Why do some people judge co-sleeping so much?

[RedPandaMama]

Particularly my mum, grandmother and other similar age (45-70) adults. I've been told I 'just need to persevere with the cot', that I've 'made a fatal mistake', that 'babies have cots for a reason' and that she'll 'be in my bed til she's 9' like my auntie's daughter.

I'm just getting a bit sick of it to be honest! DD is 10 weeks old and I feel like as my daughter it shouldnt matter to anyone but us where she sleeps! She cries when put down alone in her next to me side sleeper, so we started co-sleeping. And doing this she's got herself into her own sort of routine. It's easy to breastfeed, no more back pain. We both get a tonne of sleep (between 8 and 12 hours) and we're both happy with it. She wants to be near me and I adore sleeping with her.

It's all done extremely safely and she has her own space. Maybe in a few months I'll re-evaluate and obviously it means DP and I have zero intimacy at the moment, but for now it works for us, he doesn't mind, she's so little and if it makes her happy we don't feel we're 'spoiling' her by co-sleeping (another comment I've had!)

Has anyone else experienced this kind of reaction? What do you do to stop it? Or should I just suck it up? I'm just so frustrated!

Cosleeping is not the end of your sex life. Until baby is six months they should not be left alone when sleeping but after that you can leave in your bed (mattress on the floor) and go into another room.

Just tell them you have sex in the kitchen.

I think SO many people co-sleep and call it something else. 'She gets in with us in the night' or 'I sometimes drop off getting him back to sleep'

Completely agree with this!

It’s like everything else to do with babies- everyone has an opinion. If it upsets you, don’t tell people.

On the “co-sleeping ruins marriages” thing, I can see how this could be the case if the husband was unhappy about the situation and co-sleeping wasn’t a joint decision. But surely most people decide these things together?

We co-slept with a bednest for first six months and then she would come into our bed at some point over night from six months to two years from her cot in another room. Husband totally fine about it as just wanted to sleep so whatever meant she was asleep and not crying was good! Never had any sleep problems since then, unless ill, and she would never dream of coming into our bed now at nearly 4- much prefers her own!

My mum and MIL very supportive - MIL in particular was very much of the 'do whatever works' rather than 'do what I did' mould.

Obviously sex doesn't need to happen in your bed at 10pm!

A baby in our wider family died when in the parental bed. Not scaremongering, it happened. For that reason alone I would never cosleep and I don't think anyone in my family would either.

No advice for you OP but the amount of crap I got from family (mum, dad, family friends, aunts, uncles) because DD was still in our room at 4 months was unbelievable. We didn't even co-sleep, she was sleeping through and I explained the 6 month guidelines at least 50 times but all I got was "it's ridiculous she's still in your room, she'll be in there forever now etc"

If we have another I'm not saying anything other than what they want to hear.

I didn't want to or intend to co-sleep, but my babies had other ideas!

HV and midwife both very anti bed sharing, but strangely enough didn't have any other suggestions as to how we could all get some sleep.

But agree just don't tell people.

Unless they are going to help you in the middle of the night when your baby / child is awake again then I really don’t think they get a say.

I co-slept with mine, it made my life easier and that’s all that mattered to me. Both are now in their own rooms and neither of them liked the cot. My 18month Old is currently sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I can only imagine the comments I’d get if I told everyone!

There is definitely a very strong anti-bedsharing attitude that is passed in to new parents. I know it is mainly due to the SIDS guidelines, but research also suggests that breastfed babies are less likely to die from SIDS. In my personal experience, breastfeeding without co-sleeping was impossible. I was too scared to co-sleep with DC 1 but she took ages to feed and wanted to feed lots in the night. I couldn't manage on no sleep and ended up combination feeding until I went to FF at 3 months.

I really wanted to BF DC2 longer so I decided to give co-sleeping a go. She also fed a lot during the night but I could sleep while she fed. I was so much better rested because of it.

