Settling techniques aren’t working at night, and I’m getting angry with my baby. Please help.

[Midnightmadnessmum]

Hello all. NC for obvious reasons. DD2 is 8 months old, and is definitely showing some signs of separation anxiety. She can settle to sleep by herself in her cot with a comforter, but likes me to be close by when she goes to sleep. Needing me around has definitely increased recently, but I don’t mind this at all.

She wakes 2-3 times a night, generally. When she wakes, I pick her up, feed her, rock her, try to put her back down. I’ve had to add the rocking in recently as she used to just fall asleep feeding which was fine. This process used to work pretty well but things have changed recently.

Firstly, with the feeding, she isn’t really taking any milk now. I find it quite uncomfortable as she’s just sucking and not feeding. It doesn’t get her back to sleep now either because she’s not really getting milk, and doesn’t even seem to make her sleepy. It just stops her crying for a few minutes.

Secondly with the rocking she is fighting me. Arching her back and screeching. I can rock her back to sleep still if I persevere, however.

Then when I put her down, she sometimes stays asleep or resettles in her cot (she seems to be better at this at around 5-6am, than in the middle of the night. Weird, I know.). However for her earlier wake she has been waking fully and then fighting her sleep for ages while I comfort her in the cot. Last night she woke at 11.40
and didn’t go back to sleep (and stay asleep) until 12.30. Ultimately I sat by her cot patting her a bit until she eventually fell asleep but it didn’t feel nice for either of us, and it doesn’t seem very effective. An hour seems like a long time to be awake as well, given her wakes used to be much quicker.

With the fighting and screaming, the night wakes are making me feel really angry. I’m having strong impulses to hurt my baby. Thoughts of smacking her etc. This is so, so unlike me, and it’s really scary. My older DD was a much worse sleeper and I didn’t feel this way. I don’t feel I can tell anyone about it. In case it needs saying: I don’t believe in smacking, I don’t hurt her, and more than anything I do not want to lose control. So far if I’ve gotten overwhelmed I have left the room, but I feel I am actively fighting myself to stay calm and I feel like I’m going a bit mad, to be honest.

Does anyone have any ideas, for settling her or managing how I’m feeling? I am living in hope that her sleep will naturally improve in the next few weeks with separation anxiety reducing. I
want to be able to comfort DD2 effectively in the night. At the moment I don’t feel able to help her and I think that is probably at the heart of my rage. But it’s not good for her or me and I need to make sure we are all safe. Thank you in advance for reading.

Hey - sounds really tough. Do you have anyone else (partner) who can help you with these night wakes?

I don't have a lot of advice - the newborn days are long past for me, but I didn't want to read and run. Is there a DP/DH in the picture that could take over the night wakening for a few days to give you a break? You sound a bit exhausted and at the end of your tether. Perhaps prepare some bottles (either formula or expressed milk) to see if your baby feeds from a bottle at night time? If feeding is uncomfortable then at least you'll get an understanding if she's actually hungry or not.

I should have included this in my OP, as it’s the obvious question. My DH is really not the best with babies crying or night wakes. He helps if I ask him to, but I don’t ask very often. She just screams even more for me, so it seems pointless.

I’m sure I’ve made him sound really crap, but he isn’t generally. He often gets up with both of them in the morning so I can sleep and will take them while I nap. I just manage far, far better on broken sleep than him.

Oh and yes, she refuses bottles completely. So the night wakings have always been all on me. Which is part of the reason she goes batshit if DH tries to get involved.

If she's arching when you are rocking her she may have wind.
Alternatively she may just not like the routine - you rock her then put her down.
Have you tried putting her back in her cot and then reading to her after her feed? It might help soothe her and send her off to sleep and break the mummy comes but then leaves again stress.

There’s a lady on Facebook that saved my bacon when my DS was having trouble sleeping. She does a free online workshop. Not sure if I’m allowed to say her name on here but DM me and I’ll tell you if you like

This happened with both mine. I fed to sleep and then around 8/9 months it stopped working.

I did controlled crying. After a couple of nights they were waking less and were settled with a shhh and tummy rub. No regrets at all.

When we did it with the youngest we did it at a weekend. DH was on look out for the toddler and if the crying woke him up DH would deal with it / bring him to our bed. I don't remember the crying waking him tbh.

