Why do some people judge co-sleeping so much?

[RedPandaMama]

Particularly my mum, grandmother and other similar age (45-70) adults. I've been told I 'just need to persevere with the cot', that I've 'made a fatal mistake', that 'babies have cots for a reason' and that she'll 'be in my bed til she's 9' like my auntie's daughter.

I'm just getting a bit sick of it to be honest! DD is 10 weeks old and I feel like as my daughter it shouldnt matter to anyone but us where she sleeps! She cries when put down alone in her next to me side sleeper, so we started co-sleeping. And doing this she's got herself into her own sort of routine. It's easy to breastfeed, no more back pain. We both get a tonne of sleep (between 8 and 12 hours) and we're both happy with it. She wants to be near me and I adore sleeping with her.

It's all done extremely safely and she has her own space. Maybe in a few months I'll re-evaluate and obviously it means DP and I have zero intimacy at the moment, but for now it works for us, he doesn't mind, she's so little and if it makes her happy we don't feel we're 'spoiling' her by co-sleeping (another comment I've had!)

Has anyone else experienced this kind of reaction? What do you do to stop it? Or should I just suck it up? I'm just so frustrated!

I am in that group too and have a ten year old, however I was very happy to take from more experienced people with all three of mine.
Depends on what you think is experienced. Someone who's brought up, say, 4 kids has experience, but that experience is limited to their own children and does not apply to all children on this planet.
Besides, advice changes. Most new parents are looking for advice, they just aren't asking their parents and pil. With good reason.

Depends on what you think is experienced.

Couldn’t agree more, just because someone has had 4 kids doesn’t mean they are the fountain of all knowledge about children! They’re not all textbook babies!

IME people who advise against co-sleeping have never done it with their own DC. My FIL, who did fuck all with his own DC, was the first person to comment. People are most vocal against the things they don't know anything about.

Ten out if ten for the most patronising post so far, teaandbiscuits. You do realise advice changes all the time, don't you? I do wonder how those posters who are so convinced they are doing everything right will feel when their daughters scoff at them in 25/35 years time,? Probably by then, we will be back onto scheduled feeds and crying it out. Your views will be woefully uninformed nonsense then - how would that make you feel?

I wasn’t being patronising. I fully expect my kids to parent differently and I hope they make their own minds up following the most up to date research that they have available to them.

I’m not so arrogant as to think I’ve ‘got it right’; I merely do what works for my family having tried to make the most informed decisions that I can. That also means balancing the risks and benefits of all of my choices.

And they were woefully uninformed about breastfeeding and sleep. Most of the so called ‘experts’ of the time and there advice that was given was opinion with little scientific backing.

*the advice that was given

I think it was the phrases 'woefully uninformed' and 'nonsense' that riled me. You might expect your children to parent differently to you. But I don't suppose you will take kindly to being told the methods you used were woefully uninformed nonsense?

OP my DS2 is also 10 weeks old and I have been using a combination of a side sleeper and co-sleeping since birth. I also did this with DS1 but worried endlessly about it. Upshot is DS1 is now 2.5 and sleeps in his own room, in his own bed, and very rarely wakes in the night. I believe this is because he is an extremely secure little boy who benefitted greatly from co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding. I am much less worried this time around and intend to enjoy baby snuggles for as long as I can! Reckon you should ignore anyone who questions what you are doing, you sound like you're doing a great job!

Cathf I highly doubt with the actual scientific findings of crying it out and the damage stress causes to the developing brain, it will ever be the norm again.

Leaving your baby alone to scream causes them stress and it’s negligent it really is.

They were wrongly informed, regularly told it was normal to not have enough milk supply for your baby. Oh what about front sleeping? Changing that alone there was ample evidence that reduced sids dramatically. My mother is not that old and had 80s/90s kids and that was the advice she was spoon fed.

Nobody is saying that they are experts and don’t seek advice in family friends and other mums. What most take offence to is that others often hand out advice like it’s gospel without being fully informed.

What I’m reading throughout this thread from most is a very reasonable “do what’s right for your family but be informed and risk assess” most parents do that without question as they want what’s best for their children.

But I don't suppose you will take kindly to being told the methods you used were woefully uninformed nonsense?

