this is not really a SN thing, but you will all know the implications and ramifications much better...

[silverfrog]

dh and I aren't getting on.

well, it's me really. he is (apart from me being a snappy cow at times ) happy enough. I am not.

dh works long hours. very long hours. and you all know we have moved and moved again because of dd1's school etc.

when we had children, we agreed that I would be a sahm. and that was fine. except then, of course, dd1 has issues, and life is not exactly as we planned it to be (when is it? but ykwim, hopefully)

thing is, it is my life that got changed in all that. yes, dh's expectations and hopes for dd1 went by the wayside (and got exchanged for a new set), but otherwise his life carries on as normal. mine hasn't, and won't. the girls are at school now, so of course I have time in the day, but that is quite restricted when you take into account the 2 separate schools, pick up/drop off times etc. I can't join any of the PTA/form rep stuff at dd2's school, for eg, because of meeting times - am always an hour late.

I am studying, so this is not so much about something for me. I can exercise during the day now. all that is fine. but I can't for eg, get to tutorials for my degree in the evenings. because dh is at work. babysitters don't work that well, as dd1 ends up with sleep issues, and having come out of 3 years of that recently, I have no desire to go back there.

dh's solution is to throw money at it (which luckily we can afford). again, fine up to a point. but I don't just want to be able to go and do things - I want to be able to do them with someone (that someone used to be dh, but am not so sure these days, after years of not really ever seeing him) - not in a joined at the hip way. but even if I go and do stuff myself, he is not there to chat to when I get back. or he is there, but in body only - doing more bloody work.

he does work long hours, and we have a great life (materially speaking) because of that. he loves his work though - a real "carry him out in a box" type. so while it is work, it is also a passion.

so. things have come to a head, and I am thinking about splitting up. there is no marriage left - all we talk about is the girls, we disagree on most other things, and end up snipping and picking at each other.

BUT if we split up, of course, then I still don't get any time to myself, and the girls will see even less of their dad. if I stay, I get the odd evening off a bit more, and could have more if we can get the babysitting/childcare sorted, but would be staying for the convenience, as I am not into the marriage anymore.

but the thought of eg 12 days (dh works away a lot, so while he would have some evenings with them some weeks, it is not guaranteed) of the girls, on my own, with no break, regularly, and no one to talk to (even if that is just a terse conversation, or platitudes about our days) does not exactly fill me with glee.

dh doesn't think we should split up - he thinks it is still workable. well, he would, wouldn't he? he gets to live his life (albeit with a crabby and chaotic wife), and come home to a (messy and disorganised) house and his children. he points out, quite rightly, that splitting up would not solve what I want - ie him to spend more time (and proper focussed time) with us/the girls. that I would be as stressed, and as snowed under as I am now. my argument is that splitting up and doing it alone would at least mean that I knew I was alone, iyswim? not pretending to be in a partnership where half of us is not pulling their (emotional) weight. which would mean a lot to my sanity.

oh bollocks. I don't know what to do.

:(

I don't see how splitting up is going to make your life any better.

:(

Can you get a part time job during school hours? ( I know, rarer than gold dust)

Or a proper hobby during school hours that you like?

Or join social stuff during school hours?

From a practical point of view you need a regular baby sitter who is experienced with SN and willing to put in the work to get your DD used to them. Also, how would you feel about hiring a cleaner, preferably one who irons?

You also need to decide if you want to give DH another chance. Is he the kind of person who will understand what you mean about emotional support, or does he blithely think that things are all fine, and that you're talking womanly nonsense?

If you split, could you get a Nanny/Mother's help? You mention money not being a problem, it might be worth contacting somewhere like SNAP (or Pm me, I'm job hunting at the moment!) to get someone with specialist skills?

job is probably out. I could probably volunteer in a charity shop or somehting. but this isn't really about somehting to do for me, I guess.that's what the studying is about, and am enjoying it. and can fiddle around with bits and pieces.

but I want someone to share that with. and I am not getting that.

but yes, I would not be any better off if we split. but is that a reason to not split? especially since I am obviously not happy as we are, and I dread to think what we are teaching the girls by way of example of an adult relationship...

x-posts, pidjin. we have used SNAP beofre - I am not impressed, overall.

yes, we need a nanny/babysitter who is experienced and willing to learn. we have tried. it doesn't work out. dd1 is a tricky little thing.

but it would still not give me a partner, would it?

dh quite good at understanding re: emotional support. less good at actually giving any.

and I am not sure it is a 'nice' thing to do to stay, essentially for a better lifestyle etc. a bit mercenary, surely?

How are you off for close friends? That's something that goes by the wayside when you have caring responsibilities

to be fair to dh, I am not always good at being on the receiving end of emotional support either. I do tend to cope all on my own, for far too long, and then snap. and push away help that then comes as 'too little, too late' (and not done right )

X posts again!

