If you have KS2/3 aged kids who are NOT SEN honestly how easy or hard do you think SEN parents have it?

[Notjoinedup]

I’m sitting here about to explode.

My two autistic children are in mainstream, hanging on by the skin of their teeth, there is no other even half suitable setting nearby. One of them has ft 1:1.

There is a school trip overseas, run by the language department. As it happens I never even considered putting my kids’ names down, it would absolutely be too much for them. Places are limited to 30, and there are about 150 kids in the year.

It has kicked off because not everyone that wanted a place got one. And I’m listening to a parent bleating on social media about how her child will be emotionally held back by her not getting a place, how it’s unfair that there are limited places, and that everyone that wants to go should go.

Clearly SEN parenting is a parallel universe because there are significant things that kids like mine can’t access, despite any amount of adjustment, it’s all too much for them. But fuck, let’s all take a moment to remember one kid who didn’t get to go to bloody Belgium for 4 days.

Is NT parenting THAT easy? Is that all they have to worry about?

Depends entirely on the SEN, how it presents, how well it is supported both at school and at home, how much support the parents are given etc. In short, how long is a piece of string?

OP, I sympathise. I understand how hard it can be parenting a child who is ND.

I hope you have easier times ahead.

And I hope you find space in your heart to acknowledge that other people have difficult times too.

Even the woman you refer to who is expressing her angst about her hard-done-by child. Try not to begrudge her having a whinge about how he is missing out. That's every parent's job - sticking up for your child against injustices and where you feel they've missed out on an opportunity.

Maybe that’s it. I don’t know if she only has the one. And you’re right, I mostly stick with my SEN tribe and we drag each other through tribunals and hospital stuff and the sometime horrors of it all. Occasionally though, it’s all a bit much.

Yes I have. I don’t think you have though.

"terrible parenting"? Wow. Just wow.

@Jadedbuthappy82 the ones who bang on and on about it, yes, in my experience.

Kindly I think YABU. It can't be a competition of who has it hardest. I have a SEN child at a specialist school who will never live independently. I sometimes get annoyed at SEN parents whose kids can manage at mainstream and don't have it quite as tough as the parents at our school. But then I check myself because I know it's hard for all of us in my own ways. And if we're comparing then I have it easier than other parents at our school whose kids are very aggressive or entirely non verbal etc etc. It's also really hard with my NT child for varying reasons and I'm just as invested in their school life and achievements and ambitions. So basically - you're allowed to moan. But comparing and getting pissed off at other parents isn't helpful.

All parents have things to worry about and it’s all relative. I’m sorry that it is hard for you and your DC.

This. Having a child with SEN is one thing. There are SO, SO many things that can be a worry. My DD has some medical stuff going on that is a huge worry. People have so many other worries. Finances. Marital problems. Job worries. Family health.

I know far far too many 'mums of SEN kids' who literally think the world revolves around them and that they have bigger problems than anyone else

Sadly I'd agree with this.

You are being so unreasonable and so petty.

Since when is "SEN kid" a universal description for a start? You realise that some parents CANNOT leave their child in mainstream for a start, so you know nothing of their struggle. You have it easy compare to some.

YABU to pretend that "not SEN" means everything is simple, effortless and everybody's happy? Just because someone is "not SEN" doesn't mean they haven't had to deal with hardship you know nothing about, and rejection for a trip is the last straw.

Even if it actually doesn't matter for that specific child, well done for his parent to advocate for their own child and be vocal about disagreeing and not liking an unfair system.

That's what parents do, have their kids back. Turning it into a pity competition is not going to help you.

I know far far too many 'mums of SEN kids' who literally think the world revolves around them and that they have bigger problems than anyone else

sadly my experience too

I mostly stick with my SEN tribe and we drag each other through tribunals and hospital stuff and the sometime horrors of it all. Occasionally though, it’s all a bit much.

Remember, there are mums out there with DC seriously ill in hospital, DC with severe brain damage who will never move/talk/eat independently, DC who are adopted due to having been grossly neglected or abused. They think the same about your problems, as you think of the parent unhappy about the school trip.

Same @DearestGentleReader all I could think about when my baby was off being operated on.. 'well at least they don't think any SEN! Check my privilege, lucky us!'

I have 3 DC, all with no SEN, and none of their close friends have SEN either. I focus on my children, supporting them and advocating for them when necessary. I can't say as I ever really concern myself with what struggles SEN kids' parents face, compared with my children's. I am allowed to be upset or annoyed about things that affect my children without feeling guilty about that because other kids are worse off.

