Moving up to secondary school, lets flap about it together.

[lostinwales]

Apologies if anyone has started a thread like this already I just need some handholding before September. DS1 (11, formal diagnosis of Dyspraxia, informal of ASD) is currently in our small village school, 10/15 to a year group everyone knows everyone and he has a nice little group of friends. He copes very well with the routine there and his teacher has time to teach the way he learns and after help with an OT he is doing really well.

The one thing he doesn't cope with is anygthing away from this lovely order. This morning he walked to school ahead of me with DS2 as I dawdled with DS3. He got to school, realised I hadn't signed a form (not essential today but if he's been told it need doing it HAS to be done). He dumped his coat and bag and ran all the way out of school to me in a complete panic, by the time I'd calmed him down and we got to school and signed his form it was 5 past 9, at which point he started to hit himself in the forehead with his homework folder and panic as he was late (and as he has been told not to be late this mega panics him). In the end he was taken to calm down by an LSA and I explained to his teacher and they were lovely and calm and helped him but I could see he would be in a state all morning. How will he cope in a school with 1,000 pupils? Right now I could cry, I want to go with him and keep him safe but I can't and it terrifies me.

Hello!

Happy birthday to both the 12 year olds. That seems a long way off for us. DS is a July baby and only just seems to have turned 11. 12 is a very distant prospect! Mind you I have been struck how tall he is in the last couple of days. He had an inset day on yesterday and we went to town together and he felt nearly as tall as me - when did he get all growed up!?

Ellenjane so glad your DS was alright. What a fright! Thank goodness for cars too! It was good you were able to go and get him. My friend has moved her DD out of DS's school to one 45 minutes away on the bus and she doesn't have a car. It doesn't bear thinking about if her DD went in the wrong direction on the bus (she is NT so maybe not such a big deal but she is very immature in a lot of ways and would be in a right state too). It would have been hard if you had to somehow guide him back home without being able to get him.

Theninjagoose - glad you have been able to stop the other boys bothering your DS. I dread something like that with DS - he would take ages to tell us but it sounds like you managed to deal with it swiftly.

Lost - DS has something called the respite room (something like that, probably not the right name) but it is a quiet room where they have comfy seats and computers to play with and there are always LSAs to talk to even if they can't find other children to play with. Anybody can use it but it is next to the SN department and they are specifically told about it. Does your DS's school have something similar? It would save him wandering around alone.

Well, got a note from the tutor about using the computer for homework. Apparently they aren't keen as he will have to hand write in exams so he has to practice. His writing is legible but so poorly laid out and presented. She suggested worksheets for him to do at home.

I am sure her heart is in the right place but really, worksheets? He has spent the last 7 years doing handwriting worksheets with very little improvement being made in the last 4 years and I reckon that even if he managed to produce some neatish work on the sheets, it wouldn't be something that he would be abe to transfer to other work. And I bet the worksheets would be for cursive writing. The juniors gave up on that a long time ago and for a good reason!

I am a bit cross actually especially when I hear about other schools allowing everybody to use them. My friend with the DD who moved schools above has a netbook that the school provides. Every single child has one and they all do their homework on it. They can log on and download their homework which saves them having to write it down (important for dyspraxic children who can't copy from the board accurately) and then they can hand it in electronically when is done. Why can't DS's school do more of that?! They are supposed to be a science college FGS!. I think we might just have found a topic of conversation for parent's evening!

Does anybody know the criteria for using a computer in exams? If DS had some prospect of doing that, it might be a bit more of an incentive for the school to let him use one now.

Niecie - I am in the same situation with DS. The ed psyc who assessed him recently wrote in her report that she recommended that he stop practising handwriting and start producing more of his work on the computer. However, his new school - which I'm more than happy with in all other ways - won't have it. Instead, they are insisting that he has handwriting lessons.

I know of an older boy with dyslexia at the school who is trying to be allowed to do his exams on the computer. The exam board refuse to allow him because he doesn't usually use one in class - but that's because the school won't let him! Anyhow, I was told that to use a computer in an exam, you have to be able to show that it is how you normally do your work.