I assume we will all have to brace ourselves for that! Some things that are standard in parenting nowadays will be frowned upon and called nonsense in the future. My generation will struggle with parenting advice in 30 years' time just like older people struggle today. Yet most people follow the official advice because we all just want to do our best, so I think there's no need for the older generation to be snippy to the younger generation and vice versa.

I couldn't sleep if I followed the safe co-sleeping guidelines - I need to snuggle into a duvet and lots of pillows

OP - to be fair, if one of your relatives is still co-sleeping with their 9yo then they are perhaps justified in being concerned that you will end up in the same place

Ignore them OP. Too many children cosleeping around the world and grow up completely fine. Your child, your rules.

Bertram I agree. I really hope my kids won’t follow my advice if it’s proven in 30 years time to be dangerous/bad for the child’s health just for fear of upsetting the older generation! That would be very arrogant! I’m happy to listen to my mum’s experiences but if she tries to give me out of date advice, I call her out on it and I hope that my kids will do the same in the future. I’d much rather be a bit grumpy and embarrassed then then follow anything that they don’t think is right for their families.

How do babies sleep now, I better get ready for future grand children

With our 3 we have been through every combination of sleeping positions, bumpers, no bumpers, allow to cry for a BIT, not at all, snugglebabe, no snugglebabe .... and on it goes.
We have to constantly change with new research and technology.
Just 26 years ago breast pumps were barbaric
I didn't sleep for the first 6 months with ds1 at that time he fit the criteria for high risk "cot death" back then. It was awful, I'll never forget it.
We know so much more now, maybe not enough yet, but we need to be positive about being told our methods were wrong.

When my second was a newborn he wouldn't sleep unless he was upright for ages after a feed as I had a fast letdown which meant he swallowed a lot of air . Twice I fell asleep briefly whilst holding him propped up on a pillow (unplanned co-sleeping). This is not safe co-sleeping, but if something had happened I would have gone down in the stats as a breastfeeding, non drug taking mother.

I also did planned bed sharing. This is much safer, and when you do it, it instinctively feels safer, too. As far as I'm aware, most studies haven't distinguished between planned and unplanned bed sharing.

* I do wonder how those posters who are so convinced they are doing everything right will feel when their daughters scoff at them in 25/35 years time,? Probably by then, we will be back onto scheduled feeds and crying it out. Your views will be woefully uninformed nonsense then - how would that make you feel?*

With my daughter I used a form of controlled crying and scheduled feeds. With my boy he was fed on demand and he is picked up as soon as he cries and he rarely sleeps alone. I am quite happy to admit that the way I am doing things know feels right to me and has made parenting easier and less stressful. I tried my best with my daughter but do feel like I made it harder for me and her than I needed to. It does make me feel guilty but I genuinely did what I thought was best.

In terms of how to stop comments, just tell your relatives that they have made their point, they raised their baby their way and you will raise yours your way and there's nothing further to discuss. Repeat until they stop or leave the room if they don't.

We shared a family bed until the kids were 4 years old or so.

I would never have thought to mention to anyone our sleeping arrangements. Not a topic for discussion.

Ideally I just wouldn't talk about our sleeping arrangements, but DP is working away a lot (new job has to go away for training Monday-Friday every few weeks) and to help me out I've been staying at my parents as my sister still lives at home so she's helping me with the baby. As I didn't bother bringing the side sleeper (wouldn't fit in the car with everything else and she barely goes in it except as a safe place to stay while I shower) they've been asking about how we sleep and that's how it started.

Funny thing is they've also commented on how well I look, how much sleep they/I get and how they've never heard her cry at night (she doesn't at all, because she's comfortable in with me)... yet they still criticise and go on about how she HAS to sleep on her own otherwise it'll be forever and I'm ruining her independence etc.

@RedPandaMama you know better than that OP.

Yes my little one doesn’t sleep through and often people are asking how I dont look as though I’m falling apart etc, and also comment on how happy she is all the time and hardly cries.

It’s all related I think x

OP I was in a similar situation when my DD was born - husband away all week so my mum used to come and stay. We all slept so well, never heard a peep from her but it was totally wrong because she wasn’t in a cot!

She doesn’t mention it now with DS. She just enjoys the peaceful nights!