11 year (yes, YEAR!!) old not sleeping in own bed

[Baxterbaxter]

My just-turned 11 year old cannot sleep in his own bed, by himself, through the night.

It started when he was a baby; he had awful asthma / bad croup and would stop breathing, so I would keep him with me in case of an episode. This happened a few times; each time we rushed him to hospital as he just couldn’t breathe.

He eventually grew out of this but he could only go to sleep if we lay down with him. Guaranteed, he would wake during the night and come into my bed.

Skip forward a few years, and this is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He has just gone into year 6 and he refused to go on the residential as he cannot sleep alone.

DH and I are at breaking point, so we have decided he has got to learn to put himself down. We have a 9 year old DD who is a great sleeper - she can put herself to sleep and stays asleep for 12 hours - no issues at all.

Tonight is the second night where we have put DS to sleep; DH laid with him the first night in his own bed, the lamp was on and he has calming music playing. DS was in our room for 3 hours throughout this night, saying he couldn’t sleep. Each time we put him back to bed. Eventually, he went into DD’s bed to sleep. DH and I work full time so we were shattered yesterday, as was DD as DS just moves around constantly (we didn’t realise he went into DD’s room, I found him there in the morning). Tonight is going in the same vein; I lay with him initially and then, bang on midnight, DS is in our room, saying he can’t sleep / can’t close his eyes. He tried to go back into DD’s bed but I got him back out, I must’ve put him back in his own bed at least 15 times over the last 3 hours. My poor DH is driving 6+ hours for work tomo, so I’m trying to let him sleep. He is still up now, walking around, saying he can’t sleep.

What do I do?! I know we have made a rod for our own backs by letting DS come into our bed all these years, even though it was with the best intentions initially as we were concerned about his health.

Do we just ignore him when he gets up, persevere with putting him straight back to sleep? I’m so tired. It’s like having a newborn again.

I don't think any huge and traumatic interventions are the best thing in situations like this. Imo the behaviour is best largely ignored. I have a primary-age child who goes through periods of not being able to sleep alone. Since we're not having our DC sleeping in our bed (too uncomfortable!), we put a mattress in the corner of our room and if DC wakes during the night, DC can come and sleep there. Everyone is happy enough with this solution and eventually DC moves back to their own room.

My sister slept in my parent's bed on and off until 16, she would start in her own bed and migrate around 3am.
I don't know how they coped.
ADHD and high anxiety perhaps explained it.

I don't mean macabre or weird as in putting them down like you would an animal. I mean it's a phrase that implies the parent is doing the action and the child is passive. At that age isn't it that kids are 'going to bed'? Maybe there's reading, or a quick chat, but there's more agency for the child.
Don't want to get caught up in semantics, and I'm not criticising where you're at, OP, it just struck me that you could all be a bit trapped in an earlier phase of parenting.

Do you not have any compassion for them now about how knackered they were?!

Is he subconsciously traumatised by the croup/hospital trips in the night? Kids can’t always reason these things, it just gets stuck in their brains and bodies. EMDR therapy could help.

You sound like really loving parents. What lucky kids you have. Don't beat yourself up, this isn't your fault. Lots of great ideas in the thread but just wanted to remind you to be kind to yourself too 😘

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=a+simple+trick+to+get+your+child+to+sleep+at+night+harvard&t=iphone&iar=videos&iax=videos&ia=videos&iai=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DvDQwDeKgGqg

There are other sleep consultants on YouTube if this one doesn’t work. (DuckDuckGo are keen to claim it but it’s from Harvard.)

I would do loads of reasoning like I am sure all your friends sleep on their own or get his favourite footballer and say I am sure he has his own room. Perhaps put up posters in his room of some idol he likes either music or sport and say that the pictures are there for him to see if he wakes up. Get teddy bear with sports gear on. That sort of thing. He needs company and is probably afraid of the dark. Sounds like he needs a support system. Also, explain to him that you all need your sleep or else you won't be able to function and he can help by staying in his own room and bed. At 11 he should learn to understand this for later teens.

Our Dd stayed in a bed in our room until she was 13. She chose to leave on her 13th birthday. She had lots of anxiety.

She was later diagnosed ADHD. But it was no big deal. I hated sleeping alone so did both sil’s. It’s quite common.

My year 7 still needs me to sleep in bed with her every night. Kept thinking she would grow out of it. Will still be awake at 4am if not and then nobody gets sleep. She has ADHD and anxiety and unfortunately it means her brain will not switch off at night. Having me in with her calms her down. Unfortunately I have no advice, I'm constantly shattered.

Due to the nits update I firmly believe he CAN sleep in his own bed at night, he is CHOOSING not to, and by giving into him, you're enabling it.
He needs to be told that he is not to wake anyone else up at night or come into your room unless it's a serious emergency ans to be honest I'd start putting consequences in place if he does as he's proven he can sleep alone. He's ruining everyone's sleep for reasons that are in his control. Sorry but I wouldn't be entertaining it at 11 years old when I know he can sleep alone.

This will make him worse.

It doesn’t go away if you become ‘firm’ about it.

