11 year (yes, YEAR!!) old not sleeping in own bed

[Baxterbaxter]

My just-turned 11 year old cannot sleep in his own bed, by himself, through the night.

It started when he was a baby; he had awful asthma / bad croup and would stop breathing, so I would keep him with me in case of an episode. This happened a few times; each time we rushed him to hospital as he just couldn’t breathe.

He eventually grew out of this but he could only go to sleep if we lay down with him. Guaranteed, he would wake during the night and come into my bed.

Skip forward a few years, and this is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He has just gone into year 6 and he refused to go on the residential as he cannot sleep alone.

DH and I are at breaking point, so we have decided he has got to learn to put himself down. We have a 9 year old DD who is a great sleeper - she can put herself to sleep and stays asleep for 12 hours - no issues at all.

Tonight is the second night where we have put DS to sleep; DH laid with him the first night in his own bed, the lamp was on and he has calming music playing. DS was in our room for 3 hours throughout this night, saying he couldn’t sleep. Each time we put him back to bed. Eventually, he went into DD’s bed to sleep. DH and I work full time so we were shattered yesterday, as was DD as DS just moves around constantly (we didn’t realise he went into DD’s room, I found him there in the morning). Tonight is going in the same vein; I lay with him initially and then, bang on midnight, DS is in our room, saying he can’t sleep / can’t close his eyes. He tried to go back into DD’s bed but I got him back out, I must’ve put him back in his own bed at least 15 times over the last 3 hours. My poor DH is driving 6+ hours for work tomo, so I’m trying to let him sleep. He is still up now, walking around, saying he can’t sleep.

What do I do?! I know we have made a rod for our own backs by letting DS come into our bed all these years, even though it was with the best intentions initially as we were concerned about his health.

Do we just ignore him when he gets up, persevere with putting him straight back to sleep? I’m so tired. It’s like having a newborn again.

Maybe the child is just scared you could sleep in their room to help them get use to it.

Have you ever considered he might be autistic? The stroking sounds like me and I’m 29 lol 💓 I think it’s a form of stimming and I do it all the time I’m constantly touching and rubbing things usually cushions or fabrics , but I do know people who like the feel of skin xx

Sleeping alone is not biologically normal for humans, you sleep with your DH, but you expect your children to sleep without the comfort of another person next to them.

There is no quick fix, and in all honesty he will grow out of it, but trying to 'nip it in the bud' or go cold turkey will not be good for anyone. The first thing I'd do is take the stress and emphasis out of the situation. Don't make it a big deal, that will be making him more anxious and less able to sleep. Explain to him that if he wants to get in with you, he has to be quiet, not wriggle around and disturb you. Night time is for sleep, and it's not fair of him to wake you and make you tired. No talking, no messing about, just get in, lie quietly and go back to sleep. Tell him he will start the night in his own bed (he is NOT to go into his sisters room, that's a non-negotiable) you'll stay with him until he's asleep, then if he wakes he can QUIETLY get in with you. If he disturbs you, he goes back in his own bed. Over time the anxiety around sleeping will ease and he will be able to sleep in his own room all night, but it won't be instant, and if you try to rush it you'll make things worse.

Ask him how it feels when he falls asleep. My DD didn't sleep alone until she was nearly 15 (sorry!) Turned out to be ADHD and she had never drifted off to sleep. Her brain was on on on until she was exhausted, and zonk. Melatonin has been revolutionary but until she tried it, she'd never understood what people meant when they said snooze, or drift off, or settling down to sleep.

I almost cannot believe this post and on another thread with a screaming 6 year old.
At 11 years the DS is on the verge of puberty.
Can you imagine the repercussions if DD tells her friends that her DB is getting into her bed, and the boys at school find out. Can you imagine the bullying.
For the DS sake dad needs to exert his authority and put an immediate stop to these night time shenanigans

Another vote for therapy.

A lot of people don't seem to be reading the part where OP has been clear she is not happy with him getting into his sister's bed and has also made clear to him that that in particular cannot happen again. Some of the replies are also really harsh and bordering on insulting. There are ways to say things constructively - the incredulity and superiority is not necessary or helpful.

I'm thinking he may have some trauma feelings from his asthma attacks and emergency hospital admissions. I've had trauma feelings from childhood that have emerged even as an adult and you just can't plough through it by thinking your way out

I would be curious as to what he is feeling when he "can't sleep" on his own. Not what he is thinking but the actual feelings.

