this is not really a SN thing, but you will all know the implications and ramifications much better...

[silverfrog]

dh and I aren't getting on.

well, it's me really. he is (apart from me being a snappy cow at times ) happy enough. I am not.

dh works long hours. very long hours. and you all know we have moved and moved again because of dd1's school etc.

when we had children, we agreed that I would be a sahm. and that was fine. except then, of course, dd1 has issues, and life is not exactly as we planned it to be (when is it? but ykwim, hopefully)

thing is, it is my life that got changed in all that. yes, dh's expectations and hopes for dd1 went by the wayside (and got exchanged for a new set), but otherwise his life carries on as normal. mine hasn't, and won't. the girls are at school now, so of course I have time in the day, but that is quite restricted when you take into account the 2 separate schools, pick up/drop off times etc. I can't join any of the PTA/form rep stuff at dd2's school, for eg, because of meeting times - am always an hour late.

I am studying, so this is not so much about something for me. I can exercise during the day now. all that is fine. but I can't for eg, get to tutorials for my degree in the evenings. because dh is at work. babysitters don't work that well, as dd1 ends up with sleep issues, and having come out of 3 years of that recently, I have no desire to go back there.

dh's solution is to throw money at it (which luckily we can afford). again, fine up to a point. but I don't just want to be able to go and do things - I want to be able to do them with someone (that someone used to be dh, but am not so sure these days, after years of not really ever seeing him) - not in a joined at the hip way. but even if I go and do stuff myself, he is not there to chat to when I get back. or he is there, but in body only - doing more bloody work.

he does work long hours, and we have a great life (materially speaking) because of that. he loves his work though - a real "carry him out in a box" type. so while it is work, it is also a passion.

so. things have come to a head, and I am thinking about splitting up. there is no marriage left - all we talk about is the girls, we disagree on most other things, and end up snipping and picking at each other.

BUT if we split up, of course, then I still don't get any time to myself, and the girls will see even less of their dad. if I stay, I get the odd evening off a bit more, and could have more if we can get the babysitting/childcare sorted, but would be staying for the convenience, as I am not into the marriage anymore.

but the thought of eg 12 days (dh works away a lot, so while he would have some evenings with them some weeks, it is not guaranteed) of the girls, on my own, with no break, regularly, and no one to talk to (even if that is just a terse conversation, or platitudes about our days) does not exactly fill me with glee.

dh doesn't think we should split up - he thinks it is still workable. well, he would, wouldn't he? he gets to live his life (albeit with a crabby and chaotic wife), and come home to a (messy and disorganised) house and his children. he points out, quite rightly, that splitting up would not solve what I want - ie him to spend more time (and proper focussed time) with us/the girls. that I would be as stressed, and as snowed under as I am now. my argument is that splitting up and doing it alone would at least mean that I knew I was alone, iyswim? not pretending to be in a partnership where half of us is not pulling their (emotional) weight. which would mean a lot to my sanity.

oh bollocks. I don't know what to do.

My DH took a back seat and I let it build and build that when the explosion happened he tried to do more and all I ended up with was an extra person to supervise. I had coped so long by myself that I no longer knew how to share the responsibility. We somehow worked through it. Mainly by having separate areas of responsibility and my exceptance that for him to change to a person he is not will end the relationship and vice versa.

I want to come and give you a big hug SilverFrog. :(

justa i do think that's the key to the childcare really - obv you have to find the right person, but you have to commit the time and the money to make it part of the routine - we had to put dd2 into nursery f/t for example, because the toing and froing and odd days was freaking her out. she is much better with a ft nanny (!) and i must have interviewed, um, about thirty nannys over the two hiring periods (and they were the ones filtered by the agencies lol). and we had a good few of them come in and spend half a day getting to know the kids so that we could see if there was going to be a germ of acceptance. we have used spec school staff for babysitting etc too. sn makes it sooo tricky. (our first nanny was actually someone who had never nannyed before, but had spent ten years in a chikldcare setting, the last few as nursery manager and sn co-ord. she had just become too removed from actual children and wanted to get back hands-on, and somewhere she could make a difference and use her experience. she was brilliant.)

at the moment we have a child carer who we are building up! she does some ad hoc after school stuff at the mo to lead the kids in gently, with the intention that if i do ever find a job she will provide all the care. dd2 is much much better now though, and we are working on ds1!

it's so chicken and egg though. seems odd to focus on a third party when the issue isn't there, so to speak. but it's all so knitted up together.

Hi Silverfrog - I have been wondering how things are going.
Any inisghts or progress. As i said before - I think most of us know exactly the
issues you have/had - we just deal with them in different ways.

