Primary school auties : spring 2021 and beyond - thread 6

[danni0509]

Hi. New thread.

This is the continuation of the thread for parents / carers of autistic children / children with additional needs. Most of us are parents of children in year 1 / year 2.

Links to old threads

Thread 1 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed

Thread 2 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2

Thread 3 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3

Thread 4 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4

Thread 5 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3953023-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-beyond-thread-5?pg=1

Everyone welcome x

So now every single time I’ll paper trail via email to the school and keep a diary and if this is a regular pattern / occurrence all this will be forwarded to the transport officer and I’ll request another driver.

When she drops him off today I’ll ask her what time she will be here for him in the morning and based on her answer I’ll decide my next steps.

Also not having them say oh he’s late because of traffic (hence I let school know beforehand they got him half hour late and she won’t know I did that!)

Fuck that. You have one job, pick my child up, get him to school on time.

She has 2 kids herself, one is ds age, I know her from previously so I know her dd is same age as ds, so I’m wondering if she’s taking her kids to school first then getting the escort then coming here straight after.

If so it’s not happening! Bcos then she will be late all the time arghhhhhh and what she going to do when his hours go 8.30-3.30pm from September / October like school are planning?

I’m sorry danni, no wonder you’re angry.

It’s the LA that deals with transport I think, not the school? You should contact them today.

Yes its the La open, I just wanted to ring his school to let them know he was going to be late and it was because of the transport etc.

And I dropped an email to his teacher to let him know but more because I like having copies of emails to back me up iykwim.

I mentioned on the email she was going to speed with him in the car.

That is disgraceful! The roads he goes on are horrid country roads aswell I’ve mentioned before there are always accidents. Really makes me worry 😫

When she said ‘don’t worry babe I’ll get him there on time’ I said what so you’ll have him at school in 10 minutes when it’s 20 miles away?

Its 60 roads on the main bits, then a few villages with 30/40 limits then in the actual town his school is in it’s a mix of 20/30. It’s all different speed limits / different roads etc.

If I put the postcode in my sat nav it calculates it as 32 minutes drive but when I drove it myself it took between 30/40 minutes (obviously the longer time was when more traffic) admittedly I don’t speed so I don’t bloody expect her too either!

Hopefully the school will tell you what time he arrived and then you'll know.

Ds has been agitated this morning. Some mornings when he doesn't go in he's happy to just play with his toys and potter about and I read to him or play with him. For an hour and a half today all he did was go on about how he wants to take away all schools and that he wants to go somewhere exciting. Oh and that he wanted to go and live with someone else, presumably because they wouldn't make him go to school and would just let him do what he wants.

I asked him if it was the place, the people or the work that he didn't like and he said the work.

The school are trying to engage the specialist teaching team and the inclusion team. I'm not sure what they might be able to do that's any different but we probably need to give it more time.

I feel that this is in large part due to Covid. He missed a term last academic year and this academic year has been much worse than that. I know most kids have but the impact is greater on some than others. I think that when he says the work is hard, he may not necessarliy mean the work he is given to do, if he is in the classroom and the teacher is talking about concepts that are approximately 12-18 months beyond where he is, surely there will be much of it that he cannot yet fully understand and that will just make him feel bad and put him off?

Short term we have to try and continue to re-settle him. Longer term I think the options are:

1. carry on as we are in which case things are likely to get worse
2. have him repeat the year - this may be easier to get than a SS place?
3. look at a special school or MS with a unit attached. This might be the better option longer term but is likely to take time and not be easy to get.

I'm talking to my private EP at 2pm. Interested to hear her thoughts on it all.

Try not to be offended about ds saying he wants to live elsewhere because when ds used to first say that to me I use to think to myself ‘are you fucking joking with me? All I do for you!’ Then I realised he doesn’t actually mean it.

He tells me at least once a day he wants to go live with somebody else and as you say it’s usually when they don’t get there own way.

I get ‘I don’t like you’ ‘I don’t love you’ and recently ‘when you die I won’t have to see you’ (nice and morbid ds! Thanks a lot kid!)