Be accepting of the feelings ( that sounds awful, how horrible etc, I can understand why you don't want to be on your own etc) rather than rationalising ( but nothing is going to hurt you etc etc)

Then once he knows his feelings have been heard, you can gently introduce the idea that these might be "left over" feelings from when he was little. Not being able to breathe would be very scary, especially when you were too little to understand etc.

Just go with lots of sympathy and soothing to begin with and let him choose to come in with you for the next few weeks while you introduce this ( you might as well as he isn't settling at the moment )

Then once he feels really heard and supported ask him if he wants to find a different way of starting to deal with those "left over feelings"

He might be amenable to it put this way because he knows that most year 6 children don't need to sleep with parents and it is starting to restrict what he can do ( eg school residential). He will want to deal with it, it is just that at the moment his most pressing needs is to do everything he can to avoid the traumatic feelings. Once this has started to be acknowledged and addressed I think he will find it easier to be open to other strategies

So then you could try starting by getting him to stay in bed for 10 minutes reminding himself that the difficult feelings are "left over" from when he was little not about anything happening now before coming in to you. Then try 15 mins and 20 mins, 30 mins listening to a talking book etc until he can sleep all night alone and self settle when he wakes up.You could also get him to try other self soothing techniques as suggested by others while he is on his own.

My guess is that if you take this really slowly he would suddenly realise that he can be free from his dependence on you to soothe.

If this approach doesn't work, or if it starts to prove to be tricky he might benefit from some counselling/therapy.

Just in addition to suggestions about mattress on the floor etc - I have always struggled physically getting to sleep and my 11 year old is the same. I hear him chatting / singing to himself ages after he’s gone to bed. We’ve both started taking magnesium and it’s improved sleep for both of us. Getting to sleep, staying asleep and going back to sleep after going to loo etc

Apologies if this has been suggested, I haven't read all 11 pages of replies but I have read all the OPs.

My son had both anxiety and struggled to get to sleep when he was younger and he suffered terribly with night terrors. We were recommended to try guided meditations. These were great at both dealing with any anxieties from the day and easing into sleep. The best ones were Christiane Kerr's bedtime meditation for kids. This was 10 years ago so we had on CD but I think it is now on Spotify and similar. At his age adult versions may also be suitable.

I would get one of those large bed toys that you can cuddle up to and put one of your used tee shirts on it. I would also get him some melatonin!

We currently have a 4 year old cosleeper who can’t fall asleep without being cuddled so no idea how long that will last for.

I think the idea of a second bed/mattress in his bed room is a good idea so he always sleeps in his bed but has you there for comfort when he wakes up in the night. Would the dog stay in his room all night for comfort?

I’ve also seen that you can buy melatonin for children who struggle to sleep. Might be worth looking in to?

My child was like this but never slept well even as a baby- had to be rocked to sleep for hours at night and wouldn’t sleep in afternoon. At 11 has he started secondary? He could be anxious or bullied.

eventually at age 16 my child was diagnosed autistic. Then you read about the symptoms and they had displayed them all along we just didn’t know . Anxiety is a big factor. Rather than forcing him to sleep alone try to understand the underlying causes - maybe get a therapist.

Not sure if anyone else has suggested this but have you tried a sleeping bag. Children with sleep problems can find these reassuring as they are a bit like a cocoon and stop them moving about so much as they try to get to sleep.

We had similar but it was due to having twins and one twin needed someone. You need to train him to sleep through the night in his own room - pop in a single bed. Take turns to sleep there until his body is used to not waking up. Once this happens for a while start in the single bed and then leave in the night

Our daughter wouldn’t sleep on her own until she turned 13. We battled for many years, tried all tricks in the book but eventually we just gave in. She was battling with major anxiety and depression at the time. When she turned 13 she decided she’s had enough of sleeping in her parents room and moved into her own bed. She is now 18 and is a very independent and well adjusted young adult. So I wouldn’t stress too much honestly.

Puberty will hit in a year or two and the desire to sleep alone will outgrow the desire to sleep with mummy or dad. I think the problem will resolve itself once that happens. If the poor wee lad is having sleep paralysis episodes and if all he wants is a cuddle and to sleep next to you, and isn’t disturbing your sleep when cosleeping why not indulge him for a bit more? He won’t be a little boy for much longer.

https://www.instagram.com/holisticsleepcoachingprogram?igsh=MWV4ZXJxeHE3bWlx

hi this is a link for an amazing lady who has been a paediatric nurse and a sleep coach for many, many years. She works with both babies and older children, might be worth sending her a message on Instagram.