I am allowed to be upset or annoyed about things that affect my children without feeling guilty about that because other kids are worse off.

This - we all just want the best for our kids.

As the mum of 3 ND kids, I can hand on heart say if I could choose for my NT daughter to be autistic and healthy rather than NT and ill, I would.

Her disease (Crohn's) is humiliating, painful, undignified, incurable and killed her grandmother. The medication she is on gives her a much higher risk of lymphoma, liver disease. If I take her off it she is almost guaranteed to get bowel cancer. On the other hand, I thank God it's not retinoblastoma or bone cancer or a brain tumor.

We all have different fights we are fighting. SEN is not the worst thing a parent deals with.

I am beyond sorry that you lost your DS but to say that SEN is down to bad parenting and that its a badge of honour to be an SEN parent is out of order and untrue.

I understand that you may be feeling raw and grieving 💐💐

Mums with SEN kids do not own problems and hard lives. There are lots who will have it worse than you. Regardless, others are allowed to be upset when something happens that affects their kids. You also have no idea of the lives of these people. There are worse things to contend with then having kids with SEN.

I agree with you. I'm a single parent of two NT kids, one in KS2 and the other in KS1. My life is considerably easier than my friend who has one ND child who can only manage an hour of school a day and one NT preschooler. For one thing she is at real risk of losing her job and I am not.

The people who kick off about stupid shit like school trips make me laugh, because if my kid didn't get a place on a school trip it would barely go on my radar, I'd just think "that's a shame but never mind" then I'd probably just forget about it. I have bigger things in my life to worry over!

Most of them have nothing else better to do with their time

OP I think much of life is like this. Its hard to accept your cross to bear. It's a sign that you need to come off SM and get some perspective. In the last week I've heard someone worry about a sibling who is 'broke' but is in what I would consider a very good financial position. I've heard a SAHM friend talk about how 'busy' she is and she never gets a minute. I nod along and make the right noises and try not to dwell on it.

In my experience the more I'm struggling the less tolerant or bitchy I get. When going through IVF and hearing a colleague moan about her pregnancy symptoms I wanted to wring her neck. When DS was young and diagnosed with autism I found everyone else's issues to be trivial and ridiculous. Now i see it was all my issues not theirs.

It's really really hard to be in your position OP. I think YABU but think you probably need a bit of time off and I hope you have someone you can offload to.

Mine too, unfortunately

SEN parent. Yeah I privately seethe at how much time other parents must have who aren't constantly arranging meetings, chasing reports, working out when they can schedule therapy, cramming work into every hour between kids bedtime and when I fall asleep so I can keep my job and do everything SEN parents are just expected to do. And that's before it comes to actual parenting. My DS's needs aren't even that severe in the scheme of things.

But YABU. These mums are venting in a class Whatsapp not a SEN space. They can be upset. Emotionally scarred is OTT but I also think it's silly to run a competitive trip for 30 kids. It's asking for upset.

Also, about every month I learn that one family in the class is or has been going through something horrific. SEN parenting is really, really hard but we don't have a monopoly on strife.

I hear you Op, but kindly I think YABU.

I have two boys - one ND and one NT. They can both be a right pain in the bum. Neither was easy as a baby and they both have challenges.

That said my ND boy got to go on a residential trip last year through a charity (will never have anything like that through school). I cannot describe how eternally grateful he got that experience.

I really don't think this post said that autism or ADHD are down to bad parenting.

The problems those particular kids face in life are down to the way they've been parented (maybe in conjunction with being ND, or regardless).

Maybe those parents thought they knew best or were struggling and really didn't know what to do for the best. But anyone can make mistakes and parents' attitudes and choices really are the biggest influence on kids.

And if a parent of a very unwell child in hospital said your struggles in life with your dc were 'stupid shit' would you accept that?

YABVVVU.
I work with children with really serious, life-limiting genetic conditions. At present on my caseload is a child who cannot hear, see, speak, walk, feed herself, or hold her urine or stool. Another in their teens has a vocabulary of about 50 words, has several seizures a day, and an IQ of about 30. Another spent the first part of his life developing as expected and then around age 3, started losing his speech, then motor skills, continence, ability to swallow, so that now as a pre-teen he's in a wheelchair, has no communication, is tube-fed, and doubly incontinent. I could go on but you get the picture. None of these children will reach adulthood.
Should the parents of those children look at your struggles and scoff "Is that really all you have to worry about?"