Moving up to secondary school, lets flap about it together.

[lostinwales]

Apologies if anyone has started a thread like this already I just need some handholding before September. DS1 (11, formal diagnosis of Dyspraxia, informal of ASD) is currently in our small village school, 10/15 to a year group everyone knows everyone and he has a nice little group of friends. He copes very well with the routine there and his teacher has time to teach the way he learns and after help with an OT he is doing really well.

The one thing he doesn't cope with is anygthing away from this lovely order. This morning he walked to school ahead of me with DS2 as I dawdled with DS3. He got to school, realised I hadn't signed a form (not essential today but if he's been told it need doing it HAS to be done). He dumped his coat and bag and ran all the way out of school to me in a complete panic, by the time I'd calmed him down and we got to school and signed his form it was 5 past 9, at which point he started to hit himself in the forehead with his homework folder and panic as he was late (and as he has been told not to be late this mega panics him). In the end he was taken to calm down by an LSA and I explained to his teacher and they were lovely and calm and helped him but I could see he would be in a state all morning. How will he cope in a school with 1,000 pupils? Right now I could cry, I want to go with him and keep him safe but I can't and it terrifies me.

Well, the meeting got the right result -DS is being moved out of the nuture group in a week's time (not next week because of the CAT tests). If I had been less tough about it I would have had a mauling - I have really taken a dislike to the Head of Yr and I do think he tried to bully me.

First of all he admitted to mishandling the way DS was put in the group and the lack of communication on the matter. No apology though.

Then he went on about how he hadn't seen the SENCO from DS's junior school for 2 yrs (so what?) and he told me how thick DS's file was compared to everybody else's. Again so what? If he hadn't read it, which he clearly hadn't, it isn't much use really is it? He went on to talk about why DS was in the nuture group (as I thought it was to do with a one-off incidence 15 months ago). He told me how they treat the nuture group -basically they keep them out of the mainstream, restrict the number of room changes and teachers they have, they are a mixed ability group so they aren't put under any academic pressure and everybody is apparently very understanding of their difference.

He then said if we moved DS he would be in a class of 26 (how is that different from junior?), it will be noisy(clearly the man has never set foot in a junior school) and he will have to work faster and have more homework (better than being held back and stopped from making any progress). He will have 14 teachers instead of 2 (twat - DS has about 7 or 8 teachers but nice try at emotional blackmail) and he will have change rooms a bit more often which is the only thing that bothers me, but DS knows his way round the school and all the names of the blocks and so long as he tags along with the class, hopefully he will be fine. Oh and the teachers will be less tolerant of his differences.

Of course, DS would still have to make the change at some point in the year as the nuture group is for a year max and they move them out sooner anyway. In the meantime, they are not helping them with room changing and the volume of work so other than separating him from all the people he knows and holding him back academically, I am not sure what it is supposed to achieve. It is an ill conceived idea.

I just noted it all down and then he just said, so what do you want to do? Tell us now and we will arrange it. No need to hang about, just tell us now. The man is a bully, so I said I would speak to DH but I knew what his response would be and that it was same as mine - he needs to be moved. However, despite him repeatedly saying just tell us now I refused to make it official. He isn't going to force me into making a snap decision and besides he needed to know he wasn't dealing with a pushover. (twat)

So in the end I emailed his tutor who is thankfully very nice and I didn't just say yes or no, I listed out our point of view and the reasons why we thought the nuture group was wrong for DS so he is moving on 26th Sept. I just hope the Hof Yr doesn't sabotage it. I wouldn't put it passed him. Twat. (Have I mentioned that before?)

Another MNer is having trouble with him too. I got a PM in response to a thread I did about Successmaker the computer programme they use and it just so happened that her DS is in the same class as mine. What a coincidence! Anyway, she is not find the twat man very helpful either nor does she like his manner and is having a meeting with him too. Hope she give him hell.

Oh crikey - embarrassingly long again.

Sorry, had to get it off my chest.

Lostinwales - hopefully they don't just stream them on the results of that one test but all their reports from juniors as well. (oh and that was another thing - Twat kept on about how the SATs were all fiddled anyway to make the juniors look good. Again who cares - what is important is where DS in relation to his peers and it isn't at the bottom of the pile). Do you have a parents' evening soon to ask such things?