I have been thinking about you too.
We had a crisis a few years back caused by much the same issues ( DS has autism and has just turned 12, DH works away quite often) I was frankly very alone, and got totally depletely in all areas of life. Then I got ill and had a long stay in hospital and dh HAD to take over. It was a big shock to him and took a while for him to reorganise his life a little to accommodate ds needs and my ill health. I feared we would split. When dh came to visit me in hospital he was distant and angry (probably worried). He was angry with me for not knowing what was wrong! But he managed and solved the problems 'throwing money at it' as required. He is good at organising and at problem solving. Local people rallied round to keep ds cared for after school and found help for us.
Any way now Dh tries to restrict working away to weekdays so he spends at least part of most week end at home. Sometimes he has conferance calls locally rather than fly off to meetings. He does a lot with ds who needs lots of physical exercise to stay calm -that I can no longer join in on. He tries to come to meetings. But the other important thing was to get others involved in caring for our child. That became critical because there was uncertainty about my future - what would happen to ds without me? The ill health has forced me to slow down and put myself first ( ish!) and find emotional and practical support from a whole range of people. The house remains a mess but it doesnt matter.
2 years down the line ds is happy and I certainly am much happier and can enjoy life again. I dont want to say too much about dh and I as that is so personal but I feel we are a team again .
So try and get as much help and support as you can. Get/ pay others to do the chores that deplete you. Try and find away to attend the courses you want to attend. I dont avise getting ill - but do look after yourself FIRST!

silverfrog - apologies I have only read your opening post.

DH works long hours (as do I now unfortunately). We started to take days off to go surfing together. So generally we manage 1 day a month (last month we took a whole 5 days). We're back here for the end of the school day, but just doing something together has made a huge difference.

thank you for thinking of me.

things have been up and down. dh has certainly been trying hard - up much earlier at weekends, doing more around the house etc.

we just had a pretty busy, but not overly stressful weekend - normal stuff. dsd was down again, and we made a cake for her birthday (dh, dsd and the dds did most of the cake making), had lunch together (dh did dishwasher while I did lunch), iced the cake (and ate it!) - dds very involved etc. then off for the fireworks on Saturday evening. all just routine, normal stuff (which i all I am after) dh much more involved. he did stuff up in the morning (got up much later than he had said he would, which had a knock on effect) but we talked about it, and he could see why I was stressed (and I, in turn, told him I was pissed off, rather than inwardly seething and being snappy all day). it meant the whole day was rushed, but we managed to do what we wanted to.

he is away (again!) - went off on Sunday morning. we had our first session at counselling last week, and he said he didn't think he was away a lot regularly - this is the fourth weekend in 2 months that has been disrupted by him travelling, not to mention midweek trips and late nights too. I checked for Sept/Oct, and if we had been a divorced couple, he would have seen just as much of the girls as he did while together, iyswim - I think it was 6 week nights over a month that he was home, and 4/10 weekend days. it makes it long and tiring for me.

we are waitng for our regular counselling slot - that was just the initial 'can we help you' session. it shoudln't be too long a wait.

I think what we need to do, having grown so far apart, is to set out what we both want from a relationship, and see if we can meet each others' expectations. a bit like meeting anew, in a way, except we have a shared history.

I think it iis all up in the air still, but I cannot really fault the effort he has put in recently - there are still niggles, but vast improvement overall.

somethign for us to do together - well, that would mean time off work again, and regular commitment, etc - which is all part of the problem.

yes, it is hard. and it is one more hard thing in a long line of hard things. something has to give, and it cannot be dealing with dd1/dd2. up until now, it has been me (imo) - taking on more and more, dealing with stuff, sweeping htings under the carpet. but I can't do it anymore. I am me, and I deserve to be counted too. I will not compromise dd1 over it - she will be high maintenance forever, adn I will step up to that to the best of my abilities forever, but she is not just my daughter.

Sounds like he needs to cut down his work hours - you need more of a balance in your lives. Tell him that's what he needs to do - that it's not an option. You are lucky you have room for manoeuvre financially. He's working hard because it's easier for him than being at home perhaps. Perhaps if he tries being at home more he will see life's not that bad and he could actually be enjoying himself with you and his children.

I have been going out more though (thanks to the dds' sleeping issues being on an even keel for now) - tbh, it just made me feel more alone. like we were housemates, not married.

I have a good friend who lives not too far away (relatively speaking) - have known her for over 20 years. we are certainly making the most of life atm, and I have managed a theatre trip/gig/day out every couple of weeks. lovely. I really don't feel shortchanged on personal life - I have my OU study (really should be finishing an essay right now...), and am managing a few coffees with mums now both girls are at school, etc. have even managed some playdates with both girls recently. all good.

but unless dh fronts up with some of the personal stuff - just sharing life really - then it still feels as though I am on my own (not to mention fronting up with sharing the responsibilities too).

me going out doesn't really give us a lot more to talk about - for one he is still rarely here to talk about it, and then if he is, there is frequently an air of 'wish i could have done that' on his part. and aside form what I am doing - I don't really want ot talk about his work all the time (an area I have absolute zero interest in), and he has no other interests...

gosh, that all sounds so negative, and we really have been getting on much better the last couple of weeks.

realhousewife: we spoke this weekend about just developing stuff we could all do to have fun. we have some good days out (we have Merlin passes, so have been at themeparks most weekends recently, but of course season is ending, so that is no longer possible), but imo need to work on stuff that mean we can just chill at home and all be involved. days out are stressful (even if they are enjoyable)

Kids want parents time, they don't really need trips and outings as much as they want attention. Is he deliberately avoiding 'together' time do you think?

Another thing you could do is book weekends away at a cottage where there's no TV or internet and just hang out, rather than do outings. Or have a screen free day at home, even.

When ds was younger and needing second by second one to one care I found myself not wanting alltogether time because I worried about not having time for all the things I must get done. But gradually as ds has got older together time has got easier. It does not need to be all day. We have been doing eating out training with ds on a sunday early evening when it is quiet and that has been very useful - almost becoming a family 'tradition'. It wasnt resful at first though but we have relaxed into it.