Primary school Auties: into 2020! - thread 4

[LightTripper]

This is the continuation of the thread for parents and carers of autistic children in Early Years and KS1. Most of us are parents of children in Reception or Year 1, but all welcome!

Here are the links to the previous threads:

Thread 1: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed

Thread 2: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2

Thread 3: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3

I have had enough. I just want to scream shout cry. I am shaking from anger. I have justhad a email from the head teacher where she told me that i have to continue to be stern with ds and that ds shouldnt be making decisions and that the social worker will tell me about all that on Thursday 😡. O have asked does that mean the social worker will be taking over my job as a parent and also told that the services told me that they didn't have the concerns brought up yesterday.

Jam I’m sorry you got punched. I hope his birthday goes well tomorrow and that he settles down once the excitement is over.

Harley I’m so sorry things are so difficult for you. It really isn’t fair

Ds had another tricky afternoon. I have been emailing the teacher and SENCO to see what they think is the cause and how we can help him settle down. They are being a bit difficult on one (IMO minor) reasonable adjustment so I may need to speak to the HT about it, which I don’t want to have to do.

I really don’t know if this start of term adjustment issues of just another tricky period. His speech and communication has made big improvements again so it could be developmental.

Sorry your ds is so stressed jam.
My ds has done similar in the past, you think they are relaxing then you get whacked. I notice that I often flinch when I'm near ds. Hope his birthday goes ok today.

How's dd's tic little?
I always get very anxious when I see a bouncy castle cause I have no idea how to get ds off it once he's started!

That sounds like a good game open. Sorry ds is having some tricky days, I hope you can find out the trigger.

Sounds like your ds is doing well at the misery light! Really good email!

Harley I'm so sorry this is still going on! Slightly off topic but have you heard of Yvonne Newbold? She has a Facebook page called SEND VCB. She is a big advocate for softer/gentler parenting with our kids rather than being stern (which often doesn't work if they are anxious). I just add this as maybe there would be things from her site which people could be directed towards. Although from what you've said the likelihood of them understanding or changing their minds seems slim!

We're having a ok-ish time at the moment. Ds now has two new 1:1s, both men and he seems to be getting on with both of them, which is good. We're still having a bit of a job getting him out of the house in the morning but his behaviour in the afternoon seems to have settled a bit thankfully.

I havent heard of her @livpotter thank you for that i will take a look.

Would it come across all wrong if i printed out a folder from website like nas with all information about masking, autism, school refusal and autism and ask her to acquaint herself with it all before doing anything as my ds is getting far to damaged by schools behaviour.

The second autism is ment to be anxiety 🤦‍♀️

Sorry you got punched @Jamhandprints hopefully ds had a good birthday. One thing i noticed with ds is that his anxious sad and anxious excited ckmes out pretty much as the same behviour.

I hope that yous manage to figure out what is casuing ds issue and being unsettled @openupmyeagereyes.

That sounds positive @livpotter about ds new 1 to 1s.

It's just never ending isn't it Harley? It's not about DS making decisions: it's about DS having a right to feel safe, and about what he can and can't tolerate. She makes it sound like he's being "difficult" for fun (but it doesn't sound like he's having fun so...???). It's just such a "blamey" way to frame what is going on. Where is Sendiass in this - are they still on the scene? We are strict with DD sometimes but we try to make sure it's only on things that are really "core" IYSWIM. I think with our kids so much of the "bad behaviour" is down to anxiety, so shouting or imposing consequences at that point can just make everything 100 times worse if you're not careful. It's such a hard juggling act. I guess all parents face it but the stakes seem much higher for us!

That sounds stressful with the punch Jam, especially when you're having a lovely chilled time! I guess it's a regulation thing? Hopefully when he's settled a bit from birthday excitement everything will calm down. It's a tricky time of year to have birthdays, it turns out? I hope he has a lovely day today.

