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Sleep

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Original poster

Cry it out

265 replies

FannyTheFlamingo · 30/11/2017 06:45

Please can someone talk to me about the 'Cry it out' method? I am at my wits end. My relationship is falling apart and I'm so tired I can't see straight. I've tried everything, but my 1 yr old refuses to sleep anywhere but in my arms. Last night she didn't go to sleep till 10.30pm after screaming for 2 hours. She used to self settle in her cot up until about 10 months, and now if I as much as show her the cot she goes berserk and if I say the word 'bed' she starts crying. I know there's a few people on here that give really good advice, so I'm hoping someone can help!

OP posts:

jellymaker · 01/12/2017 12:48

OP, Glad you got there last night in the end. To answer your previous question about do you then get up in the night to them? I think it depends on your child and you. But once I decided that I wanted them to learn to get a full nights sleep, I stopped going back. I was awake and listening and responded if I felt I had to but after 2 or 3 nights or me not going back in, they started to sleep a full 12 hours.
I think that you need to teach sleep patterns because they are not all born knowing how to do it. Keep going and good luck for tonight!

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2017 12:52

"Who mentioned shagging?"

Oh, it always comes up in ant discussion where co sleeping is mentioned ! Usually with a veiled reference to being careful not to make him feel "pushed out. As if a) the only place you can have sex is in bed and b)men don't like sleeping cuddled up with their babies.

TittyGolightly · 01/12/2017 12:59

Tonight, it has saved my sanity and my relationship

I took a leap based on the assumption Bertrand outlined.

InDubiousBattle · 01/12/2017 13:56

Yes you did Titty and it's not a very nice one is it? A poster needs to get their toddler to sleep so the whole house can benefit is read as 'parents want to shag at the expense of their child's mental health'. Which is, of course bull shit.

crazycatlady5 · 01/12/2017 14:07

b)men don't like sleeping cuddled up with their babies.

Totally - my husband loves cuddling up to our daughter in the night!

Original poster

FannyTheFlamingo · 01/12/2017 14:08

How about you stop making assumptions and taking leaps then Titty and bugger off to your nail varnish drinking thread?! If the stability of my relationship was purely based on sex then it would've been a silly decision to have kids, no?

Anyways DD slept soundly until 5am, which has never happened. Could be a fluke, we'll see tonight.

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 01/12/2017 15:34

That's great. I was going to ask if she woke up in the night.

My DH is more for co-sleeping than i am! He misses the children so much in the week he wants to cuddle them in the night. I love co sleeping too. If only my dd would actually sleep it would be great. And we wouldn't be shagging even if the kids weren't there, as we are too tired.

Having said that it is normal to want to have intimacy and time with your partner and there are stresses on the relationship that a lot of people feel if they don't. Personally we only managed to be alone once in a year, and we were not getting on at all. I would have thought this would effect the dc way more than some measured sleep training.

Sipperskipper · 01/12/2017 15:48

Jesus, people on this thread are horrible! I’ve never felt the need to comment like this before, but wow. fanny hope it continues to work out for you.

The notion that if we dare consider our own needs as human beings we must be cruel, awful parents is damaging and ridiculous. Sleep is important to everyone - not just us as adults, but for our babies too. An overtired, sleep deprived baby is not a happy baby. Overtired, sleep deprived parents are not happy parents. Doesn’t sound like a hugely happy family to me. Why is it so shocking for people to want to try and do something about it?

pinkmummy1 · 01/12/2017 16:10

I'm so glad I found this thread. I'm in the same boat with my 10 month old.

Original poster

FannyTheFlamingo · 01/12/2017 16:12

Thank you Sippers. As I said, this really is a last resort for me, but a lot of sleep consultants use CC and there is a lot of evidence it works well. It worked last night. This afternoon's nap is a different story though - we've been going since 2.45 and she's still not asleep, but I know it won't be an overnight miracle.

And yes, I'd love to sleep in my own bed with DP for one night! It's been ages. He works 12 hour days so the 3 of us in the same bed every night really wasn't working. Sex would be a bonus, if I can remember how to do it! 😂

OP posts:

Sparrowlegs248 · 01/12/2017 20:05

How's it going Fanny?

bookworm14 · 01/12/2017 20:35

God, the sanctimonious anti-sleep training brigade really are the worst. Amazingly enough, co sleeping is not a magic solution that works for everyone in every situation. Wanting some of the evening to yourself, or needing more than two hours of uninterrupted sleep to function, does not make you cruel or selfish.

Good luck, OP - I hope you see some improvement soon.

Original poster

FannyTheFlamingo · 01/12/2017 21:25

She was asleep in 30 mins tonight, but that was because she missed her afternoon nap, because she cried until her dinner time, so I just took her out of the cot and fed her. I think I might not bother trying the CC for naps as well because it's a bit too much for both of us. She'll probably be down to 1 nap a day soon and if that's on me then it's a good excuse for me to nap too

I think I've averaged 5 hrs sleep a night for the past year and don't think I've had more than 3 hrs unbroken sleep. I'm sure people manage fine on that amount of sleep, but personally I think better quality sleep will help me be a better mother.

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 01/12/2017 23:15

Hope you have a restful night op

wheresthel1ght · 01/12/2017 23:37

@fannytheflamingo apologies I haven't read the full thread but having a 4 year old who hasn't slept through more than a dozen times since she was 8 months old I cam entirely sympathise. My dp (her dad) works nights so it doesn't cause us relationship issues in that sense but I do feel like I am losing my kind which causes issues.

I don't have the answer but I can offer some tips that might help or at least help you focus in on what is causing the issues.