We are always the baddies for making them do the things they have too.

You thought it was the school work didn’t you. I don’t have any real advice just lots of sympathy x

I suppose homeschooling is also an option but not ideal given he's not often willing to work at home and is an only child. Still, we may end up having to at some point.

I agree even if the actual work on the table is differentiated to ds level she’s still speaking to the whole class in terms which will be 12-18 months beyond ds so that makes sense he won’t fully understand it all.

Good luck with your call this afternoon.

I know he doesn't really mean it, he's just fustrated and also channelling Kevin from the beginning of Home Alone!

He tells me he hates me and doesn't love me anymore sometimes but he usually tells me afterwards he doesn't mean it and he was just angry. It's always when he doesn't get something that he wants.

I also have the meeting with the play therapist tomorrow. Surely something has got to help?

Danni that all sounds very frustrating and stressful.

Sorry ds didn't get in this morning open. I think Covid school closures has a lot to answer for!
Do you have any idea where you might move him to? It might be a bit late for SS for September but worth seeing what's out there and if there's any space?
I'm sorry about what he's saying Open but I'm sure it's just because you are his safe person. We always get the most abuse!

Ds miraculously got on the bus again this morning. It was a close call though. He kicked dh full force in the face (I think to try and get us angry so he had an excuse to run down to his room) but thankfully it didn't work.

The mornings were always quite stressful but now there's an added layer of anxiety for all of us, which rubs off a bit on dd too. Just fed up with feeling stressed and tired all the time.

liv ouch, I hope your dh is ok.

As far as I know all the SS are full. I know someone who is trying to move her ds and there are no places anywhere. I don't know which MS primaries have ASD units. There is a new autism school opening about 10 miles from here which is taking in a particlar year from September and then further years from January which includes ds'. I've phoned to ask for a callback to speak to someone there but no idea if we would get a place (they may already be full) or if it would be right for ds. I think they called me yesterday but I missed it, hopefully they'll call today.

Ds has come home, when I got out to him he’s out his seat climbing all over the taxi, on the boot shelf which collapsed and then he’s into the boot again! then got back in the front was in the drivers seat but what’s the worst his face is covered and I mean covered in bright red lipstick he looked like a clown!

I’ve got a photo for my evidence!

The driver and escort were hysterical saying he found it in the back and the escort couldn’t stop him.

I don’t wear lipstick, I’m surprised ds knows where it even goes, knowing ds like I do it would he on the windows / his legs etc, my mum and Dh think they were egging him on to put it on I did think that initially too tbh, I’ve tried questioning ds but he doesn’t understand really.

Even if he did do it on his own accord what exactly is this escort being paid for?

They were laughing so much when i got him ?

I’m not the fun police and kids are kids but I don’t find this very professional...

I asked what time she was getting him tomorrow morning and she said she drops her daughter at breakfast club at 8.30 (won’t work at all when she needs to pick ds up at 8.30 from end September) so she will get escort straight after and be at mine for 9. Which is an improvement on 9.20 at least.

Maybe I’m being OTT but Dh is literally the most laid back (drives me mad) and even he said it’s not right, it could of been anything he found in the back of the scruffy taxi. Like drugs or anything! Who even knows what passengers she has in it and it doesn’t get cleaned quite obviously.

Dh was ok after the initial shock thanks open. The autism school sounds interesting, i hope they get back to you soon. Is it in your local authority?

danni it is definitely not unreasonable to expect ds to be picked up on time to go into school in the morning! I also wouldn't be happy with the way they are managing him during the trip. It's just dangerous. I would definitely get in touch with the transport team and see if they can make some changes because if anything happens to ds it's their responsibility.

danni I agree, it’s unprofessional and dangerous.

liv yes, I think it is in our LA. It’s not built yet so no visits.

Well there doesn’t seem to be any primaries with units, there are two secondary schools.