Sorry DS is unsettled open. I wouldn't feel bad about discussing the adjustment though. They may not realise how important it is: I think it's really hard to find people who really "get it" but a lot of them can be encouraged to "get it" if it's explained. It comes so naturally to us after a while, it's hard to imagine how unintuitive it can be to even some people who work with children every day.

Hope the tic starts to fade with time Little. I don't know if it's the same thing but I used to have a nervous cough when I was younger. My Mum did end up taking me to the GP but it's so long ago I can't really remember what they said. I remember it being really hard to stop doing it, as I didn't really realise I was at the time, but it was driving everybody else crazy! I do think it is probably anxiety related and hopefully will just pass with time

And glad things seem to be going well Liv!

OH and I are going to the cinema tonight . I think it is the first time since DD was born (never seemed worth paying a babysitter just to go to the movies!!)

@Harleyisme, bear in mind teachers are (mostly) bossy people and dont like being told what to do. They do need the information though, but if you do it, it would be better to print out a one page summary or one short interesting article as they probably won't read any more and it'll make them more defensive.
Im sure you are a great parent. It is awful to be so misjudged.

@livpotter Im in that facebook page but actually never see anyyhing on it except adverts for her training in London. Where can I get info about her ideas? Does she have a book or Youtube videos?

liv glad the new 1:1’s are going well. When will you visit the potential school?

Light how did ds do at nursery? I hope he enjoyed it and continues to go off happily.

I’m nervous about how ds is getting on this afternoon. His morning TA said he was fine yesterday so it’s definitely afternoons that are problematic at the moment.

Light I don’t think they can get it, I think they see it as him getting into a habit that they, for whatever reason, don’t want and getting his own way. It’s my opinion that it isn’t important and doesn’t affect anyone else so it doesn’t matter - let him feel like he has control over that and save the battles for more important issues. I am waiting to hear from them why they think it’s important.

I guess you’re not going to agree on everything, even with an understanding school.

Jam happy birthday to your DS! Sorry you got punched. DD did cope ok with bouncy castle but the other party had a Disney Princess and DD said that the 'tasks' and games were too tricky so sat and watched from my lap.

Harley words fail me on the attitude from the school, who do they think they are telling you how to parent! That is just out of order really. And I agree with gentler parenting being the way forward rather than being stern. or for you, whichever you prefer.

open hope your DS has a better afternoon, agree that the school should let him have a little bit of control over whatever it is and pick their battles. Hopefully they can see this and work with him and you to solve the issue.

Liv Great that your DS is getting on ok with the new 1:1s, hoping he has a good day. I was rather worried about DD on the bouncy castle as she is hypermobile too. I anticipated a meltdown from having to get her off but she surprised me by coming off it without too much of a fight. In a way it was a great party because there were no games or need for social interaction. Just a short break for food!

Light have a great time at the cinema, how lovely. A date night!

The twitch/tic seems worse when she is tired so am trying to keep things very low key after school. Have ordered a mindfulness for kids book, in case it helps. DFIL got me Fearne Cotton's book Calm for Christmas, which made me laugh as he was so worried in case it offended me , I should probably read this too as my calm will probably help.

He had a good afternoon, thank goodness 🙏 so relieved!

He had his old (favourite) TA this afternoon as I don’t think his regular one was in today. I don’t think it’s related as he was fine for her on Friday though I hope he’s not the reason for her absence.

Happy birthday to little Jam 🎉🎉🎉

Ds told me on the way home that one little boy was on yellow (presumably a warning of some sort) because he kicked the teacher in the leg. Not that I approve of this but it’s nice to know that ds is not always their biggest problem!

@danni0509 is it ds’ birthday soon?

It's his birthday Monday open. Asif hes 6 (66) 👹 haha x

Open glad that he had a better day

Happy birthday to your DS jam

We're both v tired here. I was approved to adopt again in the Summer but wasn't able to go ahead then because of my broken ankle. Currently waiting for news of a LO. My social worker came around after school on Monday to drop off some paperwork about a potential link - just her presence seemed to confuse DS. He did seem to have a better understanding of what is going on than I thought. He asked her where is brother or sister is. Since then he has been rather excitable/unsettled. He woke at 4am this morning which is really unlike him but fortunately we both went back to sleep - despite the fact that he was occupying about 3/4 of my bed.

Is he excited danni?

dimples how exciting. You really are amazing. I hope ds settles down a bit for you.

Ds in a very good mood here. So nice after yesterday.

Jam are you on the private group? She put a link to her top vides the other day yvonnenewbold.com/yvonnes-top-ten-videos-on-send-vcb/?fbclid=IwAR09fNFP-Mbp6PyH0aqLiyQV-UxMBF_5aaMeiHT3uoD-U0lrW3OySSAXDh8
Sorry not sure how to do clicky links!
She has also written a book but it's more about life as a SEN parent rather than the behavioural stuff.

Exactly light, it's ridiculous for people to think our children are having fun when they are behaving 'badly'.
Have fun at the cinema!

Harley they clearly don't understand your ds, do you think that if you gave them the information that they would look at it?

I'm not sure he really understands open. I've told him but other than me mentioning it he hasn't mentioned it himself.

danni maybe he’ll have a better idea after this year’s birthday.

I somehow missed a ton of posts, must've not refreshed.

Open we visit the school next week.
So great Ds had a good day.

I think we all need a bit of calm littleswede.

Wow dimples that is exciting! Will it be a younger child?

Liv yes, the plan is a baby. Theoretically with less needs than DS but then it's v hard to tell with LOs to tell what lies ahead.

Open thank you!

I'm slightly jealous Danni DS is already counting down to his birthday - in June! Everything in DS's concept of time happened/happens last week or tomorrow

Dimples ds thinks it's Xmas again soon and our holiday is in June and he keeps asking how many more days, he doesn't have any concept of time either! He will say things like did you fall off your scooter last night, no ds that was 4 months ago etc etc.
I would of contemplated the adoption route had our ivf not of worked for ds (he was second go at ivf ) all the best with it dimples

I'll be back on later to properly reply.

Dh has a Thursday off and he's a nightmare. sometimes think I've got 2 kids. Shopping for bath towels should not take 4 hours. I thought women were supposed to be the arseholes shoppers. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I like to be in and out no messing, dh on the other hand........

The social worker is a school social worker. She was very lovely. Turns out she has a child with asd to and she really got it. She fully understood how being stern doesn't help. She told me she finds it insulting that a competent mother who seeking out services and support to help my sons she said that it is very obvious that i am doing all that i can to help ds. She said that shes not scared of telling the school to do things and pointing out if she thinks there things they could do that they haven't and Shes not happy about. she asked in the meeting Monday if she could observe ds going into school Wednesday and today and asked me why today was different and he went in ok i told her as i did it my way not stern so she clearly saw a difference in ds today, When he went into school on Wednesday ds had his head down was very pale a very clearly distressed. The head told me that she would be talking to me all about being stern with and the social worker didn't. She didn't tell me nothing she didn't try take over she didn't tell me she knew better she actually sat and listened she took it all in and very clearly go it. She said its now important for her to get to know ds properly that she wont be even trying to suggest anything without building up a proper relationship with ds and ensuring that has some trust in her to be able to even try to communicate. I am happy it was so positive and willing be working with her like i have always done i am though still cautious quite simply because i have had people come in and seem to understand before when in reality they didn't.

Sendias didn't make it to the monday meeting as there care broke down. They phoned me before hand to explain. When they asked where i was with everything like ehcp rejected and appeal they said that i was doing what they would do anyway and that i make there job easy as its even rare they have to speak up in meetings as i have it all covered and defend ds and myself very well.

That's very brave of you dimples. I'm sure ds will enjoy being a big brother.

Danni another one who's ds has no sense of time at all! Sorry the shooing with dh was a challenge!

That is brilliant news Harley. I hope the social worker continues to be helpful and understanding.