Surely at age 3 Co sleeping is fine ??

[Thesecretautistic]

Dd is just 3. We co sleep (always have) following guidelines . The HV wasn’t happy about it when dd was a baby but I explained it meant I slept better and we followed the rules.

Dd is still Co sleeping and it works well for us. She’s been unwell lately and we had been to the gp and i mentioned how she’s had a fever at night etc but I’d been able to keep a close eye as we cosleep. The gp has contacted the HV who has called me and wanted to talk about it as apparently it’s an issue and ‘3 year olds need their own bed to get proper rest each night’ she is saying this may be why dd isn’t meeting milestones (it’s not Co sleeping - dd has autism !)

I feel that it’s helping to create a strong bond and makes dd feel secure but I’m being told it’s the opposite.

I’ve reiterated that we co sleep safely but has anyone got any good information explaining the benefits so that I can counter what is being said ?

As I’ve explained she has autism, she likes her room set up in a very exact way and we don’t change things round- I’m not putting a bed in there till she’s older and can understand more as if I do that now she will walk in and have a meltdown . She’s had them before for a small toy out of place. It’s the last thing I want right now just as we are sorting out nursery. Once she’s settled there and we have toilet training done and no other big changes the plan was to work on other things - not now but when we can spend time ensuring she will understand and that she will not have too much else going on at the same time

No the safeguarding risk is about children not having access to their own exclusive use bed, not access to a bed.
Safeguarding risk is not the same as neglect.

Wanting to be this difficult about something suggests you might actually benefit from
some HV/GP intervention as quite honestly it’s a bit weird.

I think it’s just difficult for those without a child with autism to understand. Right now we are focusing on 2 big things - and we have a plan for other things at approximate ages when we will assess if she is showing signs of being ready . It’s not being obstructive it’s being realistic ans not overwhelming dd and ensuring she gets a good nights sleep in the beginning of nursery as going there is something we think will really help her development which is why we are prioritising that. With an autistic child you can’t just do everything all at once

And as far as the hv etc are concerned I won’t be being difficult- she will see a child’s room and back off leaving us to parent the way that’s best for dd.

I’ve asked for this to be moved to the SEN topic I feel there may be more support there

TBh if I was the HV I would be concerned at OPs complete lack of ability to understand anything other than her own opinion, not every parent knows what's best.
You've made up this timeline for your DD, almost as if you're afraid to waver from what's in your head, until you put a bed in her room how will your DD know how to react? by 5 it will be harder to change her rigid ways that YOU have set not your DD
And yes many of us have experience of autism, you're not unique.

more support ie everyone agreeing with you, why post if you are unwilling to taken any advice on board.

What people are trying to explain is that a child not having their own exclusive use of their own bed on their own room (including when shared with siblings) is a tick box red flag for potential neglect.

Good news is that either the following will happen.

HV will understand about your DD SEN and your timeframe about putting a bed in there

OR

The HV won't be happy and will give you X time to sort it out.

Just be prepared and understand why people are being militant about your DD having a bed of her own in her room.

Well she will come here and see a room with toys and a bed in (the spare room) and will
assume it’s all fine then I’ll be declining further hv input once she’s seen that as I know my dd best and I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m parenting responsively and doing things when dd is ready and currently we are focusing on other important areas. The rest will come with time

I just want to get nursery and toilet training sorted out . She may even be ready for a bed earlier than 4/5 I’m open to that but just it immediately and I will follow advice for introducing a bed when she is ready

My ASD baby had to have pressure to sleep; wrapped tightly, held tightly upright on my chest, preferably while I swung him side to side. I had to sleep upright with him on my chest, in my bed. He screamed hysterically in his bed (single bed, he would NOT go in a cot). One day as a very young non-verbal toddler, he decided to take himself off to his bed for a nap. I was not allowed to come, I was not allowed to wrap him or cuddle him. And that's where he slept from then on. (And still no cuddles allowed unfortunately!).

So I guess what your health professionals and other posters on this thread are trying to say is, your DD needs to have her OWN bed as an option, you cannot know with 100% certainty that she will not want to sleep there one day soon. YOU have decided that she will not be ready by a specific age. You're being oddly stubborn.
I do agree though that if she's about to have other big changes in her life, just do one at a time, but yeah, give her a bed.

I’ll be declining further hv input
Yet another red flag for safe guarding. Honestly, you're doing yourself no favours with your attitude.

The thing is some people with ASD become more rigid and inflexible the older they get. The longer you put it off getting a bed the worse it will be, you don't want a 15 year old sharing a bed with you (I've seen this happening). She needs the choice now. You could get the bed lie down it in yourself do simple social stories . There needs to be some desensitisation going on.