I had a call with the EP yesterday which was helpful. I have also exchanged emails with his teacher and we have agreed to try and get him in for a shorter period of time to try and build consistency. It is raining at the moment so that may throw a spanner in the works regarding the outside play he has been doing.

liv have you spoken to the pastoral team yet?

Glad you spoke to the EP yesterday open. Hope you get ds in today.
It's so tricky to find the right provision! If ds's school hadn't opened last year I wouldn't have wanted to send him anywhere in our Local Authority. Nothing else seemed suitable.

It was another close call getting ds on the bus today but he did it. Speaking to the pastoral team this morning to talk about a plan. I'm quite looking forward to not having to get him on the bus for two days

Hope this morning goes ok danni!

We’ve had no luck this morning, he won’t even go in for a little while to do play activities. We cannot force him and he knows this.

Arggghh.

We need a vaccinated professional to man up and bloody see him here. Dh and I seem to be getting nowhere.

Hi ladies sorry to go awol for a while there. @danni0509 that is absolutely crazy, complain to the LA, that is totally unacceptable. @openupmyeagereyes oh no, how much stress for you all, I really hope you can sort out a plan but it's so hard isn't it as they get older. As you say, you can't force him to go in!
DS is now on his reduced timetable so I've been picking up at half 11 this week (I don't get back here until 9.15 so I've got 2 hours to try and do a full day's work argh). He is having one day a week at his new school (well, I say day...still reduced hours) starting next week so I hope he likes it etc. His 1:1 is going with him but we still have to take him and pick him up. Just about holding it together with work but I am starting to wonder if just going self employed is the way to go as at least then I could definitely be around without all the stress (but then, it's so hard to make enough money and we would miss the regular salary...hard decisions!)
I've started listening to this really funny podcast I can't believe it's not Buddha with Lee Mack, it is so funny and interesting, I'd recommend. I've ordered this book on Zen Buddhism as well, really going to try and get back into meditation, I find it so helpful when DS is disregulated if I can go into a calm space within myself and share that calm with him. Hard, but very good. Yin yoga is good too.

Magrat it must be so hard to manage alongside working. No wonder so many end up having to stop working. Its' great he is already doing transition visits to his new school.

danni how was the taxi this morning?

Ds was awake again at 2am this morning. Totally boring me now. It’s at least twice a week he’s waking up middle of the night and staying awake. (I’m keeping a diary)

Sorry Ds hasn’t gone in open, I’m fed up of the no services thing aswell, the Ed phycologist has only done virtual visits with home & schools since last March, she’s still doing that now. Ds isn’t under her anymore now he’s in a different area but how long can they keep hiding behind it. Salt wanted to do virtual again, i said it’s not possible with ds she knows it’s not as we tried it before, so she reluctantly let us go into the clinic (when she discharged him) you cannot always do everything virtually with kids with additional needs.

Liv I’m pleased ds got on the bus, enjoy your weekend.

Magrat, sorry for the reduced timetable, bane of my life those bloody things! (Ds is still technically on one now - he does 4.5 hours a day at school, not quite as part time as his old school but still not full time) good luck for him 1 day a week at his new school, I hope they don’t keep him part time forever, i see why they do it short term but I’ve only ever had long term 😡

Ds went in the taxi this morning, he got in the front seat and grabbed the drivers lighter 😳 I grabbed it off ds and pulled him out the front and walked him around to his seat. The driver got him strapped into the seat and he got out (of the harness!) I said he’s getting out because it’s not tight enough so I had to help her tighten the straps up, then the little lock box for over the belt thing on the seat she said the one the other driver gave her that fitted his car doesn’t actually fit hers so I went in my car tried mine and it didn’t fit either so went to Dh’ car got his and that fitted hers so I’ve given her that to use. I’ll buy another for Dh’ car.

She also bought some fiddle toys for ds from her house, bubble popping thing (ds has one here) and another little thing, she said they are his for the taxi.

I said aswell don’t unlock him out of the seat until I’m at the car door because as soon as they do he’s in the boot and takes 10 minutes to get him in the house, so if they unlock him when I get to the car door I can grab him straight away.