11 year (yes, YEAR!!) old not sleeping in own bed

[Baxterbaxter]

My just-turned 11 year old cannot sleep in his own bed, by himself, through the night.

It started when he was a baby; he had awful asthma / bad croup and would stop breathing, so I would keep him with me in case of an episode. This happened a few times; each time we rushed him to hospital as he just couldn’t breathe.

He eventually grew out of this but he could only go to sleep if we lay down with him. Guaranteed, he would wake during the night and come into my bed.

Skip forward a few years, and this is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He has just gone into year 6 and he refused to go on the residential as he cannot sleep alone.

DH and I are at breaking point, so we have decided he has got to learn to put himself down. We have a 9 year old DD who is a great sleeper - she can put herself to sleep and stays asleep for 12 hours - no issues at all.

Tonight is the second night where we have put DS to sleep; DH laid with him the first night in his own bed, the lamp was on and he has calming music playing. DS was in our room for 3 hours throughout this night, saying he couldn’t sleep. Each time we put him back to bed. Eventually, he went into DD’s bed to sleep. DH and I work full time so we were shattered yesterday, as was DD as DS just moves around constantly (we didn’t realise he went into DD’s room, I found him there in the morning). Tonight is going in the same vein; I lay with him initially and then, bang on midnight, DS is in our room, saying he can’t sleep / can’t close his eyes. He tried to go back into DD’s bed but I got him back out, I must’ve put him back in his own bed at least 15 times over the last 3 hours. My poor DH is driving 6+ hours for work tomo, so I’m trying to let him sleep. He is still up now, walking around, saying he can’t sleep.

What do I do?! I know we have made a rod for our own backs by letting DS come into our bed all these years, even though it was with the best intentions initially as we were concerned about his health.

Do we just ignore him when he gets up, persevere with putting him straight back to sleep? I’m so tired. It’s like having a newborn again.

Can you maybe go with stages, since this is what he's used to? I know the easy answer is he's 11 this shouldn't be an issue, but it is and everyone is tired. How about a mattress on the floor in your room? How old is his sister? Would bunk/ trundle bed fit in there if she didn't mind? He's used to company- there is enough adult women on here who say they can't sleep when their partners are away because they don't like sleeping alone.....we tolerate this/ don't care when an adult says it and see it as ok. A kid does and they are spoilt and manipulative. Or maybe they like company too.

Does he say why he can't sleep at all, or just that he can't?
If not could you get him to try and explain why he can't or what he feels like he needs?

Have you already tried things like audible maybe? Perhaps he may need something to concentrate on to allow his mind to drift back off

I think not going into dd's room should be a red line really. It's not her responsibility to soothe him to sleep. It doesn't sound like she particularly wants/needs him to be there in her room. And he's almost of an age to make it quite inappropriate.

Separately, have you spoken to him in the calm of day about this? Has he talked about why he thinks he feels this way?

For example, is he afraid of getting dangerously ill in the night? If so you can talk through scenarios and how you'd deal with them. What does an emergency look like, when should he shout for you, how you'd respond, what happens next.

Is he afraid of intruders getting into the house? [My dd is 4yo but she sometimes talks about this. We show her we've locked the doors and showed her the CCTV footage. Our neighbours have been burgled so that's why in her case.]

Or some other reason? Find out what, and coach him through it.

I think this really needs to be nipped in the bud, you owe it to your dd. It's not ok for her older brother to impose on her peace and privacy like this.

Hi OP, I was your DS as a child, though I slept alone for many years but on and off would have stints of not being able to sleep alone around 9+ years old. It coincided with bullying at school and I still resent my parents for the way they handled it to be honest. I felt like such a burden but I just could not get to sleep on my own, I needed the security of knowing someone was in the room with me. I wish they had shown more compassion at the time. I agree with PP that a staged approach would work best like a mattress on the floor and lots of reassurance that they’re not a bad kid and it’s ok. I grew out of it quite quickly once I knew if I needed I could go sleep on the mattress in my parents room.

Could having a cat sleeping on his bed help?

We’ve had a nightmare child for sleep though he’s been much better recently but not comparable in age I’m afraid. We got a zip & link king size bed. Split the bed so the adult could sleep away from him on other side of room, initially someone stayed in the room with him for sleep for months as it acted as reassurance I guess so he wasn’t afraid of being in a bed on his own in his room, then after that we slowly retreated and started leaving room in night, we also got him a walkie talkie (basically a baby monitor) & would respond to him if he had any concerns. I mean regressions are easy an 8 day holiday over summer being in a room with us reset things a bit. And we’ve had to deal with alot of returning him to room & crying. Also recently had to get him a red light as started needing a light on. I’m not saying this will help with your child but getting them happy and comfortable in their room at night is a start. Let him pick some things for reassurance, be it nightlights or something else. We’ve had worry boxes, cuddly toys, fidget toys, often play a radio show whilst he lays in his bed on his own without an adult in room each evening - maybe you could try audiobooks. Afraid transition is not easy though & comes with a lot of sleep disturbances exactly as you say like a newborn!