Ellenjane - Hope you are OK. I meant to say earlier I am glad your DS isn't phased by his father doing a runner. He has you and I am sure you are all he needs.

Magso - A little bit of mummying won't do any harm for a few weeks. In the long term I am sure your DS won't need it. I would enjoy it while you can as I am sure the cuddles won't be welcome in a few months or years.

NeiceTheTerminator you are going to have to keep that name change. Well done at standing up to the bully, I would probably have cried (I always cry ) I do hope that they take into account Primary school achievement although DS1 ended up getting a 5 in his maths SAT thingie which was as much a shock to him as it was to us, I'm not sure he would cope if he ended up in a high achieving group as much as I would rather he wasn't in at the bottom (shock headline, woman wants her child to be average ) How brilliant for you to have another MN'er as backup, I actually pity the Head of Year, he doesn't know what he's messing with. I have no ideas about parent's evening, my head in the sand summer has left me relaxed but clueless!

No Lostinwales - I wouldn't want my DS in the top set either. I am happy with average too. Not sidelined with all the trouble makers nor dropped into the first set where he won't cope, just somewhere in the middle is just fine. I would rather he was top of an average set than bottom of the top set iyswim (not that he will be top but just saying).

And yes I usually cry - the man had me in tears on the phone the first time I spoke to him although he couldn't see. There were just uncomfortable silences. . I think DH not being able to go at the last minute gave me a touch of steel. Plus the silly man acted just as I thought he would, came out with all the old guff I thought he would so in the end I was trying not to laugh. If I had been playing teacher cliche bingo I would have had the full house.

Oh I love the idea of teacher cliche bingo

Phew dh is back from his latest overseas assignment and ds has transferred to wanting a lot of daddying! However I agree it was nice for ds to actually want cuddles from me!
I missed a call from his 'form teacher' because I was on my way to collect ds from his first time in the afterschool computor club. He loved the club and was allowed to play games on the lego site - they know how to get ds keen! At least I know there is an allocated form teacher. Ds lost his coat but it turned up again (i wrote his name in every conceivable place). Most of what he has lost has mysteriously been put back in his bag a few days later so I think there must be a kindly teacher or literate child looking after him - which makes me feel a little better. Some of the signs of high anxiety ( wetting, baby behaviour, crying and extreme mood lability)have reduced over the second week. Fingers crossed!
Niecie I like your new name ending ( Magso visualising terminator playing teacher cliche bingo) . Sounds like you are doing very well at getting what is best for ds.

niecie, what was that? Did you say your head of year was a twat, I wasn't sure you got your point over Definitely agree that you should keep the name, it's very fitting atm! I love a bit of cliche bingo, annual review for dd3 was always fab for that.

can I join the 'happy with average' group, in fact I think I'd be over the moon with that Should get our appointment for meeting the form tutor this week, will be good to see what he has to say. Ds1 spent ages on this piece of homework only to find it sat on the side this morning after he'd gone, I think organising himself may be the topic of discussion!

magso, I did the same with ds1's stuff, wrote on the fabric of things, labels can be cut off if someone wants to nick things. Your ds sounds like he's doing really well.

Did I call him a twat? Surely not!!!

I have to be very careful not to call him that in public I think.

We have parents evening this week too. It is good that it is so early on isn't it? I notice we are the last appointment so I think the tutor was giving us space!

I feel a bit of fraud on this thread actually. I have a DS who I am trying to remove from a SN group and I know so many people would like more help. I should count my blessings I suppose and be thankful they are taking care of him. I hope I don't sound like he doesn't need help because he does, we just disagree with the school about the sort of help. We were warned about his learned helplessness and DS being too passive in his last OT report. He really will just give up if he doesn't get pushed a bit.

'Learned helplessness' is a brilliant phase. That's what I've been trying to avoid with DS1. He's come so far and I really really want him to leave home one day and look after himself so if the SENCO and I do everything for him he won't learn. (We'll gloss over DH doing his RE homework over the weekend ok? )

I would love a parents evening. He is having trouble concentrating and I have found this after someone sent me a link and I think we are going to get one for him. It looks like an A4 file and will give him a cushion and a writing slope that he can cart around with him without him looking too 'special'. It would be lovely to explain to teachers what it is and why he has it. I was thinking of sending him with a note to show all his teachers but I know he would never have the courage to hand it to them.

