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Original poster

Surely at age 3 Co sleeping is fine ??

179 replies

Thesecretautistic · 06/04/2023 15:00

Dd is just 3. We co sleep (always have) following guidelines . The HV wasn’t happy about it when dd was a baby but I explained it meant I slept better and we followed the rules.

Dd is still Co sleeping and it works well for us. She’s been unwell lately and we had been to the gp and i mentioned how she’s had a fever at night etc but I’d been able to keep a close eye as we cosleep. The gp has contacted the HV who has called me and wanted to talk about it as apparently it’s an issue and ‘3 year olds need their own bed to get proper rest each night’ she is saying this may be why dd isn’t meeting milestones (it’s not Co sleeping - dd has autism !)

I feel that it’s helping to create a strong bond and makes dd feel secure but I’m being told it’s the opposite.

I’ve reiterated that we co sleep safely but has anyone got any good information explaining the benefits so that I can counter what is being said ?

OP posts:
hopsalong · 08/04/2023 07:49

Everything about this seems totally fine except the fact that you haven't bought her a bed. That is a little odd to me, almost as if you're anxious about the possibility of co-sleeping stopping.

(If it's that you sleep a lot better with DD next to you than DH, I hear you. I didn't realize how badly I slept when I was sleeping next to him until a co-sleeping period at about the same age. We still sleep apart a lot of the time, which I much prefer.)

BertieBotts · 08/04/2023 08:29

almost as if you're anxious about the possibility of co-sleeping stopping.

I find this weird why people always jump to that - they have a bed which they can put up if the DD showed signs of wanting to stop, but beds aren't a small piece of furniture, it makes perfect sense not to bother with it if it seems clear that it won't be used.

You wouldn't put a massive desk up in a toddler's room because they will need it later for their homework - you would let them have the floor space while they need it for playing, and get the desk later.

Mumma212 · 08/04/2023 09:04

Totally ignore them!!

I think it's ridiculous that the GP has contacted the HV about this.
I'm a HCP who co-sleeps as it's the way we all get the best sleep too.
It's absolutely totally biologically normal!!!

Honestly it really bothers me when HCP talk about co-sleeping negatively when research proves the benefits and you're doing it because it works for you.
They need to update!
And you carry on doing what works for you and your family!

Mumma212 · 08/04/2023 09:08

HappyValet · 06/04/2023 15:27

I suppose being fair to the GP perhaps not having their own bed is a potential red flag for neglect that they want followed up to check. Not that you co-sleeping is a negative thing if it suits you and your child, more that they don't have a bed of their own. Not a standalone concern but could be indicative of a wider problem. They are doing their best to identify at risk children and sometimes need to use a blunt instrument.

*A red flag for neglect!?!
*
Are you serious??
There's absolutely nothing the OP has said to suggest neglect and if a GP suspected that it wouldn't be the HV they would refer to it would be SS and that would be discussed with the parents so it's clearly NOT that!!
And to suggest it is gross!!!

A child who sleeps comfortably where they feel safest with their parent/s is the opposite of neglected.

Mumma212 · 08/04/2023 09:10

SaltyGod · 06/04/2023 15:31

I suspect that they will want to know she has her own bed, and that if she were to chose to sleep alone she'd be able to.

Without her own bed she has no option but to sleep in your bed. Which she's clearly happy with how, but she needs to have the option should she not want to.

But wouldn't the GP just ask if the child had their own bed?
Rather than consider neglect off the bat like that?

BelindaBears · 08/04/2023 09:10

If it works for all of your family it’s ok. I wouldn’t want to spend 3 years sleeping apart from my DH though. And I agree with getting a bed so the option is there, otherwise you’re not really being child-led.

nicetoseetgesunsout · 08/04/2023 09:12

My children always had their own bed and lovely bedrooms but they still co slept with me, my daughter until she was 6 and my son until he was 9.
They obviously knew they had their own bedroom and spent time playing in them, but they wanted to sleep with me and their dad.
Just make sure your child has its own bed so can choose.
No idea why the HV is involved, mine only appeared when my children were babies.

Rubyupbeat · 08/04/2023 09:20

My son slept with us until he was around 7. Why is it a problem?

Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 08/04/2023 09:28

MockneyReject · 08/04/2023 07:15

BertieBotts
My point is that posters have said that all children must be given a choice of where they sleep. But that they don't insist that all children must have the choice to co-sleep.

I vitally feel that the choice might be really confusing for dd at the moment due to her autism and need to be with me - she will be confused and likely feel anxious I was thinking when she’s older just to see when to try the option.

I was going to get the cot bed out but we’ve decided to just make the spare room a kids room, kids bedding and a few toys just for the HV visit next week to get her off our backs then put things back to how they are with a view to transition dd if and when she is ready when a little older . We just want to be left alone with our parenting choices

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 08/04/2023 09:37

actually not vitally

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 08/04/2023 09:44

You are not doing anything wrong, Thesecret; on the contrary, you are really doing very well. Mine slept with me and my husband for years, did have own room and bed but would wake, get up and come in to us. It did no harm, it was cosy and we all slept well.

