this is not really a SN thing, but you will all know the implications and ramifications much better...

[silverfrog]

dh and I aren't getting on.

well, it's me really. he is (apart from me being a snappy cow at times ) happy enough. I am not.

dh works long hours. very long hours. and you all know we have moved and moved again because of dd1's school etc.

when we had children, we agreed that I would be a sahm. and that was fine. except then, of course, dd1 has issues, and life is not exactly as we planned it to be (when is it? but ykwim, hopefully)

thing is, it is my life that got changed in all that. yes, dh's expectations and hopes for dd1 went by the wayside (and got exchanged for a new set), but otherwise his life carries on as normal. mine hasn't, and won't. the girls are at school now, so of course I have time in the day, but that is quite restricted when you take into account the 2 separate schools, pick up/drop off times etc. I can't join any of the PTA/form rep stuff at dd2's school, for eg, because of meeting times - am always an hour late.

I am studying, so this is not so much about something for me. I can exercise during the day now. all that is fine. but I can't for eg, get to tutorials for my degree in the evenings. because dh is at work. babysitters don't work that well, as dd1 ends up with sleep issues, and having come out of 3 years of that recently, I have no desire to go back there.

dh's solution is to throw money at it (which luckily we can afford). again, fine up to a point. but I don't just want to be able to go and do things - I want to be able to do them with someone (that someone used to be dh, but am not so sure these days, after years of not really ever seeing him) - not in a joined at the hip way. but even if I go and do stuff myself, he is not there to chat to when I get back. or he is there, but in body only - doing more bloody work.

he does work long hours, and we have a great life (materially speaking) because of that. he loves his work though - a real "carry him out in a box" type. so while it is work, it is also a passion.

so. things have come to a head, and I am thinking about splitting up. there is no marriage left - all we talk about is the girls, we disagree on most other things, and end up snipping and picking at each other.

BUT if we split up, of course, then I still don't get any time to myself, and the girls will see even less of their dad. if I stay, I get the odd evening off a bit more, and could have more if we can get the babysitting/childcare sorted, but would be staying for the convenience, as I am not into the marriage anymore.

but the thought of eg 12 days (dh works away a lot, so while he would have some evenings with them some weeks, it is not guaranteed) of the girls, on my own, with no break, regularly, and no one to talk to (even if that is just a terse conversation, or platitudes about our days) does not exactly fill me with glee.

dh doesn't think we should split up - he thinks it is still workable. well, he would, wouldn't he? he gets to live his life (albeit with a crabby and chaotic wife), and come home to a (messy and disorganised) house and his children. he points out, quite rightly, that splitting up would not solve what I want - ie him to spend more time (and proper focussed time) with us/the girls. that I would be as stressed, and as snowed under as I am now. my argument is that splitting up and doing it alone would at least mean that I knew I was alone, iyswim? not pretending to be in a partnership where half of us is not pulling their (emotional) weight. which would mean a lot to my sanity.

oh bollocks. I don't know what to do.

i think you need to book the counselling. i know you have reservations that you are coming at it from two opposing angles, but tbh () if you weren't, you wouldn't actually need counselling! i smiled a bit at zzzzzzz being 'too english' for counselling, and really thought the same way up until a couple of years ago, and that was after a lot of experiences where people suggested counselling and i gave the same answer (er, no. not going to happen, can't think of anything worse!)

the counsellor isn't going to come to a decision for either of you. he or she will (hopefully) just provide an arena where you can make your own minds up about the way forward - and provide a safe space where you can be listened to. which is often the key thing. sometimes being heard, instead of the nod and pass-by thing, is the key issue. and once he's actually listening, he might actually hear what you are saying.

he does sound as though he's making an effort though. maybe he'll build up steam?

he does need to live your life a little though. any chance of that break?

I've never been to counselling and would be quite opposed to it as an individual, but I think there is something of value having an 'observer' when you argue/negotiate. It makes you both behave like adults and keep your behaviour and expectations in check.

Justabout - I asked DH for input on the DLA forms so that he could tell me what care concerns he noticed so that I didn't miss any. I wanted to make sure what I had put made sense (I was exhausted) and just wanted him to browse through it for any glaring errors and to see if it made sense. I expect him to follow along with what's going on at appointments - even if just in a basic way. I constantly get the "you know what's best" or "whatever you think is best" comment in an off-hand way, as if he can't be bothered. He often excuses it with "you're better at that stuff than me" but honestly, if your child has SNs, don't you make the attempt to LEARN more about it?!?

I see your point. I don't force him to come to appointments. I do, however, request that he listen while I fill him in briefly on what's going on at them.

I agree though that the lack of interest is the problem. It completely undermines everything that I do, making it seem worthless (and I suppose by extension makes me feel like he thinks DS and I are worthless as well). I don't know about silverfrog but I feel like a single parent most of the time, and like DH is a roommate or housemate. So I can see why she is thinking that "practically am single parent now, might as well BE single parent." I know I do often.