I really hope you get this sorted out soon - it's so stressful.

ellen, ds1 isn't toooooo bad socially, his issues are mainly lds but his confidence is on the floor so this should help, he's a school now playing footbal, I sent dh to watch Ds1's school have a lunch time homework club which is basically a sen safe haven, I've been trying to persuade him to go but he's not having a bar of it.

niecie, I've been impressed with the school on this front really, we only found out after the event, they used to have a real problem with bullying but the current head seems to really have cracked down on it. Ds didn't tell us which is a bit of a worry but hopefully we have a bit of a spy network going now Do you have OT input? It's the kind of thing they will tell the school should be happening and if he's statmented (sorry can't remember ) then you can ask for computer use to be written into the statement, provided you're backed by the OT report. I don't know if an ep can do the same but worth a try, the people I know that use computers have done it through OT. You could always try contacting parent partnership and see if they'll support you in talking to school about this, they should also know the criteria for exams, whether they'd allow a computer or whether he would get a scribe to do the writting for him and get extra time. It's worth dealing with now so you've plenty of time to sort any reports or paperwork that you may need to get done.

ds1 missed rugby yesterday because he'd missed that he was supposed to see the teacher at break time to get his name on the list to go, it was an away game. He came home in tears and didn't know why he hadn't been allowed to go, dh spoke to the teacher this morning and has explained he needs to be told one on one what he needs to do rather than as part of a large group, we shall see.

Hmm, this business about exams done on the computer is worrying me a bit. DS2 used an Alphasmart most days at primary and was therefore allowed to do his SATs using it, but at secondary they have been getting him to write himself or have been scribing for him a bit. I'm going to have to have a chat about it. Much better that he writes his notes himself on a laptop rather than someone scribing, and it will get him used to using one for exams, potentially. If he stops typing at all except at home, he'll get rusty, as well as possibly not being allowed to use one in exams.

These lunchtime safe haven clubs are a great idea, but only if they can effectively 'sell' them to the DC. If they are known as SEN clubs some children will inevitably be put off.

This thread will run and run...

TheNinjaGoose - No, DS doesn't have a statement and unfortunately, DS has no more OT, it stops at 11 around here. I thought that was a national thing? Are we missing out!!? Do we have to move?!

The OT, the school and I had conversations about him using a laptop but I am not sure we ever put it in writing.

I was trawling the internet last night trying to find something on the criteria for exams and found an interesting discussion amongst parents about it. It seems that what I thought intuitively might be right, has been experienced by other children - that the effort it takes for DS to write anything, even if it is legible, is detracting from the quality of his written work. Other people have found that if you let a child use a laptop, their spelling and quality of writing improves too. Several of them were suggesting quoting the Disability Discrimination act which I know very little about but if I can use it to make sure that DS is not disadvantaged more than he has to be by his condition then I will. More research needed I think.

Toffeefudgecake - We have never seen an EP and there seems to be a real shortage of them round here. I did meet one on a business seminar though and have her card. She doesn't really do assessments - she is more about finding the best outcome if you already know what the problem is. I might have a word with her.

The OT and the junior school told me about the rule that you can't use a computer or a scribe in exams if that isn't your usual practice in class which is partly why I want to get him started on them now so that it is an option. I suppose my problem is that I don't know how 'bad' he has to be before they say he can use a computer. His writing is legible I suppose but horribly untidy. Just the sort of script that would make an examiner throw their hands up in dispair.

Ellenjane - you sound in the same boat as us then except your DS has experience of using one before so I hope that gives you a bit of leverage.

And yes the 'safe' room they have at DS's school is a great idea and it is open to all children so if DS ever got himself a friend and that friend was NT they could go with him. I think they are very careful to make it an inclusive room. I thought that was a bit daft before (don't want it full of NT children as that doesn't help those with SENs) but you all have made me think that it is probably better that way. This is a great thread, isn't it?

Neice re the handwriting problem, have they tried anything to help him physiologically? Apologies if I'm going over very old ground but the thing that helped DS more than anything was a 'grip' to put on his pens (actually a collection of thin elastic bands). He is very bendy at all his joints and the grip meant he wasn't having to put so much stress on his joints to hold the pen in place which meant he had a greater range of movement in his wrists and hand. It also meant his hand and arm didn't get so tired holding the pen so he could carry on for longer.

There is a room he can go to at lunchtime in the SN department (although it has a different name to that) I will have to find a way of guiding him there. Sorry, just stopped typing to ask DS what he thinks and he agrees that if someone will point it out to him he would love to take a book there at lunchtime

Sticky question about Father Christmas, DS1 is still a firm believer and I worry that this may be a problem now he is in Yr7! What are your boys like on this topic? I also think it might be time to have a 'chat' about willies and girls and think I really need to get the Santa issue out of the way first!

