If you have KS2/3 aged kids who are NOT SEN honestly how easy or hard do you think SEN parents have it?

[Notjoinedup]

I’m sitting here about to explode.

My two autistic children are in mainstream, hanging on by the skin of their teeth, there is no other even half suitable setting nearby. One of them has ft 1:1.

There is a school trip overseas, run by the language department. As it happens I never even considered putting my kids’ names down, it would absolutely be too much for them. Places are limited to 30, and there are about 150 kids in the year.

It has kicked off because not everyone that wanted a place got one. And I’m listening to a parent bleating on social media about how her child will be emotionally held back by her not getting a place, how it’s unfair that there are limited places, and that everyone that wants to go should go.

Clearly SEN parenting is a parallel universe because there are significant things that kids like mine can’t access, despite any amount of adjustment, it’s all too much for them. But fuck, let’s all take a moment to remember one kid who didn’t get to go to bloody Belgium for 4 days.

Is NT parenting THAT easy? Is that all they have to worry about?

I get you OP. Parenting my NT child is an absolute piece of p1ss compared to parenting my autistic 5 year old. When friends with similar age NT kids complain about how hard it is I just roll my eyes to myself, they have no idea! I expect most people saying yabu don't have sen kids!

Not sure why my previous comment has been deleted because I didn't say anything untrue.

My DS is constantly worried but I guess his worries and my concerns are not allowed to be voiced!!

I know someone who lost two when they were babies. Both only a few months old and only a couple of years apart. She also went on to have a ND child.

@Notjoinedup
Although your post isn't specific to school trips, I fully understand why staff at my school don't want to organise trips when they've had parents treat them dreadfully. The amount of work that goes on to organise and run even a local trip is immense and staff are not given extra time to do the admin behind the scenes. Factor in risk assessments, organising staffing, balancing the finances and you can see why staff wouldn't want to spend their personal time planning and running trips which often continue out of their paid working hours. As you mention OP, there are plenty who won't access an activity due to their needs or money. There is a way to address this respectfully with a school and ways not to do it!

The sense of entitlement we witness is shocking. It doesn't set a good example for their children either who don't learn how to be resilient to disappointment.

And if a parent of a very unwell child in hospital said your struggles in life with your dc were 'stupid shit' would you accept that?

That situation would never arise because I would not offload my problems to someone who had an unwell child in hospital.

The Mum is disappointed in a somewhat unreasonable way, but at the same time I get that. It is well publicised that children with SEN are getting an extremely raw deal at the moment and have been for sometime. A few people would dispute this.

I don’t understand why you are making this situation about you and your children. What has one situation got to do with the other?

I sympathise with you OP it's hard - I have one autistic child who no longer is in school and another that finds things very easy academically, sporty, has an amazing group of friends, chosen for events etc... the complete opposite of my other DC.

Would I be cross if my DS wasn't chosen though - yes and it has nothing to do with comparing how easy or hard they have it. I think if a school puts on a trip then every child should be able to go if they wish - I hate all this only 30 children - why do it, I know you need to fill a coach bit organise something then that's accessible for everyone.

It is a struggle though having an autistic son, though he is happy so sometimes I feel it's my issue not his. I don't think others realise how hard it is but you don't know others struggles behind closed doors so don't waste your energy in comparing lives.

It's not a straight comparison. ND is absolutely life on hard mode, but then so are things like poverty, illness, family drama, job, housing or food insecurity, parental mental health....

I usually find that people who get overly worked up about small stuff like that usually have a different stress in their life that's causing them to overreact.

OP I have one DC with asd and two NT children but I'm blessed that he is in an asd class attached to a mainstream school so integrates quite a lot to mainstream but also has his lovely small class with only 6 children in it. He has an amazing teacher and fabulous special needs assistants so we are very lucky but I 100% understand how you feel. From your post I assumed you were empathising with any parent whose child had extra needs be they illness or otherwise.

And some people have no idea about other situations in life. Some of us don’t have SEN kids but have worse/harder things to contend with. Parents with SEN kids don’t own hard lives. Maybe one of these parents has a harder situation too.

