Why do some people judge co-sleeping so much?

[RedPandaMama]

Particularly my mum, grandmother and other similar age (45-70) adults. I've been told I 'just need to persevere with the cot', that I've 'made a fatal mistake', that 'babies have cots for a reason' and that she'll 'be in my bed til she's 9' like my auntie's daughter.

I'm just getting a bit sick of it to be honest! DD is 10 weeks old and I feel like as my daughter it shouldnt matter to anyone but us where she sleeps! She cries when put down alone in her next to me side sleeper, so we started co-sleeping. And doing this she's got herself into her own sort of routine. It's easy to breastfeed, no more back pain. We both get a tonne of sleep (between 8 and 12 hours) and we're both happy with it. She wants to be near me and I adore sleeping with her.

It's all done extremely safely and she has her own space. Maybe in a few months I'll re-evaluate and obviously it means DP and I have zero intimacy at the moment, but for now it works for us, he doesn't mind, she's so little and if it makes her happy we don't feel we're 'spoiling' her by co-sleeping (another comment I've had!)

Has anyone else experienced this kind of reaction? What do you do to stop it? Or should I just suck it up? I'm just so frustrated!

The bit I’ve never properly understood is why anyone would long term want to bedshare with someone who needs a fundamentally different amount of sleep to them

Cosleeping doesn't mean you have to both be there at the same time. Most people I know who coslept past 6-7 months didn't go to bed when the baby did - usually the baby went to sleep early evening, mother/parents joined them later. You still get the cosleeping advantages of not having to get out of bed umpteen times yourself in the night, but you don't have to lose all your evening alone time.

@Whentheshipgoesdown that’s one hell of a misunderstanding

I cosleep and definitely don’t go to bed at 7.30/8 when my baby does. She naps in my bed too, sometimes I stay with her if I’m tired and want to relax, otherwise I leave her with the monitor on.

I’m definitely not spending all that time in bed!

@speakout who rattled your cage?

I think it’s your decision.

My midwife told me that if I co slept, I should give my son a dummy as it helps to reduce the risk of SIDS.

Because if even you co sleep as safetly as possible you are still increasing the chances of SIDS. The safest place statistically for a baby to sleep is in a cot.
They are probably just concerned.

@MyDcAreMarvel - totally flawed statistics it’s worth adding.

Japan has the lowest SIDS statistics in the world and most, almost all, families bedshare.

Enough said.

Accidental co-sleeping is much, much more dangerous than planned co-sleeping. That’s why I started co-sleeping - the alternative wasn’t baby sleeping peacefully in cot, it was me falling asleep on a sofa while holding the baby.

Is the op living in Japan? If not then it's irrelevant. In the Uk and many other countries the safest place for a baby to sleep is a cot.

@53rdWay... which happened to me when mine was a newborn, just before I researched safe cosleeping!

crazycat but then... and forgive me if I am unutterably dense - why put them in your bed if you’re not in it? Surely a cot - which has sides - is safer?

@MyDcAreMarvel on a post about the safety of cosleeping yes it’s relevant, if you want to start talking statistics.

@Whentheshipgoesdown because many babies won’t go down ‘drowsy but awake’ and wake up when you put them down. Some people choose to feed to sleep lying down, so baby goes to sleep where they stay asleep.

Also Whentheshipgoesdown because it means you don’t have to get out of bed yourself for night wakings.

@53rdWay yup, particularly good for the babies that wake about 8 times a night.. zzz

Crazy no it's isn't because the if the op isn't in Japan, then the unknown Japanese variables won't apply.

Marvel But the** U.K. variables are important and the statistics in the U.K. have to be predominantly based on formula fed babies because most babies are formula few. If you solely looked at BF babies (impossible to do) the thinking is that the statistics might be different. But obviously it is impossible to test this theory.

Shop Post 6 months I don’t go to sleep with my babies! I clear the bed of bedding and use foam bed wedges so they can’t roll off. I also use a video monitor and go up to them if I need to. Obviously it would be safest to put the a mattress on the floor rather than the bed but I feel we manage the risks for us.

• Ship

I foster mums and babies and co-sleeping is really frowned upon from a child protection point of view as babies have died when parents have rolled on them in the night or been suffocated under hot duvets they can’t get out from underneath. It is often a contributing factor to a looked after child being removed from parents

Please don’t anyone read this twaddle and think that any child has ever been removed solely on the grounds of safe cosleeping.

As long as the guidelines are being followed- no smoking, drinking, drugs, sedatives, duvets, pillows the the baby is safe.

If it encourages longer breastfeeding then that reduces sids risk.

If there isn’t room in the parents bedroom for a cot then co sleeping is safer for a

Tea interesting, so is there a correlation between formula feeding and SIDS?

Thanks crazycat. I don’t think i’d do that. Aside from tiny I put my babies to bed awake. I had lots of them so it’s not just a question of having placid babies 😄. I’m speculating but maybe some of the ‘rod for your own back’ is from people like me who are assuming if you’re putting a baby in your own bed it’s because you’re also in it? Or perhaps they can’t imagine feeding an older baby or child to sleep every night (that’s something I wouldn’t have enjoyed at all)? I’d guess the answer to why people are judgy is the same as for anything: they wouldn’t/didn’t so it themselves, so they don’t get why you’re doing it, and assume you just haven’t thought of doing things their way, rather than thinking you’ve made an active choice to do what works for you best.

Marvel No, not so explicitly (afaik, other people know much more than me!!!) But my understanding is that formula fed babies sleep much more deeply than BF babies so they are more likely to be in a deep sleep and therefore forget to breathe. Which is why a dummy is a protective factor because the sucking stops them falling into such a deep sleep. BF babies are more likely to wake for feeding and comfort sucking so the dummy benefit is needed less.

Like I said, this is my understanding!!

@Whentheshipgoesdown I think we’re all guilty of judging each other’s parenting in some way or another

As in not meaning to, but doing something your way and not understanding how it works for others! If I put my needy baby down awake she’d look at me like soooo...what now?

Husband never gets sex

GOD FORBID a man should ever have to go without sex for the good of his wife and child.

If women just shagged their husbands more, whether they felt like it or not, there would be no affairs ever. Fact.