Wow. “A little princling” 😔

Nevermind the fact that this is child who is most likely traumatised by stopping breathing several times, being rushed to hospital in the night and is just looking for the reassurance of a parent. If this was an adult who didn’t want to sleep alone due to trauma would you call them a name like that?

You havent made a rod for your own back. It sounds the child is really struggling, which is hardly surprising giving his health issues.
Is his own bed in a separate room? I would start him having a bed in your bedroom and also get him some therapy perhaps. Not to get him out but to help him with his fears.

@TigathaChristie thank you so much, and thank you to those who have experienced / are experiencing this and your helpful comments.

I spoke with DS this morning on the phone to ask if he was Ok and what happened last night. Basically, it sounds like anxiety - he is afraid of having nightmares and not having anyone there with him if he has another sleep paralysis episode (of course I cannot 100% guarantee that will not happen, but I’m really, really hoping it doesn’t). I reassured him and told him he is Ok and that we love him. I will speak with his consultant and see what she recommends, as I don’t want this to get worse. DH said DS was in remarkably good spirits for having so little sleep!

I don’t want to reference those who seem to indicate that my son is a “princeling” / behaving inappropriately with his sister - I cannot stress enough how this is NOT the case. I nearly lost him when he stopped breathing when he was little (he was next to me when it happened, thank god) so yes, he was “indulged” when I let him sleep in with me for reassurance. He sought his sister out for comfort - nothing more than that.

Once again, to all those in the same sleepless boat, it’s nice to know I’m not alone here. DS has said that he will try and stay in his own room tonight - he knows getting up at silly o’clock isn’t on. To the poster who mentioned 8pm being too early for bed - I will take that on board and see if a 9pm bedtime will work better.

DS is a lovely child and I just want him to get a good nights sleep. I know he has anxiety / worries more than most, so I will keep on with the reassurance that I am there for
him, and he, above all, is safe.

what did I do to hurt you this morning 😂

Of course, I empathise with their situation. I haven’t slept a full night in years due to pregnancy and kids, I can’t imagine 11+ years of it. I’m just offering another perspective.

Totally agree with @BananaSpanner . Whether he sleeps or not is not your problem. The rule is he goes to his bed at a set time and he stays there until a set time in the morning. He does not come into your room, or anyone else's room. He can sleep or read but he stays quiet and disturbs no one else. Or give him a night time project to write a journal of his night time worries. Meanwhile, you enjoy your night of full sleep.

I hope the fact that there are other parents on this thread who know exactly the issue is helping...you are not alone.
My dd2 didn't sleep well. She liked philosophical discussions at bedtime. She kept her siblings awake by chatting in her bed
She liked a parent in the bed. She wandered into us. Even when she had nits...
Eventually we got her a high sleeper bed. And 100 nights challenge with a reward for the whole family.
She is nearly 30. She still hates going to sleep. She sleeps with her dog when her partner is away.

She thinks her electric blanket helps her fall asleep.
Bach flower remedy sleep drops might help? Later bedtime?
Dd2s siblings would have kicked her out of bed!

@benefitstaxcredithelp thank you - that was upsetting to read that comment by that poster to be honest. That poster doesn’t know anything about the health struggles my son has had. It’s not relevant to his sleeping, but when he was little, there were many times he presented to hospital and they thought he had leukaemia / a cancer because he was so ill - so, yes, I probably have let him have more cuddles than some other children get. I didn’t want to add that in but seeing that comment and my DS labelled as spoiled with affection - that is just unfair.

Thank you again to the kind and helpful posters.

Getting into his sister's bed is behaving inappropriately. You must nip that aspect in thr bud before he goes through puberty, which may well be this year. It is the most important and urgent part of your story.

Ps - one of mine suffered recurrent croup as a youngster and waa hospitalised a few times but grew out of it by 4 years old. And - interstingly - he is the only one of our kids who persistantly got up at 6am and came into our bed until he was about 4. We tried soft things. And then we told him exactly what i wrote above - that he was not to come into our room at all. We would come to him in the morning. He never disturbed us again. He is 25 now.

I was thinking the same thing it sounds like there's some unresolved trauma there. He can't sleep because he's hyper vigilant.

Would a baby monitor help? So he knows if he comes into trouble health wise, you will know and come to his aid. Both my DCs (7.5 and 3) still have one.

I have had the non sleeping variety but getting in my bed was never an option. A lamp and a pile of books and they got told either they read or they slept but if they disturbed anyone else there would be consequences. They were much younger than your son at that point. I don't know when they grew out of it because they didn't disturb me.
Your ds can sleep through the night alone, the nit episode showed you this. It's time to stop pussyfooting around him and put in place expectations and consequences if he fails to meet them

I think it would help to have some coping strategies. My son was younger at around 7 but these included being allowed to read at any time (he would read to sleep) and if he went for a sleepover he could bring a book and reading light. By the time camp came around he had no concerns. As an adult, I can't sleep easily without human contact if am anxious but a hot water bottle helps. So the combination of being extra anxious probably doesn't help here.