Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

This sounds like hell. I don't think I will be able to last with this reality until he is 9 months old as I can't even see how I'm going to manage for the next week. And @Willowywisp 9 months awake all night every single night... again, as a single mother who works, I could not live. Did social services or mental health services get involved?

As I said before, I am very grateful for the answers received but some peoples' stories are making me feel so much worse. Nine months with no sleep, years and years of reflux- Im already on my knees, narrowly avoiding hospitalisation for my mental health and he's only 6 weeks old.
I'm going to take a step back from this thread because I don't want things to get any worse. Thank you.

@Jennifer48 if you feel you need to continue to talk to someone on here then feel free to message me. I don't know how to do it 🙈 otherwise I would send you a message.

If you click on the 3 dots on the original poster, there is an option to pm them.

OP, do you have access to any money in savings/credit cards/borrowing from family? If yes, how about hiring a night nurse.

@Thatsalineallright That is something that might help but

1. My mother is not keen on someone coming into her house to help at night- I asked her about it twice.
2. There is only one night nanny I can find in all of Northern Ireland (the baby Guru NI)., and she's based 90 miles away from where I live so it might not suit her.

You getting sleep is surely the top priority at the moment. If your mum doesn't agree, then maybe it's best for you to move back to your place.

Your mum sounds well-meaning but you're clearly not getting the support necessary at the moment. A night nurse (provided she is willing to travel to yours) could be a game changer.

Also just to say don't rule out looking in England/Scotland/Wales. From what I understand, there are agencies that place night nurses all over the country and even internationally.

It all boils down to money though.

@Jennifer48 I totally understand why you want to step away, it's a traumatic period even at the best of times. Do what you need to stay afloat.

I hope you do still keep talking to some people from this thread though, there have been some really knowledgeable BF people here as well as those mum's just a few weeks ahead of you which can be of great support. Take up the offers to connect individually if you can.

And keep up with real life support too, keep going to that BF group when you can, keep talking to your health team, for you and your baby. I will be thinking of you and sending strength and love over the Irish sea! It will get better and you can do this. X

I've been thinking of you OP. I really would take the 9 month comment with a pinch of salt. They maybe had poor sleep for 9 months but it would not be physically or mentally possible to go that long with very little sleep.

Most babies have decent sleep by then even those with reflux. Have you had any more success with the doctors in speaking about reflux.

If you Google Magic sleep fairy (Alison Scott Wright). She's a sleep specialist who specialises in reflux/cmpa. At a very low point with my 2nd, I contacted her and managed to get a call with her the following day and it really helped having some advice and speaking things over. Her advice was invaluable and even advising me what to speak to the doctor about. You've nothing to lose by contacting her.

I said before - that I can ask on my mn group if anyone is about - message me your nearest town localtion
and I can have an ask about

I would 100% go the doctor to see if they can help. I had babies just like yours. My first even got hospitalised the reflux was so bad. (Worst doctor had ever seen apparently). No one really understands what it is like having babies sleep for an hour or 2 then wake up day and night for months/years. I used to dread the nighttime

for us it was the propping up on an angle, only feeding sitting up (no breatfeeding allowed so had to use formula and pumping for months), goats milk formula and then prescription formula. And ultimately time.

first baby slept though at 2 years old, second was about 7 years old when they finally slept though without waking. It was very difficult so my heart goes out to you. I was up and down like a yo-yo for those years. It does get better though. I have awful memories of that fist year of parenthood. Was not enjoyable like other people had it for either child.

OP how are you getting on? Sending you all the strength 💪

Sorry OP- I didn’t mean that as a scare story- I have been sleeping well since 4 months, which was when we sorted the reflux!! The constipation has been ongoing but that causes a night wake probably once a week now they are 9 months. And no services were needed- it wasn’t hell. It was hard work but I got through it. The intention of my post was to share that looking beyond into medical causes seems warranted now rather than anything else.

Thank you @Lillizz for clarifying, and thank you everyone for sending me recommendations and good vibes.
I feel your good energy in these strange, topsy-turvy days.
I'm happy to let this thread die for now. Xx

OP surely for one night your mother can make an exception? Or you could go back to your own place?

Also did you join babyhub ni as I mentioned earlier. There are definitely more night nannies

Thanks, I have joined babyhub ni. I haven't come across any experienced night nurses in the Strabane area, where I am. My own place is a one-bedroomed rental in Paris. I was set to give birth there and had doulas and student midwives lined up to help me in the days and weeks following the birth, but I had a bad fall in the street on the last day of November, had the fright of my life thst I would fall again and terrified of being alone, I came to my native Northern Ireland so as not to be alone. The upside is having my mother and sister nearby although there aren't the services or amenities that one finds in a big city

My eldest daughter had silent reflux and it sounds like this. The first few weeks were like the worst horror film I’ve ever seen.