Nice to 'see' lots of you this morning. So far our boys seem to be doing better than we thought, brilliant

Oh god I just shouted at ds1 . He's got three lot's of homework, we are going to MiL's for tea and all he is doing is jamming the end of his expensive easy to write with soft nibbed pen into his 'fiddle toy' bluetack. Pen ruined, ink everywhere, approx 1% of homework done. Deep breath, let's try again.

Bugger, wrote a long post and lost it all!

In summary, then. DS2 still happy at school and unbothered by exH's absence. (Autism is good!) He's been set in 3rd/5 for science and 4th/5 for English. Pleased with science, unsurprised/resigned for English. They are doing CATs this week and will be set for Maths afterwards. Hoping for 3rd set again. Average is my dream!

Neicie, liking the Terminator! I've been using a few choice swearwords directed at exH lately, dickhead is my fave, but I could be swayed by twat.

Lost, DS prefers his 'normal' pen to his 'special' one! Waste of money that was! Ada Lovelace was a cracking mathematician, one of very few women in her era. Surely not bottom set. Let us know how wobble cushion/wedge goes.

Ninja, DS needs organisation help, too. School have given him full time 1:1 to start off, 6 more than his statement. He wouldn't have managed without it. Hopefully won't become 'learned helplessness.' Sometimes not being able to 'pass for normal' can be good, you worry less about them fitting in at least!

Magso, love to know who the belongings fairy is!

Wonder how Toffee's DS is doing?

Just popping in before I go to bed and I see you are wondering how my son is doing, Ellen . He's doing really well, thanks. Last week, he attended every single day, even though he felt sick one day (anxiety symptom). That is his first full week at school since last February.

I noticed today that he's been given several housepoint stickers in his diary, although he won't admit to me that he's proud of them. He won't tell me anything about his day (says he's too tired), but I can tell, by the way he is, that everything's fine. His new friends are a key factor in this, I'm sure. He was so unhappy at his last school and felt as if he didn't have any friends. It's doing his confidence so much good to have friends again.

Still no homework. DS's friend, who is in the mainstream class, told us that homework starts today, but DS came home today with the news that he wouldn't have homework until October. Presumably, then, the 'nurture group' get longer to settle in first. That's fine with me. DS is so tired when he gets in that he would struggle with homework at the moment.

Had a meeting with DS's form tutor last week. He thought DS was doing well, but said that he could see he needed 'nurturing' and was quite vulnerable. DS was sitting alone during the tutor period every day and not mixing, so the tutor moved some other boys nearer to him so that they can interract with him a bit. He said they are keen to talk to DS and are gradually drawing him out of himself.

Ellen - glad to hear your DS is also happy at school. And also that he is not bothered by your DH's absence. I hope you are looking after yourself. You're having a tough time.

Lostindave - sorry you have had homework stress. Hope you sorted it all out.

Niecie - sounds like you've had a difficult beginning with the tricky Head of Year, but at least it sounds as if you are getting the situation resolved now. Hope the parent's evening goes ok.

Magso - that's good that your son's anxiety is reducing as he grows used to the new routines.

Toffeefudgecake - Well done to your DS on being at school the whole week. If he hasn't managed it since February that must be a massive thing and hopefully an indication he is settling. It is good his form tutor has noticed his vulnerability too. Sounds like your nuture group is doing what it is supposed to (unlike my DS's.... mutter mutter mutter).

Ellenjane - Yay to our average children!!! I am glad your DS isn't too upset by Dickhead - it means you are free to hate him without worrying about whether you are upsetting your DS too much. I hope you are OK too.

Lostindave - which dave is that then.
The writing ramp looks good. We tried to get my DS to use one but he wasn't having it - he doesn't want to be different. I can see him losing something like that too - it would be just one more thing that doesn't come home in the evening. They do some fantastic, but expensive, desks on that site. I quite fancy one myself!

