Settling techniques aren’t working at night, and I’m getting angry with my baby. Please help.

[Midnightmadnessmum]

Hello all. NC for obvious reasons. DD2 is 8 months old, and is definitely showing some signs of separation anxiety. She can settle to sleep by herself in her cot with a comforter, but likes me to be close by when she goes to sleep. Needing me around has definitely increased recently, but I don’t mind this at all.

She wakes 2-3 times a night, generally. When she wakes, I pick her up, feed her, rock her, try to put her back down. I’ve had to add the rocking in recently as she used to just fall asleep feeding which was fine. This process used to work pretty well but things have changed recently.

Firstly, with the feeding, she isn’t really taking any milk now. I find it quite uncomfortable as she’s just sucking and not feeding. It doesn’t get her back to sleep now either because she’s not really getting milk, and doesn’t even seem to make her sleepy. It just stops her crying for a few minutes.

Secondly with the rocking she is fighting me. Arching her back and screeching. I can rock her back to sleep still if I persevere, however.

Then when I put her down, she sometimes stays asleep or resettles in her cot (she seems to be better at this at around 5-6am, than in the middle of the night. Weird, I know.). However for her earlier wake she has been waking fully and then fighting her sleep for ages while I comfort her in the cot. Last night she woke at 11.40
and didn’t go back to sleep (and stay asleep) until 12.30. Ultimately I sat by her cot patting her a bit until she eventually fell asleep but it didn’t feel nice for either of us, and it doesn’t seem very effective. An hour seems like a long time to be awake as well, given her wakes used to be much quicker.

With the fighting and screaming, the night wakes are making me feel really angry. I’m having strong impulses to hurt my baby. Thoughts of smacking her etc. This is so, so unlike me, and it’s really scary. My older DD was a much worse sleeper and I didn’t feel this way. I don’t feel I can tell anyone about it. In case it needs saying: I don’t believe in smacking, I don’t hurt her, and more than anything I do not want to lose control. So far if I’ve gotten overwhelmed I have left the room, but I feel I am actively fighting myself to stay calm and I feel like I’m going a bit mad, to be honest.

Does anyone have any ideas, for settling her or managing how I’m feeling? I am living in hope that her sleep will naturally improve in the next few weeks with separation anxiety reducing. I
want to be able to comfort DD2 effectively in the night. At the moment I don’t feel able to help her and I think that is probably at the heart of my rage. But it’s not good for her or me and I need to make sure we are all safe. Thank you in advance for reading.

Oh wow, I just put her down for her second nap expecting for it to be tough as we’re not at home this afternoon. I sat outside the room ready to go in if she cried, but she grumbled/chatted to herself for a couple of minutes and played with her comforter, and has just gone off to sleep! She didn’t cry or sound distressed at all. I checked the monitor as it had been quiet for a couple of minutes and she’s out for the count! I can’t believe it! Maybe what she needs is a more hands off approach. I will persevere tonight and wake her at 3.30 for a 7.30 bedtime.

Havent read the full thread - if she’s not hungry why is she waking?? Light? Cold? I would be inclined to make absolutely sure those things are ticked off and tbh I’d probably not get her out of the cot. Is she in her own room? I’d give her 15 minutes before I went in. Good luck to you, this sounds really hard! You must be knackered. Don’t be harsh on yourself. Xxx

Fantastic news @Midnightmadnessmum she might just be a baby who likes a bit of space to get to sleep

@sjxoxo I honestly think she wakes because she likes the routine of being picked up and held and latching even if she’s not feeding. I’ve always gone straight to her and fed her, never waited to see if she would settle. So it’s just what she expects in the night. I’m confident it’s not environmental.

@LapinR0se thank you, we’ve had periods in the past where I had some success with just backing off. But at the moment she is sounding very cross in her cot while I sit in the corridor feeling sick.

I am doing controlled crying with fairly small intervals, so checking regularly. Is that spaced soothing? Just want to be sure there isn’t a more comforting way to do this.

Controlled crying = spaced soothing. It’s what you do when you go in that’s important. You pick your soothing technique and stick to it like glue

What time did she wake up from her lunchtime nap?

@LapinR0se thank you. When I go in I’ve been giving her comforter back, rubbing her back while saying some soothing words and giving her a kiss and leaving. Does that sound about right? I thought it was a quick in and out.

lunchtime nap she woke after only half an hour so I rocked her back to sleep as I didn’t want her to be overtired.

At bedtime it took 15 minutes for her to fall asleep. She was crying intermittently and quite cross but it wasn’t too bad. The tough bit will be when she wakes in the night and I’m absolutely dreading it.

As hard as it is, I would not rock her because she will get confused. Just do the settling you describe above (comforter, stroke, rub back)

@LapinR0se it is very hard. She slept last night until 4.35 without waking which was amazing. We tried the controlled crying until 5am and then I rocked her back to sleep. It was easier to rock her back to sleep than it’s been in a while, and she didn’t have any night feeds, which I’m taking as a positive. I think she fell back to sleep in my arms after another half hour so probably back down by 5.30.

