Moving up to secondary school, lets flap about it together.

[lostinwales]

Apologies if anyone has started a thread like this already I just need some handholding before September. DS1 (11, formal diagnosis of Dyspraxia, informal of ASD) is currently in our small village school, 10/15 to a year group everyone knows everyone and he has a nice little group of friends. He copes very well with the routine there and his teacher has time to teach the way he learns and after help with an OT he is doing really well.

The one thing he doesn't cope with is anygthing away from this lovely order. This morning he walked to school ahead of me with DS2 as I dawdled with DS3. He got to school, realised I hadn't signed a form (not essential today but if he's been told it need doing it HAS to be done). He dumped his coat and bag and ran all the way out of school to me in a complete panic, by the time I'd calmed him down and we got to school and signed his form it was 5 past 9, at which point he started to hit himself in the forehead with his homework folder and panic as he was late (and as he has been told not to be late this mega panics him). In the end he was taken to calm down by an LSA and I explained to his teacher and they were lovely and calm and helped him but I could see he would be in a state all morning. How will he cope in a school with 1,000 pupils? Right now I could cry, I want to go with him and keep him safe but I can't and it terrifies me.

Gosh yes half term already!

BigBoobi your ds did brilliantly to calmly decide to go home on his own. They are indeed growing up. all the boys seem to be adjusting to senior life so well!

How are you all today!? I hope you are having a restful time.

Our target for half term. To get DS1 to go to the shop by himself. He can do the walking. He can go in the shop alone, but for some reason he is scared to do them both together. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. For a dyspraxic child the list of things and instructions he has to consider for that trip must be a bit daunting. Mind the road, look both ways, don't forget your money, make sure you queue and don't push in (be aware of other people is a biggie in itself), remember what to buy, remember to hand over the money and wait for the change, remember to say thank you, come back and do the watching the road thing all over again. There is a lot to it and I probably don't help by trying to remind him of everything.

We are on a roll though. I reckon he can do it!

Anybody else planning to do anything this half term they wouldn't have dreamt of doing 6 months ago?

Oh, I am so relieved it's half term. DS was getting so many illnesses by the end of term - I think he needs a break. I was amazed when he slept in till 10.15 this morning.

We had the info about targets sent to us on Wednesday. I was really disappointed to see that they expect DS to get only Level 5s in all subjects by the end of Year 9. I don't understand it. He was on Level 3 at the beginning of Year 6 and progressed to Level 4 after 7 months of home education. Are they saying that school will only help him progress one level in two years ? Does anyone else understand anything about this? I am really worried that the special class he is in expects less of its pupils academically. Then I worry that I should be less ambitious for my son, considering his special needs. We are starting treatment for his OCD next week, which is really bad at the moment. Maybe I should focus on that and not expect anything of him academically. I just don't know. After half term, I'm going to contact the head of his year and ask him to explain their reasoning.

Bigboobie - well done to your boy! You are right to be proud of him.

Ninja - so sorry to hear your DS has had some issues on the bus. Hope things are better next term.

Hope you all enjoy a lovely half-term break.

Toffee I will check with DH (primary school monster - huh I swear I meant to type teacher, I'm going to leave it to stand though as it amuses me ) But I'm sure he says that they do not expect them to go up levels that quickly ie if your child is a 3 (above average) at KS1 (yr 2) then some parents get frustrated when they may not be level 4 until they are in yr6, which is the expected level.

Lovely half term so far, DS1 had a lovely boy over today, he is an absolute gem of a boy and they get on really well, DS1 was so happy I nearly begged to his friends mum to lend him to us for the week! DS2 is going away for football camp, on his own quite content in his ability to make friends and play football like a demon, I wish I had his confidence, but it does mean we are halving the number of arguments for a few days!

Toffeefudge - in junior school the national expectation is that the children go up 1.5 sub levels a year so they go from, say, a level 2b to a level 4b in the 4 years in the juniors. If that same rule follows at secondary in the 3 years from the beginning of Yr 7 to the end of Yr 9 they would expect to do 4.5 sub levels so 1.5 complete levels. So, a child who was on a 4b at juniors would be a 5a or a 6c (it would fall somewhere between the 2 because half a sub level is just too much for my brain to work out on a Saturday evening!! ).

To get to the point, on that basis if they moved from a level 4 to a 5 it looks like only one level but it might be more than that if you break it down to sub levels so their expectations for your DS might not be far off the mark. Plus, a lot of schools make a big push in the last few years so the learning might accelerate after yr 9 iyswim. But on the other hand, I do know from our experience of Nuture groups that there is a lower expectation academically on the children there. The Head of Year said as much. That is fine if you have other talents or would not have achieved much academically anyway but not if, like my DS, academic skills offer the best chance of a 'normal' life which is why we thought it wasn't the best place for him to be.