DD always started off in her own bed but came into me half way through the night until she was around 9. Lots of people were appalled but it worked for us and she happily sleeps alone these days. The difference is she has always had her own bed. I do think you need to set up a bed for your child so they have the choice of where to sleep.

I'd ignore the HV. They are meant to be there when you need them not butting in to cause issues

Once we have got her fully settled in nursery and toilet trained and have started SALT to help with communication etc I will absolutely start thinking about this but it’s not something I’m going to do immediately at a time when we are dealing with a lot of other things

@Thesecretautistic the safeguarding issue isn’t about kids having to sleep on sofas etc it’s about children having to sleep in with parents because they have no other choice. Think about it.
I am NOT suggesting that there is anything untoward here at all, you sound like a loving supportive mum with her child’s best interests at heart but you do seem to refuse to hear anything that goes against what you want to do.

@Thesecretautistic i also think this is less about giving your DD a choice and more about you not being ready. It’s completely fair enough to say she would t cope with the choice but the fact you won’t even entertain the idea of having a bed there for IF she ever does, it’s weird tbh. It’s like you don’t want her to have that option.

like we’ve said repeatedly, having a bed present in a room does not mean you have to badger her about sleeping in it or even ask the question. It’s there as an option.

@Thesecretautistic and it’s wrong of you to presume people posting don’t have any experience with autistic children just because they have differing views to you

We are focusing on dds nursery start after Easter and toilet training that is why I’m not adding anything else at the current time as we need to take things slowly.

@Thesecretautistic and that’s great, makes perfect sense, that’s what I did with my DS. No child needs to have lots of change all at once autistic or not. But how does getting a bed and putting it in her room stop you from doing that? How does it change anything?

we get dd dressed in there each morning, she has to have her toys and furniture etc all exactly in the same positions if anything is moved she has awful meltdowns so that’s one reason why we don’t want to have a totally new huge item suddenly in there as then she will have a meltdown and we are starting nursery so need calm mornings.

We are going through toilet training too which is difficult and we are just trying to not overwhelm her at all.

Dd also has a lot of issues with understanding and communication and we are due to start SALT so really want to work on that and see if she develops and we can maybe use pictures etc to start introducing ideas and then we could think about the idea of beds etc etc

OP you have too much of a "my bubz my rulez" attitude here. It is a fact that lack of an exclusive bed is a red flag - whether you like it or not. This isn't something you can change with your opinion. Similarly, lack of engagement with HV etc would be counter productive. Whether you agree or not, you are being deliberately obtuse. You are right that HV's aren't experts in ASD, however surely if support is available from both ends, you'd grab it with both hands??

@Thesecretautistic I totally understand this in that case, apologies if I was really hard line. When you said choices would overwhelm etc it wasn’t clear that you meant the furniture etc needed to be in a specific place - things like that do make it much harder.
in that case I would use the spare as their “sleeping room” choice. So that bed is their option. You say you’re doing that anyway to get the health visitor off your back but I would actually have that room as a genuine option not just to get the health visitor away.

I also wouldn’t decline their input but explain exactly what you’ve just said. And explain that the spare bed is essentially their space and they are free to use that whenever and if ever they choose. If they still have an issue with that, I would then decline input but request they put a note to say that you have fully explained the circumstances, that there is an option of a separate space for DD but you are working within her safe boundaries to support her condition the best way you know how. I can’t see how anyone can red flag you for this.

Yes actually I think that’s a good idea , I’m just really trying to keep dd calm so we can get her to nursery and settled as I think that’s going to really help her but the way she reacts to changes even tiny changes is so extreme and I’m desperate to help her general development by getting her to nursery that I’m prioritising that (and toilet training to a lesser extent) before anything else and it makes me come across as stubborn but it’s just desperation to get nursery right I think.

I think her actual bedroom has because more of her playroom so it makes sense to do as I planned and set the spare room up as a bedroom , firstly to just get the hv off my back this week but I can then have it ready as dds room and that won’t cause her extreme upset / meltdown that her room is different. I’m just so exhausted I think and the gp really got my back up saying they think dd is tired from Co sleeping (when I said she sleep well actually) and then all this querying and ‘is this the reason for her delays etc’ I just felt suddenly like I was being criticised when I’m trying my best and have been focusing so much on getting her a place at a SEN nursery etc and wanting to help her but then being told maybe I’m the cause because of a parenting choice it’s just always a fight and I’m trying to do my best.

Ill get the room ready, get HV to back off, get dd settled in nursery then when drop is ready introduce the concept of her bed and just keep her current room as a playroom / area to get ready