Moving up to secondary school, lets flap about it together.

[lostinwales]

Apologies if anyone has started a thread like this already I just need some handholding before September. DS1 (11, formal diagnosis of Dyspraxia, informal of ASD) is currently in our small village school, 10/15 to a year group everyone knows everyone and he has a nice little group of friends. He copes very well with the routine there and his teacher has time to teach the way he learns and after help with an OT he is doing really well.

The one thing he doesn't cope with is anygthing away from this lovely order. This morning he walked to school ahead of me with DS2 as I dawdled with DS3. He got to school, realised I hadn't signed a form (not essential today but if he's been told it need doing it HAS to be done). He dumped his coat and bag and ran all the way out of school to me in a complete panic, by the time I'd calmed him down and we got to school and signed his form it was 5 past 9, at which point he started to hit himself in the forehead with his homework folder and panic as he was late (and as he has been told not to be late this mega panics him). In the end he was taken to calm down by an LSA and I explained to his teacher and they were lovely and calm and helped him but I could see he would be in a state all morning. How will he cope in a school with 1,000 pupils? Right now I could cry, I want to go with him and keep him safe but I can't and it terrifies me.

He's 12, Ellen. I'm not sure how much he does it now. I just remember his mum describing it to me. It must be an awful thing to witness.

Hope you went to bed after your last post. I was up too late as well. Am trying to plan a party for my youngest son and it was the only time in the day when I had any uninterrupted time.

Magso - the OT sounds very helpful. How interesting - and really helpful - that she saw his 'annoying behaviours' as coping mechanisms. I remember the first time someone spotted my son's issues as anxiety related. He was five and being terribly disruptive at school. The teacher kept complaining to me that I wasn't disciplining him properly at home . I was talking with my health visitor about it and describing how he switched into disruptive, hyper behaviour as we walked into school (which baffled me) and she said, "He's anxious." Clever woman. She was absolutely right. The poor boy couldn't cope in school at all and his teacher was hopeless at managing him and just kept punishing him, so no wonder he was anxious.

DS went into school again today. Refused breakfast because he felt sick, but drank a milky coffee. We are hoping he might manage the whole week, which would be a great achievement for him, particularly as his OCD is causing him such difficulties at the moment.

Anxiety can be so crippling. I feel really lucky that it affects DS2 so little. It's another of those traits that can make our DC, for all their similarities and similar DXs, so very different to each other.

Sorry, Magso, missed your post!

The retained reflexes thing, can that cause some of the anxieties? Are the children primed for fight or flight all the time?

Hi ladies, you dropped off my list for a bit there! Hope you are all OK and had a good half term.

Lostinwales - it was me (Niecie) that recommended the book. I did have a moment of panic when you said you recognised yourself. I thought I might have traumatised you for life! Your later posts sounded quite positive about it so I hope you are OK. I loved that book though - it just described DS so well. It was a the first time I had found a book that fitted so I understand the lightbulb moment you might have had. DS isn't typically AS but the traits he does have are explained in the book as part of dyspraxia and it all made sense. The best thing is that it gives me hope for DS too.

Do you think your DS will read it? I told my DS about it the other day after a difficult conversation with DS2 who had been approached by a boy at school (where DS1 went before DS2 started this term) who asked DS2 if DS1 was his brother and then proceeded to mimic DS1's pacing and flapping that he did in the playground at breaktime. I felt sorry for DS2 who was embarrassed but also for DS1 because DS2 was accusing him of being an embarrassing brother without understanding why. Anyway, although DS1 is very insistent he is normal, there is nothing wrong and he isn't different, I think he is interesting in reading the book for himself some time. He might be a bit young yet though.

magso - glad the OT was a postive experience and you had a similar eye opening experience to me reading that book!

Toffeefudgecake - Did your DS manage a whole week at school? I have my fingers crossed for him. Mind you, if you have weather like us today, I think I would be trying to wangle a day off if I had a good excuse. It is horrible here.

Ellenjane - Can you be a mixture of hyper and hypo senstive with perhaps some senses being hypersensitive and others the oppositie? Was just wondering.

DS managed a trip to the shop in the holidays and then did it again on Wednesday, when it was almost dark too. The lure of Top Gear magazine is obviously a great motivator!!

Now got to think of the next challenge.

Oh and to who ever was talking about coping strategies being tiring - we definitely found that to be true with DS. I have to remind myself of that sometimes and cut him some slack. That is part of my concern with DS and his handwriting. It is legible, the school are right about that, but I think the sheer effort of writing is detracting from what he is writing but they aren't getting that. Still, that is one for Review Day next month.