Firstly, she is still a baby, whatever else please keep that in the forefront of your mind. My dd walked at 9 months so by a year old it felt like I had had a toddler forever and it was easy to forget that she was still a baby.

Next, she needs to feel safe and secure.

if she is into TV characters maybe try and help her choose some bedding, blankets etc so she feels like it is her room and her space.
try and make it a fun space. We started having play time in her room so she saw it as somewhere fun and not just somewhere she associates with fear
create soft lighting, my dd is terrified of the dark. But yellow light keeps them stimulated. Gro (who do the egg and clock) do a night light that you out into a normal bulb holder and then put the normal bulb into, first switch on turns the night light on and then you turn off and on to go to normal bulb. It is blue light and can be adjusted so you can start very bright and as she gets used to it turn it down etc. It has worked wonders.

Try and keep it stress free. Please don't do cry it out or controlled crying. She is frightened to be alone, you will make it worse and harder to rectify. I know because I did it and it was awful.

Find a routine, I can honestly recommend the book called "the rabbit who wanted to sleep" - it is a neurolinguistic book that basically helps to relax kids through a sort of hypnotic trance. We downloaded it on ibooks and let the phone /ipad read it as we found our voices over stimulated her. We would lay with her on the bed, at first until she was asleep and over a period of about 3 months we went from waiting til She was asleep and eventually could leave her as she was still awake.

We also have a CD player and put books on it or classical chillout album.

It is a very slow process but keep in mind that she is terrified and not deliberately trying to ruin your lives (and yes I know it's hard to focus on that and believe it).

Feel free to. Pm if you want to chat more

crazycatlady5 · 01/12/2017 23:47

That’s a lovely post @wheresthel1ght

Original poster

FannyTheFlamingo · 02/12/2017 07:35

@wheresthel1ght Thank you for your post, and there's a lot of good advice in it. As previously mentioned, I am using CC as a last resort. Whilst it's great to get other people's advice and experience, it's not really necessary to say 'please don't do x,y or z'. There is overwhelming evidence that CC works for some people and I think that's key here - it works for some people. The one thing I've learnt as a new mum, is that every baby really is different and what works for one, may not work for another.

My DD isn't even 13 months yet, she doesn't have favourite TV characters as she doesn't really watch much TV (not because I don't agree with it, she's just not that bothered about it), she likes her dummy and banging toys together, so I doubt she'll be interested in helping me pick out a new theme for her room! As for your other suggestions - soft lighting, routine, playing in room, classical music - we already do all of that. None of it stops her screaming blue murder as soon as she goes in her cot. I will definitely look into the book suggestion though, although she does almost drift off when I'm reading her any bedtime story.

I've started CC now, so I need to see it through. If it doesn't work, then I'll be seeking advice from a sleep consultant.

It's important that as parents, we can support one another, without judging choices we may not agree with. It doesn't help anyone, when as a sleep deprived mum, you're being told what you're doing is akin to child abuse (Titty). That's perhaps something she should take up with the dozens of Health Visitors and sleep consultants that recommend it, not a knackered mum, doing her best to help her child sleep and keep her family together.

OP posts:

LapinR0se · 02/12/2017 07:42

Well said OP. You are doing absolutely the right thing for your baby and family.

wheresthel1ght · 02/12/2017 07:51

Then you need to be looking at why she is screaming. Cry it out and controlled crying is no recommended by any sleep consultant worth their salt. It is a torturous out dated method that does far more harm than good.

You are essentially punishing her for 1) being scared and 2) for decisions you made about how you would get her to sleep when she was younger.

BertrandRussell · 02/12/2017 07:55

Flamingo- I'm not going to comment on CC-I don't agree with it but you've made your decision.

But the risk of upsetting you, it does worry me that you are doing something that you obviously don't feel entirely happy with, hence the thread, because you want to "save your relationship" and "keep your family together". If having a 12 month old bad sleeper feel like a threat to your relationship and your family maybe you ought to be thinking about other issues?

InDubiousBattle · 02/12/2017 07:57

torturous! Get a grip.

HelloSquirrels · 02/12/2017 08:03

If it’s nasty to want defenceless babies to have their basic needs met and not taught that they will be ignored then sign me up

Funny because two main needs babies have are sleep, and having a happy well rested attentive parent. You cant meet a babies needs well on 0 sleep.

My 18 month old is like a different child when hes over tired. I am a much better parent when i have not been up all night.

Different methods work for different children. Get off your high horse.

HelloSquirrels · 02/12/2017 08:09

bertrand when ds was bad at sleeping (sort of 2 months solid) id say our relationship suffered a hell of a lot. We were both knackered, crabby, couldn't be arsed doing anything together even talking sometimes because we were both dead on our feet and dealing with a crabby sleep deprived toddler who just didn't know what to do with himself.

Before and after that our relationship has been fine. If you cant cope with little sleep (we both definitely cant and its a big factor in why i only ever wanted 1 child) it can have a huge impact on your relationship, and your life, even if there's no underlying issues.

crazycatlady5 · 02/12/2017 08:28

Get off your high horse.

Such an overused statement.

A lot of people say CC is a last resort to get sleep, but it’s not. There are still other things that can be done if you think outside of the box. Such as ditching the cot and getting a floor bed, if you don’t like cosleeping. Baby still goes to sleep where they stay asleep. Go to bed earlier than normal - it’s not forever.

HelloSquirrels · 02/12/2017 08:42

Its a valid statement. Nobody is a better parent because they didn't sleep train?

Believe me i went to bed early for most of that time. Broken sleep is still awful.

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