housing crisis if people stopped having babies when they shouldn't? All this 'love will provide nothing else matters' is bollocks to be perfectly honest

Say no unless you are prepared to essentially become the baby’s mum. Social services will do naff all while baby is safe with you and other grandma.

I do know one grandma in similar circumstances (teen child with learning difficulties) who took in her daughter and granddaughter. The daughter is now pretty much no contact but the granddaughter has thrived. She does have learning difficulties too.

Two young parents with learning disabilities, and an autistic father. Is abortion an option? Followed by strict, supervised/permanent contraception until they are older and work out their own issues, if that is possible.

I'd say no as others have said SS want you to do their job for them you can help them out in other ways but they'll be better off in the long run as it means SS will have to find them a house to live in