3 girls sharing a room, middle child is a nightmare

[Mumto3girls2016]

Hey first time poster, I have 3 girls who share a room as we live in a 2 bedroom house. Triple bunk bed ages 5,8 and 9 and a half. 8 year old a nightmare at bedtimes kicks bangs refuses to sleep keeping 5 year old and 9 year old awake. Then when told off says I don’t love her and don’t care about her. At my wits end and have to just walk away before losing it … any suggestions for a smoother bedtime routine for 8 yr old, … 5 year old & 9 year old has no issues going to sleep and is good as gold,x

Get a compression sheet (stretchy matress) for her bed absolute game changer for sleep I have 3girls and a tricky non sleeping middle. Also get them all on magnesium for sleep get her a kindle she can read in the dark or tiny night light. Get each of them or just her sleep headphones or a pillow speaker (downside is needs a device to connect to - we use any ancient phone) to play headspace stories or Spotify audible. Sleep is crucial for all of them.

This whole argument of the fact that people shared with other siblings and that they share in other countries is ridiculous…just because that’s what use to happen doesn’t mean it’s right. I moved BEFORE I had my second child so they could each have space. If I hadn’t have been able to afford it I wouldn’t have had that second child. I think it’s very unfair, especially in the teenage years! Everyone deserves their own space.

This is so right.

Your middle child is close in age to your eldest. They probably were fine as a twosome. Then you had a third child, and the middle one feels overlooked. You may not actually feel this, but she does.

She needs some one on one time, and not to be treated as the naughty one.

What do you mean "used to happen"? Because I was sharing with two sisters only 5 years ago and it was still fine.

Honestly? You shouldn't have had 3 children unless or until you had a stable home to raise them in.

Once you have said stable home/life you put in place insurances/ savings etc to decrease the chance of being homeless.

Introduce a new bedtime routine that is more fun, where they each have a role to play (that can be swapped each week)

(Also I advise you save to get on the housing ladder, or put your name down for council housing, if you haven't already). Your parents intend to pass their house to you, but if they go into care, this may not be possible. You could end up aged 50 ish at square 1 on the housing ladder.

What a shitty reply. Most people aren't in temporary accommodation for the lolz - it's down to sudden homelessness, job loss, death of a spouse - the sort of UNPREDICTABLE (there you go, louder for those at the back) circumstance that can happen to all but the wealthiest.

Jesus fucking Christ.
CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGE
And not everyone can afford insurance and savings because CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGE.

In a perfect world yes but you know shit happens...

It may have been fine for you but that doesn’t mean it’s fine for everyone else…

Of course, but there's no need to put blanket statements out about it being unfair. Or cruel, as another poster said.

My middle DD has diagnosed ASD and likely undiagnosed ADHD. Some of the best things we've found to help her sleep are listening to an audiobook. They have an alexa in their bedroom which is linked to my audible account. She really likes it if I find the book they are reading in class and play that as she struggles to follow along in class so it helps her keep up and if she has followed the story then its familiar to her. She has a blackout blind and a weighted blanket and toy. We often need to redirect her from banging or generally annoying siblings so she can sleep with a fidget toy that is quiet. We have also recently tried a thing that she holds in her hand that my mum saw on tiktok I think it vibrates she quite likes that too I want to say its called calm carry. She also likes the smell of lavender so we have some of those bedtime sprays that I spray in the room and on her pillow 🤣 a wonder anyone can stay awake with all of that!!

It's not ideal long term OP. They're at school now, you need to be working full time to improve your circumstances.

In the meantime, get her out of the middle bunk. Even if she's not claustrophobic I imagine it's quite a lot of stimulation. We've got 3 boys in one room (their choice) in a bunk and a single in an L shape, works well. Try a weighted blanket and audio book with headsets.

Staggered bed times
A child in a different room (your room or the living room)- you and OH move to bedroom if Living room.

Longer term, 3 in a 3x3 room- and I'm guessing a 3x3 (or maybe 3x4) living room will not be big enough for 5 of you in say 4-5 years time. Even if you were to do some sort of temporary room in the atic.

