Why do some people judge co-sleeping so much?

[RedPandaMama]

Particularly my mum, grandmother and other similar age (45-70) adults. I've been told I 'just need to persevere with the cot', that I've 'made a fatal mistake', that 'babies have cots for a reason' and that she'll 'be in my bed til she's 9' like my auntie's daughter.

I'm just getting a bit sick of it to be honest! DD is 10 weeks old and I feel like as my daughter it shouldnt matter to anyone but us where she sleeps! She cries when put down alone in her next to me side sleeper, so we started co-sleeping. And doing this she's got herself into her own sort of routine. It's easy to breastfeed, no more back pain. We both get a tonne of sleep (between 8 and 12 hours) and we're both happy with it. She wants to be near me and I adore sleeping with her.

It's all done extremely safely and she has her own space. Maybe in a few months I'll re-evaluate and obviously it means DP and I have zero intimacy at the moment, but for now it works for us, he doesn't mind, she's so little and if it makes her happy we don't feel we're 'spoiling' her by co-sleeping (another comment I've had!)

Has anyone else experienced this kind of reaction? What do you do to stop it? Or should I just suck it up? I'm just so frustrated!

I didn’t co sleep I had a premature baby who was tiny. Whatever you do people will have opinions on it.
Breastfeeding stats are interesting... look at the typical breastfeeding parent ‘statistically speaking’ compared with the typical formula feeding parent. Those differences in lifestyle will sway the statistics, so yes breastfed babies might be less likely to suffer with sids however not due to their feeding but due to the lifestyle they are more likely to have.

EskiVodka the reduction in SIDS from breastfeeding is not limited to the UK. In Latin America or Africa where most babies are breastfed not sure what the lifestyle difference would be that you are suggesting.

Formula takes longer to digest and so babies who are FF tend to sleep longer stretches. Which increases SIDS risk compared to the more frequent waking of BF infants. That’s not a difference that has anything to do with lifestyle.

I don't understand this either.
We were complete opposites and never had our children in our bed, but I wouldn't judge others.
I think it must be a lovely way to bond and very good for small children.
As long as you aren't hurting the child, it's up to your how you parent, it's a very personal thing.

Top tip - don’t share all your child rearing ideas with older generations with your own family, nod and smile when they offer advice, then continue to do your own thing.

My own mother and grandmother are —judgmental as fuck— slightly shocked that my daughter (just over 2) isn’t dry yet. The concept of ‘readiness’ for toilet training didn’t exist when they had small children so they just think I am being horrifically lazy. I know i’m not so ignore, but it’s easier to do a couple of years down the line. Your baby is still very young and it’s harder to ignore relatives advice when it’s your first baby and they’re very small.

There’s nothing wrong with co-sleeping if it works for you.

@crazycatlady5 @LucieLucie sleeping with a duvet over a baby isn’t safe cosleeping. That is the point. Did you read the whole thread?

No. Did you read my post? It said ‘in answer to the op’ ie regardless of anyone else’s if buts and maybes and ‘I don’t do it like that’ co-sleeping is dangerous.

Planned co sleeping using safety measures and a bit of risk assessment is different, but the general population don’t seem to think like that. People of less intelligence need to know the risks.

DS1 - co slept until 3 years
DD1 - co slept until 5 years
DS2 - currently co sleeping at 20 months

The 2 eldest are brilliant sleepers.

It didn’t/hasn’t affected our sex life.

I wouldn’t judge parents who don’t co sleep, and I wish they wouldn’t judge my reasons to co sleep. Every family is different.

But the poster who said, the more you share, the more people judge is spot on. Sadly.

Just want to clear a couple of things up:-

When I said we have zero intimacy I basically meant we haven't had sex yet since the baby however I do think that's more down to my recovery than our sleeping situation and of course nothing is ever restricted to the bedroom, how boring would that be?!

I'm a bit offended by LucieLucie saying 'co-sleeping with a bit of a risk assessment is different'. That is exactly what planned co-sleeping is. After the first two weeks of pure exhaustion falling asleep sitting up in bed with her I thought it was important that if we were going to do it, it was going to happen safely. I sleep with nothing on my top half, duvet is pulled right down, no pillows near her face etc. She gets about 60% of the bed space and she is tiny! She's close to me and I find myself naturally checking her temp and breathing every half an hour or so. I also find myself sleeping in a C shape around her as previous posters have said.

Also, I would never ever judge anyone else on their sleep choices, or whether they carry their baby in a sling, FF vs BF etc. as one previous poster said. I've seen that on Instagram - 'baby wearer, breastfeeder, co-sleeper, gentle parenter, baby is touched by angels every night before he shuts his eyes ...' and it's judgemental bullshit. I honestly think the vast majority of people make the best decisions for their children, whether conventional or unconventional. I'd bloody love it if she slept in a cot, but she won't, and between my sleep deprivation and the sound of her flailing and crying alone, that's why we did it. I absolutely don't think my choices are better or worse than anyone else's, they're just what is best for my baby at this time.

Goodness. Most people choose co-sleep because they have judged it to be the best/safest way for their family. Same as some will choose a cot.

Same as many others - I was falling asleep holding my velcro baby so I researched safe cosleeping and never looked back. I would never dream of thinking this makes me a better parent than someone who uses a cot? And it shouldn’t the other way around too.

We all need to judge each other less.

