Surely at age 3 Co sleeping is fine ??

[Thesecretautistic]

Dd is just 3. We co sleep (always have) following guidelines . The HV wasn’t happy about it when dd was a baby but I explained it meant I slept better and we followed the rules.

Dd is still Co sleeping and it works well for us. She’s been unwell lately and we had been to the gp and i mentioned how she’s had a fever at night etc but I’d been able to keep a close eye as we cosleep. The gp has contacted the HV who has called me and wanted to talk about it as apparently it’s an issue and ‘3 year olds need their own bed to get proper rest each night’ she is saying this may be why dd isn’t meeting milestones (it’s not Co sleeping - dd has autism !)

I feel that it’s helping to create a strong bond and makes dd feel secure but I’m being told it’s the opposite.

I’ve reiterated that we co sleep safely but has anyone got any good information explaining the benefits so that I can counter what is being said ?

Not quite the same as there is still another bed there that the dc can indeed ask to sleep in. The answer may be no and that's down to the individual if it's possible. It's not possible where a bed does not exist

DS9 slept in with us until last year. He did have a bed, pushed up against ours. His bedroom wasn't really sorted out for him to be able to sleep in until 2020, but he was completely resistant to the idea of sleeping in there until last year.

I still have to stay with him until he falls asleep - usually about four hours. Suspected ASD, he's on the waiting list for assessment.

The thing is as well dd at the moment would get quite confused at that choice due to her autism. I’ll just put the cot bed in there and show it to the hv when she comes round and get her off my back that way rather than trying to justify myself. That or I’ll put kids bedding on the spare room bed !

Yes …… lots. It doesn’t have to be in a bed!!!!

The only thing that I would consider is if for your LO it becomes an unbreakable situation and sleep is still only possible when they are a lot older. I have one who is so rigid nothing is allowed to change ever and habits are unbreakable even now he's 10

Our 9yo DS is going through a phase of sleeping with DH as he’s having trouble getting to sleep and we can’t work out why. Sometimes children need the comfort.

I agree with this. It is important for children to have their own and not just mums bed. Even if it doesn’t get used very often her own bed in her own is important

My four year old still co sleeps with me, he just won't stay in his own bed. I don't care and we both sleep better for not bed hopping all night. Absolutely amazing HV doesn't have anything more important to do.

This is a brilliant answer😂 love it OP!

We coslept from newborn with my DS and then when he was 2 we put a small bed against the wall next to our double bed so he sleeps in his own bed technically but next to us still. I would just tell them it's none of their business! Its hardly neglectful to be sleeping next to your child 😅

Does sex have to happen just in bed?! 😂😂😂

Absolutely fine. Mine is 5 and brings himself into us whenever he wishes, which isn’t every night but probably 5 out of 7. My older one was the same. She’s 10 and would absolutely not entertain the idea of sleeping with us now at home, but we do regularly sleep together other places (camping/holiday). Sleeping independently is developmental. It’s totally fine.

I am shocked that the GP and HV think this, it's completely f-ed up.

I think I would be having stern words about boundaries, you're the child's mother, who do these people think they are!?

Also, haven't the NHS just changed their guidance on co-sleeping (FINALLY) so it is in line with the Lullaby Trust as 9/10 parents admitted to co-sleeping at one time or another anyway, so they're now providing safe sleep advice.

Honestly OP i would be absolutely fuming.

Also what kind of world do we live in where is perfectly acceptable to leave a helpless baby to cry themselves to sleep, but actually responding to your child's needs by co-sleeping with them is an issue?

She needs her own bed. It's a huge red flag for neglect, a child of that age not having her own bed.

Yes - I know - but that's not what it's about in that case.

The point of the child having their own bed is because there are homes in the UK where children do not have a bed because the parents can't be arsed to provide one. Or where other children are provided a bed but one child has to sleep on rags on the floor. Or where there are more children than beds because the parents can't be bothered to deal with multiple beds. Or where the children are constantly moved/passed around and there simply isn't any permanent furniture for them. Or where the parents think it doesn't matter if the child has their own room/bed because the child doesn't matter. There are homes where the child is forced to share a bed with the parents because the parents are sexually abusing the child, or want to keep them a baby/dependent.

I don't for a second think any of these is the case in the OP and I doubt that her GP or health visitor think that either. And honestly it's a bit of a weird thing if you ask me, because in most of those scenarios, buying a bed and putting it up in the child's room isn't going to magically fix it. But it's a box tick thing that they do, it's a really easy thing to fix and if it does turn out (unlikely, but if it did) that the DD wants her own bed and wants to sleep in it every night then it's clear that she has the option - to her as well as to the health care professionals. And if she prefers to sleep with her mum, and mum is OK with this and DD is getting enough sleep then all fine too.

I agree that there are some weird cultural biases against co-sleeping but that's not why it's being asked about whether the DD has her own bed in this case. (The weird comments about milestones aside!)

I don’t know whether you’ve been together for 10 years or 30 but if it’s the former then unless one of you has a reason such as sleep apnea or snores like a hippo you’re the exception rather than the rule. But if it works for you both then it can’t be a bad thing for your relationship.

My wife and I co-sleep with our anxious, autistic, 8 year old daughter. It's a beautiful thing.
Sorry you're getting this nonsense.

@Thesecretautistic
Your instincts are way ahead of some HV focusing on ticking boxes on their jobsworth form. You sound like a very intelligent and loving mother.
What really helped me recently (I have an autistic 5yr old son), was buying an extraordinary book that was highly recommended and actually really impressed me.
Please do check out 'Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew' by Ellen Notbohm (Third Edition).

Really? Wow I wish I'd known that when I was in my one bed flat with 2 kids and husband 🤣 and our small dog

We finally managed to move out to a bigger place when the children were 5 and 2, we had a fold up sofa bed in lounge though and sometimes my husband would use that as he worked nights.

I still share a bed with my now 7yo despite her having her own room and a spare room!

It's not my rule, I'm just saying that to health and social care professionals, a child not having their own bed is a big red flag.

BertieBotts
My point is that posters have said that all children must be given a choice of where they sleep. But that they don't insist that all children must have the choice to co-sleep.

I find it weird that that parents are expected to sleep in the same bed to maintain a bond, but newborn babies are expected to sleep alone in a cot and often in another room.

I think we got beds for DC when they were 2 years old… I suppose just so they had the option but realistically they never would have wanted them.. We are TRYING to get both DC in their own beds / rooms at night (both at primary school) but it’s very much a two steps forward one step back process.
Loads of school mums I talk to also admit to co-sleeping still.

Ideally I want mine in their own beds 95% of the time. The 5% they are under the weather I offer up my bed willingly. I agree with you OP, it’s so much more reassuring when they are ill.

You realise that you dobt actually have to engage with the HV? I would call and cancel any appointment, it's not necessary.

I would also get a proper (not cot) bed for her room now, it introduces the idea. Both my DC Co slept, but they always had their iwn space too.