I think a lot of the negativity in my Mum's generation about co-sleeping comes from the fads for baby-care that were around at her time, eg 4-hourly feeding, babies in prams at the bottom of the garden. I think until the second half of the 20th century, bedsharing was still the norm for many parents.

A baby in our wider family died when in the parental bed. Not scaremongering, it happened. For that reason alone I would never cosleep and I don't think anyone in my family would either

I'm sorry that happened in your family.

But my understanding is that that is far more likely when co-sleeping isn't planned for properly e.g when people fall asleep while feeding. Or when a parent has been drinking or is ill. That's what the research says AFAIK.

A pp mentioned sleeping in a particular protective way around her child and that was my experience. A paediatrician I spoke to said it's well documented and actually just that - protective i.e actively helpful.

cuddlymunchkin, I'm sorry that happened, but I assume it happened either co-sleeping or not, or there must have been a reason.
I had enough sleep during the night even we woke up during the night to breast feed. It was just so reassuring to see my baby sleeping peacefully right next to me. It was my first and only, so I bought baby monitor thingy to put under his bed, but didn't need to use it since he was right next to me.

I’m co-sleeping with my baby and I love it! I get much more rest and sleep than when I had to sit up, pick him up out of his crib, then settle him back down etc. Now I just help him latch on and go back to sleep.

Co-sleeping is the norm in the majority of countries! Just not here, where there is such an over focus on establishing independence at such an early age. I don’t hide that I co sleep at all and will openly tell friends / family this is what I’m doing. I think it’s sort of like public breastfeeding - the more it’s talked about (or seen - with breastfeeding) the more normal it becomes. To be honest though, I haven’t been met with many negative comments, more just neutral ones or jokes about how he will be in my bed forever.

My baby is extremely chilled out and easygoing and I do feel that in part the closeness and security of co-sleeping has likely contributed to that.

Do what works for you!

I foster mums and babies and co-sleeping is really frowned upon from a child protection point of view as babies have died when parents have rolled on them in the night or been suffocated under hot duvets they can’t get out from underneath. It is often a contributing factor to a looked after child being removed from parents.

I've coslept with both of mine. Still do. Age 4 and 20 months. They don't like being alone.

The plan is, give the little one a bit longer, till he's less excitable at bedtime, and reliably sleeps through, then put them in a bed together. So they can cuddle and comfort each other. They are already starting to do this, so I'm hopeful it will work.

That does mean DH will have to move back into my bed, and he snores and farts. So not really looking forward to that.

I didn't co-sleep with mine, both needed their own space to settle and sleep well, so thats what worked for us
I wouldn't in a million years presume that because that worked for us that would work for everyone - with a 10 week old baby, you do what you can to get as much sleep as you both can - and if you're getting 8-12 hours by co-sleeping, and you're doing it safely, then thats what you should keep doing.
Some of the older generation don't get it as it wasn't done in their day, but saying "yes auntie dot, a lot of things have changed since your time" should remind them to mind their own business

I co slept with my daughter until she was 12 weeks. I would start the night with her in a sleepyhead, but once she woke up, I would bf and generally she would then stay with me in the bed. It turned out she has terrible reflux which is why she hated to be lying flat, but aside from that, I also think she wanted the comfort of being with me. I also loved it! I was extremely paranoid about SIDS and did everything I could to ensure she was sleeping as safely as possible next to me. As a consequence I don’t think I actually slept very well, but she did! I think you should do what works for you and enjoy all the cuddles.but equally you have to take responsibility for the risks you are taking. What amazed me was that other mums never admitted to it when I confessed that I felt a bit guilty about co-sleeping and was seeking their advice and not their judgement; but then months later it turned out pretty much all the mums I knew had been doing the same thing the whole time! Just a word of warning.. You’ll find once your baby hits around 4 months that they go through a significant sleep regression and at this time they really start to learn bad habits which are hard to break. Therefore I would say enjoy co sleeping now, but do try to think about what routine you want to work towards before this stage and start thinking about how you will achieve it. I put my daughter in her cot and nursery at 3 months and she adapted extremely well to it. Also lots of babies start to sleep through the night at this stage too, and your co sleeping may actually prevent that as they are bigger and you may disturb each other.