LostinWales - How lovely your DS has found such a nice friend. It makes life so much easier to have a friend doesn't it?

I have been meaning to ask, having noticed again in the OP that your DS's dx is very similar to my DS's if you have read a book 'Caged in Chaos'. It is about what teenage life is like for a child with dyspraxia. Teenagedom seemed a long way off 6 months ago but it seems to be creeping ever closer at an alarming rate now so the book is very relevant. It was written by a teenage girl with dyspraxia and is very readable and I had lots of 'yes' moments because it describes my DS really well. If you get the chance to read it, it might be worthwhile.

BigBoobie it's a good idea to think of half term training targets! I have beenstruggling with working on greater freedom for ds so its timely to hear what you are all doing! We are lucky in having a smll village bakers which as long as you avoid first thing and lunch time is rarely crowded, so ds is able to go and get his own gingerbread man so does not have to remember to queue. Queing is a step to far just yet. I think maybe what I need to work on is letting ds play outside and on the park with much lower supervision.
Ninja it is good the school take behaviour outside of school seriously, but leaving at 7am is so early poor child
I am relieved it is half term but ds has been much more chilled since his school trip. I suspect he was more at ease with field learning than in the classroom so it has given him a chance to settle in with his peers. Is the course finished now lost in Wales and do you think it helped ds?
We have had very little information from the school, and I really struggle with that. It is so different from ds primary in which I had total confidence. Ds is academically still mostly on level 1 at best and P scales so I cannot help with understanding that, but it is interesting to note similar issues socially.
Hope you and the dcs all have a relaxing revitalising half term!

That book looks brilliant toffee, I have ordered a copy, even though it gave me a little heartsink moment, why is it that everytime I do something like that I realise that I'm acknowledging DS will have a harder path in life and is 'different'. Silly really, I've know for years but I think moving up to 'big school' and going on trips like he did on Friday ram it home harder than when he was in his lovely little village school. Blimey ignore me, anyway, yay the all blacks just won the rugby

Lost - though I'd love to take the credit for recommending a good book, it was BigBoobie who recommended it, not me. Glad DS1 had such a good time with his friend and I hope they can get together again over half term. I hope DS2 is enjoying his football camp - and that you have made the most of fewer arguments. It would be great if you could get your DH's opinion on the target levels, btw - thank you.

BigBoobie - thanks for that information. That really helps to clarify it for me. I must dig out DS's report and see what his sub levels were for his SATS. The trouble is that his anxiety really affects his school performance, so he got very low scores for his CATS, in one case only scoring a '1' because he had to leave the exam during an anxiety attack. What you say about the nurture group's lower academic expectations is borne out by its differing curriculum - for instance, it only does one hour a week of languages, compared to the three in the mainstream classes. The nurture group also provides extra classes on maths and English. This perplexes me as, presumably, the children in that class have widely differing needs and are not all going to be rubbish in those subjects. Another boy in DS's class has a very similar diagnosis to my son, but is very good at maths, so doesn't need the extra maths classes. And why is it assumed that children with special needs are not going to have any talent at languages ? It really does seem as if intellect and special needs are being equated with each other.

Magso - great to hear that your DS enjoyed his field trip and has seemed more relaxed since.

Hope all's going OK with you, Niecie and Ninja.

DS has his second appointment with the CBT therapist tomorrow. We had our first last week (sorry, I can't remember if I have already said this). Anyway, the therapist was lovely - professional, knowledgeable, warm and sympathetic - so I am feeling hopeful that she will be able to help him. DS's OCD is particularly bad at the moment, presumably because of the stress of coping with half a term at school. The poor boy can't even get through a door without going through a time-consuming ritual that involves stepping back and forth a set number of times (and repeating it until he feels he's done it exactly right). It drives us nuts, but we have to remember that it must be far, far worse for him.

Hope you all have a relaxing half-term break - much needed by us, as well as our DC .

I downloaded a sample of caged in chaos (thanks Big) and it was very helpful to read about living with sensory and movement difficulties from an eloquent young person. Ds has the full dose of spectrum difficulties so could not communicate. School does make differences more apparent.
He must be turning into a teenager as he slept in to nearly 9 this morning! He used to be a real lark!
Toffee those rituals drive us mad too. Perhaps it is an advantage to not be mathematically gifted, ds rituals tend to be low on repititions!

Hi all. This had dropped off my 'I'm on' list.

Fantastic that they have all made it to half term, all pretty successfully.

Toffee, I'll be getting DS2's targets early next term so I'll be very interested in them from your experience. I have DS1's (nt) targets to compare, luckily, so the fact that the 'new' subjects like languages, history, geog etc generally have much lower targets won't faze me. But I do worry that expectations are low. DS2's TA seems to be scribing for him a bit too much. He's a lazy sod and will take full advantage. He's been doing quite a few end of topic tests and did a whole week of CATs etc. I think they use primary school info, CATs and in house tests to set targets at his school. DS2 scraped a level 4 in English so I'd expect his Y9 target to be a low level 6, 2 levels in 3 years. If you ask the question on the secondary education board you'd get a more knowledgeable answer.