What I thought was hunger was actually mainly pain.

I said I was going yo let you'd thread die because some answers were stressing me out but it's one of my main sources of support so if it's not too annoying, I'm coming back to it.

@atamlin My baby's weight gain is OK and he is no happier lying down than upright, which is why I am not at all sure it is silent reflux. How did you know for sure for your baby? Did it pass on its own?

We needed ranatidine prescribed for reflux. But it was very obvious reflux as a whole feed would just 'shoot' back up again.... Wouldn't hurt to give it a go OP. Took a week or 2 to start to see a difference x

Hang in there you're still doing amazing xx

Eventually it did but her doctor put her on omeprazole and it helped MASSIVELY. She was suddenly happy and not in pain and also overnight I went from sleeping 5 minutes a night spread out, at the edge of life to sleeping 3-4 hours at a time, cosleeping as none of my children ever slept apart from me.

I knew something was wrong because other new mothers were trying to go to as many groups as they could and I was considering suicide, that’s not even a joke so I know how hard your life is right now.

You saying he is crying and arching his back - that was typical for my daughter. It could be any number of things though so I’d take your baby to doctor.

OP have you still not cut out dairy? It’s such an easy thing to do and you may find in a couple of days you have a different baby…

Op I feel for you,I remember looking for hope in old threads about terrible sleep and feeling SO depressed by people saying it doesn't get better/is still awful at X years old/teenagers wake them up.

For some hope- my first was terrible at sleeping until I gentle sleep trained at 6 months, but even before that we got from hourly to two hourly stretches naturally and even that makes a difference. You won't feel like this for ever, it will get better and you will sleep. My 3.5 year old now sleeps 12 hours or so barring illness. Sleep training (when baby is older!) is an option and I think especially as a single parent, a very valid option. You are doing this on hard mode!

I felt like I'd ruined my life, but it got better enough that I've now had a second baby. And this time I know it will improve.

I said I was going to let this thread die because some answers were stressing me out but it's one of my main sources of support so if it's not too annoying, I'm coming back to it. Last night was so rough. I was worried baby was choking so I ran over to my mum who was sitting on an armchair in the same room and she literally got up and ran. Tbh, I'd have had the same instinct. She was so scared, also, but she's annoyed at not me for not knowing what to do. And she already does so much- cooling, cleaning, help look after him- but there is nobody else nearby I can ask for help.
She half-slept on the sofa fir a couple of hours until he woke up crushing upon which zi came downstairs and fed him. Then I went back upstairs until I heard him bawling again at ten to six. My mother had gone upstairs to her bed. So I did get some sleep but nowhere near enough.

And by the way yes I have cut out dairy.

I'm sorry to be banging the same drum again, but please do have your baby checked by a tongue tie professional. Not a GP, not a midwife, not a health visitor, but by a tongue tie professional who'll do all the hands on checks, not just look in the mouth. The chocking, feeding sooooo often for hours really sounds like he's having to work so so hard for his milk all are signs of tongue tie and poor latch. Forget about the weight gain, mine had fantastic weight gain, but had a 90% tied tongue!

@Jennifer48 well done for getting through another night and cutting out dairy

where did you get to on reflux meds? Id try them if I was you - you have nothing to lose (they have relatively low risk/side effects as far as I know)

I’d also try giving probiotics - Optibac do one you can give from birth

another thing to try - go outside with you baby in the morning early ish eg 7.30- 8 to try and set body clock for both of you. 10 mins on a balcony/garden whatever you can manage preferably at point when baby awake. Build up to morning walk - lap of your road/trip to shops. To try and get both your bodies on day time (your milk will be adjusting to body clock)

also take a ton of supplements yourself (multi vit/probiotics/vit d/iron in the morning. Magnesium in the evening plus camomile tea). Plus drink loads of water/decaf tea. You need everything you’ve got

You sound understandably overwhelmed as anyone would be, but I think you need to stop dismissing or second guessing whether it's reflux or not and actually go to the GP and push for omeprazole. It may or may not work but at least if it doesn't you can rule it out. Nothing about what you say about your baby seems "normal" as your mum suggests.

If I were you, I'd write down a plan to help you feel you've got control of the situation. This could be:

1. Contact GP for reflux medication.

2 . Stick to dairy free/soya free diet

1. Contact tongue tie specialist
2. Ensure you get outside in the morning for 20-30 minutes to help establish day and night, circadian rhythm and vitamin d.