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Original poster

Surely at age 3 Co sleeping is fine ??

179 replies

Thesecretautistic · 06/04/2023 15:00

Dd is just 3. We co sleep (always have) following guidelines . The HV wasn’t happy about it when dd was a baby but I explained it meant I slept better and we followed the rules.

Dd is still Co sleeping and it works well for us. She’s been unwell lately and we had been to the gp and i mentioned how she’s had a fever at night etc but I’d been able to keep a close eye as we cosleep. The gp has contacted the HV who has called me and wanted to talk about it as apparently it’s an issue and ‘3 year olds need their own bed to get proper rest each night’ she is saying this may be why dd isn’t meeting milestones (it’s not Co sleeping - dd has autism !)

I feel that it’s helping to create a strong bond and makes dd feel secure but I’m being told it’s the opposite.

I’ve reiterated that we co sleep safely but has anyone got any good information explaining the benefits so that I can counter what is being said ?

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 09/04/2023 09:40

MagpiePi · 08/04/2023 07:26

I find it weird that that parents are expected to sleep in the same bed to maintain a bond, but newborn babies are expected to sleep alone in a cot and often in another room.

No, that's due to the risk of SIDS. Also, they are not expected to sleep in another room, not sure where you've got that from.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/04/2023 10:10

MissMaple82 · 09/04/2023 09:40

No, that's due to the risk of SIDS. Also, they are not expected to sleep in another room, not sure where you've got that from.

Show quote history

Yes, but lots of people put tiny babies in their own rooms at 6 months old.

jannier · 09/04/2023 10:37

Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 08:07

They’ve got my back up by querying her ass diagnosis and saying is she just tired ? They are assuming Co sleeping leads to poor sleep when I hadn’t said that to them.

Dd has little understanding currently so we will introduce a bed for her when she’s older, when she’s ready not when ‘professionals’ who don’t know us think we should just because it fits in with their schedule of what they think applies to all and forgets that ND children may develop at a different rate and have different needs

The thing I would say with many ASD children is it's very hard to break habits which is why there is a site to find replacement cups, blankets, coats, toys that children need to sleep/drink/wear but have outgrown or chewed to death and now won't drink sleep etc....so by building the habit of sleep together now it may be very very hard to break and I've known a 12 year old still not transitioned.

jannier · 09/04/2023 10:39

Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 08:28

She’s just not got the level of understanding yet to comprehend the choice about beds we were planning to just try in a year or two introducing the concept she’s very behind so if we do it now it’ll just cause confusion and upset

Show quote history

It won't be easier in a year or two it will be harder your better to lie in her bed or on her floor now if that's your plan.

chillih · 09/04/2023 11:01

MagpiePi · 08/04/2023 07:26

I find it weird that that parents are expected to sleep in the same bed to maintain a bond, but newborn babies are expected to sleep alone in a cot and often in another room.

Absolutely this!!

anxiousatnight · 09/04/2023 11:11

She has a bed to sleep in, but not her OWN bed to sleep in.

You say she co-sleeps by choice, but she only has one choice - the shared bed.

You've said you're happy to get a bed 'just for show', so do that then. It may be that when she has the choice of the shared bed or the show bed, she chooses the show bed. Then you'll know.

I've nothing against co-sleeping, but I think you're making a bigger deal out of this than you need to given that you've said you're happy to buy her a bed for her own room.

Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 11:54

anxiousatnight · 09/04/2023 11:11

She has a bed to sleep in, but not her OWN bed to sleep in.

You say she co-sleeps by choice, but she only has one choice - the shared bed.

You've said you're happy to get a bed 'just for show', so do that then. It may be that when she has the choice of the shared bed or the show bed, she chooses the show bed. Then you'll know.

I've nothing against co-sleeping, but I think you're making a bigger deal out of this than you need to given that you've said you're happy to buy her a bed for her own room.

Yes when we planned to not when in pressured by a gp and a hv who are almost saying they are disagreeing with an asd diagnosis

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/04/2023 13:45

anxiousatnight · 09/04/2023 11:11

She has a bed to sleep in, but not her OWN bed to sleep in.

You say she co-sleeps by choice, but she only has one choice - the shared bed.

You've said you're happy to get a bed 'just for show', so do that then. It may be that when she has the choice of the shared bed or the show bed, she chooses the show bed. Then you'll know.

I've nothing against co-sleeping, but I think you're making a bigger deal out of this than you need to given that you've said you're happy to buy her a bed for her own room.

The OP has already explained multiple times that she thinks her dd, who has asd, would be confused by having a choice.

My dd did always have a choice, and for years, she chose to co-sleep. I am interested in how many people are insisting that children should have a choice though. Does that apply equally to those children who are put in their own beds from an early age? Should they have the option of choosing to co-sleep if they wish? Would it be a "red flag" if a parent denied them that choice?

There are so many choices that parents make for toddlers every day. We decide what they're going to eat, where they're going to spend their time, who is going to look after them etc. What is so different about deciding where they're going to sleep?

I think the real issue here is not that people genuinely believe that small children should have a choice about where they sleep, and whether they prefer to sleep alone or with a parent. It is that people see co-sleeping as somehow deviating from the norm, and therefore, they think it can only be justified if the child has actively chosen it.

