Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

I also disagree. I don’t miss that stage at all. For about 5 years afterwards, I’d feel slightly panicky if I saw a baby. Or like I’d want to cry. Sometimes if I held a baby I’d feel like I was going to have a panic attack.

OP might well not have as extreme reaction as I did, but you can’t just blithely say she’ll miss this stage.

@AmbiguityIsKey me too - I still feel a bit sweaty and shaky if I hear a newborn cry. I think it might be some kind of PTSD 🤣 (I can laugh now 13 years later…)

@Queenoftartts I'm afraid my reaction could not be more acute. I hate saying this and I love my son more than words can say, but the past five weeks have been the most difficult of my life. I have felt suicidal. I really don't think I will ever miss that.

Those people saying that baby didn’t sleep until 2 or 3 please don’t fret over. My baby (now toddler - he’s nearly 2 1/2) doesn’t sleep through the night. Sometimes he has what I would call a bad night. HOWEVER I am telling you this from a place of comfort, because even if they don’t sleep at this age it is NOT like what you’re going through. I have been there on occasion where for nights on end I was getting so little sleep I felt shaky and unable to cope. It does not go on forever. So even having a “poor” sleeper at this age is completely manageable compared to those early months.

Thanks @PurpleH

Echoing what @PurpleH said. It’s not pleasant when your child still sleeps poorly at 2 or 3, but when we say ‘poor’ for a child of that age, it is absolutely nothing like a poor sleeping baby. You get more sleep, and it doesn’t affect your mental health in the way a poor sleeping baby does.

Ive been following this thread OP (I commented fairly early on) and really really feel for you x

My “poor sleeper” toddler was one who wouldn't fall asleep until 9.30pm but did then sleep until 7am with usually one prolonged wake-up during that time.

So yes OP, a poorly sleeping toddler is nothing like the hell that is a newborn who doesn’t sleep - so don’t worry yourself about what lies ahead, it cant be compared.

@Jennifer48 I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's probably not much comfort at this point, but this won't last forever, and like others have said a poorly sleeping toddler is nothing near as hard as a small baby level.
I know Gina Ford is controversial on here but I've used it at least mostly followed it for 3 babies and it has worked quite well. You could get the book and give it a try it gives step by step hourly routines which I like because I don't have time for vagueness just wanted to be told what to do when. I know as well you said you and your mum don't believe in letting baby cry but I don't think it will do any harm for a few minutes give it ten minutes before going in and sometimes they will learn to settle themselves better. I'm sorry and I hope it passes for you soon

It’s a weird feeling, i don’t miss the newborn stage but yearn for more time with DC who is older now. I also felt suicidal at your stage and as I mentioned before having cancer treatment was 100% easier than having a non sleeping newborn. It really was the worst time of my life & felt like it’s never end! Like there was some kind of bizarre agreement amongst parents to to tell new parents what a hellscape it really was, otherwise the human race would die out. Now I know that other people have different experiences of course. It does definitely end though and your baby will sleep on their own without your help, it’s just a question of when. You are doing an incredible job, one day at a time 💕

Mine also didn’t sleep through for years. But like others, this was nowhere near as bad as newborn. Once it got down to only waking four times a night, it felt much more manageable. Then down to twice a night and then we night weaned and that was even better.

My sympathies OP. My baby was very much like yours and I changed to formula feeding in the end so at least someone else could take over. I never had another baby out of choice. And please don't worry about his IQ. My friend's baby was entirely formula fed and he is a hospital consultant, from working class origins.

I had a baby like yours and do NOT miss this stage. I miss when my baby turned into a delightful wee thing at about 6 months. She was much better sleep wise before that - but I think she had silent reflux & weaning must have helped because it was night & day. She was genuinely perfect and a joy. She slept 7pm - 7am, in her own cot & went down awake from 6months old. She started out life very much like your baby - constant screaming, feeding, near on impossible to wind, and a need to be held 24/7. She only slept in around 20minute spells and sometimes those were because she cried herself to sleep. She would also sleep in the car seat which I now assume is because she was more upright. My friends still talk about how horrendous it was & she is nearly 14 now. It was the worst time of my life and I am sure contributed to my PND - I could not understand why my baby would not lie peacefully in her pram like everyone else's. I also felt suicidal & wished I could leave her at the hospital. It really affected our bond because everything was just so hard & I was also on my own with her. But as I say, it didn't last and she did turn into the most content baby & toddler and actually even teen! I've been very lucky. We have a great relationship and are very close so the bond was there, it was just really hard to see it in the midst of the chaos and worry.

OP you must reach out to your GP for support for both you and your baby. I’m so sorry. There are medications that can help both of you.

I saw a psychiatrist last week at the perinatal mental health service - she was very sympathetic (and empathetic). She thought there's no need for medication at the moment. I agree with her, as I don't see how it will either (@) get me more sleep or (b) lessen my baby's crying and unsettled behaviour, which are the source of my despair. I can't sleep when I can hear him bawling downstairs with my mother trying her level best to settle him. Admittedly, I didn't use the word "suicidial" when talking to the psychiatrist. If I were to be hospitalised, which would resolve nothing. I would be separated from my baby and I couldn't bear that. (Northern Ireland is the only part of the U.K. which doesn't have a mother and baby unit where the baby can stay with the mother if she is unwell)

I'm to have a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist in three to four weeks' time.