Yes, learned helplessness is a big problem for my DS. He will just throw his hands up in defeat at the first sign of difficulty and not bother. Being the nuture group won't help him because they won't make him tackle new things. The OT said not to let him sit back and let everybody else take control so that is what we are trying to encourage him with. The nuture group here don't help with that, or if they do they aren't explaining it at all well, hence the argy bargy.

I really miss the OT support. It is such a shame they don't help after Yr 6.

Ninja When is your parents' evening? I hope it goes well.

Niecie - sadly, DS1 won't achieve another whole week at school this week as he is at home with a tummy bug today. However, he was actually sorry that he couldn't go to school, which I don't think has ever happened before . He got himself dressed in his uniform, but then spent ages sitting on the loo with stomach cramps, poor boy. I had to point out that he really wouldn't be able to get much work done at school feeling like that.

Just need to vent for 30 seconds if nobody minds!

DS1 came home today with his usual mountain of homework which we valiently do every evening, although it has us both fed up and grumpy, and last weeks drama floats onto the table. It was a poster about emotions (I cannot think of anything he would have found harder) which had taken the whole week. Apparently when he had handed it to her (in front of the whole class) she handed it straight back with 'We study drama through the medium of Welsh' as he had written the emotions in english. No 'nice effort' no anything but a curt sentance (in Welsh of course) and the return of the poster. I would fight anyone for the right of children here to be educated in the medium of Welsh it is DH's family's first language the same as many families round here, and I understand that only total immersion at this level makes this viable but, grr, well, pah , to treat an 11 year olds first piece of homework so dismissively, let alone a child with dysprxia/asd, ooh if I met her now she'd have some words from me!

I have held off phoning the school but I think it's time for a quiet word!

Thanks for listening, hope eveyone else had better days

That's awful, Lost. How discouraging for your DS, particularly after it had taken him the whole week. I don't think it would hurt to point this fact out to the teacher, as tactfully as possible, of course, as well as making the point that a poster about emotions is a particularly difficult subject for a child with ASD.

I hope your son has a better day tomorrow.

DS was off school again today. I was worried that history was repeating itself (he always gets ill when he is stressed at school), but gave him the benefit of the doubt again this morning. I've told him he must go to school tomorrow. Then it's an INSET day on Friday, so a very easy week for him this week. And no homework until October, apparently - the school want the children to settle in first.

Sorry, lost, just made me giggle. We study (add subject of your choice) through the medium of contemporary dance. Tell the drama teacher to shove her homework up her contemporary 'lovey' arse.

Thank you, you have made me giggle too . Sometimes the hardcore Welsh language promoters (or the Taffia as they are known) can be so pretentious it's funny, I'd forgotten that.

DS went to school without any protest this morning .

INSET day tomorrow, so a long weekend for him. Homework starts next week.

Hello! Been a bit of a week here but thankfully it hasn't been about DS1 much which is good. We did have his parents' evening although it was a little pointless although we did get his new class and timetable and DS is very excited about it now. I have asked that he has a 'buddy' to show him the way in the mornings but I think the biggest worry is not leaving his belongings scattered around the school! He seems to have a reputation for leaving things behind and with more room changes it could be a bit of a challenge for things to catch up. I have given him a stern talking to but how much actually goes in I have no idea!

Lostin - that teacher sounds a cow frankly. Maybe you should have a quiet word to remind them all about his difficulties. Especially the drama teacher - sounds like she is getting ideas above her station too. It isn't like drama is important is it. Has she forgotten she isn't a core subject!?

Not heard the word Taffia before - excellent! PIL are English people living in N. Wales so we go there a fair bit. MIL has made the effort to learn Welsh but I still find it a bit intimidating if you go into a small shop where they are all speaking Welsh and I pipe up in English. Probably my problem though.

Toffeefudgecake - Glad your DS made it into school yesterday and that he has a long weekend to recover properly. He made a good start by the sounds of it so hopefully he will be off less and less. It has been a tough 3 weeks though, hasn't it?

Hope everybody has a peaceful weekend. Fingers crossed I am not back Monday evening after dealing with an upset DS and wondering if I cocked up by getting him moved. It is hard work this mothering business isn't it?