Mine is still a believer I think. He might be a bit sceptical occasionally but the way he talks about what FC will bring, I think he still has some belief. I said I would somehow let him know before this Christmas as I agree that it might be a source of teasing from the other children to still believe at secondary. I hope he will be OK about it - he twigged about the tooth fairy a few months ago mainly because she was so very very crap at remembering to visit! No real magical creature could ever be that bad at her job. He thought it was funny so fingers crossed FC is equally amusing.

On the other hand I think DS2 has twigged. Perhaps I should just let him ease DS1 into working it out.

The willies and girls thing was dealt with by the school last term. I hope he gets it as I have offered to clear up any queries but he says he doesn't have any. Lets hope he doesn't secretly believe in storks too or he is in for a shock!

DS has tried the elastic band thing, plus all sorts of pencil grips. We have tried strange shaped pencils which are supposed to be ergonomically designed but he just can't work out the correct way of holding them, short of me putting his fingers in exactly the right place and even the grip only lasts a few moments before he is holding it completely differently.

It doesn't help he is left handed because I find it hard to show him how to do anything. Which brings me to my next question really - football boots. They have the dreaded laces so can anybody tell me if they know of a place where you can get those no-tie laces from. I think you twist them but I don't know what they are called so it is difficult to google. Do you even know what I mean!??!

Ooh, laces, there was a thread about them in the summer. These looked good. www.locklaces.com

This was the thread. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/1280898-laces

Thanks Ellenjane - just what I was looking for. I would never have found those by googling.

I do remember some that you twist round but these look so much better.

ds1 isn't a believer but then he has 2 older sisters! Last year he didn't believe but would hedge his bets when I said that if he didn't believe he wouldn't get anything [wicked mother]

niecie, I don't know what age it is here for OT as dd3 is only 5 but she'll get it until 18 as it's one of the therapies provided by her school so long as the govt don't stuff it all up when they change statementing, sticks head in sand I've had a look and couldn't find anything solid about exams either, can't be that hard surely to let people know what policy is Tooth fairy is equally crap in this house, dreadful memory she has!

ellen, you ok after your stbx latest exploits?

Yes, thanks Ninja. Mostly it's fine. I'm just trying to look ahead and not back as it all seems like such a waste of my life. All the good memories are tarnished. Thank God for the boys, though. You just have to keep on going. It's a bit like a bereavement, but with a lot more anger thrown in. It got put into perspective a bit today at school. A Y4 lad has lost his father in a car crash. I cried buckets, even though I don't know him or his family. I'm a bit susceptible to tears at the moment, but at least my kids still get to see their dad.

it's not a waste ellen, you have your gorgeous boys and from what you've said he was ok until the ow arrived on the scene . . . Onwards and upwards as they say, you know where we are when you need a moan. How's ds2 getting on, bus problems sorted?

They are gorgeous, that's true. No more bus problems this week. Except for some 'entrepreneur' selling him cans of fizzy drinks! All that sugar and DS2 don't mix well. Luckily someone else dobbed him in so I didn't have to complain. It's like some sort of soap opera.

Lost - DS1 believed in Father Christmas until he was 10. He then asked me outright one evening whether he existed and this time, instead of saying, "Well, what do you believe?" and deflecting the question I, stupidly (assuming he now knew the answer) said 'no'. He burst into tears and was inconsolable all evening . He'd rumbled the toothfairy so I assumed he'd also worked out the Father Christmas thing, but I was wrong. He had believed in it in spite of all his friends telling him the truth. I felt so guilty for ruining his Christmas. So - er - don't do it my way! (He was fine in the end and actually enjoyed joining in with the pretence for his little brother. And it was the first Christmas I had a whispered 'thank you' for his stocking fillers).

Has the bullying behaviour stopped now, Lost?

EllenJane - I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. A friend of mine in RL is going through a very similar situation to yours and it is so tough for her: like you, she has to cope with looking after her DC as well as coping with her own feelings of loss. I think the only way through is to get lots of RL support (and MN support too, of course ) and take one day at a time. And be kind to yourself.

TheNinja, Niecie and Magso - hope all is going OK.

It's nearly half term! Can you believe our DC have nearly completed the first half of the term? Well done to them all! I am so proud of my DS. He has had quite a few anxious moments recently, but he has coped with it by going to sit in his safe place (in the office with a sympathetic member of the non-teaching staff). Because the teachers understand his issues, he is never criticised for leaving the classroom for a while. He has even started eating food in the canteen for the first time, which is incredible considering he spent most of his first few days at school not eating anything.