Btw the zip & link is not essential but we figured he will be a very tall child in the future & we can zip them together for his use alone when he outgrows the half he’s on now and we don’t need the other half for emergency sleep issues!

I do think doing it in stages is going to be better. Is there space in his room for a pull out bed where one of you can go sleep? So he's still in his own room but has company. Start in your own bed then go sleep in his once he asks.

Going into DDs room though should be a very firm line.

Yes you need to break the habit of him leaving his room is my advice, probably will take a long time for him to move on about getting up & going into other rooms given how long he’s been doing it for. But you also need to not be sleeping next to him in his room and at least if parent is on a seperate bed then sleep is still possible, but when you leave there will be some difficult transitions & boundaries that need to be managed but them liking there bed & being used to sleeping in it on there own is a good start point.

I would leave it….

once he goes to secondary school all things will change.

Thanks everyone. I’m up for the day now for work (😴), but he didn’t give in until after 3.15am.

He likes to cuddle up to me / DH and stroke our arms / back so I think it’s the comfort thing he struggles with. I spoke to him and asked him why he couldn’t settle himself; he did have a bad nightmare a while ago and I think he’s not over it. I’m not sure if I would go as far as to say it was sleep paralysis (I’ve had this 4-5 times in my life and yes, it is terrifying) but it did spook him. I said it won’t happen again and that he is safe. Nothing could placate him though this morning - he just wanted to come into our bed. All he wants, and I feel awful when I write this, is a cuddle and to be near us.

We do have a dog - he usually sleeps in the kitchen but does have a bed in my room. He did go into DS’s room last night and DS was happier for about 10 minutes, until the dog decided to go for a wander!

I think I’m going to have to speak with his teacher today - second day in a row now where he will go to school tired.

I think we thought if we put him down in his own bed (which we often do), and then encourage him back into his own bed when he wakes, rather than letting him come into our bed straight away, and would be a lot easier.

If this was you - would you persevere with putting him back in his own room when he wakes?

I’m just shattered, as is DH. I just worry that we are holding him back by having made him reliant on having someone next to him at night, so much so that he has now missed out on a fun school residential.

New habits to make.
Get him some soft large toy for his bed, so you don’t have to lie with him
Routine in own room if he wakes.
Banana warm milk before bed.
Some exercise on an evening, every evening, quick run, dog walk together or similar.
All the things you’d have tried with a younger child, but you are doing the right thing, being firm but kind, and returning child to their own bed.

OP we were in a similar position. And it went on for a few more years. I shudder to think about the MN response to this but he was an extreme case. We literally tried everything including a fancy sleep-study with some brain scientists.

He eventually outgrew it and now sleeps away from home, goes camping, went away to a youth conference and those years are now in the rear view mirror. Feel free to DM me if you want to chat more.

First things first, he’s not to go in your daughter’s bed ever again, especially if he needs to stroke to self soothe. It is fine to be firm and unsympathetic about this and cross if he breaks this rule. I’m not accusing him of anything at all but they are both at an age where appropriate boundaries need to be put in place.

Secondly, honestly, I couldn’t get over the disobedience. He’s an 11 year old who has been told not to do something and to stay where he is. He should be doing as he’s told. I think I’m a soft touch but this is verging on ridiculous. If he tells you he can’t sleep, say ok, go and not sleep in your own bed. It is not your responsibility to get an 11 year old to sleep, all this putting down and lying next to him playing music, it needs to stop.

Watching with interest as DD, just turned 11 is like this. She has just started year 6 and will have a residential at the end of the school year. Her issue is that she will only fall and stay asleep if there is someone in the room with her so she should be okay but at home it's a different matter.

She is a light sleeper and ALWAYS knows if you have slipped out of the room. Within 10mins she will follow us out. She has been a bad sleeper since a baby, all the sleep training in the world didn't change things and we even got outside help.

At the moment we have given in and one of us sleeps in the same room as her. It means we all get a decent nights sleep. We are hoping she will grow out of it in her own time.

Buy a large pregnancy body pillow, - or even better if you are handy with a sewing machine a cheap duvet and cover - fold it lengthways to make a big sausage and sew it, he can then wrap it around him like a nest.