Yes, BigBoobie, he did manage a whole week!

He did, however, muck his record up a bit by arriving five minutes late for registration one day, which goes down as 'absent' on the school record for the morning session. Never mind, he was actually there, so I'm still counting it.

He has come home in good spirits, although someone called him a 'retard' on the way home . Luckily, he thought this was funny .

That's fantastic that your son managed two trips to the shop! Well done to him!

Well done to your DS Toffeefudge. I agree, he was there and that is what counts on his late day (and what is 5 minutes between friends anyway). Plus his arrival must have been recorded somewhere even if only for fire safety purposes so some box somewhere is ticked. Is tired he now though after a full on week? Will you have to have a quiet weekend or is he OK?

Oh and yes definitely at the retard business.

Was it a throw away insult or directed at your DS because of his SEN? Or is your DS like mine and wouldn't have noticed either way?!

Hi Bertha and Toffee. On the sensitivities, definitely can be a mix of hyper and hypo. Sometimes they can switch from one to the other for the same sense within minutes! My DS remains mainly hypo, though. A lot of his stims are to 'feel' movement. Your DS's pacing and flapping sound very familiar.

DS2 sort of knows he's not NT but he really doesn't give it much thought as far as I can work out. He does get teased a bit but he never mentions it, I find out through my spies. I hope it would go over his head if anyone called him the 'r' word. (I can't even type it. )

By the way, he's been set for maths and he's in the top set! Whoo hoo! I had a proud (read boastful) mum thread on SN children.

Ellen - quite right that you're proud of your clever son! That's fantastic that he's been put in the top set for maths - and good for the school for recognising his abilities.

BigBoobie - I'm not sure whether the insult was random or directed at DS because of his looks (he wears glasses and looks very young, skinny and a bit nervy). I'm just relieved that he thought it was funny, rather than taking it personally. I'm probably just being oversensitive because I know that he's different. In answer to your question, he doesn't seem too tired. We are not having a particularly busy weekend, so he will be able to 'chillax' (as he calls it) most of the time.

Actually, I checked his school record for today and it said he was absent this afternoon as well. Wha??? When I asked him, he said he felt ill and had spent a whole lesson sitting in the learning manager's office to calm down. I think that code on his record will probably be changed to 'authorised absence'. I congratulated him on coping so well with feeling ill and staying at school. That is real progress.

Oh, and a little boast: (not as good as yours Ellen ) - he seems to be getting all 5s in his subject assessments and even managed a 6 in drama. He must be putting a lot of effort into his work.

Is Bonfire Night going to be tricky for some of you? I know that DS1 finds the noise very hard to deal with. However, we have bought ear defenders, so that seems to make it all much more bearable and DS does enjoy the spectacle.

It's the hypo thing again, DS2 loves loud noises and bright flashing lights. Lots of jumping up and down, flapping! DS2 heaven, with hotdogs!

5s for his subject assessments is fantastic, BTW! English and maths not quite so surprising, though still really good, but if they are in 'new' subjects (and I include things like RE, history, geography as well as languages etc) that is really fab. Well done Toffeefudgeminicake!

Evening everyone, haven't posted much this week as I'm doing an OU course and I've been frantically trying to catch up after half term. Discovered if I'm feeling out of sorts (get quite anxious a lot, can you hear that thud as another piece falls into place ) that I can really calm myself down by doing my programming module! DS1 was in a flap this week (literally) doing his drama homework (through the medium of contemporary dance Welsh) and he was very stressed so I grabbed his maths book and we did algebra together, perfect he was calm again. Although when I say we did algebra together, he was writing the answer whilst I was still reading the question. Big school might bring out some crap bits but he's also found lots to love in the different subjects.

Haven't time to read everything properly tonight, we've been at a lovely bonfire, but I thought I'd say hello and reply properly tomorrow. Although at the child who called the fabulous toffee junior a 'retard', crap like that always makes me wonder what sort of home environment those children have. There was a brilliant poster linked to on FB last week that said something like 'I'd rather have a child with SN than be the parent of a child who bullies someone with SN' I thought that was brilliant and so true.

