Settling techniques aren’t working at night, and I’m getting angry with my baby. Please help.

[Midnightmadnessmum]

Hello all. NC for obvious reasons. DD2 is 8 months old, and is definitely showing some signs of separation anxiety. She can settle to sleep by herself in her cot with a comforter, but likes me to be close by when she goes to sleep. Needing me around has definitely increased recently, but I don’t mind this at all.

She wakes 2-3 times a night, generally. When she wakes, I pick her up, feed her, rock her, try to put her back down. I’ve had to add the rocking in recently as she used to just fall asleep feeding which was fine. This process used to work pretty well but things have changed recently.

Firstly, with the feeding, she isn’t really taking any milk now. I find it quite uncomfortable as she’s just sucking and not feeding. It doesn’t get her back to sleep now either because she’s not really getting milk, and doesn’t even seem to make her sleepy. It just stops her crying for a few minutes.

Secondly with the rocking she is fighting me. Arching her back and screeching. I can rock her back to sleep still if I persevere, however.

Then when I put her down, she sometimes stays asleep or resettles in her cot (she seems to be better at this at around 5-6am, than in the middle of the night. Weird, I know.). However for her earlier wake she has been waking fully and then fighting her sleep for ages while I comfort her in the cot. Last night she woke at 11.40
and didn’t go back to sleep (and stay asleep) until 12.30. Ultimately I sat by her cot patting her a bit until she eventually fell asleep but it didn’t feel nice for either of us, and it doesn’t seem very effective. An hour seems like a long time to be awake as well, given her wakes used to be much quicker.

With the fighting and screaming, the night wakes are making me feel really angry. I’m having strong impulses to hurt my baby. Thoughts of smacking her etc. This is so, so unlike me, and it’s really scary. My older DD was a much worse sleeper and I didn’t feel this way. I don’t feel I can tell anyone about it. In case it needs saying: I don’t believe in smacking, I don’t hurt her, and more than anything I do not want to lose control. So far if I’ve gotten overwhelmed I have left the room, but I feel I am actively fighting myself to stay calm and I feel like I’m going a bit mad, to be honest.

Does anyone have any ideas, for settling her or managing how I’m feeling? I am living in hope that her sleep will naturally improve in the next few weeks with separation anxiety reducing. I
want to be able to comfort DD2 effectively in the night. At the moment I don’t feel able to help her and I think that is probably at the heart of my rage. But it’s not good for her or me and I need to make sure we are all safe. Thank you in advance for reading.

@MatronicO6 thank you for your post. It’s frustrating the way studies about children who are chronically neglected are used to guilt mothers who are doing their best.

Whatever makes you feel good about it. But science is science.

Actually if Mum is struggling shenahouspnt suffer the first thing is Health visitor and appt with Gp.
Baby is being a baby it is not a problem that has to be "fixed".

Mothers expectations these days have been destroyed and high expectations thanks to social media and sleep "consultants".
These are all weatern constructs. My family back home in Africa don't do this and when I tell them they think I am joking. Mums ignore their babies in the wet they are baffles. We carry our babies and we respond quickly to distress.
All my family co-sleep and all the children are well adjusted bright and inteligent young children / adults now who are thriving.
It has been this way since the dawn of time. If that was the wrong way or bad then civilization would of crumbled early on. But what we do know is that mental health issues are on the rise in children in the west....ST/ignoring your child is a possible cause.

Sleeping through the night is developmental as well as self soothing....just as potty training and weaning. Do you force your LO with potty training. No. Same with sleep. They all got there eventually.

I was nor my 4 brothers were asleep trained and we all got there in our own time. Feom ages 1 - 2.5. My mother responded to out cries and never left us to "figure it out". When we were ready we slept without help and through the night.

Except Sears 'scientific' study has been undermined. The fact two leading researchers he cited, stated he was scientifically inappropriate to do do means it's not science. In fact there is no scientific studies that prove a negative impact from sleep training. But if you do want some science to give the alternate side, Dr Jodi Mindell PhD found that sleep training led to infants being more secure, less irritable and less crying. She also found it had no negative impact on breastfeeding.

Your opinion is based on your personal experience. You will seek to find information that backs up and supports your own beliefs. For instance there are plenty of scientific studies that show a link between co-sleeping and SIDS. But I would never call a co-sleeping mother neglectful or abusive based on this information, would you?

Moreover your personal experience does not mean that is the only way or even the right way to do something. My siblings and I were sleep trained and slept in cots from birth and guess what? We are all intelligent, empathetic, happy and thriving adults.

So maybe the take away should be, respect other parents are doing what is best for their child and their family and stop trying to tear other mother's down as being 'abusive,' for simply doing something different from you.

@Midnightmadnessmum

That's good news. It's better for everyone if they sleep at night 👍🏻

@MixedCouple My baby isn’t sleeping through and I’m not trying to force her. I respond to my baby. She is loved, cherished, and with me all the time. You don’t seem to have read the thread, but that’s fine. I’m glad you do what works for you, and that you and your family have been such successful parents. Hopefully I will be able to look back and say the same when my babies are grown. Luckily there are many routes to the same happy outcome.