It could be worse Silverfrog. You could be married to your namesake!

Hi. Have been in your position, with a dh who worked long hours-shifts and weekends. We have 2 dc with SN and other NTdc. I too wanted emotional support, but found it hard to put into words, what that support looked like.
Its horrible being married, but feeling so alone. I used to get upset when people talked of plans they had for the weekend, and I had a wwekend of me and the dc to look forward to.
I became really resentful. I too, was a SAHM, by choice, but our life became something we hadnt planned, and I totally get what you mean, when you say, your life changed-a LOT, but his really didnt.
Eventually, I gave my dh an ultimatum, in terms of being at home more, and seeing the dc more, and us spending more time together. The alternative, was to split, which, as you say, wouldnt make life easier, but at least I would truly be on my own.
When a partner is unwilling to get their work/home balance even, it is horrible for the other person. You are miserable, but they are ,"only working", earning money", doing their job" etc. Things that get "thrown" at you time and again.
But, they arent miserable, cos they love what they are doing, so dont see a problem.
Your dh is putting you and the girls second-by choice. You say you are financially stable. You must make a stand. When you have dec with SN, it cant be made better by "throwing money at it." Nor, can your dh continue to "hide" from the situation through work. Many men can work less hours, and I think especially with dc with SN, they owe it to their family to be at home more.
Make your dh see that you will not continue as you are and ask him in practical terms, how he can improve things. Also, make a rule, that work and talk of work, stays at work. That way, he will be more focused on what is happening at home.
I sympathise, and hope you can work things out for you, dh and the dc.

thanks again, everyone. I am reading it all, and digesting.

dh is serious about counselling - he has been trying to arrange it today. he called at lunchtime to say that the best they could manage was 9.15am - not an option as we can't drop dd1 until after that - but impressive in that he is prepared to commit to that on a regular basis. I will speak to my friend about babysitting for us, and see when they can fit us in in the evenings - dh said a waiting list, but not sure how long.

I remain unconvinced that it will do any good. we had a scheduled call with our American consultants tonight, and 5 minutes before it was time to call dh drops in that he thinks we shoudl go over all this (call is about the dds, really. and I had a host of stuff lined up, and he didn't, as always). it was a useful enough call - it highlighted exactly what I thought it would, and that just reconfirms my belief, tbh.

I fear this is only a matter of time. we see everything from completely opposing viewpoints - there is very little common ground in one person saying "this is not new, you have known this for years" and the other saying "it is completely unexpected, and has knocked me for six"

we couldn't even manage to discuss one of the ideas that our consultant gave us without ending up arguing. says it all, I guess.

oh yes, we need to talk it through - it's why I have agreed to counselling. but tbh the more we talk about stuff, the more acrimonious it gets. maybe we'll be able to work through that.

from my side, it's all been said before - I have no 'new' issues, it's just that I can no longer put up with the same old ones.

I asked him tonight why I should believe that htis time it would be different (after going through my issues again, and him saying we can work on it), and all he could come up with was 'well, it's the same for me - why shoudl I believe it will be different?". I had to gently point out that actually, I am the one saying ti won't be, and that is why I htink we shoudl split - I am not asking him to believe it will be different, but to recognise that it won't (and hasn't) change. it didn't go down well.

it ended up (and this is going to sound wrong because I don't think he was actually trying to play top trumps) with him going down the 'who has the hardest life' route - I am not interested. our lives are very different, and each of them is difficult for various reasons. neither is stress free, nor are they ever going to be.

it should not be like this.

that's who we were talking to tonight - the ABA (and a lot of otehr stuff) guys we saw in america.

they had some good suggestions. what they said made sense. but it still descended (post phonecall) into tit for tat and the blame route.

I don't want that. I know we are both at fault. I know that we have been here before. and nothing (or not enough) changes. and as the girls are getting older, they are noticing more, and I do not wan them being brought up amongst all this shit.

Hi Silverfrog - this thread has touched me and I am very sorry for what you are going through. I think we have all been there to different degrees and the fact is: parents of children with SN split up at a much higher rate than other couples
(did I hear 80%? - does anybody know the stats). I also totally understand the
"I've heard it all - there is nothing new" feeling. Totally.

So here come my ideas (and I am serious, if a bit unconventional):

• get a few days away (as suggested by others). Just for you and so that he gets a realistic impression how exhausting your job is. I just went away for three days and feel rejuvenated.
• Insist on him planning family time (preferably going somewhere/Sunday lunch etc) for 5 h on the weekend and do it all together. I know it's not what you think you need, but just try it. It might give you something to "talk about".
• What you need is somebody to connect with. Can you tell DH that you need somebody that sees and hear you and that you are looking for a lover. And then look for a lover: take the occasional evening off etc. If you serious about it, it might chance things eg your attitude and it might get DH to realize that you are serious (He probably thinks he addressed all your concerns by attempting to schedule counseling).
• Get a lover.

:)