Hi all!
Toffee your son did very well to stay at school, and manage feeling unwell. Elen your son is doing brilliantly. Big Bertha thanks for that book, I too recognised myself in a mild form but I had the epiphanic moment years ago when first researching ds differences. Lost it must be quite interesting!
Ellen ds loves fireworks too, and gets very excited- not always a good thing as high anxiety often is not far away. He also loves roller coasters and fun fairs which can be a problem as I loath them!
The change in the clocks is always a bit of a problem for ds. We do our best to move him along in the weeks before but it is still a problem. Any way this last week has not gone smoothly. I usually sense when a wobbly is imminent and on tuesday morning he refused to get in the bus to go to school because he wanted to take some Halloween loot with him(lolly). In the end I conjured up an orange and averted the full on wobbly which I feared. The taxi driver commented loudly on ds always getting his own way which made me feel a total failue.normally I would be more authoritative but I saw the signs and went for sympathetic aversion - If he feared getting hungry give him food. Friday I got a call from school to say ds had got out of control and had been restrained. So the wobbly eventually happened at school. I really feel that his school are not very autism aware. It seems he left his pencil case behind in his previous class (amasing he noticed) and by the time he had retrieved it and got to English he was 5 mins late. The teacher told him he had detention. Instead of taking it on the chin he got upset and dropped his belongings ( I guess he felt it unfair when he had remembered to get his pencils and was. Trying to show the pencils) which looked very defiant and rude. He was restrained and went ballistic . I know not to touch him once he turns white and starts to shake, ( it will trigger a full scale fear response) so this teacher knows that now. Ds seems to have recovered. He has had a lot of hassle in this particular class. He is most probably profoundly dislexic and struggles with language so I can imagine he was already anxious. He had already got into a lot of trouble for not producing his English wallet he just cannot understand that his English zip folder is called a wallet (wallets hold money). Having spoken to the teacher who sounded exasperated and knowing how hard it is to understand my one child never mind a whole class all with differing needs, I think we may have a big uphill climb. Ds junior school was so ASD aware and would have handled things so differently. I was never rung up to say he had been restrained well done to all your children who

Apologies for long post and loads of typos! I had already lost 2 attempts and after retrieving what I thought was the most recent attempt seem to have posted an earlier raw attempt! Not used to my iPad yet!

Magso - I'm so sorry your son had such a rough day. The school certainly sound as if they could make improvements in managing him and I hope they learn from this. It sounds as if you are incredibly tuned into your son's moods and were doing a brilliant job at managing him. Ignore the stupid bus driver who felt he had a right to comment. I have done exactly the same thing myself when managing my son's imminent meltdowns and to those who know nothing about it, it does look as if you are 'giving in', but they should just butt out, frankly. I remember once deflecting a major meltdown by helping DS sort something on the computer, which made him late for a Sunday lunch that DH had cooked. DH was cross that we were late and our meals weren't hot anymore, but I made the point that DS wouldn't have eaten anything at all if he'd had a meltdown. I just knew that I'd done the right thing and I felt so chuffed that I'd learnt enough over the years to be able to handle the situation so well. Unfortunately, it's not a skill for which you receive any public recognition.

Also, I was never able to touch DS when he had a meltdown. I always had to wait until he was calm again and then he would like a cuddle.

Ellen - thank you for your on DS's behalf. I love the name Toffeefudgeminicake! DS is 'mini'! He tries to act all grown up, but still looks so little. I agree with the comment re prefering to have a SN child rather than a child who bullies a SN child. One of the things I love about my son is how empathic and kind he is to children with SN.

We went to watch a bonfire display last night, but had to leave early because the bangers were so noisy. Actually, they were distressing to the adults as well as the children. I do hate them - I just don't see the point of them.

DS has another appointment with his CBT therapist tomorrow. I'm not sure how successful he has been at trying to open doors without performing his normal rituals, but I suppose it's early days. The therapist is lovely and I get the feeling she will praise him for his effort, no matter how little progress he's made.

Thank you Toffee.
I hope your sons CBT appointment is helpful. He did well to stay for quite a lot of the fireworks - I do not understand bangers either. We had a busy weekend ( ds birthday) and so I did not have time to sit and think (!) or discuss with dh. I think I will write to the house teacher and suggest a document with helpful information on supporting ds when upset. Of course I have discussed with ds what he should have done ( like apologise for lateness) but even that is fraught with danger since ds seems incapable of modulating his tone of voice appropriately which could look defiant rather than apologetic.

That sounds like a good plan, Magso. Hopefully, the teachers will also learn how to handle your son as they get to know him better (they certainly now know not to touch him when he's angry!). I hope the school are receptive to your letter.

The CBT appointment went really well. The therapist is absolutely lovely. DS admitted that he had found it too difficult to do his homework (resisting one of his rituals), so she spent the session getting him to draw things that helped him forget his OCD. It was a really productive session and DS seemed in very good spirits afterwards.

