11 year (yes, YEAR!!) old not sleeping in own bed

[Baxterbaxter]

My just-turned 11 year old cannot sleep in his own bed, by himself, through the night.

It started when he was a baby; he had awful asthma / bad croup and would stop breathing, so I would keep him with me in case of an episode. This happened a few times; each time we rushed him to hospital as he just couldn’t breathe.

He eventually grew out of this but he could only go to sleep if we lay down with him. Guaranteed, he would wake during the night and come into my bed.

Skip forward a few years, and this is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He has just gone into year 6 and he refused to go on the residential as he cannot sleep alone.

DH and I are at breaking point, so we have decided he has got to learn to put himself down. We have a 9 year old DD who is a great sleeper - she can put herself to sleep and stays asleep for 12 hours - no issues at all.

Tonight is the second night where we have put DS to sleep; DH laid with him the first night in his own bed, the lamp was on and he has calming music playing. DS was in our room for 3 hours throughout this night, saying he couldn’t sleep. Each time we put him back to bed. Eventually, he went into DD’s bed to sleep. DH and I work full time so we were shattered yesterday, as was DD as DS just moves around constantly (we didn’t realise he went into DD’s room, I found him there in the morning). Tonight is going in the same vein; I lay with him initially and then, bang on midnight, DS is in our room, saying he can’t sleep / can’t close his eyes. He tried to go back into DD’s bed but I got him back out, I must’ve put him back in his own bed at least 15 times over the last 3 hours. My poor DH is driving 6+ hours for work tomo, so I’m trying to let him sleep. He is still up now, walking around, saying he can’t sleep.

What do I do?! I know we have made a rod for our own backs by letting DS come into our bed all these years, even though it was with the best intentions initially as we were concerned about his health.

Do we just ignore him when he gets up, persevere with putting him straight back to sleep? I’m so tired. It’s like having a newborn again.

I can understand this. I have a 12 1/2 year old who can't sleep in his own bed. Everyone said wait til high school but he's now in year 8 and finds his own bed traumatic to be made to sleep in. We've had sleep therapists, psychologists, paediatricians, school nurse, counselling - he just has bad experiences when younger of sleep and is likely ND but waiting years for diagnosis still.

I have found when I push it and make him try , his anxiety goes through the roof. I personally wouldn't start this during school time, it's going to take a long time for him to learn and if anything like my son he will be able to stay awake during the night far longer than I can. I got a referral to the hospital to help and he's on very strong sleep medication - some short term to help him try and break the habits but I don't like - it's the most exhausting thing to try and work on.

At 11 it's OK for your son to learn that you need sleep too. Reassure him that he can stay awake and read if he wishes but he absolutely mustn't disturb anyone else. You could leave him a snack and drink. He'll be very tired for a while but it's not the end of the world.

Going to DD is a very firm boundary and mustn't happen again.

A friend’s DS slept in the parental bed with her until he was 12. Her DH slept on a pull out bed in the living room.

They just accepted it and didn’t argue with him and once he went to secondary school he stopped of his own accord. He still struggles with anxiety (now a young adult) so it wasn’t a magic wand but they did all get enough sleep. It’s not for everyone obviously but worked for them.

Very similar situation here, dd is 10 terrible sleeper from birth but now sleeps alone. Here's what we did.
We had lots of conversations about it in the daytime so we were clear about what would happen at night.
Eventually she told us she was scared someone could get in her bedroom window so we spent a long time reassuring her.
We got new bedding, switched the bed around and gave the bedroom a new feel.
We got lots of low lighting around the room.
Squishmallows have been a game changer they feel like another body in the bed!
But most importantly she wanted to sleep on her own, does he want to achieve this?
She goes to sleep alone in her bed but we never enforced it. So she knows she can come in the night, which she does sometimes but always goes to sleep in her own bed alone now.
Good luck it's hard but he will get there.

OP It sounds like anxiety and the learned coping is in bed with parents all stemming from his illnesses. You've said as much. It's not wrong to seek comfort from patents in this way and for you to provide it, bit if it is no longer working for all involved then change needs occur. I think help from a family therapist is in order here to help you and dh determine strategies appropriate for all of you. Some cultures have family beds, so no need to feel embarrassed, but again, if it's no longer working time to change and a therapist can help aupport you and your ds through this process.

I have no idea if this will be helpful, but, when I was little never slept in my parent's bed when they were both home (if one was traveling - which was relatively often - we'd sometimes be able to sleep in the "big bed" with the other parent (though my dad stopped that when I was probably six or seven)) but, if we felt the need we were welcome to come sleep on the floor beside their bed. That way, their sleep wasn't super interrupted (though, I'm sure that they woke up a bit when we came in) but we had the closeness that we needed that night. I will say it wasn't done that often (unlike, it seems, your son might need), but maybe something to try?

