What do you do when sleep training hasn’t worked?

[Nosleep2021]

DS is just awful. We are lucky to get 2/3 hours at the start of the night, wakes, then he refuses to go back in his cot. He isn’t hungry or anything - milk is offered and refused.

Since what he wants is to be picked up the sleep methods like Ferber don’t work.

I never thought I’d do CIO but I just can’t carry on like this. I’m depressed because of lack of sleep.

How old is he?

How old is he?

Have you tried bedsharing?

12 months. Yes, and bedsharing is horrendous. Still wakes constantly and he has to be right ON me, he sometimes stands up and then slams himself down onto me, climbing on me.

I get he wants closeness but I’m just desperate for some personal space and the longer it goes on the more resentful I feel.

Hi OP. How long have you stuck with sleep training for? It's 11 years ago now, but I did the Baby Whisperer with my dd. She basically says it does work for all babies. You just have to have a plan and stick with it. It takes some longer than others but it works. I would recommend giving it a go.

Maybe he has tummy ache? Food allergies? Would he sleep on a fold-out bed next to you?
Is he frightened of the dark/ his room?

Patience. I’ve been there with the sleep deprivation and a baby who won’t go in their cot. But the gentlest way is to give the baby what they need. To feel secure. Then slowly begin to encourage cot sleeping. The way you describe your baby now is one who is still learning that he’s safe and secure. You’re his security. He’s not ready to have that taken away at night. But yes it’s awful. The sleep deprivation is awful. Can your DH/P help? So baby only gets you every second wake up for example?

I really didn’t get on with the baby whisperer at all but it’s a while since I looked at it.

I’ve been desperately looking for a sort of toddler equivalent of a next to me crib but can’t find one.

He hasn’t had tummy ache for several months though surely?

Floor bed? Is it that he doesn’t like going in his cot? With a floor bed you could settle him on the floor and roll away once he’s asleep. If it’s the cot itself that’s upsetting him he might be less upset when he wakes up and quicker to resettle.

DD used to wake up, realise she was in her cot, grab the bars and bellow. I’d leg it upstairs, cuddle or feed her, transfer her back to the cot once she was down, she’d wake up, whole fucking process again till eventually she’d stay asleep for a while. It was driving me insane and I was getting a bad back from lying with her in my arms then getting up wonky to transfer her.

Took the cot apart after an awful night. Mattress on the floor, cleared the area around it so nothing unsafe. That night she woke up, sat quietly waiting for me, quick cuddle and straight back down.

She just bloody hated being in a cot/cage.

We don’t really have a second wake up though. I mean we do but really sleep ends at around half ten and only get back to sleep in the early hours of the morning - I mean like 4, 5 o clock. He won’t go back in his cot and if you take him to bed with you you get no sleep at all.

If my night was 22:30-23:00 up with baby then 2-230 up with baby then 4-430 up with baby that would be horrific but we’d cope. What we’ve got just feels completely dysfunctional.

I think everyone has a line in the sand and sleeping on the floor is mine. In any case he’d be crawling off.

Describe your day in terms of sleep, milk and food for baby.

It varies. Never makes a difference to night time sleep.

Okay that’s something. A good routine is likely to help.

@Nosleep2021

I think everyone has a line in the sand and sleeping on the floor is mine. In any case he’d be crawling off.

Mine is letting a baby cry it out. Hope you get answers you find helpful.

It won’t work miracles overnight but developing a routine will give you all some consistency as well as a chance to identify possible issues affecting night sleep.

What has been your approach so far to sleep training? Does he start off the night getting himself to sleep?

@AnneLovesGilbert mine too with crying but I also drew the line at a floor bed for so many practical reasons so I see where the OP is coming from on that too.

This is currently my 2 year old! We have tried everything, We have even been referred to a sleep expert. Just Like your DS Our DD goes down no problem at 7.30, Has a great routine leading up to bedtime but wakes at around 11pm and stays awake until 4/5 am..
Its completely exhausting and I have no words off wisdom buy I keep telling myself it can't last forever.

Does he nap? How and where and when?
How does he fall asleep? When he wakes up what do you do? What gets him back to sleep the quickest? It feels like there are possibly more than one issue to resolve and they may not all be resolvable at once.

I also agree that perhaps a firm day routine will give him the sense of separation between day and night. Then you can encourage him to fall asleep independently. Then you can nudge him towards connecting sleep cycles. None of it will happen overnight if the change is to be meaningful so you might have to unpick a number of things slowly.

Anne TBH I never thought I’d contemplate this and your snarky remark, given that I’m sat up in bed holding him now and will stay like this until about 4 am, shows you don’t really get how desperate I am. However I am really not seeing how sleeping on the bloody floor will help either of us.

I don’t think a routine makes any discernible difference. I have tried that before and it didn’t help. Tried cutting down on daytime naps and he screams at 2230. Tried increasing day naps and the same. Earlier bedtime, later bedtime, dream feed, it makes no difference.

I don’t know what to do which is why I’m contemplating CIO as I do think if DP wasn’t around I’d be looking to put him in temporary foster care. I’m THAT desperate.

And again with the sleep thing, I’ve let him fall asleep in his cot with me there but not holding him and it take a bit longer but he can do it. Still wakes up 2/3 hours later and refuses to go back down.

This is kind of what I mean - I’ve been trying to solve this problem for months and I’ve asked on here and I’ve ordered books and sleep aids and things that other people say work or help but nothing does.

I mean, even if we saw an improvement I’d say great but if anything he just keeps getting worse.

With leaving him to cry in sort of thinking at least i would get to stay in bed. I don’t know how I’ve got it so badly wrong.

Oh @Nosleep2021 I’ve really been there even with the foster comment in desperation. It’s heartbreaking when you love your baby so much but they won’t sleep. Tiredness is awful. Lots of handholding. I would say need to try a consistent routine for a week, maybe two, maybe three.

How does he nap in the day and for how long?

My little one js only 12 weeks but she has a projector on all night that makes the room a deep purple with lasers that twinkle like stars and a Ewan the sheep which plays music which she seems to like. Im in the same room with in a single bed but she's in the cot.

She was a complete pain in the ass to put to sleep a few weeks ago ( I'm talking 2.5 hours to get her to sleep as she would just wake up and cry every time I put her in the Moses basket.) since I've moved her into her own room and started putting her down at 7.30pm each night she is sleeping much longer and easier to put down and easier to settle when she does wake.

I think she was over stimulated when I was putting her to bed at 11.30 when I went to sleep even though she would nap on me downstairs.

Just a few ideas that might help. I really feel for you though sleep deprivations is hell!