11 year (yes, YEAR!!) old not sleeping in own bed

[Baxterbaxter]

My just-turned 11 year old cannot sleep in his own bed, by himself, through the night.

It started when he was a baby; he had awful asthma / bad croup and would stop breathing, so I would keep him with me in case of an episode. This happened a few times; each time we rushed him to hospital as he just couldn’t breathe.

He eventually grew out of this but he could only go to sleep if we lay down with him. Guaranteed, he would wake during the night and come into my bed.

Skip forward a few years, and this is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He has just gone into year 6 and he refused to go on the residential as he cannot sleep alone.

DH and I are at breaking point, so we have decided he has got to learn to put himself down. We have a 9 year old DD who is a great sleeper - she can put herself to sleep and stays asleep for 12 hours - no issues at all.

Tonight is the second night where we have put DS to sleep; DH laid with him the first night in his own bed, the lamp was on and he has calming music playing. DS was in our room for 3 hours throughout this night, saying he couldn’t sleep. Each time we put him back to bed. Eventually, he went into DD’s bed to sleep. DH and I work full time so we were shattered yesterday, as was DD as DS just moves around constantly (we didn’t realise he went into DD’s room, I found him there in the morning). Tonight is going in the same vein; I lay with him initially and then, bang on midnight, DS is in our room, saying he can’t sleep / can’t close his eyes. He tried to go back into DD’s bed but I got him back out, I must’ve put him back in his own bed at least 15 times over the last 3 hours. My poor DH is driving 6+ hours for work tomo, so I’m trying to let him sleep. He is still up now, walking around, saying he can’t sleep.

What do I do?! I know we have made a rod for our own backs by letting DS come into our bed all these years, even though it was with the best intentions initially as we were concerned about his health.

Do we just ignore him when he gets up, persevere with putting him straight back to sleep? I’m so tired. It’s like having a newborn again.

I have a 12 year of DC with the same issue. They have diagnosed anxiety (and autism as it happens, but anxiety is the root issue here).

I've taken the view they need comfort in the moment - they would lie in bed quietly sobbing and petrified if they weren't in with me.

We've had some successes recently where they will sleep in their own bed - but it's not every night. We did it gradually - ie for them it was why not try and lie in bed and relax/read and just see how long you last etc. If was also helpful when it was nights they were very tired ie we'd been out.

It won't last forever. I'd rather a child had comfort when they needed it.

Don't do this drugging your kids because you can't be arsed to parent them is ridiculous melatonin causes severe sleep issues in adulthood

Absolutely this! Why are you treating this with kid gloves!? He is ignoring what you have told him to not do - it is completely inappropriate for him to be going in your Dds bed. He stays in his own room. If he doesn't sleep he doesn't sleep - he will at some point! Stop being a soft touch.
Stroke to sleep. Honestly.

OP you have my sympathy, it’s so hard when you have a non-sleeper! I have one who sleeps like a dream and generally always has and one who took until he was 12……. We tried everything and it was exhausting, he just seemed to have this sleep anxiety and the only thing that helped was being near me.

I wish I had a magic answer for you but for us one day he just stopped of his own accord (he’s 14.5 now so about 2.5 years ago). He’s been on sleepovers and school trips since and been absolutely fine, He does like to have a night light and a fan for the white noise but never leaves his room now.

Personally I would NOT recommend that type of chat. He'll know it's not 'normal' and shaming him in to something he struggles with when he essentially has separation anxiety is really not going to help

Your nits update really says alot about- he CAN sleep in his own bed, he is choosing not too. He is running the entire household by his choice at night and you are letting him.

Was going to suggest the same thing. Mattress on his floor first with one of you sleeping there.

Ds1 is 4 and he's just gone into his own bed after cosleeping since birth. We tried last year when he was 3 but he wasn't ready, despite me being on a floor bed with his baby brother in the same room. Now, he still needs to see me in the night but he's been sleeping in his bed for a few weeks. Eventually when DS2 is sleeping through the night (not yet) that's when I'll slowly move him to a bed and slowly move back to my room, returning to sleep on floor where necessary.

I know your ds is 11 but I went through a horrible stage at 10 years old (after sleeping in my own bed my whole childhood) where I was terrified and couldn't sleep. I'd lay awake until 2/3am sometimes listening to my radio alarm clock too scared to close my eyes and sleep. My mum never let me in her bed and it caused some panic in me when she'd turn me away. So I'd try to go slowly with ds, it's definitely ok to start putting him in his bed but a mattress on the floor sounds like a good point to start. To separate but you're still there.