DS1 is in the top stream for maths This is the boy who until last year would go out for extra maths help and sometimes have 1:1 in lessons. I am both chuffed and terrified! Although it shouldn't be such a shock as DH is a mathematical genius and I am currently doing a maths course with the OU just for fun... DS2 is fantastic at maths and if he's in a particular mood in the holidays can be bribed to tidy up by the promise of 'hard maths' on the computer. (The Lost family, proud to be geeks )

Neicie we have not seen our PE kit for quite a long time, well it came home on Wednesday for the first time but went straight back as he actually had PE the next day. I don't hold out much hope of seeing it again for a while. Our box of spare pens/pencils etc is already much depleted but I'm not going to nag him he seems quite low at the moment as it is. I hope your Monday goes well, we beat ourselves up so much don't we and all we want is the best for them.

Can't believe it has been three weeks already, it still seems such a long time until half term though. I think we will all just sleep for a week.

Toffee good your son was able to go to school Ok. Lost inwales a budding mathematition!
My concern has been growing. A number of incidents. The continance issues - severe stroppyness on coming home. Difficulties with homework. Loosing things. But against that ds seems to be making friends - with a new nieghbour, and he has been invited to a party.
Today it all went horribly wrong. I was suspiscious when ds got home from school - very picky/stroppy ( you know what I mean that trouble brewing spikyness). I had asked for a meeting with school but his house leader phoned literally just as ds got home. While she was talking the child from next door must have called and ds disopeared! ( He went next door to play with the new neighbour whose parents I had not met yet - they moved in at the weekend) I did not know where he had gone). I think he was cross I had answered the phone but I have been trying to speak to the teacher for more than a week ( as it is a special school there is no parent teacher contact). Any way found him half an hour later at my neighbours ( although he is 11 he has MLD as well as ASD so needs supervision - the neighbour is lovely fortunatley) Later we called into the little shop - and he threw a full scale wobbly on the floor whilst hugging a pudding he wanted but knew was not going to be bought! It took hours to calm down and included running infront of a car ( he completey lost it). I feel quite battered ( and actually ofcourse am - as is ds from bashing his head on the floor). It is quite a while since ds had such a meltdown!! Anyway ds has not been handing his homework in ( he cannot read and struggles with day names never mind dates) so all the hard work doing it is wasted. The teacher said we did not need a meeting and in effect they could not put any special help into place to support ds with his poor organisation. He has to pull his socks up.
Rant over. Its not been a good day.
Once peacful ds cried and cried about wanting to stay in the classroom ( ie just one).Ds has fallen into an exhausted sleep!! What to do?

Oh magso what a shitty day, poor DS and poor you. I really have no words of wisdom, surely they could give him some help with organisation. Even in MS school the teachers are very verbal about what homework they are expecting that lesson. How heartbreaking if it's done and he gets no credit for it. I would have imagined much more help and contact from a special school, I could rant on your behalf. We work so hard on homework and organisation I feel like I'm back at school again, I pack his bag with DS1 every evening and we put books in order, discuss which has homework to go in (even though I know the teacher will ask) If he has trouble recognising words would colour coding stuff work, maybe school could meet you half way on that? I can see just why he would want to go back to one classroom, big hug for magso junior.

Lostinwales- thank you colour coding is a good idea! Perhaps some coloured stickers for the subjects or days. Normally I am quite hot on colour coding!!Ds is well not really 'with it' in the mornings so although I do talk him through it - I had expected the teachers to prompt them - ds is not the least able in the school after all. Apparently he got into trouble for saying he did not have his 'programmer' with him which is what it seems they call his timetabling book. He had it with him but probably did not know the book was called that. ( I didnt either). He also keeps loosing his stuff and has got into trouble for leaving stuff in the classrooms. I wonder if some of the older children could help prompt him there are some older girls on his bus that seem kind! I can see so clearly he is struggling but mostly has not the language to tell me what is bothering him. He did ask me why I was so nice to him after he was so ' horrid' to me. I wonder if he has been 'horrid' at school too and just need me to be an old fashioned mummy - and then I answered the phone to his teacher ( mixed school and home up)!
The trouble is I have been told before - when ds started ms that they could not make adjustments that ds had to learn to do what the others could do in otherword pull his socks up, and my heart is breaking for him. Si I fear the fight begins again!!
Sorry to winge away.