3 girls sharing a room, middle child is a nightmare

[Mumto3girls2016]

Hey first time poster, I have 3 girls who share a room as we live in a 2 bedroom house. Triple bunk bed ages 5,8 and 9 and a half. 8 year old a nightmare at bedtimes kicks bangs refuses to sleep keeping 5 year old and 9 year old awake. Then when told off says I don’t love her and don’t care about her. At my wits end and have to just walk away before losing it … any suggestions for a smoother bedtime routine for 8 yr old, … 5 year old & 9 year old has no issues going to sleep and is good as gold,x

@cannynotsay Could you rein it in ? That is an unjustified remark.

Thank you for your advice. It’s the nicest comment I have read. Yes 100% she has no fears about being in the middle bunk etc and it is a case of being naughty although I hate to use that word. She doesent have autism nor adhd just has a moment at bedtimes 3/4 times a week so not a major issue as now she’s sound sleeping. If it was a sensory issue etc I would address that but it is a case of just playing up at bedtimes but I am going to look in to audio books or reading when she can’t fall asleep xx thank you

I hope so. The writer should be thoroughly ashamed.

op what is the consequence for her playing up at bedtime? its happening over half a week and not sure if the 8/9 was going to bed or going to sleep time?

could you read them a story to see if that helps settle and relax her?

op what is the consequence for her playing up at bedtime? its happening over half a week and not sure if the 8/9 was going to bed or going to sleep time?

could you read them a story to see if that helps settle and relax her?

never has anyone of them complained about sharing or being in a triple bunk or feeling claustrophobic.

Children often don't complain, either because

1. they lack the vocabulary,
2. they don't realise that the discomfort they feel isn't normal, or
3. they expect that the adults will disregard the complaint.

What point is there of a child complaining "I don't like my triple bunk" when she can see that the house has two bedrooms? She's probably expecting that Mum's response will be "what am I supposed to do about it?"

Real-world examples of 1, 2, and 3:
1,3. I didn't disclose being sexually-assaulted because I didn't know the word "vulva" to describe where I'd been touched and experience told me that the teachers wouldn't care. I was eight, so is your DD2. Do you think she knows the word "claustrophobia" to describe the feeling of being inside a too-small space?
2) My sister didn't disclose the fact that words move on the page for her until her teens, because she had no way of knowing that this isn't what reading is like for everyone. If she'd said sooner, my parents would have moved the earth to get her the dyslexia support she needed.

Remember that you are dealing with an eight-year-old who has no way of knowing how other people experience things.

Just wondering if your parents have any ideas?

This will sound unnecessarily critical - it’s not meant to be - but you are asking a bunch of random people on the internet for ideas when in reality we don’t know your children, hence wondering whether the other adults in the house have given you any advice/ideas?

what do they think might help?

I would move the 8 year old into my bed for a few weeks and see if that helps her go to sleep.

What are your longer term plans? You surely don’t expect them to still be sharing a triple bunk bed when they’re teenagers?

You need to look into a Murphy bed downstairs for yourself, with two daughters sharing the larger bedroom and one having their own - probably the 8 year old for now to stop her disturbing her siblings, but this could rotate as circumstances change.

Have you tried bringing the middle child into your bed?

I'm not sure you can conclude she is just being naughty because it doesn't happen every night. Some nights I fall straight asleep, even if I'm not that comfortable. Other nights I don't. Fortunately if I want to fidget or get up, I can. But I would find going straight to sleep with one person above me and one below very difficult in these circumstances.

The bed looks nice. I used to have my own room and was terrified of ghosts and burglars. It's probably more natural for humans to share a room with others.

That bunk bed looks great, and saves floor space. Sharing a room was never considered a problem until recently, it used to be normal. If your daughter won't settle straight away, the audio book idea is good, or having a light in her bunk so she can read quietly for a while. I would set her a time when her light must go out and check that she sticks to it.

My 3 use to share. I always wanted a triple bunk bed for them. Is the 8 year old perhaps getting over tired? Maybe an earlier bedtime of 7-8pm?
Would it also be possible to stagger bedtimes - this is what we did. The older ones knew not to wake the youngest. Would the 8 year old be any better if her younger sister was already asleep? Maybe a torch or lamp for the middle one so that she could read a book rather than bang about?

Slightly earlier bedtime and letting them chat in bed might be a nice wind down. I would just get them on board and try different things from this thread. Also might avoid doing one to one chats with them in front of the others last thing. They sometimes compare and brood and have a bit too much to process.

She’s had them now. What do you want her to do? Sell them? 😮‍💨

Obviously your experience is your experience, but it’s not applicable to all. I shared with 2 sisters & loved it; ended up just 2 of us sharing by the time I moved out in my 20’s. We are all still really close now over a decade later so whilst your own experience was negative, it’s not very kind or necessary to project that onto the op.

Three kids in a room is perfectly normal. Don’t let people tell you it is not.

My daughter has BOTH autism and ADHD. (And, probably, delayed phase sleep disorder). Her ADHD wasn’t diagnosed until age 11. Her autism until 14. And her main, biggest, most difficult symptom was being a MAJOR pain at bedtime. She was ‘fine’ at school and other settings. She had her challenges at home, but bedtime was hell. Every. Single. Night. From the day she was born. It wasn’t naughtiness. She just couldn’t be still.

Of course she was not ‘fine’ at school. She was working her arse off holding herself together and masking. It’s just that bedtime was when she couldn’t keep it together anymore. Man it was rough as a lone mum. I feel for you, and I would not be so quick to dismiss ADHD in particular. Melatonin was key for us, as well as changing my expectations and accommodations at school. If she’s kicking and banging, and yoi are confident her needs are met during the day, you could try weighted blankets, burrito blankets or other compression for sensory input. What does she say is the matter? (She probably doesn’t know, but she might have good suggestions)

I would also recommend staggering bedtimes. And also, lie in the middle bunk and then get two other people to rock the top and bottom bunk and get an accurate feeling of if she is getting moved around by her siblings when she's trying to sleep. The bunk might just need some strengthening to make the middle one feel more secure. I'd also bring curtains into the bunks to give them all privacy and ability to control how dark the room is.

I'd also add wall lamps on each level so if they want to read when the others are going to sleep, they can.

Yoti player with headphones maybe

I would also make sure it's possible for her to sit up against something - headboard or beanbag if necessary, unless the bed goes right up to the wall? Them with a lamp, she can relax and unwind for a while. Lights out immediately because your two sisters will sleep may not work if you need a longer time to settle. I think they are already at the age where it's unusual to be treated as a threesome.

Have you thought about letting her stay up later than the others and putting her to bed when they are asleep. Or letting her go to sleep in your room and carrying her into her own room when she is asleep.
Something I wish I had done when mine were little is sit with them until they are asleep. Maybe read to them first and then stay and read your own book until they drop off.
Just ideas. I have no real proof that any of these tricks would work. Good luck.

I think the audio book idea is worth a go. See how that works.

Otherwise I would say she gets the bottom bunk, starts the night in your room and you transfer her when you go to bed.