We here in England have a lot of taboos about children sleeping with parents which is nonsense. In days gone by it was always done up to a certain age and has always been the norm in other cultures.

Having health visitors coming to see you is not compulsory you know. Let her (I presume HV is a 'her'), visit once more so she sees your daughter's room and then let it tail off.

User339406 · 08/04/2023 09:51

If everyone is getting a good night's sleep then it's fine. Ds slept with us till he was nearly 4 then we had to encourage him to stop because he was (and still is) a restless sleeper and he was disturbing everyone.

He always had a bed and a bedroom though, just chose not to use it. I do see some strength in the argument that it should be a choice. Certainly by age 4 it should be a choice. At age 2 it doesn't matter. I think age 3 is a grey area where I'm leaning towards them having the choice.

But it sounds like your dd has other things going on for her that might make choosing stressful.

So keep doing what you're doing, with an awareness that at some point in the future it should be her choice.

Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 08/04/2023 09:53

Yes I feel like letting her visit, having a room set up etc should just close it all as far as she’s concerned. I want to stand my ground but know it’s easier to look like I’m complying

OP posts:
glitterisntgendered · 08/04/2023 10:09

I think what's being missed here is their incredibly inappropriate comments about missing milestones. Do they know about the ASD referral? If so I would be putting in a complaint. There is no evidence that co-sleeping would lead to delay with milestones and that's massively inappropriate to say!

Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 08/04/2023 10:32

glitterisntgendered · 08/04/2023 10:09

I think what's being missed here is their incredibly inappropriate comments about missing milestones. Do they know about the ASD referral? If so I would be putting in a complaint. There is no evidence that co-sleeping would lead to delay with milestones and that's massively inappropriate to say!

They are fully aware of the diagnosis but it seems to be they think Co sleeping = less sleep= tiredness= not meeting milestones = parenting issues

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 09/04/2023 07:12

I was right with you until you mentioned that DD doesn't have a bed of their own. At 3 they really ought to. Do you not see that by not giving her the option, you are ingraining an idea that your bed is where she sleeps. The longer it goes on the harder it will be for her to transition. I too have an autistic child ( well, he's a teen now), so I understand the need to create safe spaces and sleep problems but you are making a rid for your own and her back here. Why not get on and create a lovely sleeping space in her bedroom? Why the subterfuge of pretending to have a kids bed set up? Has it occurred to you that they might have a point - whether you agree with it entirely or not? They don't exist just just to piss parents off, they have the child's well-being at the heart of their role.
Please think about it, it's hard when you are doing what you feel is best but don't let feeling defensive interfere with your ability to give the professionals a fair hearing.

Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 08:07

They’ve got my back up by querying her ass diagnosis and saying is she just tired ? They are assuming Co sleeping leads to poor sleep when I hadn’t said that to them.

Dd has little understanding currently so we will introduce a bed for her when she’s older, when she’s ready not when ‘professionals’ who don’t know us think we should just because it fits in with their schedule of what they think applies to all and forgets that ND children may develop at a different rate and have different needs

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 08:07

*asd

OP posts:
Stravawindow · 09/04/2023 08:17

We do slept with DS until he was about 3.5. Then he decided to go to his own bed and he’s been there ever since. It was the same with toilet training around the same age. We’d tried before and it was a disaster. He then just did it himself. Dry overnight too. Don’t let others judge or tell you what to do.

FangedFrisbee · 09/04/2023 08:18

Sorry but not having a bed for a toddler is a flag of neglect.

FangedFrisbee · 09/04/2023 08:23

Let me clarify that. I'm not saying you are neglecting her. But families who are struggling and are neglecting their kids (there are 100s) quite often won't provide a bed for their kids because they just can't be arsed. It's not about them wanting to co sleep more that they just don't care about their kid enough to buy a bed

Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 08:28

Stravawindow · 09/04/2023 08:17

We do slept with DS until he was about 3.5. Then he decided to go to his own bed and he’s been there ever since. It was the same with toilet training around the same age. We’d tried before and it was a disaster. He then just did it himself. Dry overnight too. Don’t let others judge or tell you what to do.

She’s just not got the level of understanding yet to comprehend the choice about beds we were planning to just try in a year or two introducing the concept she’s very behind so if we do it now it’ll just cause confusion and upset

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 08:30

FangedFrisbee · 09/04/2023 08:23

Let me clarify that. I'm not saying you are neglecting her. But families who are struggling and are neglecting their kids (there are 100s) quite often won't provide a bed for their kids because they just can't be arsed. It's not about them wanting to co sleep more that they just don't care about their kid enough to buy a bed

I understand that totally but she HAS got a bed !!! We have a huge bed that we both sleep in.
Not having the choice of a bed currently with a view to having one at some point isn’t the same as not having a bed at all ? She’s not sleeping on the floor she has an actual bed

OP posts:
LadyGAgain · 09/04/2023 08:52

Ignore HV, in my experience they are an utterly useless waste of space and only add to the anxiety of (new) mums. Cosleep is absolutely fine and actually really precious.

MissMaple82 · 09/04/2023 09:31

I wouldn't worry at 3 but they definitely do need to transition to their own bed at some point in the next year or so