I have noticed DS's OCD rituals getting much more elaborate recently, which indicates how exhausting it is for him to maintain a 'normal' facade in his daily life. We have an appointment with a CBT therapist next Monday, so he will be getting help with that soon.

DS still hasn't had any homework yet, which perplexes me, as I know the other children are getting it. I think maybe his little 'nurture group' receive homework later in the term, but that worries me because surely they will fall behind. I just hope the teachers are not setting this group lower targets because of their special needs...

Toffeefudgecake - that was one of our issues with the nuture group my DS was put into. It was only a temporary group yet they weren't having to keep up with the rest of their year so that when they did get moved out, they would have been miles behind. I really didn't want DS to have to cope with a struggle and the possible perception of being a failure if he didn't have to. It is difficult though. We were told there was of a focus on the social and emotional side in the nuture group and the academic was secondary. I suppose you have to weigh up which requires the most support and/or encouragement. Have you had parents' evening (sorry if you have said)? It might be worth putting this particular concern to them and see what they have planned.

Ellenjane - I am mightly impressed about how well you appear to be coping with STBExH. Your DC are lucky to have you.

Had a conversation about FC here with both DSs the other day. They both said that I was to tell them the truth when they were 18.

I think they know the truth, bless them, I just think they don't want to admit it.

I can't believe it is nearly half term either, except for the fact that tempers are getting little frayed. I think a week's R&R is going to be needed. Both my two have started new schools so it has been a bit full on but they are settling well.

DS1 had a test in English this week - end of module thing. He was very chuffed to have got a 'safe' level 5 and so am I - it was in English, probably reading and comprehension as that was his only 5 in the Yr 6 SATS but he isn't going backwards. Hoorah!! At least he is proving that academically we were right to move him. I would like to see similar reassurance from maths too but it doesn't sound like he is going to get tested for that.

Hopefully we will all avoid any big dramas in the next week and get to enjoy a nice rest the week after.

BigBoobie have you name changed by any chance? Or am I having one of my regular slow moments? To get a solid 5 in secondary school is brilliant as they will normally discount any 5's that come up from primary I'm so excited at the prospect of half term . DS2 is going away on a football camp for two nights as well so that sould reduce the rowing by quite a lot.

'Normal facade' is a brilliant way of putting it, I was struggling to explain how DS1 has a huge long hug (or 3) before he goes out every morning and then seems to 'put on' a different person to walk to the bus but that's exactly right. They are brave and strong our boys, I'm very proud of them all.

Bullying has been resolved this week as the boy DS1 is friends with which has triggered the other boy to be mean has been on holiday all week so no interaction between the two of them. He was in such a good mood when he came in from school on Thursday it made me realise just how down he has been.

There's been more trouble with 'through the medium of contempory dance Welsh' teacher. She sent home a snotty note about concentration in his contact book with he must (underlined twice) make more effort. I have given in and played the SN card for the first time and I think she will be getting a little bit of education herself this week from the SN coordinator. Through the medium of Welsh of course!

And Ellen I second everyone else, you have been amazing and your children are gorgeous.

Oh goodness. You can tell I haven't name changed much over the last 7 (!!) years. It is I, Niecie. I keep forgetting you can't mind read.

Hi all. A lot has happened since I last posted, but a lot that should have happened has not! I am torn between giving up work knowing it will be for ever if I do(I already struggle to keep up to date and on top
of my professional life) or move to get access to a different school that we can feel confidence in. The lack of communication and joined up thinking with transport is causing a lot of problems.
The good news is ds survived his school trip and obviously enjoyed the experience. phew! The only hiccup was the journey from school to home -again! this time he was deposited at a respite centre who were at least able to sort out where ds was supposed to go. Ds was unphased ( he was allowed to sit in the front of the bus ) but dh and I were frantic!
I think we will have to get ds a mobile phone. It will need to be very basic with pre programmed numbers and cheap enough to replace when lost as I am sure will happen.

Ellen those shoe laces look brilliant! I am sure ds feet grew in the 4 days away so in the nock of time for the inevitable new shoes (velcrow not available in the next size up)

toffee hope the therapy helps. We have started retained reflex therapy but it is too early tovtell if it is helping yet.

Ds was disappointed about father christmas too, but now enjoys the pretend element. He still believes the reindeers need food put out though, so I am uncertain exactly what he believes! I have visions of laden sleigh with reindeers in charge of distribution! He has a birthday soon and copied out the reference numbers of the Lego sets he would most like to receive! Ds is only at the most early stage of learning to read so this is quite an enlightened step!