I also found night waking harder with my second. In the end I co slept and let him just nuzzle my boob whenever he felt like it. It worked for me.

I think if your partner is generally supportive you need to be more honest with him about how you’re feeling at night.

also have a think about some of your logic. While in the past you might have coped better in less sleep, it doesn’t sound as if that’s the case right now and so you need him to step up. If the baby screams let him deal with it you are a partnership.

the things I am saying to you are the things I wish I had done. I soldiered on without asking for help and grew resentful … it damaged our relationship irreparably and I should have just asked for the help I needed.

good luck!

I mean this very kindly, but it doesn't matter if he's crap at night wakings or dealing with crying babies, if you're at the end of your tether you need to talk to him about it honestly and ask him to give you a break from dealing with it.

Some great tips on calm and bright sleep on Instagram. All gentle methods. Saved my sanity x

We’ve just been through this with our one. It’s so hard so sending so much love and support.

The thing that worked for us was me moving on to the nursery floor. I was prepared to do it indefinitely but I slept in our bed by accident (stayed up until 2:30am playing Pokémon on the switch 😬) the other night expecting him to wake and scream when he realised I wasn’t there but he didn’t. I think once they know and expect you being there over a few week they chill out a bit then don’t realise you disappear.

Not sure what your wake up times are like either but we’ve just been through a massive reset where we woke baby up at 6:30am so he’s tired enough. First few days were absolute hell but now he’s so tired by bed time it take about 30-45mins instead of the 2+ hours before and he sleeps so much better through the night xxx

Thank you everyone for the messages. It’s helped just to write down how I’m feeling. The last thing I would want to do is hurt my kids. I am so devoted to them!

@Pr1mr0se im pretty sure it’s not wind. She’s just furious with me! I will try talking to her more while I’m settling her though. If I read I would have to put the light on - is that what you do?

@WhatWouldTheDoctorDo I do get what you’re saying and if I asked him to help he would. But she would only scream more for me so it wouldn’t really help me very much. And then I’d have to deal with him being a whingey bugger the next day. He does deal with toddler wakings when they happen. I do think it would be helpful to speak to him about how im feeling overnight even though he’s not going to be
falling over himself with offers to help!

@twizbe and @xxcatcatcatxx it sounds like your methods were completely different but both helped. Can you tell me what you did specifically? DD is able to self settle happily with me sitting in the corner of her room (I stay to give her comforter back) but then struggles to settle overnight. So in theory she should just sleep through the night… but clearly she’s not read the baby sleep sites!

Please consider controlled crying for night wakes if your mental health is being affected. I had an identical situation to what you're describing with my 10 month old and it radically improved within a few nights of controlled crying. 8/9 months is peak time for separation anxiety though so I might wait a few weeks. In the meantime you should get some ear plugs and get your partner doing some of the night wakes. Even if she screams more, she is still ok if she's with her dad, and your mental health deteriotsting is way more detrimental to her wellbeing overall. Good luck x

@Msmbc thank you for the advice. I do want to see how she does closer to ten months as I’m conscious that she is needing me even more at the moment so I don’t want to do CC right now. But you’re right that if my MH is deteriorating maybe I do need to consider it. My worry with it is that her crying seems to make me feel like I’m going mad, and if it doesn’t work quickly then I’m not sure that’s a better solution as I think I’d just feel worse. How long did it take with your DC at ten months?

It only took a few nights. What I would probably do in your shoes is get your partner to do it and be somewhere you can't hear. You could decide on a time in the night after which you will do one feed, e.g. after 2am, so go in for that but the rest of the time be in another room with ear plugs. I decided I would feed once no less than six hours after she went to sleep. After that dramatically cut down the night wakings I was then able to push that feed later.

It's so hard isn't it. I would be tempted to go out and let your partner manage. Go and do the food shop or something you sound trapped in a cycle of misery. You need time away from this xx

im pretty sure it’s not wind. She’s just furious with me! I will try talking to her more while I’m settling her though. If I read I would have to put the light on - is that what you do?

I didn't give mine any eye contact if they woke up at night (unless they were ill) - they only woke rarely though. I think the more you engage with them the more likely they will want to get up & play.

Can you do a dream feed around 11pm?

