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Cry it out

265 replies

FannyTheFlamingo · 30/11/2017 06:45

Please can someone talk to me about the 'Cry it out' method? I am at my wits end. My relationship is falling apart and I'm so tired I can't see straight. I've tried everything, but my 1 yr old refuses to sleep anywhere but in my arms. Last night she didn't go to sleep till 10.30pm after screaming for 2 hours. She used to self settle in her cot up until about 10 months, and now if I as much as show her the cot she goes berserk and if I say the word 'bed' she starts crying. I know there's a few people on here that give really good advice, so I'm hoping someone can help!

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MrsKoala · 30/11/2017 17:54

That’s so positive, that means she can do it if she tries. Hopefully it’s just a case of reminding her. I’ll be sending strong thoughts your way tonight.

Btw I just spoke to the sleep consultant and have booked a phone consultation next week. So thank you for starting this thread.

Good luck tonight. Flowers

jellymaker · 30/11/2017 17:57

I did this with both of mine. It took 3 nights with DC1 and 2 nights with DC2. You just need to be brave and leave them to it. I wouldn't advise gradual withdrawal or going back in after so many minutes. Just settle them and then walk away. It is far more painful for you then it is for them. I sat on the bed in my room and cried with my first but it is SO worth it. Once they know that you are not coming back, they settle down. It will transform them and you. Mine are 13 and 10 now. great kids - in no way traumatised by this. Babies know that you love them

PineappleScrunchie · 30/11/2017 18:04

My question about CC or the gradual retreat is what if they are hysterical as soon as they are put into the cot? The premis always starts with a happy snoozy baby. But what if you can't start at that point? Do you just sit next to them while they scream and rage at you wondering why you aren't picking them up?

Yes.
Because let’s face it, if you had a happy drowsy baby then you probably wouldn’t need to sleep train!

I think all the effective methods require some crying, you just have to go with what you can tolerate. Personally I prefer being in the room at first so they feel less abandoned so I’d choose gr over cio/cc. Whatever you do they are going to be pissed off though and will probably have a cry about it.

Discotits · 30/11/2017 18:08

How would co sleeping work though if you didn’t want to go to sleep with them at 7? Genuine question.

I found mine slept better after I stopped BFing at 11 months.

PineappleScrunchie · 30/11/2017 18:09

This thread gives really detailed instructions about what gradual retreat will entail. I saw a massive improvement from the first night though, it didn’t take 10 days.

TittyGolightly · 30/11/2017 18:18

With us it's all wrapped up with bfing. I think once we break that association we have a fighting chance.

DH will not do it. But i am seriously dangerous now. I haven't slept for over a year and i am losing it. I've contacted the sleep consultant above

From your many previous threads, I don’t think this is going to fix all of your issues, sonehow.

TittyGolightly · 30/11/2017 18:19

How would co sleeping work though if you didn’t want to go to sleep with them at 7? Genuine question.

DD was never in bed before 10pm unless she was ill. Made things much easier.

MrsKoala · 30/11/2017 18:27

Really Titty - what other issues am i hoping it will fix?

RebeccaNoodles · 30/11/2017 19:20

Hi OP - I forgot to say. It seems really unusual if she could self settle at 10 months and now can't. That was why I suggested pro help ... whatever you do I really hope you find something. I've not done CC, but I did read somewhere that the worst possible thing to do is to start it and then give up. So you'd need to be fully mentally prepared. It's so hard when you're exhausted!

BrewWineCake

TittyGolightly · 30/11/2017 19:28

I've not done CC, but I did read somewhere that the worst possible thing to do is to start it and then give up.

Hideous.

FannyTheFlamingo · 30/11/2017 19:35

Well I'm on 9 minutes now and she hasn't stopped crying, won't let me soothe her and has got out of her sleeping bag! It's going well Confused

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Howsthings1234 · 30/11/2017 19:40

My daughter is 16 months and in the end we did controlled crying as we found that going in to settle her actually didn't help. She would stop crying when we picked her up to cuddle her and then quickly cry the second we went to put her down and get so worked up screaming and it got out of control as the only option would be to stay in her room all night which we were not prepared to do.

You feel a bit cruel at first of course as no one wants to listen to their baby cry but it's made a massive difference for us as she now may cry out in the night but rarely for longer than a minute or two and then settles herself.

As someone else says you do need to be consistent. When they are ill it all goes out of the window so just last week we had to reestablish it all over again which is tough but I can hand on heart say it's worth it.

Because our daughter has a tendency to go for it with screaming and get very worked up we found the best method was not going in at all. She has actually never cried for longer than 10-15 mins even when it sounds horrendous, it's not really that long.

Not knowing the temperament of your daughter i don't know if not going in at all or doing the method of extending the time would be best. I put a few extra dummies in the cot too as she also has a tendency to throw them at times to get us back in the room. She also sleeps with a couple of comforter type toys.

MrsKoala · 30/11/2017 19:51

Howsthings - not going in at all isn't controlled crying, it's cry it out isn't it? They are different. Lots of people will do CC and not CIO.

MrsKoala · 30/11/2017 19:53

Poor you OP. Stay strong. It feels terrible I know.