Yabu. The world they live in is completely different to yours and why should they be held responsible to go through the ins and outs of your situation when it isn't relevant to them? That sounds harsh but I can guarantee you that there are some things in your own life that people would rather have. Why would my mind even consider this if it was not relevant to me, and that goes for a million other things that don't feature in my life.

It reads like you think your position is the one of sympathy. To many of us it's the same as the who you're complaining about.
I'm sorry your child is ND but my ND son is a breeze compared to the daily worry of his NT Dsis.
My incredibly bright NT DD carries two epi pens everywhere she goes, never knowing when she'll be fighting for her life, alongside CHD. It doesn't compare but then again I wouldnt try.

You couldn't be more wrong

Op you might get different responses in the sen boards. Whenever I have commented on how easy raising nt kids seems to me as I have severely disabled kids, I get tutted at.

OP you may have been just like the woman you complain about if you didn’t happen to have a child with SEN. We are all products of our environments.

I think this is a thought to keep to yourself or with other SEN parents.

I know what you mean- day to day life with DD is moderately challenging- but the thing I find the most draining is dealing with the absolutely broken SEND system- always having to think 2 years ahead, being in a constant legal wrangle, the impact it's having on my career due to the restrictions on mobility. Not knowing if she will ever leave home or manage a job and the absolute life long commitment to that level of parenting. It wears you down- there's always another email to send to try and get them their basic legal entitlement. All that leaves you on very very thin ice a lot of the time. My NT child has troubles at times too but I don't worry they will never be self sufficient. A colleague asked me if DD would grow out of her autism this week and it took all my powers to respond kindly, as he asked out of genuine interest.

This thread has all gone a bit Four Yorkshiremen though- of course someone always has it worse, but this is why SEN support groups are so important and where you can voice things you can't with others.

I actually think this thread is really unpleasant. OP is clearly struggling and everyone are having a go at her.

OP, it sounds like you have had a really tough day and that you need a good moan about things. I think you also need to have an early night, a large glass of wine (maybe in bed), watch some rubbish on TV and pray that tomorrow is better. That is what I am doing - we have had a really rotten time recently.

@miaoweeee , I am beyond sorry for your loss 💐. I wish there was something I could say…. The loss of a child is horrific.

Honestly, I get it. I have a child whose needs are so severe that she can't be alone for even a second, relies on technology to stay alive and our life is very complicated and mostly downright difficult. I hear people moaning about trivial things to do with their very normal kids all the time and inwardly I can't help but do a little eye roll. But I try to remember that it's all relative, we are all just out here doing the best we can for our kids. In my case that's maintaining my child's airway and for another parent that's trying to get their kids onto the latest school trip.

Op started the thread having a go at other people?

I have two NT children and I think parenting on the whole at this pre teen / over 7 age is fairly easy. Life is busy but the children are fairly self sufficient; they need basic care (laundry, food) and guidance for a few things but they wash themselves, dress themselves, sort themselves out re toilet etc and feed themselves - rarely even now needing help cutting food. They still need a lot of time but this mostly comes in the form of family activities everyone enjoys. I have two who entertain each other so we get a fair bit of adult time too as they mostly play together

I get that you could have worded things a little differently, but you have every right to moan on an internet forum about things being hard. It is frustrating to hear about normal things that your child can't access for any reason. Hope things get easier for your child as they get older. School can be brutal for anyone that doesn't fit the mould, but often work can be different. I went to school with a boy who was severely bullied and worked with him in kitchens a couple of years later. He was so much happier there and treated like one of the team.

The trip woman didn't unload her problems TO the OP. She just vented in social media.

When my husband was terminally ill, my friends would start telling me their latest worry or problem, then suddenly stop in embarrassment and apologise.

But I didn't want them to stop. I wanted them to share stuff normally. I wanted to be distracted by other people's normal problems. I can't remember ever thinking that they had no right to those feelings. Even when they were moaning about their husbands!

Yanbu OP

Most people don't have a clue and never will. Unless they walk in your shoes they just won't get it.