Hello everyone, sorry not been around much but DS1 and I have had some horrible type of fluey thing, uck. Although we did have two lovely days when the other boys were in school and we lounged around on the sofa's watching Chuck (geek turned super spy comedy) on DVD and making each other cups of tea, a great new skill I've taught him

Sorry DS ended up going into meltdown Magso, it must be so hard for him, he remembered his pencil case which is brilliant but then being late, it so hard for them isn't it. It's the one thing that sends DS1 off into full head banging mode. I think the teacher will have learnt a valuble lesson though!

The CBT sounds really good toffee, I hope she does praise his effort it's so much more important than praising results. I had some CBT about 10 years ago and it still helps when I feel anxious about things.

Lost - hope you and DS1 are both over the fluey thing by now. Cuddling up on the sofa watching DVDs sounds like a great way to get through it. Is your DS back at school now? How's he doing?

It's good to know that the CBT was so effective with you. DS1 had it when he was nine and it worked well, but the therapist was quite tough and I found it hard-going. This time, the therapist is a lot more sympathetic, which is easier for me as well as DS. She is brilliant at praising his effort and continually acknowledges how hard it is for him to challenge his OCD habits.

DS has had a bit of a wobbly week. He set off for school on Wednesday, but phoned me 10 minutes later to say that he had an upset stomach and was coming home. He spent the day at home, complaining of stomach cramps. I received a letter from the head the same day, pointing out that DS's attendance was only 66% and that they would intervene if it didn't improve, but this turned out to be an automatically generated letter and I was told not to bother about it.

DS managed to get into school the next day, but said he felt sick and had a headache all day. On Friday, he was in tears before leaving, saying he felt too sick to go. Then he told me that his two best friends were making other friends, which was worrying him because he thought they would forget him. I suggested that the more he was off, the more likely it would be that they would make new friends - DS was out of the door in a flash and lasted the whole day!

I think the sickness feeling, which he's complained about in the past, is triggered by anxiety. I do feel sorry for him having to put up with it, but if he starts taking time off for that he'll never be at school.

Magso, Bigboobie and Ellen - how are your boys doing at school now?

Hello! Just got DS1's IEP through the post and the last point was 'To be happy at school' I thought it was wonderful, what is renowned in our area for being a high achieving 'all about the grades' school, has actually got it so right about what really matters.

Not sure that there is a single piece of good grammar in the above paragraph but I'm posting and running today, hope everyone is doing well

That's really encouraging, Lost. I hope they continue to keep that in mind.

DS has had a forgetful week. So far, he has lost his PE kit and his dance kit as well as various pieces of homework, one of which was actually in his bookbag, had he only looked . I have emailed his tutor for help in finding the lost things and the tutor has been lovely about it. I despair though. How DS will ever manage to run his own life, I just don't know.

Oof, the trauma of a home clothes day, we had 30 minutes of tears last night until we got to the bottom of it, he was scared he'd lost a letter about it and he would get it wrong. Quick phone call to classmates mum and sorted but he was still teary eyed when he was asleep. This morning was flap and panic central so he nearly missed the bus which made him 100 times worse. Wish I could go in with him today.

He'll get there Toffee, eventually . Thank goodness the tutor is understanding. If it helps people think I'm one of the most organised mums around because I've learnt that I have to overcompensate by being mega organised just to stay on top, I have lists/charts/mobile phone alerts anything I can use.

my dd is in yr5 roughly working at p7-p8. does anyone know what level sat wise is a gcse grade g. the secondary school that the la have said is suitable does not over any maths, english and probably science unless they can get a g. have looked at a special school that offers entry level ocrs in lots of subjects, so at least dd could end up with something.

Lost - DS found his PE kit eventually - in the maths classroom . His tutor emailed me to tell him 'well done' for finding it!

Sorry you had a difficult day with DS being so worried and upset yesterday. I hope he comes back feeling proud of himself that he coped - he should be.

I am another one who has to have lists etc to stay on top of everything, btw. Have a busy few days coming up (culminating in DS2's birthday party) and have a 'to do' list for every single day so I don't forget anything!

Iwanttoscream - sorry, I know nothing about levels p7 - 8, but I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will come along. Maybe try posting a separate thread on it?

Iwanttoscream, I think you might get an answer on the secondary education board. More teachers seem to hang out there.

Toffee, glad the games kit turned up! DS2 has lost his twice so far, luckily not for long, but he's on his 3rd water bottle (that I hide Robinson's pear and apple squash in, it looks like water, shhh )

DS2 had his 'mentoring' evening as they call it at his school. All seems fine, but I would like a quick review with the SEN dept just to put a bit of flesh on the bones of his levels report. I think I'll have to chase it up, they don't seem to be offering!