Ninja, sorry that the bus is an issue for your DS, too. My DS now has a 'buddy' - a Y11 prefect who is supposed to look out for him. Mind you that didn't stop him catching the wrong one, of course!

Bertha, good idea to have a target for half term. I may pinch that idea! A trip to the shop to buy sweets would be it's own reward!

Magso, I struggle with the lack of daily contact and info from school, too. There's a parents evening next term, but I really want a review with the SENCo. Just a chat as to how they think he's done.

Lost, I hope you enjoy a bit of 1:1 with your DS. Was this a new friend he's made that came to visit? DS2 hasn't mentioned a single name yet. I know he's happy but it would be nice if he made some friends.

Anyway, first school holiday since Dickhead left, boys still seeing him regularly, which means I have to deal with him. Grrr. I'm still standing, as they say.

Ellen - Good idea for me to post on the secondary-school threads. I might do that. Sorry you are still having to deal with DickH. A friend of mine has been through a very similar experience recently: her DH left her suddenly, leaving her thinking it was all her fault. She later found out he was seeing another woman. I am meeting her every week - my small attempt at helping her through it. My own parents went through their breakup when I was a child, so I have experienced the child's viewpoint, but I am really shocked at seeing the effect of her DH's selfishness so close up as an adult. It's just awful. If you are still standing, all credit to you. I think you need to take it day by day and be kind to yourself.

Right, off to get DS2 into bed, whilst nursing a very sore finger, after the DC inadvertantly shut it in the door during a lighthearted bedtime scrap. They were both very contrite when they realised what they'd done. At least they are eager to please now.

Can't talk, reading new book

Lost -

Had final meeting with the Education Outreach Worker today. He said DS1's attendance was 75% for the first half term, but thought this was reasonable considering his issues. He said the school accept this too. The school have decided to keep DS in the small class for Year 7, but they are giving him work that is harder than most of the other children in that group - so they are differentiating. This was reassuring, but I am still going to meet up with DS's form tutor or head of year next term to discuss it further.

That sounds really good Toffee, really reacting to him as he presents to school and not to a 'label', I know our primary school is very good at reacting to individual childrens needs but it's lovely to see in a secondary. Great mix, smaller group to get used to secondary but work that will challenge him.

I've got an odd conundrum for all of you. I've been reading the book everyone suggested and whilst it's very relevant to help DS1 the more I read the more it could have been me writing that book. I had a very tough time in secondary school, never really fitted in, always badly dressed, losing stuff, breaking things. A real square peg in a round hole. When I was small my mum used to say 'If you can't find lost look on the ground' because I was always falling over. Anyway I could witter on forever but I'm dyspraxic aren't I, it would explain an awful lot, people are always telling me I'm different, in a nice way though! It would also explain why I look at a lot of people and just don't understand how they work, people seem very illogical to me. I have always said DS1 is just like me only more so, I must just be the adult version, the one who has learnt to cope

That must be really difficult for you to come to terms with, Lost. You sound just like my DH, you know. For years, he has said that the 'thing' that DS1 has is the same as he has, but no one would give it a name. When we sought help for DS1, we (well, actually, me as they always seemed to blame me ) were accused of wanting to 'medicalise' our son. Well, we were right and he did have a medical condition. We could see that DS was different from other children and DH has always said that he (ie DH) is also different from 'normal' people. When DS1 was finally diagnosed as having Tourettes by a psychiatrist, she then looked at DH and said, "Do you think you have ADHD? Would you like to see someone about it?" She said Tourettes and ADHD are in the same family of difficulties, which would explain why he has one aspect and his son has another. DH has now been referred to someone who specialises in this area and will be assessed within the next six months. He is convinced that he has Tourettes/ADD. I know that it would make sense of his life if he finds that he has because he has always struggled with certain areas of life that other people find easy (in spite of high IQ, etc).

These things are usually inherited, so it would make sense that your DS1 has inherited his condition from you or his father. It sounds as if you already know the answer without a diagnosis, but it might be worth pursuing it if you feel it would help you to be certain.

Like you, DH is the 'adult version' of his son and has learnt to cope with his difficulties. When I read the questionnaire he's had to fill out for the assessment, I was taken aback at some of the things he had written because he hides it all so well, even from me. However, it would explain why he gets so exhausted by life, because he is frantically paddling under the surface all the time, trying to fit in and appear as if he is just like everyone else.