Definitely swings and roundabouts. I’ve been told I’m depriving my daughter of an essential life skill by not sleep training (because obviously they NEVER sleep alone if you cosleep ) and she must be chronically sleep deprived as she (naturally) still wakes a few times in the night for milk at 9 months.

Yet cosleepers and people who don’t sleep train are constantly accused of ‘being on their high horse’ and ‘holier than thou’ - what is the difference to the above?

Everyone seems to judge some way or another.

I've coslept with ds since day 2. He's 2.1yo now. It works for us. Nothing has suffered with my marriage. Sex doesn't only occur at night in bed....

It’s worth remembering the risk we’re talking about is very low. Like someone else said cars are riskier. Trouble is numbers are rarely attached to such discussions and they aren’t given in NHS leaflets etc which is very frustrating.

I would just do what works for you, with my first we always had her in her crib/cot, and followed all the guidance (national and family), but she was premature and very tiny.

However with second we have just done what works for us, let her feed to sleep, weaned when we thought ready, let her cat nap in stroller and yes we have co-slept to get a good nights sleep.

I am enjoying being a mum the second time round much more, I just go with the flow and I let all the well intended advice constantly given from family go over my head.

Obviously we follow the safety guidance so to not put LO at risk, but your baby, your experience, so go with your instincts.

Why don't we all just accept that older generations don't know what they are talking about and somehow managed to bring this generation of parents up despite not having a clue. I can't think of any other reason why parents of newborn first babies are regarded as experts over people who have raised 2, 3 or more children. I also don't understand why every other piece of SIDS advice is followed slavishly on MN but for some reason a blind eye is turned to co sleeping. It also seems to bring out the worse type of arrogance - something isn'r neccessarily utter bollocks just because it's not your opinion.

Nice post cathf

I also don't know what I think of the fact that "(45-70) adults" are an older generation. My husband fits into that age range and I'm nearly there. We have a 3 year old!

I am in that group too and have a ten year old, however I was very happy to take from more experienced people with all three of mine.

People have different views and choices. It doesn't really matter what you do as long as all people in your house are happy

It would be a problem if it ended up lile supernanny with mum and all the kids in bed after a battle at bed time and then dad in the kids beds/sofa (always seems to be that way round). Not about being sexist, more that both parents should be able to sleep in their own bed without children dictating the sleep arrangements.

As long as everyone is happy then it really doesn't matter. If someone is unhappy then it should be discussed betqeen the people in the house - not outside family members.

* Why don't we all just accept that older generations don't know what they are talking about and somehow managed to bring this generation of parents up despite not having a clue*
Has anybody said that older generations don’t have a clue? I have a teenager and a baby and have taken a very different approach with my baby than I did think 16 years ago. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t have a clue those years ago it just means that life is different

Cathf Unfortunately, in some areas, my parents generation are woefully uninformed because the information they were given was such nonsense. There’s no way I would have successfully BF my two if I’d listened to my mum and MIL’s comments - Are they feeding again? They should be able to go at least 4 hours by now. You should be able to put them down for a nap and leave them, don’t let them make you stay up there! Are they not in their own room now? (6 weeks) And it goes on and on.

Would I want to be treated by a doctor who hadn’t had any up to date training since 1983? Don’t think so!!

Know better, do better

My thoughts too tea - my mum refused to accept that my ds had colic or wind because bf babies don't suffer from either and on the off chance that he did it was because of my milk... Cheers mum 🙄

This generational thibg always fascinates me. I am older that many of your mothers, and my first child was born in 1995- which was the height of attachment parenting, feeding on demand 3 in a bed stuff. The every 4 hours don't pick them up rod for your own back phase is much earlier than that. The infamous Dr Spock who was responsible for the permissive society was writing in the 60s.

But cathf what if your parents and PIL have different opinions? My parents are a lot older than PIL. PIL have newfangled ideas about demand feeding should I listen to my mum or my MIL?!

What if your parents spurned the advice of their parents? Do you ignore them because they aren’t infused with generations of wisdom? And go to your GPs for advice instead?

At some point it has to come down to parents of newborn first children making the choice about what they want to do with their child.

Helpful Orange!!

I had it from my FIL today - so would you say he’s 99% weaned? DS is 9mo, why on earth would I be concerned what % I’d managed to wean him off BF?? I had to just smile and nod and kept quiet about him feeding at night whilst he’s curled into me!

I'm in my fifties, co-sleeping was pretty commonplace when my children were little, at least among people I knew from clinic etc.

My MiL thought it was the road to ruin but she was bringing up children in the days of rigid 4 hourly feeds and the assumption that mothers who can 'produce enough' were the exception not the rule.
My DM had done similar but was more open to different ideas -probably because she had never been happy with the rigid approach herself.

I know tea. Thankfully that was her only annoying soundbite. She's been brill otherwise. Mil did start with the unsolicited opinions... 'you really should put him in a cot, rod for your own back!', (we've coslept v successfully since ds was born). I pointed out that it was my own back so she really shouldn't worry too much. Same for bfing. I'm still bfing 2.1 years in. 'When are you going stop?'. I don't know. Why do you care?! ODFOD.

My mil (nearly 80) picked up new born dd, gave her a cuddle and said "Oh, you can tell she's used to being nursed already. I always nursed my babies"
(Yorkshire "nurse" meaning cuddle)