If it had been 12am I’m confident she would have gotten back to sleep by herself and I would have persevered with controlled crying, but at 5am surely it’s just a bit pointless? I don’t want her to just be awake for the day at that time as she would be so tired. She slept until 7.40 (we are doing more of a 7.30-7.30 routine than 7-7 as it fits with our toddler better) and has just gone down for a nap now. She went to sleep after six very long minutes. She was much more upset going down this morning than for yesterday morning’s nap, so it felt really hard.

That is very good progress. 6 minutes feels long but it is nothing compared to hours unsettled at night

You’re doing very well @Midnightmadnessmum as it is very hard. Try not to confuse her though by doing controlled crying and then giving in to rocking. Consistency is helpful to her as it means she knows what to expect. You will have some days where she ends up not going back to sleep at all but these days are few and far between and she will also learn that crying at bedtime does not lead to rocking to sleep.

Well done for getting her to sleep in 6 minutes this morning. It may have felt like a long time but it really isn’t.

@LapinR0se DD has really improved with going down for sleep. She is mainly chattering to herself and going to sleep happily. But we have had two nights of her being awake 2+ hours in the middle of the night. Last night she wasn’t crying the whole time but at points was wide awake chatting to herself. I’m not sure where to go next. She obviously isn’t getting enough sleep like this, and nor am I!

How were the naps yesterday? It can take a while for a new routine to settle and consolidate night sleep. If she is awake in the night I would not go to her unless she is really crying

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it I know you don’t have to be helping me!

She woke at 7.10 yesterday. She had about 50 minutes in the morning (9.40-10.30) I woke her. Then in the afternoon 1.30-3.50. She woke up from that by herself. Then bedtime at 7.35.

She went down for her nap happily at 10am this morning (I woke her at 7.30), and I’m just about to get her up now.

The afternoon nap was very late. I’d wake her by 3pm regardless of how long she has slept. Anything after 3pm really interferes with nighttime sleep.
Today try a 1-3 nap and a 7pm bedtime.
good luck!!

Thanks @LapinR0se. She napped til I woke her at 10.45 then 1.40-3pm (I woke her) and went down at 7. She was shattered. Settled with no crying for both naps and at bedtime. Hopefully less day sleep will lead to better night sleep tonight.

Hi OP, I hope things are getting better. Not getting sleep is horrendous and it really takes its toll. It sounds like she may have been getting too much day sleep and has probably outgrown feeding to sleep and may be better with a more hands off approach.

She may benefit from learning how to self settle at this point, which does involve a bit of sleep training. I notice you have started CC, be patient and very consistent. Babe will find it easier to self settle than to resettle initially, which is why put downs are paying off already.

I follow Baby Sleep Consultant on Instagram and her tips/routines have been amazing! Her program was great as it involved a quiz to find baby's temperment to work out which sleep training is best. Hope you are both getting more sleep soon!

Sounds good @Midnightmadnessmum. Fingers crossed for a good night

@MatronicO6 thanks for your reply. Have you done CC? It wasn’t too bad for put downs. I think the longest she took to go to sleep was 15 minutes with only 12 minutes of on/off crying, and she hasn’t cried at all going down today. It’s just then she doesn’t seem to be able to settle at night! I don’t really mind if she wakes but it had gotten to the point where I couldn’t settle her. If she wakes and I can get her back to sleep quickly that works for me. Two hours awake in the night absolutely does not work for me though! It was painful waking her from naps today. I am really praying for a better night tonight.

Yes we did controlled crying as I worked out that was better for her temperment than CIO. The account I follow recommended starting off with small intervals and working up to longer spaces. But within a few days we would put her down and she was happy to be left to her own devices. Once that was established we began working on her resettling when she woke. Key to that for us was not going to her instantly. So kind of like controlled crying, when she woke crying we wouldn't go instantly, we waited a couple of mins before going and increased this time. Again that paid off pretty quick as well.

But as I said, making sure baby isn't getting too much day sleep is important, as they are meant to maintain sleep pressure for night. Our 8 month old naps for 2.5 hours during day. I know it hurts to wake them when sleeping, but if you stick to it they soon have their own little body clock.

Definitely have a look at BSC, I found her lying awake one sleep deprived night, she has lots of free advice. Programs are great and a way cheaper option than a sleep consultant, which we were considering at one point. Fingers crossed you have a more restful night!

How was the night @Midnightmadnessmum ?

@LapinR0se thanks for asking.

I don’t know if it was better or worse really! She woke very briefly at 10.40 and went back to sleep when I went to turn her back over and comfort her after 2 minutes. So that was a very quick wake and she may have settled herself if she’d been able to turn back over without me. Then she woke at 4, and she had done a poo so obviously was wide awake. I didn’t bother with controlled crying at 4am after a nappy change so I managed to rock her back to sleep by 5am. Put her down a few minutes later but she woke again at 5.40. It took less than ten minutes to get her back down again that time and then I woke her for the day 7.30 as a 7.30 bedtime works a lot better for me today.

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore. I’ve been up since 4am as the toddler woke early and I’m shattered.

Thank you. So you went to her after leaving her for a few minutes and then did you stay with her? Or go in and out. I will see if I can look at that account. I don’t have Instagram so I’m not sure if I can.

That reply was to @MatronicO6 , sorry!