Is the start of a new school year the best time to start this? Hold on in there til half term (what's 5 more weeks when you've done 11 years?!) and then he will have a good period of time to get used to things - e.g. he doesn't necessarily have to sleep, but he does have to stay in his room (unless needing the toilet) and stay quiet. You can talk about the importance of other people being able to sleep too!

A friends child was like this. They were diagnosed ASD in high school. If he is query ADHD personally I’d buy him some melatonin. Many kids with ADHD are prescribed it for sleep.

My kids are younger and just go to bed at bed time. Surely at 11 he just does as he's told obviously you can't actually make him fall asleep but don't you just make him go lay in his own bed. And the bit about his sister don't ever under any circumstances let him go into her bed that is not ok.

Do you think he might need some counselling? I knew a young person like this and it broke up her parents’ marriage, sadly.

You can't buy melatonin in the uk. Weighted blanket good idea.

It’s interesting that he managed it during the nits episode.

i think you need t9 be a lot firmer, with lots of bribery and a reward at the end.

at 11 even if he wakes up he should be able to entertain himself in his own room eg light on, read a book, draw some pictures etc. he shouldn’t be disturbing everyone else.

ds was a terrible sleeper woke constantly but knew to put lamp on and read his book for a while before falling asleep again.

Let him wake up and do things quietly in his room, read or listen to music on headphones.

I'm often awake in the middle of the night for an hour or two.

You could try the Supernanny technique of returning him to bed, but I suggest you do it on a weekend to start.

It's illegal to buy in the UK its a prescription only drug and rightly so it has negative side effects and damaging long term effects. Why is everyone so quick to drug their kids.

Yup, this exactly this. Once secondary hits dc do not want to sleep with their parents anymore. It happened to us and happened to my niece.

This!! He's too old to be stroking people to sleep. Especially his sister!

I agree that 'putting down' and 'self soothing' - are terms used for little ones and not tweens. Maybe using more grown up language and age appropriate gentle discipline would help?

I say that without judgement of your situation OP, I'm waking up to my 11 year old DD sleeping next to me! In our case we've always done it, I've been a single parent since she was 1. Work full time and have to go away a far bit and she's happy sleeping on her own at her dads, my mums, sleepovers etc so doesn't have sleep issues as such. She just prefers to sleep in my bed (if I left the bed to sleep in hers she'd just starfish in mine ☺️) It works for us.

We had this but DS was only 5/6. WE told him if he stayed in his bed for a month we would buy him a bunk bed. He did it!
We reminded him every night when he got into bed and if he tried to get into ours. I would recommend it but maybe go with if he sleeps for a week he will get X, 2 weeks Y, 1 Month Z.

Hi OP,

Sorry I haven't read all your posts but didn't want to read and run.

Have you considered therapy for PTSD for your DS? Breathing problems in infants can leave lasting trauma. My DS has similar. We've got to age 14 and all the pigeons have come home to roost with severe anxiety just as puberty has kicked in.

It might be worth considering whether there are deeper issues that need attention.

In the meantime, sleeping with bright lights on, and soothing music and lots of reasurring books and stuff like that will help. You might need to work shifts with your DH and be prepared to have daytime sleep to catch up.

Have you considered sleeping with him in his room for a little while? Just to get him settled and comfortable in his room, and then start to retreat back to yours?

You must be absolutely shattered OP, have you had a conversation with him? At 11 he is old enough for you to discuss with him how his behavior is impacting other people, you need to have a serious works about him disturbing his sister though, if she's a solid 12hr a night kinda girl she really needs her sleep and it's not fair for him to be waking her up.

I’m not sure if I would go as far as to say it was sleep paralysis (I’ve had this 4-5 times in my life and yes, it is terrifying) but it did spook him. I said it won’t happen again and that he is safe

Don't lie to him, that is a sure fire way to break trust.

You can not say that a nightmare won't happen again, it might. You need to tell him that it isn't real, and that he is safe.

I think there's a lot to unpick about what you've accepted for too long because you understand the need, so instead of redirecting or expecting him to adapt/ put boundaries in place you've gone with it. Then it's hard to change the goal posts because you feel differently about it or you have mixed feelings about it. You'll get there OP, you have to make a plan with him and stick to it, part of the learning is just because he wants to touch people for his needs , doesn't mean he can.

Do you think things might change when his friends find out about his sleeping habits?

OP i haven't read the full thread. But my son stopped when he was 12 and eventually puberty and size became factors.

I am on the side of letting it happen naturally.

However my DS is asd (what would have been aspergers) so this may have been a factor.