I foster mums and babies and co-sleeping is really frowned upon from a child protection point of view as babies have died when parents have rolled on them in the night or been suffocated under hot duvets they can’t get out from underneath. It is often a contributing factor to a looked after child being removed from parents.

You’ll find once your baby hits around 4 months that they go through a significant sleep regression and at this time they really start to learn bad habits which are hard to break. Therefore I would say enjoy co sleeping now, but do try to think about what routine you want to work towards before this stage and start thinking about how you will achieve it.

Utter bollocks.

Fragglewump, I think I have read somewhere that it does happen, but it's most likely the reason is the parents being under influence of alcohol,etc.

Babies have cots for a reason oh this doesn’t half make me laugh. So they had cots in caveman days did they? Absolute nonsense. Also millions of people in the world don’t have cots and they get on just fine.

You’ll find once your baby hits around 4 months that they go through a significant sleep regression and at this time they really start to learn bad habits which are hard to break. Therefore I would say enjoy co sleeping now, but do try to think about what routine you want to work towards before this stage and start thinking about how you will achieve it.

Utter bollocks.

beansbananas, it was just your experience with your dc. Mine was perfectly fine sleeping with me 2+ years and moving on to his own bed.
And we didn't have no problem at all, tbh. I can't think of any bad habits have being formed because of co-sleeping after 3/4 months.

yesichangedforthis iv co slept with my wee boy for 2 1/2 yrs and I’m 8mths pregnant. Bf killed my libido the co sleeping did not we just got inventive on sexy time and I have a great relationship with my partner and my wee boy. I don’t agree even slightly. Oh and the cheating stuff you follow up with is apologist bs. If your partner is sticking his wick in someone else it’s little to do with sleeping arrangements as sleeping arrangements are just that.......for sleeping .

Oh and the SIDS guidelines need a long hard look at as the studies are completely inadequate.

I’m sorry for your loss cuddly . It was a really vague statement though. In every sids type death iv looked into there has always been more to it than baby put to bed fine then baby not fine.

I also second co sleeping position as a mum I was very aware of my baby and the slightest change even in their breathing woke me. I developed this odd curved round them that gave them ample space but allowed me to be close. I’d check their temp often and slept with a very light tog duvet that was never pulled up anywhere near their face. Their are safe ways to co sleep.

I just think it’s unnatural to sleep with your baby detached from you. Name another mammal/primate that sleeps separately to their offspring? It just felt instinctual to me and my partner loves waking up beside us as he works every day so loves the little extra time he gets with our wee boy with morning snuggles.

Any way there are loads of pros and cons to each do what feels right.

Trust me if In 10 yrs I’m struggling to move in my bed due to two massive lumps of children in my bed il be honest and come back and let you all know lol.

Oh and I’d recommend getting as big a bed as you can afford or dismantle your bed frame and get another mattress and just have a big floor bed it’s great lol.

A lot of parents I know have co slept at some point in their dcs life. As mentioned up thread this is common in some cultures. Myself or dp sometimes have to co sleep with our sn dcs, or they won't sleep at all. You do what you have to do just to get some sleep!

I foster mums and babies and co-sleeping is really frowned upon from a child protection point of view as babies have died when parents have rolled on them in the night or been suffocated under hot duvets they can’t get out from underneath. It is often a contributing factor to a looked after child being removed from parents

Well yes. If the co-sleeper is drug or alcohol dependent then co-sleeping is a massive risk. Likewise if the co-sleeping is because life is too chaotic to sort out a cot. That's why ss would frown on it.

But I am an adopter and ss assessed our family while I was very happily co-sleeping with a four year old so clearly there is co-sleeping and co-sleeping and most sws are able to see the difference.