And I don't think it's about rewarding bad behaviour at bed time to give middle child a different sleeping area- different kids are different and sound like her sleep rhythm is different.

Have you actually spoken to her about it? Not in the moment but during the day when she is fine and behaving?

I think you really need to drill down to finding out what is going on and why she feels the need to kick off. I suspect she has a good reason in her own mind for it. I don’t think telling her off is a good long term tactic if you want her to have good mental health as an adult.

Fairly certain that the middle child is the one that is invariably ignored within a family from a psychological perspective. They’re not the precious first born or the baby.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread OP,but are you a single parent? If so could you put 2 single beds in your room and have one dd in your room? If you have a dp/dh then it’s a bit tricky, though you could sleep in the living room (sofa bed?) to free up some space.

Too people saying OP needs to move to a bigger house and shouldn’t have had more children…..that’s not really helpful with the situation OP is in now. We don’t know her story and how she became to be living in a house that’s too small for her family.

I'd look at the ikea hack Facebook page. It has lots of ideas how to create separate spaces
I'd look at splitting/dividing both the rooms in to 2, then you each get your own space. So 2 of your daughters in one room, and you and the other daughter in the other room.

Those rooms aren't big enough to divide.

To add OP may not be waiting to inherit, it’s perfectly feasible that her parents brought the house and she is covering the mortgage payments so that once the mortgage is paid off the house would be signed over to her.
We know someone who did this, she couldn’t get a large deposit together after her ‘DH’ left her for someone else and their joint house had to be sold when they hadn’t been there for very long.
Her parents brought the house using some of their money and hers as a deposit and then the mortgage was in their names as their incomes were used. Our friend paid ‘rent’ on the house which was the same amount as the mortgage plus a small proportion over that amount to chip away at the money they had loaned for the deposit.
It meant that in an area where a 2 bedroom house costs £1500 + to rent a month, she was paying around £800. Her parents weren’t making money off of her like private landlords do from renting their houses and she would eventually have her own house, she would have been horrified if people assumed she was waiting around for a fairly youngish fit/active parents to die!

Why are you giving them biscuits before bed? That would wake a lot of people up considering it’s sugar.

It doesn't mean its wrong either
Good for being the perfect parent
Back in the real world there are loads of families living in less than ideal circumstances, people have to make do.

I used to be like your middle dd.
I hated being in a bunk bed no matter what bunk I was on. Once mum got me a single bed my sleeping improved.

I don’t think you can expect them all to be in synch re bedtimes. One of my children has always been the straight down type and the other one is often up quite late reading or writing- she’s never needed quite as much sleep and has never been able to immediately conk out. You can probably manage at this point but I suspect when you have a 8, 11 and 12 year old it’ll start to get even harder as hormones and pre teenage years kick in.

I think some of the posts you’ve had were harsh but picked up on the ‘I’ll get the house one day’ point. Unless your parents are terminal, that doesn’t really feel like a sustainable solution for the longer-term when the girls really will want a bit more space. If you are determined to stay would there be any options around extending or a loft conversion?

Have you tried the general 'sleep hygiene' recommendations? So very strong routine, no screens for several hours before bed, same with heavy meals, turn down/off the lights an hour or so before, listen to wave music etc? Also if your child likes milk maybe give her a glass before bed - milk is a natural source of melatonin.

Though maybe the goal shouldn't be for your middle child to fall asleep fast. After all there are many adults who take ages as well. Maybe the goal should be that she can curl up in bed and calmly read a book while waiting to fall asleep?

Buy if she really struggles then I'm guessing it's the 5 year old most affected because she goes to bed first? In which case, perhaps have the 5 year old child go to sleep in your bed. Then several hours later, once your other children have settled, you could carry her in and put her in the bunk bed.

Can the 8 year old go to bed an hour earlier? So she gets to mess about or whatever while she s on her own?

As for all the 'they need their own rooms' no they don't. Both my parents were the eldest of three, my mum eldest of 3 girls, my dad the eldest of 3 boys.

Both parents lived at home until they got married.