We bought a MyHUmmy teddy last week. That hasn't made any difference yet, but my friends 9 month old loves it and has gone from waking every 2hrs to only once in the middle of the night.

FannyTheFlamingo · 30/11/2017 19:53

She's generally a really happy girl and this bedtime fiasco is a new thing, made worse because she had a really bad bug so I had to sleep with her for 4 nights. She has started to be a bit of a diva though and cries if she doesn't get her own way, and I honestly think this is just her demanding to sleep with me. I'm not going to give up tonight though, and I'll give it a week. If it doesn't work then I'll have to seek professional advice.

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FannyTheFlamingo · 30/11/2017 20:03

I have a question if anyone who's done this knows....what happens when she wakes I'm the night and won't settle? Do I do this again in the middle of the night?

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MrsKoala · 30/11/2017 20:07

I think so. All the things i've read say you follow the same pattern. Offer a sip of water maybe in case it's thirst, but no milk (or biscuits - thanks Mum! My Mum started doing this with ds2 whenever he stayed over, she used to take him downstairs and give him biscuits and tv and we were wondering why he kept waking!!).

FannyTheFlamingo · 30/11/2017 20:10

DP took her into the living room and let her watch TV last night while I was at the gym! He suggested putting a TV in her room. I'm open to any suggestions, but not a TV for a 1 yr old!

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hiddenmnetter · 30/11/2017 20:14

We did controlled crying but it was a bit much for our fraught exhausted nerves at the point we did it (after months of little sleep). My MIL came and did the first few nights, after which we carried on.

First night: bed time routine (bath, book, etc) then breast fed till drowsy, and put in her cot. Told "we love you, go to sleep" and left the room with her crying immediately.

We fled the apartment. MIL made of sterner stuff remained behind and set a timer. Listened to her crying for 2 minutes, then went up, said "shhh, go to sleep, I love you", would touch her chest to make sure she hadn't vomited and to be reassured by a physical touch and walked out again. Then did it again every 5 minutes. After 28 minutes she went down. MIL slept in our room with her that night and through the night when she woke repeated the same thing.

2nd night, same again, only took 15 minutes.

3rd night, same again, took 5 minutes.

After that we carried on- sometimes she would go down with only a few minutes crying, sometimes upwards of 10 minutes. Kept to the same routine. By the 4th day she was sleeping 12 hours through.

Now, at 2 and a half she sleeps 12-13 hours/night with another 1.5-3 hour nap in the day. She goes to sleep each night with a book and a song before bed, and doesn't cry and will sometimes muck about in bed but generally down at between 7 and 7:30 and will sleep till 7-8 in the morning.

This worked because MIL was very close to her from the start, but for #2 on the way we will definitely do the same again. If you don't have someone else who can do it for you, you just have to harden your heart to the cries and remind yourself it's for their good. I am shocked now when I look at her baby photos from 4-5 months and see the huge black circles around her eyes. She was exhausted as well and clearly wanted to sleep. Best parenting decision we made so far.

MrsKoala · 30/11/2017 20:19

It's so hard isn't it. No one wants to hear them cry, but desperation and tiredness is a powerful driver.

We've just been far too accommodating. Everyone said don't sleep train before 6months, so we didn't. Then we were told with DD that advice was now 1 year. And then the pattern is set and it's so much harder to break. I've become quite hard to her cries tho now - as she cries all day too. I have to just get on with it so she is just left trailing after me crying. DH is horrified when he's home. He says why aren't you picking her up? Why aren't you soothing her? She is just a little baby. And i feel like i must be a cow. But often i am past caring. Especially at 7pm.

Is she still crying OP?

hiddenmnetter · 30/11/2017 20:20

Oh and the first night we left the apartment DW was in tears and I wasn't far off. ran to the pub and had a few drinks. The whole evening (we didn't go back for about 2 hours- was the first time we'd had together since DD was born) we were doubting what we'd done but it was, without a doubt, the best thing we could have done. She is a happy, sunny and sweet little girl whose mood noticeably sours when she's tired. No wonder she'd been such a rat all those months. She was shattered.

MrsKoala · 30/11/2017 20:22

Wow Hidden, your MIL is a legend! That sounds amazing. My Mum just says 'oh i'd kill myself if i had your kids' and then pisses herself laughing. Hmm

TittyGolightly · 30/11/2017 20:22

I honestly think this is just her demanding to sleep with me.

What a diva. Doesn’t she realise only grown adults with developed emotional regulation are allowed to have he comfort of sleeping with another human? Babies should learn their place, right? Demanding little madam.

[/sarcasm]

crazycatlady5 · 30/11/2017 20:23

@Discotits why do you think you need to go to bed when you’re baby does if you cosleep?

I feed my 10 month old lying down and when she’s asleep I put the video monitor on. If she wakes, I go to her before she moves around on the bed (there’s a bed guard on her side). Really simple - no bedtime battles and no screaming baby.

TittyGolightly · 30/11/2017 20:24

He says why aren't you picking her up? Why aren't you soothing her?

Child psychologists would (will?) probably ask you the same in future.