I interviewed with them a few years ago, ditto on the not terribly impressed front! I got myself all tarted up and into central London (2.5 hours on the train) for a 15 minute interview and then never heard from them again!

Where-ish are you?

x-post again.

have my best friend near-ish by (an hour away). all other friends are from uni, and I am the one who doesn't keep up - they don't to hear me moaning on all the time.

frineds where we are is a non-starter. am getting to know some mums at dd2's school, but have to drop off early (due to dd1's school run) and pick up late (ditto) so dont get to see them often. and any evening events are hard to get to. even if they get to the point of being diaried, dh usually works late so I end up not going. my frined will babysit, but use her for essential school meetings, and she has a life too - she can't be coming over every night!

It does sound like that's a sticking point as well as the relationship - you only have a bunch of relative strangers on t'interwebz to moan to, and we don't know you well enough to tailor responses well enough to do anything other than banal platitudes

If you did split up he would have the girls for some of the time so you would get some complete 'me' time. Sounds like a winner to me! He sounds a selfish git who doesn't give a toss about you and your sanity. They are his children as well and by now you could have had an independent income but for the needs of your (as in both of your) children. He needs to be more pro-active, ditch the me, me, me re his work and think about you as a partner not a nanny/housekeeper. Otherwise he needs to leave. If you are on your own it will be easier just to think about you and the dds. What do you actually get out of the relationship?

as you have already raised the split/ not split with dh (and he thinks it is still workable) then you need to have the work/ life balance chat with him too.

if he wants you to stay together, what is he going to do to improve your current routine? can he take some sabbatical time away from work? leave his laptop and blackberry in the office? even a trial of this would let you see if there is a chance that he can focus on you and rekindle whatever you had before work and kids took over completely? he needs to know what's at stake, really... i think without trying to get him to see that the current routine isn't working out for you, and can't, because of his routine, you might always wonder if it could have been salvaged?

with spending more time at home/ focused on home, he might also understand where you are coming from wrt to the girls, too. by being a bit more invested, so maybe not being as argumentative over what you're trying to achieve? (it might well work the opposite way, and cement your belief that it isn't going to work, in which case you'll have your answer, too.... )

you do need to know that your concerns about your marriage are being taken seriously by him though. seriously enough for him to be looking to see how he can effect change for the good - not sweeping it under the carpet, patting you on the head, and carrying on regardless.

so sorry, silverfrog.

Crikey! Sorry - that came out far to harsh! Just the way I'm feeling today...

yes, I would have some complete 'me time' if we split. but it would be some (not regular - too busy!) evening in the week, and every other weekend. and I am not sure I can cope with the bits in between on my own...

madwoman: what will he do? erm, nothing. this is not a new convesation. have had it before. same old, same old. blackberry at the office? don't make me laugh! before we got married I told him I didn't want this lifestyle (wouldn't have got to the engaged point if it had been like this). things were different as we were abroad, and I said then that I would not be happy wiht htis. and then you need to add SN on top of that too.

Have said this all along - he says not possible to commit to eg a regular night home, or less travel etc. I say possible, as long as he doesn't hanker after too many promotions. but that is a compromise he doesn't want to make.

it tends to go along the lines of: wising up for a bit, lots of heart to hearts, and then the pat on the head and sliding back to where we are now.

lenin: yes, I've got my evenings back - me. on my own. even if dh gets back to do bedtime (literally bedtime - he walks in the door at the time they are supposed ot be in bed...), he will do that, eat, then work afterwards. usually until about 2/3am, which means come the weekend he is knackered and wanting a lie in. so no break for me then either.

no chance for weekend lunch togehter. no family nearby.

do you think an ultimatum would make the blindest bit of difference? does he think you don't mean it this time, as it's a conversation that recurs?

does he know this is pretty much the breaking point if he doesn't make some changes? or is he just assuming that if he ignores you it long enough, you'll pipe down and carry on as normal?

i do agree about the childcare thing though - we've had two really good live-out nannies who were great with dd2. we've still been through the nightmare evenings with might terrors and all that, but it does make a difference to have someone who knows the kids really well and can be trusted to cope.

what will he do if you split? will you insist on regular timetabled contact through the court so that he is forced into making work changes and pulling his weight?

Tbh it sounds to me like your dh needs to consider what's important to him? Can he not give up the long hours and be home at reasonable time to help you out.
You also need to spend some time together as a couple.

Dh gave up a better job with more pay to work 9-5 and it makes a huge difference, although I'm still stressed

If you have the money, I don't see why you can't pay someone to do at least one set of drop offs and pick ups for you.
It sounds a bit like you want him to fill a void in your life.
You have to fill it yourself first.

You ARE coping on your own! He's just making MORE work - meals, washing, clearing up after him, considering him etc. (I'm assuming he doesn't do much around the house). As for him 'being knackered' and needing a lie in at the weekend, well words fail me. He needs to pull his weight, it's not a hotel!