I'd take the onus off him falling asleep and have the rule that he has to stay in bed. He can do what he likes whilst in bed, but that's where he has to stay. And if it takes you continually putting him back to his bed then that's what happens.

I think tough love is needed

When my toddler was in this phase, we were firm and consistent at returning to her own bed

It took 2-3 nights to nip it in the bud. Yes it's easier to give in when you're tired at 1am

Time to be a bit firmer. It may mean a few sleepless nights of up and down but it's the only way

Oh my horror at hearing tales like this - pre-children! I would NEVER do this and couldn’t imagine how parents let it occur!

I had my own child later in life and his DF has his own sleep problems so prefers to sleep alone and luckily we do have the space and we’ve had a very long relationship so this isn’t an issue. My child when young didn’t have afternoon naps but would always go to bed alone then wake up in the early hours. I’d then spend hours taking him back to bed and just be exhausted because what fool would let their child dictate? Did it for years. Then covid came and my child was one of the few excluded from primary school for the duration, coping badly, self harming, so he started to stay with me in a vey large bed. Everyone slept- well DH still had his normal problems but not because of our child.

Years rolled on. We revamped his bedroom to be more teenager in style. Didn’t do the trick. Reverted to being with me. In year 6 we started to have serious chats about sleeping in his own room. He said he was scared of burglars. His room is closest to the stairs. We agreed he would be in there by secondary school. I did gently say that some people would tease him or think it odd or they knew. He had problems for a few nights but got used to it.

I think, on reflection, if anything I would have coslept earlier and avoided all those years of interrupted sleep. I can see there are different factors at play though - if you haven’t got a big bed, another room to go and are in the throes of a new relationship (or just sleeping with your OH is critical to your relationship) you won’t want a child there. For those saying it’s just boys, it clearly isn’t, but puberty does arrive later for boys so this may maintain the status quo for longer.

I’m going to throw some unusual ideas in here. We coslept with all of ours for the first few years of their lives. My youngest was in and out of our bed until secondary school and then covid hit in year 7 so he often fell asleep in our bed. Dh might move him but sometimes ds would refuse and stay all night. Then puberty hit and all of a sudden he’d give me a cuddle at night then clear off to his own room 😭

youre all knackered, what would be the easiest way for you all to get a good nights sleep! A bigger bed? A mattress on the floor? Ds is old enough to tell what would help him.

if you really want to knock this on the head and get him sleeping independently, can you leave it until half term? At least then there’s a bit more space and he’s not going to school exhausted. He’s also got a few weeks to get used to the idea.

Hi, we had a similar issue when our DS was 11. He was scared to sleep in his own room as was anxious about being alone and scared of possible demons/ghoulies in the wardrobe. We had a long six months while he slept on a camp bed in our room and either me or my husband went to bed early with him.
We then did solve it quite quickly by reading a book about Cognitive Bahaviour Therapy that a kind therapist recommended who was too busy to help us in person. It involved several stages with us slowly withdrawing from being in his room, just outside his room, etc, as he went to sleep. One thing we also learnt was not to reassure him that there weren’t demons/ghoulies in the wardrobe but talking to him about whether he thought it was likely so that he would think himself about how he would cope and learn to resolve the issue himself.
Good luck op, not an easy thing to cope with, although I think such anxieties are quite common at this transitional age.

So many different perspectives on this thread - I find some of the assumptions made very interesting. I know for me, I used to absolutely love it when one of my parents sat on the end of my bed when I went to sleep. It made me much less likely to have nightmares. They didn't do it often, which I totally understand now, but I wish they had done it more.

I still find it really difficult to sleep alone and I do wonder what I'll do if DH shuffles off this mortal coil before I do. I'd probably have to start allowing the dog (or a future incarnation thereof) to sleep in my room.

@Baxterbaxter where abouts do you live? If you live in any of the areas covered by this app I would 100% recommend it. It’s uses cbt and exposure therapy to tackle goals and one of them is sleeping alone. If you aren’t in an area that covers it you could email them to ask if it’s possible to access it.

luminova.app/get-access