OP, what you're doing is fine. You are clearly not a neglectful parent and you have your dd's best interests at heart. Follow your own instincts and don't worry about what anyone else has to say on the subject.

Magnoliainbloom · 09/04/2023 14:01

Coal won’t until 5. My DC turned out absolutely fine.

jannier · 09/04/2023 14:24

"
Yes when we planned to not when in pressured by a gp and a hv who are almost saying they are disagreeing with an asd diagnosis "

I've worked with several children who's parents have been the cause of symptoms associated with ASD so it's not totally out of the park. Parental anxiety, OCD etc can contribute to unusual behaviours in children.....and no I'm not saying it's the case here but if professionals think it's worth considering then why would you not try it?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/04/2023 14:33

jannier · 09/04/2023 14:24

"
Yes when we planned to not when in pressured by a gp and a hv who are almost saying they are disagreeing with an asd diagnosis "

I've worked with several children who's parents have been the cause of symptoms associated with ASD so it's not totally out of the park. Parental anxiety, OCD etc can contribute to unusual behaviours in children.....and no I'm not saying it's the case here but if professionals think it's worth considering then why would you not try it?

Wtf?

RandomMess · 09/04/2023 14:33

Co-sleep as long as you BOTH are happy to.

How about getting a double bed for her room so you can co-sleep in there as and when you are ready to transition her to her own room.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/04/2023 14:39

@jannier, the OP's dd has a diagnosis. Her parents did not cause her autism. I pity the families that you apparently work with.

Embelline · 09/04/2023 14:39

I’m not sure why you’re so resistant at getting her her own bed so she has a choice? It’s not like she will grow out of it if you get a child’s one.
she needs to have the choice at this age and as she gets older, despite her autism diagnosis, as it’s a safeguarding issue if not.
just get the bed if you can afford it, then if she suddenly decides she wants to sleep in it she can. It doesn’t need to change anything in your current set up.

Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 14:46

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/04/2023 14:33

Wtf?

Show quote history

She has a diagnosis

OP posts:
AfraidToRun · 09/04/2023 14:49

how will you know when she's ready? Genuinely curious.

Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 14:50

Embelline · 09/04/2023 14:39

I’m not sure why you’re so resistant at getting her her own bed so she has a choice? It’s not like she will grow out of it if you get a child’s one.
she needs to have the choice at this age and as she gets older, despite her autism diagnosis, as it’s a safeguarding issue if not.
just get the bed if you can afford it, then if she suddenly decides she wants to sleep in it she can. It doesn’t need to change anything in your current set up.

I’m resistant because it’s MY choice

dd has autism. She is currently fine Co sleeping. She struggles with changes and can be very confused by options or choices she doesn’t fully understand.
We are currently focusing on her starting nursery and toilet training - I KNOW she doesn’t need any other change at the moment .

We plan to see how she develops and to introduce the idea of her own bed at 4 or 5 maybe . The gp and hv are actually overstepping I feel and I could argue it out with them but I’m choosing to just make them think I’m doing what they said to get then to back off and I know in future I won’t volunteer any information

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 14:52

AfraidToRun · 09/04/2023 14:49

how will you know when she's ready? Genuinely curious.

In general terms when her speech and language and communication have improved and she’s having less meltdowns. Now is not a calm time so I just knows he’s not ready for any more transitions / changes in her life at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 14:53

RandomMess · 09/04/2023 14:33

Co-sleep as long as you BOTH are happy to.

How about getting a double bed for her room so you can co-sleep in there as and when you are ready to transition her to her own room.

This is a really good idea and probably something I would do as an in between stage when she’s ready so Thankyou as that’s really a good idea that I will use

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 09/04/2023 14:55

I'm not sure why you have brought this to MN. You are clearly very sure you are right.

Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 14:57

DeadbeatYoda · 09/04/2023 14:55

I'm not sure why you have brought this to MN. You are clearly very sure you are right.

Initially (see my opening post) I was looking for info to educate the gp and hv but as the thread has progressed it’s made me realise I’m better off just letting them think I’m doing what they say to get them off my back

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/04/2023 14:58

If you buy the bed soon then you can say she has her own bed in your own room regardless of whether it ever get used or not!

Skybluepinky · 09/04/2023 15:01

you Have done well to get autism diagnosis so young especially with the backlog from covid.
Them not having their own bed will always raise red flags, u will probably find that u get a visit from SS. The fact the child is SEN will mean they will keep a close eye on them.

Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 15:03

RandomMess · 09/04/2023 14:58

If you buy the bed soon then you can say she has her own bed in your own room regardless of whether it ever get used or not!

I might wait while we are settling her in to nursery as if we even move her toys around in her room it causes so much anguish so I want to keep her calm so that goes well !
The hv is coming next week so not any time before they check. After that though when dd is hopefully settled at nursery this is definitely how I’ll approach it

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesecretautistic · 09/04/2023 15:05

Skybluepinky · 09/04/2023 15:01

you Have done well to get autism diagnosis so young especially with the backlog from covid.
Them not having their own bed will always raise red flags, u will probably find that u get a visit from SS. The fact the child is SEN will mean they will keep a close eye on them.

We had to go privately as the waiting times were so long on the nhs

OP posts: