Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

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Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

Morning :)

Interesting that the sensory stuff comes and goes - I never realised that it could. I always thought that was a sign that ds was faking, as sometimes he is very ok with noise etc.
If ds is stressed, he can't stand noise, so at home it's a battle because if ds2 is stressed, he makes noise which ds3 doesn't like, and makes him whingey, which upsets ds2, which upsets ds3 more etc etc.
We tend not to have oranges/tangerines in the house, because for some reason, the smell when they are unpeeled make him angry.

Supermarkets are OKish if I am 1:1 with ds, then I can focus totally on him, involve him in the shopping. If I have to go with more (eg picking up a prescription, or emergency shopping that we can't avoid), he runs, jumps, does knee skids down the aisles, says odd things loudly, looks like a really naughty boy basically.

The other thing I've found at home (no idea if this is normal or not!) is that he tries to make slaves of us all. I caught him this morning teaching ds3 (3) how to do his inhalers (hold the mask to ds2's face, squeeze the inhaler and count to ten) so that he doesn't have to do it himself.

Yep, the sensory stuff varies in severity a lot in this household too. ds2 has very little tolerance of noise when he is stressed, likewise a light touch if he is anxious is likely to send him bananas. The smell thing we hadn't really noticed but school says the days when he refuses to sit in the lunch hall (he generally finds more than three people in a room difficult anyway) are the days his classmate has smelly sandwiches.

Have they done the "stress-bucket" thingy with your ds or any other stress scale? It makes understanding the inconsistency in reactions a bit easier. If ds1 is not stressed then he can cope with a lot of things like mild teasing, getting sums wrong or not knowing precisely what will happen. If his general stress level is high then he can not. So today he is off on a residential for the weekend and it did not say in the information home whether he had to wear his school uniform or not. Despite being given options, like we can take your uniform with us in a bag just in case, masses of distress. However, we know this is very little to do with the uniform but just because he was anxious about the trip.

Suspect the "slave thing" is more a desire to get in control.

I am glad you say things can vary.

As a few weeks ago when I was carrying him to school daily. DS was so upset flapping, shouting, kicking and screaming and for two solid days only quoted randomly from Minecraft and I was terrified that I had broken him by making him go to school when he hates it. But since we are doing the softly, softly approach everything kn his basis...he is so much calmer.

Appart from yesterday when he kicked and hot me and I had to lift him put of the house, sigh.

No-one's done any stress bucket things with him, but as yet, no-one has really acknowledged that he is stressed at school (apart from me, over and over! And the teacher he saw on Monday, although this isn't going to be pursued at the moment as it's the end of term)
It makes perfect sense though that the more things ds is anxious about, the less he is able to do. It also explains why, in general, home life is easier when micromanaged, because loads of the stressors have been taken away.
The slave thing being about control makes sense. His worst meltdowns are after a visit or activity, he comes home and tries to take control and flips out if it's something he can't do.

Nice to hear the origins of G&C. I'd read about the goose part, but hadn't a clue about the carrot :)

Today's rant (well, the first so far ) is: Why are parent's experiences minimised and disbelieved?
In all the lurking I've done in MNSN, this is a very common thing.
When our lives are tricky anyway, why make it so much worse by not believing us and making us doubt ourselves?
And why not take advantage of the experts (I mean the parents in this case) who live with the children and know their triggers, and use this to make life that little bit easier for them?

I've been given the number of a child psychotherapist (or some sort of psychowhatsit) who specialises in working out what's happening and will be an advocate for ds. I'm waiting for her to ring back.

Thanks for continuing advice and support. I couldn't do this without you

Thanks, Polter. The carrot advice made me giggle and the geese analogy got a lovely ahhhhh.

I agree with OneinEight - my son is desperate to control the chaos of life and it explains quite a lot of his behaviour.

Today's rant (well, the first so far blush) is: Why are parent's experiences minimised and disbelieved? why make it so much worse by not believing us and making us doubt ourselves?

I agree Polter it's beyond abysmal. Why do teachers do that? In primary school, a professional told me there was another girl with similar needs who had a full time 1 to 1 and every help from the staff yet none of the staff would (note, not could, but would) see my DD needed very similar interventions and even when they were officially informed post paed dx they were as obstructive to everything as they could possibly be. I know of no parent of a child with additional needs who has not had to fight for years for the tiniest scrap of help. It's very wrong. I'm beginning to find out what it's like to be the parent of an adult with additional needs. Re-arrange the following sentence :- head wall against brick bangs.

I feel they make a judgement on the child and parent, when issues are first raised and never change their minds.

At one end are clear cut cases if children with obvious needs. Bonus points if school pick up issyes befire tge grateful parents.

All the way down to invisible needs with parents raising a concern.

There is a boy in my DS class who is so similar to DS, that his mother kindly suggested, that I look into assessment for my child.

Her child is supported and my isn't. The only difference, her child hits out AT school and my child saves stress up and explodes at home.

Polter :(

Polter, I am so pleased you are on these boards. It is so hard when as a mother, I have no idea what I should be doing for the best.

Having a safe place to post and non judgemental posters (like you) to listen is the only thing keeping me sane atm.

I mean it, you have helped me a lot

MN is keeping me sane too :)

Been to CAMHS again this morning, and I've worked out what I've been struggling to get my head round.
Ds struggles in loads of situations, but when I know why he is kicking off, I can deal with it and say the right thing to him, and this means generally he is happier.
When he's at school, where communication isn't amazing, he comes out stressed and I can't make it better, because I don't know if he's upset because x pushed him in the playground, or mrs Y told him off yet again, and if he's stressed, he can't tell me what's going on, just gives tiny snippets that we have to try to translate into the whole picture.

I've given up with his teacher now. She told him off yesterday for being giddy, but there's no point tackling her about it any more.
I'll focus on the new teacher, and hopefully he will communicate better.

Ds is seeing a private psychotherapist on Friday. She was recommended by a family friend. I'm not 100% sure what the aim is, but we've got nothing to lose, and apparently she will act as an advocate for ds which might be a help in school.

He's been kept in at break AGAIN
Come home off the scale, pissed off with the world.
From what I can gather, there was some work that he did but it's got lost (a week ago now), so he was kept in again to do it.

Does the message not sink in? What part of the 5 emails on this very subject did they not understand?

I am getting so fed up of this. I know it's the end of term, and only three hours ago I said I've given up, but seriously, after all the emails, the CAF last week, seriously?
RAAAAARGH.

How on earth do you get through this without losing all sanity?

Sorry to come and rant again, it's either this or crappy cryptic posts on FB (have already seen sense and deleted two)

I swear my blood pressure is through the roof.
They are not listening at all. The right noises are being made, but this teacher isn't getting the message. It's starting to feel like it's getting personal now.
Whatever this teacher's views, all we're asking at the moment is that ds doesn't miss break - is that so much to ask? To try to make our lives a little more bearable? It doesn't even impact the teachers at all.
If he's genuinely been naughty and misses some break as a punishment, fine, but bloody well let me know. Is it too much to ask that his break times aren't used to catch up on small bits of work?

If you never hear from me again here, it's because I have had a heart attack and died from all this frustrating bollocking bullshit.
If that happens, I will go and haunt the teacher just a little bit.

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Sorry you have had a bad day, hope things calm down.

Oof, 12 hours! Have some

I've calmed down, I'm still alive. You're right, end of term is near.

Another email sent.
It shouldn't be this difficult.

No, it should not be this hard