Thanks for your comments about DS and his school. I must say, I am very happy with them so far. They seem to be doing really well with him and it's going much better than it ever did at primary. I thought things were going to get harder, not easier, so it makes a welcome change.

Actually far from being difficult it's quite liberating . I can't be cross with anyone there wasn't the level of understanding in schools in the 80's. I had an awful time in school from 11-16 and didn't do nearly as well in my exams as I should have 'doesn't test to her ability' ring any bells! It's quite relaxing to think that I am a little bit different and if I'm happy for DS1 to be this way then I'm more than happy for me to be like this! I really do find the majority of people baffling! I've spent the last week puzzling it all through, mostly thinking about something, grinning, shrugging and thinking 'well that makes a lot more sense now'.

Probably explains why I was so slow to react to school wanting to send DS1 to the Paediatrician, I couldn't see anything wrong with him, he was just like me. (Now DS2 with his ease amongst people, great learning skills and over abundance of coordination, he's baffling )

So thank you whoever recommended that book, it's made sense of my life and DS1's. I think I will always remember this week as the moment things started to make sense! Plus I will stop worrying so much about DS1, I turned out ok eventually in the end and so will he.

That's fantastic, Lost. I have just asked my DH if he would feel the same if he gets a diagnosis and he said, yes, liberated from feelings of inadequacy! It's interesting that you couldn't see your first son's special needs because they seemed 'normal' to you.

DS1 performs really poorly in tests because of his anxiety and OCD (he had to leave one CAT test for that reason, so only scored 1/10 for that one) and I worry that school will underestimate him, but if they are setting him harder work than others in his class then that doesn't seem to be the case.

DS1 was very anxious about going into school this morning. He woke up with a nosebleed, felt sick, is getting a cold and is worried that DH and I are going to London today so won't be at home to 'rescue' him if he needs us to. He refused breakfast, so I packed him some crackers for breaktime instead. But he went to school, which once he wouldn't have done, so that is progress. I just hope he makes it through the day.

Wow, lost, that must be amazing, reading about yourself and recognising yourself! I can remember reading loads about autism and Aspergers and none of it sounding a bit like DS2. That is until I read the Hanen speech therapy book for children with ASD, More than Words, and suddenly they were describing DS2 and his hypo-sensitivities. Every other book had described hypersensitivities!

And that was earth shattering enough and it was DS2, not myself! You do hear of grandparents suddenly realising they are on the spectrum, I suppose. I hope the information helps you to understand yourself and your DS1 better (if not your DS2!)

Ellen - forgive my ignorance, but what are 'hyposensitivities'? I have done a google search, but you can probably do a better, more succinct job of explaining it to me.

DS1's OCD was bad today and he asked me to help him with them this evening because he was so exhausted. I know I'm not meant to 'collude', but I did (eg. shutting the door for him) because I could see he had had enough. He said his 'habits' were worse because DH and I were in London today, so it made him anxious. Poor thing. But he still managed to get to school and stay there, so that is progress. I just wish he didn't suffer so much.

If you have sensory issues, you can be hypersensitive (over sensitive) to noise, light, movement, touch, taste etc. Picture DC with their hands over their ears, hating swimming pools, cinema etc. Or you can be hypo-sensitive (under sensitive), so you seek sensory stimulation, you like deep pressure massage, you jump and spin, you like loud noises, strong tastes etc. Often you have a combination of the two. My DS is hypo-sensitive to most things except hot food, which he struggles with. It makes him exhausting and approaching hyperactive, but he's not at all anxious. Whether that's due to his personality or the way he senses the world, who knows?

Thank you for explaining it. I can see why it would be exhausting to cope with. So when my friend's son (who has autism) is banging his head against the wall over and over again, although he is not angry or distressed, that may be an example of hyposensitivity?

It could be that he's seeking some sensory stimulus (stim). How old is he? Head banging may be a stim that has become a routine, one that doesn't sound particularly acceptable. My DS does a lot of flapping with his elbows bent, which I wish I had discouraged more before it became so ingrained. It looked cute on a small child.

Actually, must sleep...

Wow you were up late Ellen and lost!
I had similar confusion when ds was smaller regarding sensory issues. Ds has many areas of hyposensitivity but is also hypersensitive so will seek deep pressure, jiggles and rocks, chew clothes and fingers, lick windows, sniff people but reject shoes socks and be driven mad by labels. He can also fluctuate from one to the other.
We have been going to a private OT and she has identified many issues, such as fully retained primitive reflexes, so we are doing various simple movements to improve this situation. As an aside she commented on ds struggling to cooperate and seeking comfort ( by fiddling etc) to help him cope. It was quite enlightening to recognise that some of the annoying behaviours that drive me mad in formal situations such as appointments are ds way of coping with situations he find hard.
Ds used to head bang but grew out of it. He hates hats and I used to try and put one on when he head banged in front of me - not that it would have helped protect him.