If you have KS2/3 aged kids who are NOT SEN honestly how easy or hard do you think SEN parents have it?

[Notjoinedup]

I’m sitting here about to explode.

My two autistic children are in mainstream, hanging on by the skin of their teeth, there is no other even half suitable setting nearby. One of them has ft 1:1.

There is a school trip overseas, run by the language department. As it happens I never even considered putting my kids’ names down, it would absolutely be too much for them. Places are limited to 30, and there are about 150 kids in the year.

It has kicked off because not everyone that wanted a place got one. And I’m listening to a parent bleating on social media about how her child will be emotionally held back by her not getting a place, how it’s unfair that there are limited places, and that everyone that wants to go should go.

Clearly SEN parenting is a parallel universe because there are significant things that kids like mine can’t access, despite any amount of adjustment, it’s all too much for them. But fuck, let’s all take a moment to remember one kid who didn’t get to go to bloody Belgium for 4 days.

Is NT parenting THAT easy? Is that all they have to worry about?

All parents have things to worry about and it’s all relative. I’m sorry that it is hard for you and your DC.

It still isn’t a competition though. I have an autistic child who can’t even attend school most of the time and life can be incredibly hard due to that. But it doesn’t mean that everything has to be compared to that.

If one of my NT DC missed out on a place on a trip that they really wanted to go on, then I would still care, I wouldn’t be belittling their feelings and saying “Well, is that all you’ve got to worry about?!”

I can’t help wondering though if this is another one of those goady threads designed to cause division and arguments… apologies if not, but there a bit of theme going on around here..

It's all about perspective i'm afraid.

Parents of NT children have problems too.

But I do understand where you're coming from.

Kindly, YABU.

Someone without any children could come along and read this post thinking “At least you have a family”.

I think no good can come from a post pitting nd parents against nt parents. We're all just parents, and nt parents are perfectly entitled to feel disappointed for their children missing out too. This parent might well be irritating, particularly if it was always known it would be a bit of a lottery, so I may agree with you about that. But broadening this out into an argument about nt parents having it so easy is really unhelpful. Sorry.

I'm the parent of a nd child BTW. I think there's a lot of understanding out there from nt parents on the whole, and a general acceptance that things are tough for nd kids and their families. It's far too easy to get chewed up with bitterness over how 'easy' things may be for others. This is one annoying parent. They exist in all walks.

I totally get you. I hear mums of NT kids going on about trivial things all the time as though it's the end of the world and every time I just think to myself that they just clearly don't have a clue at all, so many people don't. My two are ASD and after hanging on by a thread are now unable to attend mainstream due to crippling school anxiety. The only option is to home ed them. And even then, you can just tell other people don't get it ...they either think I'm odd, lucky or over reacting as they are, as you say, in a parallel universe. Takes me about an hour just to get breakfast down my two... On a good day. I hear you lass.

Sorry that you are struggling but I think you're being unreasonable. People don't have to just put up with unfairness (if that's what it is) from the school just because you have it harder.

We all have troubles- some people's are worse than yours but you presumably wouldn't appreciate them deciding you had no right to complain.

Just unfollow them on SM if they are annoying you.

DD1 is ND but is lucky enough to just need mild adjustments.
I work with children, some of whom have autism. They need another more help than DD, and I can see how much more of a struggle it can be.
Then one of them has a sibling, whose condition is even more severe. I can't even imagine how much of a strain that is... but their mother looks constantly exhausted.

My DD was lucky enough to get a space on the limited trips this year. Honestly, since the biggest hurdle is financial the ones lucky enough to even be able to consider going havecan advantage anyway.

I have one NT (although they have dyslexia) and one ND, the NT one is a walk in the park!

This isn't about children being NT or ND. It's just about children. They're all different and all have their own challenges and disappointments, but also experiences and perspectives they make them who they are, but it's normal that most parents want the best for their child.

YABVVVVVVU

It's not a race to the bottom.

I have one NT child and one ND child (who also can't do school trips).