Also buy a weighted blanket from kudd.ly, should be noore than 10% of his weight.

DD slept in my bed every night until she was 10 and then one day just decided enough was enough, the two above methods did help once she was in her own bed as they take up the extra space and are warm and cosy

Can you try high rewards? Something major? At the end of the day he can probably control not coming into your room but the pay off has to be worth it

Could you try in stages? For example, aim for him to have one night a week in his bed. Pick a night and crack that one first, before adding another night. It will take ages, but might be more manageable for him.

I’ve had problems with DD until she turned 8, with waking in the night, wanting me to sit with her until she fell asleep, or wanting me to get in with her at 3am when she wakes. These are the things that worked for us -

• a new bed, we got her a double canopy bed with curtains all around it, and she said she felt safer in her room alone
• new cosy cushions, new bedding and a new teddy. Anything to make them excited to stay in their room.
• i used to put on daft voices pretending to be a teddy, asking to be cuddled all night and how I can’t wait to have a cosy night in bed all tucked up together
• lots of reassurance and taking it as her own pace rather than “this is what’s happening now!” we discussed her being able to sleep alone a lot and DD used to say “I think in a few months I’ll be able to sleep alone” so it was all her suggestion rather than being forced on her.
• led lights in her room which can work as a soft glow nightlight
• DD did used to sleep in my bed until around 5 so I got her a bigger bed that I could also sleep in to get her used to staying in her own room.

Admittedly there’s an age difference so I’m not sure if these will work for you, but it’s a process and pretty much one day DD was happy to be left alone to fall asleep and sleep alone all night, we do still have the occasional wake up where I go in for a cuddle and leave again, but they’re now once every two weeks or so rather than every night! Wish you luck, I do think come secondary school your DS would change anyway.

First things first, he’s not to go in your daughter’s bed ever again, especially if he needs to stroke to self soothe.

This. I'm a little shocked by your update, op. He's 11. He should not be going into his sister's bed for a cuddle, she doesn't want or need him there.

If I were you, dd's right to privacy and peace would be a higher priority than ds's sleep quality.

Depending on how close it is, I wonder if you could build uo to his 12th birthday so then he wants to do it as well

Does he have an Alexa or similar? My DS used to listen to audiobooks on Alexa in bed. Night light? Books? He needs to know that if he wakes up he can do something quiet to occupy his mind so he doesn't lie there on his own freaking out but he mustn't get out of bed. You do need to keep doing it. Yes you have left it very late to do it but it has to be done.

My eight year old is asleep on the floor next to my
bed as I write this but I can very much imagine this being us in three years time. Has siblings (older and younger) who sleep through. None were great sleepers as babies.

there is no arguing with him in the middle of the night - I’m assuming he doesn’t wake properly, as I’ve had him sitting on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night screaming at me that he’s not going to sleep, and he has no recollection in the morning.

we are firmly now saying Not in our bed (though sometimes I wake to find him there), which he is why he’s on the floor next to me.

weighted blankets have helped a bit.

Therapy? Not sure what type but I think your ds needs professional input at this point.
He might have deep seated fears of dying in his sleep from the croup/asthma experiences.

Sending sympathy! Mine was about 10 when he stopped regularly coming into our bed at night and 11 when he started regularly going to sleep without one of us sitting outside his door or at the very least upstairs nearby. Which I never would have imagined I’d be doing, but when you’re all tired at the end of the day you do what’s easier to get everyone to sleep.

What changed him coming in our bed at night was we moved house and he was on a different floor and so he couldn’t be bothered! A change in routine really. And he started going to sleep with his door shut and us not nearby because he got Guinea pigs in his room and we have to keep the door shut so the cats don’t go in.

He’s still quite bad at going to sleep (he’s 13 now), he reads for a long time and sometimes he’ll be tearful because he just can’t get to sleep. Whereas his brother has been just ‘goodnight’ and asleep since he was 2 years old.

He’s actually in my bed right now because DH is away and he noted the vacancy… but it’s been sweet having him in bed tonight (he’s still small - probably lack of sleep!) and he doesn’t snore like DH. The fact I actually secretly liked him climbing in for a cuddle is probably part of the problem.

I think he’s old enough to be able to articulate the problem and help you devise the solution.

I always remember though that throughout human history it would be only more recently that children would sleep alone instead of all bundled up together in a cave, or all the kids in one bed. My mum shared a bed with her sister, so never slept alone until she was widowed .

Those with kids who struggle to get to sleep (rather than those who struggle to stay asleep) I recommend trying melatonin. You can buy it online at piping rock. It changed the game for my DS.