We had similar and it was an an asthma issue and medical issues that caused it. What we did quite a few years earlier was prioritise everyone else’s sleep. So when they couldn’t sleep I left the bed to deal with it rather than disturb my partner. So we did the whole bedtime routine and sometimes that was enough, sometimes I sat with them on their bed until they drifted off, sometimes I’d end up asleep etc. but the key thing is this happens their bedroom not the whole wondering around the house. Honestly the whole stroking thing would have been exhausting, mine was you get my company and possibly hold hand but it was I’m here don’t panic type thing. Puberty is not far and soon he’ll need privacy, disturbing siblings needs to stop. Good dim lamp, we also as he got older talked through their fears it was very much around death. It was I think 3 questions or 10 minutes and then that’s it not dwelling over it. Older teen now, doesn’t need lamp, or me and much better. But it was the whole dieing in sleep issue. Key thing it’s their issue not everyone else’s so it happens in their bedroom not everyone else’s

Thanks @JadePinkFlower - he’s got my childhood toy (big dog) on his bed, and I think you are right - he needs a good routine to help settle him. Usually, if DH or I put him down to sleep, we lay with him - and fall asleep ourselves. We then go into our own bed and DS usually follows us around midnight.

He can’t cope on sleepovers either; he’s never slept over at a friend’s house. He can stay at family’s houses, as he knows he can have a cuddle if needed (like DH’s mum/ my sister / his cousin etc).

Regardless of his problem. You need to set boundaries about him disturbing his sister.

So at this point turn back round and they go back to their bed and you deal with it there, basically at moment it’s disturbing multiple people

My ds was the same.

We made our bed a no go zone, we did however agree he could sleep on the floor in our bedroom if he so chose.

We always encouraged him to stay in his own room, a large Kevin the carrot mimicked another human being in his bed.

ds is now almost 16, given the choice he will always prefer to sleep with me, his mum. I don't give him the choice anymore but I would say him coming in tell me he couldn't sleep was happening until he was 14!

Yes, just to reiterate - I’m not happy that he disturbed his sister the first night. I’ve told him that he cannot go into her bed. For DS, it literally is just to have someone next to him. DD sleeps in the pitch dark without music, and DS is fine with that, only IF someone is next to him.

OP, you are not alone. My DS2 who is 11 on Sunday hates sleeping alone and comes through to our bed more often than not. We had a couple of years where he slept through in his bed every night, but at the moment he appears every morning at 3am, and I go through to his bed. He suffers with nightmares. He sleeps fine on holiday when he shares with one of his siblings. It's not appropriate to have that at home though as his siblings are 20 and 18! Both of them were poor sleepers but fine by this age. They did share a room at this age though.

I think some people just struggle to sleep without company. I would be tempted by the mattress on the floor idea. I'm lucky in that DS goes to bed in his own room with no issues unless he's ill, but I do think part of the reason for that is he knows he can come through to us if he needs to.

@Landlubber2019 14?! Oh lord 🙈 the thing is, because DS is constantly wanting to come into our bed, it stops DH and I being able to cuddle, as I cannot cope with sleeping in the middle of the bed as I get really claustrophobic, and DH is the same, so when DS comes in, DH and I are on opposite sides of the bed!

Having two children who are polar opposite with sleeping habits is stressful, as I just want DS to be able to soothe himself to sleep, just as DD does.

Yeh honestly sibling here wouldn’t tolerate it, sleepover mattress on floor fine but not in bed. Looking back we never did sharing our bed either my kids have different dads my partner was very much against kids in our bed made him feel uncomfortable so we never did it. If they had an issue I went to them and this definately helps set the pattern of sleeping in your own bed

It sounds really hard and the temptation is to say tough it out but it looks like he is more determined and motivated than you and at 11 you can't just plonk him back. It sounds intense if he actually wants to be stroking and touching you too. I would have a chat with him and explain about yours and dad's lack of sleep and how are you all going to fix it. I think first step should be you have a bed in his room (alternate with husband) ,next to his bed but he shouldn't touch you. Can this be replaced with big pillow, Teddy,hot water bottle. Then move your bed away ,you are there for dropping off. Rewards for trying really hard and cracking each stage.

Our daughter slept on a camp bed in our room when she got too big to get into our bed - we found that less disruptive and then when she went to secondary school it eventually stopped naturally

@Partridgewell - I’m glad I’m not the only one! We did seem to have a breakthrough last year when DS brought nits home from school and so, to avoid passing it into DD (who had really long hair) and me, he slept in his own bed. As soon as he was treated and the nits were banished, he returned to coming into our bed in the night 🤦🏻‍♀️

I would concentrate on teaching him how to fall asleep alone if he wakes you or dh swap with him so you aren't all up all night. Then build on it, it's been 11 years it won't get resolved in a week and reassure him he can come in if he needs you.

I'm laughing but only because I absolutely recognise this. I do think it's much more common than you might think - people just don't tend to talk about it.

Interesting he could do it when he had nits, did he sleep OK?

@Doingmybest12 thats a really good idea, thank you. We do have a camp bed I can put in his room, so I can set that up and tell DS that I am in the room, but definitely no touching.

With regards to the touching, he has always liked stroking arms / backs / ears as he finds it soothing. He has got a giant teddy on his bed that I will position next to him at night to give him that feeling of “closeness”

This was my thought - as soon as a really firm line was drawn, he seems to have coped?

@Doingmybest12 he slept wonderfully when he had nits! It was for about 5 days I think and he would come into our room in the morning, proud as punch that he slept the whole night in his bed!

Yea, the nits thing makes me think that he’s perhaps being a bit manipulative here. He can’t sleep so he wants to make sure nobody else can either. He claims it’s because he needs a cuddle because he knows that’s something parents don’t tend to say no to. If he could sleep fine on his own when he had nits then I would be very hard with him. He’s even gone so far as to get into bed with his sister, this really needs to stop, but you need to be much harsher I think.