Just because a parent has a NT child, doesn't mean their life is a bed of roses or don't have their own challenges or worries.

You are clearly projecting your own feelings and upset.

This post is in really bad taste to be honest.

I have two DC...one with sn and one without. My dc with sn is actually the easiest one to parent.

Mine are all still primary age but yes parenting my x2 NT children is a piece of piss compared to my ND child.

My eldest didn't get their first choice secondary school and I'm surprised how gutted I was (DC is fine with second choice which is also a great school)

I think that sums it up for me. That's the only issue / complaint / concern I've had since eldest DC started full time preschool there in early 2016. My only real upset in 8.5 years is my child not getting their first choice secondary school.

** they did almost 2 years in preschool.

This. I don't envy parents with horrendous struggles obviously. But, I've also been TTC for 4 years, have had 2 MMC, and spent my entire life savings on IVF with nothing to show for it.
The point is that everyone has struggles. Everyone can say "well at least you have/ don't have.... whatever"
Someone who has a totally non verbal child who needs 24/7 care could think you're lucky. Someone like me who can't conceive might think at least you could have kids.
But I do sympathise with you and I know it must be very very hard.

Oh god, the more I reflect on this post the more angry I get!

Yabvu. It’s not always about SEN kids, why are you turning this situation that has nothing to do with SEN into a competition of who has it worse? Also you have no idea of this is all those families have to worry about or not, I bet some of them have things worse than you.

So parents of nt children aren't allowed to have concerns or worries or challenges? I think that's a very unfair view, you clearly have it really tough and I sympathise but attacking other parents isn't fair. I don't think people should have to not talk about anything to avoid upsetting someone who might have it harder.

YABU

Exploding because other people are upset, I mean 'bleating on' is ludicrous.

Everyone has a story. Not just people with SEN children. At least your kid hasn't got cancer or wasn't sexually abused or isn't an orphan whatever else people have to deal with.

But there's always someone worse off you could say this in any context.

My son has what would be called severe autism he will never be in a mainstream school. It's very challenging. But we are in a support group with children in and out of great ormond street who have life limiting diseases....

I choose not to spend my time with NT parents as their struggles are different to mine, it's not my job to lessen their struggles but I recognise it's not great for my mental health when my daily experience is every different.

That’s absolutely fair enough and I suppose I know I’m being eye rollingly unreasonable sort of.
Mine are all IVF and I have every sympathy for what you’re going through. I really hope you find success very very soon. X x x

My DS died. Am I allowed to be upset? Or do I have to be thankful he didn't have SEN?

Sorry but this post has made me irrationally angry because I know far far too many 'mums of SEN kids' who literally think the world revolves around them and that they have bigger problems than anyone else. Usually it's a combination ASD and/or ADHD and ultimately terrible parenting and these women wear the 'mum of SEN kids' as a badge of honour. God knows why!

I didn’t say that. I think what’s got on my nips is the handwringing that went with the lament of the missed school trip. I suppose it threw into very sharp relief that some parents have never even considered anyone beyond their own privileged experience.

It's about perspective.

Not getting a place on the school trip is a disappointment but not disastrous. It seems like the trip is badly organised if so few that want to attend get to do so. It also seems like this mum, although understandably annoyed by the set up, has got the level of disappointment out of proportion.

I have a teenager who is diagnosed ADHD and ASD. Her struggles are immense. Some days our bar is set so low that all being alive at the end of the day is regarded as that day's success. You have my full sympathy for your situation OP. I know what it's like and aschool trip abroad would never be an option for us either.

Everyone experiences some struggles at times. It's just they are different for everyone and are about different things.

I don't think it helps to compare. I think that's why SEN parents tend to gather together, either in real life or online, for their support. It's hard to really understand what it's like if you don't experience it.

I’m very very sorry for your loss.

My friends dd was hit by a car which mounted a pavement just as they left school. He was four. He was holding on to the pushchair at the time. No France for him.