I am extremely grateful for anyone who has taken the time to comment, whether the suggestion helped me or not, every comment made sincerely was very grateful received. Especially @Ileithyia @PregnantPumpkin @MyStickIsBetterThanBacon @Pomegranatemum and others who have followed the thread, reading your empathetic and intelligent comments in the dead of night when I felt so lonely and just wanted to soothe my baby means more to this distressed mum than you will ever know.

No they won’t help you get more sleep or stop the baby crying but they will help you feel able to deal with it better. Talking from experience. Twice.

Medication will help you cope with the emotions that this crying and lack of sleep is causing. It really will. I’d ask for a second opinion from a GP. And do tell them you’ve felt suicidal at points. That will NOT get you hospitalised, the threshold is higher than that, if you tell them you’re not currently suicidal but it sometimes causes those feelings then you’ll be given antidepressants.

I know it's hard for you, OP, but please try to take baby out for a walk. The weather is improving and it will do you both the world of good. Being outside does seem to help babies to sleep and getting out and about will improve your mental health.
I know I said this before, but sitting in your home isn't good for you. I realize it's a huge effort to get showered , dressed and baby ready but it's the first step that's hardest. After that you can get into a routine of going out. Please, give it a try.

Sertraline is extremely safe for breastfeeding mothers.

I'm so glad this thread is helping you and that you've found a nice in person group to attend too. Do seek support in person when you need it, you're feeling some strong emotions and deserve to be cared for.

The newborn weeks are brutal, but as others have said sleep disturbances later with older babies and toddlers are far easier to manage. For a start co sleeping is much less daunting when they are bigger. Just take one day at a time, don't look too far ahead, the first year of babyhood brings new progress each month. That phrase don't borrow tomorrows worry is helpful!

I hope he's managed a poo by now. I guess that's the thing with meds, they risk side effects and it's up to you to see if the benefit outweighs them.

Are you having any longer sleep periods, day or night? I think you'd had a longer morning stint, like 6-11am one day. I do hope so.

Yea, so try to go for a walk now it’s a bit sunny. Will he go in a sling or buggy? Despite how I felt, I was reluctant to take meds too. Because I knew that as soon as I was getting more sleep I’d feel better. Which I did. But if you feel they’d help, then go for it.

You are an amazing mum, doing all this for your baby, despite how bad it’s making you feel.

You're doing amazingly, OP. Sleep deprivation is actual torture, but you will get through this. Sending you lots of good wishes and positive vibes!

You must be tired of suggestions by this stage, sorry, but have you tried a sling/baby wrap? My baby slept longer when in one than at any other time. Your mum could wear your baby and you get some sleep.

Wrap slings are surprisingly easy to put on. If you're interested, I could send you some links.

Your mum is worried about giving baby the bottle "incorrectly"? How is that even possible to do? Your mum is 70 so not old. Surely she managed to feed you safely? Get the baby at least partially onto a bottle and if your mum needs lessons, model giving the baby a bottle a few times so she can learn 🤷

Working out how to feed lying down was a game-changer for me, OP - if you can both learn how to do it, baby can feed and then fall asleep without you having to change his position at all, which is the key. My first baby was similar to yours in that she could not be put down at all, and I found it very very difficult at times. I would really try to persist with practicing feeding him in that position, I think it will be worth the effort.

Sleep depravation is torture. Could you formula feed for a full night and ask your sister to stay up with him? One good nights sleep can do wonders.

I had a baby with Cows Milk Protein Allergy who was not diagnosed for over 16 weeks. One day, she cried for 16 hours straight which was nothing short of horrendous. Looking back now, it was all pain as, once we settled the allergy, she was a different baby. It was like someone flicked a switch. It might be worth eliminating dairy as a trial- although much easier with formula than BF.

If none of the other suggestions in the thread work, it might also be worth asking the doctors to prescribe some omeprazole. If your child has any reflux/acid/gerd this should make a difference in 3-7 days. If no change, you can always stop the medication again. I was so reluctant to give it to our baby girl, (the side effect list is frightening), but it made a massive difference and we only ended up needing it for six/eight weeks. We also found a cranial osteopath helpful- it’s very gentle and none of the manipulation or ‘cracking’ you refer to.

If you think it’s colic, then colic calm is also an option to try. It contains charcoal which helps absorb excess gas and ease the tummy.

Sending you strength!

I've just ordered two slings from a sling library via the post (no physical sling libraries in the north-eest of Ireland!) so I'll soon find out if he will go in a carrier! I ordered an Ergobaby Embrace, which several mums in a WhatsApp parents group recommended, whereas my sister preferred the Bjorn Baby one carrier, so I've ordered both for hire to see how we get on.