In this situation controlled crying sounds like the best option - no parent wants to do it but it has been shown in studies to reduce rates of PPD and improve maternal mental health. If you’re losing it with the crying and concerned you might hurt the baby then your mental health is the number one priority. Baby will survive and learn to settle and you will get some sanity back. I did CC when I was at the end of my tether with lack of sleep and it was a game changer even if the first few nights were tough

I often answer the same on these threads and feel like I am on commission for Sleepyheads. But that was my magical solution. My son was similar and would end up in our bed for most of the night almost permanently latched on and all of us in a weird not quite asleep state. Horrendous. Totally feel you on the being angry as well, except my anger seemed mostly directed at my husband for being so unable to help.

Came to a head this time last year, he was 8 months old which apparently is peak shit sleep time for babies. He woke 7 times for a feed on Christmas night. I was completely exhausted. I bought a Sleepyhead Grande (the big one for 8-36 months) secondhand in desperation and my god it was like an instant miracle. He was suddenly sleeping 7-4 straight through. Annoyingly he went through a phase of then being awake at 4am for an hour before having one last feed then going to sleep in the pram for another hour or two. Poor DH got the brunt of that, pushing him up and down the hall in the pram to get him to sleep. Eventually the 4am turned into 5am and we just decided it was better to call that morning than spend more energy trying to get him back down.

I wasn't against controlled crying, except that he shares a room with his sister who had just turned two and was a brilliant sleeper and I didn't want him waking her and having two problems to deal with.

Not sure if it was related, but I ended up with a fairly late diagnosis of PND a few weeks before that. I started taking sertraline and the rage subsided a lot.

We weaned him off the sleepyhead in the summer. Well, not really weaned cos it's all or nothing. But we got rid of it cos we were going on holiday and couldn't take it. He had a spell of slightly earlier starts but on the whole managed absolutely fine without it.

Good luck, it's bloody awful being in the middle of it.

Same as someone said above - I moved a mattress to the nursery floor. Put baby in bed as normal at bedtime, but if she woke I just got into bed with her in her room on the floor. It broke the cycle of her panicking about being left again in the night and constantly rewaking and it stopped me getting the rage. She sleeps through 99% of the time now and resettles if she wakes so it was just a phase.

OP i'm sorry, been there too. But you really must put your mental health first, above anything else. Talk to your doctor and ask for an assessment, these feelings are common, so get help.

Aside from that, I echo all the practical advice given above - especially the controlled crying or the bed on the floor. But I would urge you also to have an honest chat with your partner and ask for more help, if he's as nice as you say he is then he will need to step up for you. He might not do well on less sleep but neither are you- women are just used to muddling through it all because we always do! But that's not right and if it's leaving you feeling like you want to hurt baby. I'm sure partner doesn't know just how bad things are for you so please do tell him.

This isn't forever. Also one last thing - best advice i got when feeling overwhelmed with the crying was to make sure baby was in a safe place, and walk away. Have a hot drink, take some breaths, have a cry or whatever then try again.

Day sleep is critical for night sleep, if they are over or under tired that will affect it too. Routine plus a consistent settling method, and stick to it. Good luck, hopefully its just a blip. Mine was perfect until 8 months, then I created a routine and sleep trained, and there was no looking back 😴

i have two specific questions:

1. is there any chance she is sick eg ear or throat infection? Any teeth breaking through?
2. what is her full routine including feeds (milk and solids) over 24 hrs?

Like @TomorrowAndTomorrowAndTomorrow said it just took away that initial panic of mummy not being there which then wakes them completely.

literally just dismantled the sofa and used the big cushions to make a mattress right next to the cot. Got a single duvet and settled down. Whenever he woke up and grumbled I just stroked his back or something or held his little bean hand. After a few weeks I think I just did it on autpilot in my sleep.

I’m 100% against controlled crying sorry, don’t judge others if that’s what works for them. Our baby vomits if he cries and gets upset too much anyway so that was never an option for us xxx

How much sleep is she getting in the day? Our daughter went through an awful sleep phase for about eight weeks at that age, I definitely feel your pain. While your thoughts may have scared you, lots of equally loving (and safe) parents will have had similar thoughts at times.

For us working harder on napping made a big difference, she was in her side cot at the time, but we moved her fully into our bed which again helped. If she is arching etc and doesn’t have wind, does she react better it physical contact is given while she is in the cot?

I know you’re not getting rest at night, but are you getting enough rest in the day/early evening?