Niecie

Oh magso what a pain. I actually feel really lucky that I haven't got any work at the moment, it feels like DS1 needs me more than he ever has before at the moment. I hope you can get it all sorted out. DS1's first piece of coherent writing was lego codes, he didn't want to get the wrong ones!

I considered taking unpaid leave whilst ds settled into secondary ( I only work one day a week) now I really wish I had! Last year we had a carer who met him off the bus and supported him at the after school club but when she left I could not find a suitable replacement and since he had grown up so much hoped things would work out. Actually I think ds is coping with the transport quite well- it is the adults around him who worry!

How is your boy doing now lostinwales?

Well had a lovely apology from transport. I will make a card ( with his timetable and contact details) for ds bag so he can show it to any confused adults. I got to speak to his house leader and feel a bit less worried.
Any recomendations for a mobile phone that is simple enough for d?. He can read mum and dad on a good day!

Ds has been fairly relaxed since his school trip. How is everyone else doing?

Fair play to transport for apologising. I'm not sure about mobile phones, DS has quite a nice little one but it's not simple (well he thinks it is, it's quite confusing to old lady me!). How is he with numbers, I used to have one that I pre programmed so if I pressed 1 for long enough it would phone home.

Can't believe it's half term tomorrow, we made it this far . I have my 'should we have sent him to the closer school over the county line' moments as more of his friends went there so it would have been easier socially but tomorrow he is going on a trip to a 'creative cafe' and bowling alley as the school are running a pilot scheme (5 schools in Wales doing it) to give vulnerable children more confidence coming into year 7 and I'm really pleased. (sorry ran out of full stops somewhere there!) And so the confusion and parent guilt continues, I'm sure my parents looked much more in control at this point, do you think they were putting a brave face on it and swigging gin when I wasn't looking too?

Magso - scary times but good news that the transport company have apologised. Do you have more faith in them getting it right now? Your DS sounds so unphased by it all. They really have grown up a lot in such a short time, haven't they?

LostinWales - the trip your DS is going on sounds great. I hope he really enjoys it. I do worry about my DS's lack of social life, even if he doesn't seem bothered and would love him to go on something like that. Perhaps we should move to Wales and live with the PIL........ or maybe not.

Two small breakthroughs here for us. Yesterday I was on my course which is 20 minutes drive from DS1's course and doesn't finish until 3.30pm. That isn't a problem as both my boys do after school clubs (DS1 does Scrabble club which as far as I can tell is a big draw as the teacher in charge provides snacks ) However, the teacher running Scrabble club was on a course yesterday so DS didn't think it would run. I said it probably would as somebody else would do it and he was to make sure he went to find out for sure and if not to phone and I would leave my course early. At 3pm my phone goes but I don't notice so I tried to phone him back but couldn't get through so I left a voice mail and packed up. He phoned again whilst I was driving and I couldn't get it in time and I found I had no calling credit left (DS2 seems to have used it all on games ). Anyway, 2 minutes from home he calls again and I pick it up to find he is already there. He had walked back home all by himself and in the rain. And what is more he wasn't upset about me not being there and was just really pleased to see me. I couldn't believe it!!! No panicking and a lot of pride from my boy.

And now this afternoon he has finally learnt to tie his shoe laces. I never thought I would see the day! No temper tantrums and hurling himself about saying he is useless. No shouting just dogged determination. Just in time for PE and football tomorrow. Yeah!

Hope you all have a great half term.

bigboobied, that's fantastic, well done that boy!

lostin, gin definitely, t'aint known as mothers ruin for nothing although I was sooooooo much more relaxed about dd1 and dd2 starting high school. Pilot scheme sounds great, hope he enjoys himself.

magso, pleased to hear transport have apologised! May be one of the cheapest mobiles would be better as it'd have less stuff on it, and as lostin said one that you can preprogram a number key to ring home, I've had a few that do that.

toffe, how's ds doing, any less stressed?

ellen, hope ds has remained sugar free!

another one here who can't believe we've made it to half term in one piece! We've had a few problems with the bus, ds1 is leaving just after 7am now as he says they are too busy if he leaves any later and he can't get on, I'm not happy with that but I don't want to stress him any more. It's no better on the way home, he's been pushed off the bus a couple of times, once because it was packed, accidents happen but the other was boys being nasty but school dealt with that really well, wasn't sure they would as outside school. They seem to have the attitude that while they are in uniform they represent the school where ever they are.

looking forward to next week, hope you all enjoy the break