Why do some people judge co-sleeping so much?

[RedPandaMama]

Particularly my mum, grandmother and other similar age (45-70) adults. I've been told I 'just need to persevere with the cot', that I've 'made a fatal mistake', that 'babies have cots for a reason' and that she'll 'be in my bed til she's 9' like my auntie's daughter.

I'm just getting a bit sick of it to be honest! DD is 10 weeks old and I feel like as my daughter it shouldnt matter to anyone but us where she sleeps! She cries when put down alone in her next to me side sleeper, so we started co-sleeping. And doing this she's got herself into her own sort of routine. It's easy to breastfeed, no more back pain. We both get a tonne of sleep (between 8 and 12 hours) and we're both happy with it. She wants to be near me and I adore sleeping with her.

It's all done extremely safely and she has her own space. Maybe in a few months I'll re-evaluate and obviously it means DP and I have zero intimacy at the moment, but for now it works for us, he doesn't mind, she's so little and if it makes her happy we don't feel we're 'spoiling' her by co-sleeping (another comment I've had!)

Has anyone else experienced this kind of reaction? What do you do to stop it? Or should I just suck it up? I'm just so frustrated!

crazycat

@CelebrationSizedBounty

It may be helpful if we agree on the facts. I see no issue with co-sleeping if it works for the parents but the reality is even safe co-sleeping based on the current research increases the risk of SIDS. Here is the latest study passionately hated by all the co-sleeping proponents but it is the most comprehensive and latest research available so far:

bmjopen.bmj.com/content/3/5/e002299

Conclusion: Bed sharing for sleep when the parents do not smoke or take alcohol or drugs increases the risk of SIDS. Risks associated with bed sharing are greatly increased when combined with parental smoking, maternal alcohol consumption and/or drug use. A substantial reduction of SIDS rates could be achieved if parents avoided bed sharing.

Co-sleeping advocates normally argue that Carpenter study has not incorporated other statistically important factors (e.g. parents intention to co-sleep) but, unfortunately, this information is simply not available and health care professionals have to rely on existing research.

IIRC even the increased risk is significantly smaller than the risk you take putting a baby in a car. And we don't go crazy about that.

Now a few words on a couple of additional misconceptions:

(1) Japan has the lowest SIDS statistics in the world and most, almost all, families bedshare.

Japan has the second lowest SIDS statistics and bedsharing advocates like referring to it to make a point. However it is also a proven fact that SIDS stats vary depending on race and origin and APAC babies fall in the lowest risk category. It is also interesting that other traditional bedsharing countries do not feature near the top of the list:

www.ncemch.org/suid-sids/statistics/

The country with the lowest SIDS statistics is Netherlands. It got to the first place after local health care professionals started advising against bedsharing in early age.

Further to wintertravel1980's post:

A meta-analysis published in 2012 found that not a single study published since January 1970 showed a reduced risk of SIDS in bed sharing infants; all studies found an increased risk

Source: Lullaby Trust Evidence Base
(The charitable research centre used to decide the UK government SIDS policies)

I have nothing against cosleeping. But misinformation helps no one.

*(2) If there isn’t room in the parents bedroom for a cot then co sleeping is safer for a

It's basically all about women being sexually available.

God forbid that a man should actually want to bed share with his babies.........

I bedshare with DS who's just turned 1. We all love it! He sleeps well, I sleep well, DH sleeps well - which means the sleep deprivation hasn't really affected us beyond the first couple of weeks. We didn't intend to bedshare - in fact I was quite keen to avoid it - but after 2 weeks of trying and failing to put DS in his moses basket, it was the only way we could get him to stay asleep (apart from sleeping on one of us). Once I'd done more reading about it, I knew it was safe to do and we haven't looked back. I actually look forward to night times, mainly because it's just so glorious having him within touching distance of me.

DH and I go to bed together in our room (with DS asleep in the spare bedroom) and I join DS once he's woken for the first feed of the night. So DH and I do get time in bed to ourselves and our relationship hasn't suffered in the slightest. I reckon it probably would have done if we were stressed/sleep deprived from trying to get DS down in a cot.

So we're all for it here and couldn't care two jots if anyone thinks we've made the wrong choice. I hope you continue to enjoy it OP and can filter out the irritating comments/advice!

We cosleep and it is my DH’s idea. Our DS is 20 months. I can’t imagine him putting sex before doing what he thinks is right for our boy. I struggle with it every now and again as we only have a double bed and I don’t sleep well as it is but I know it is important to my DH.

Have never experienced any judgement - they must wait until I have left the room. We do often get comments on how laid back and content our little boy is, that could just be a coincidence.

I agree with the pp who said getting sleep is best for your sex life! The location of sex can vary but surely it’s very difficult to orgasm if you are intensely sleep deprived, which I would be if I wasn’t bedsharing (as it is I’m just a little bit sleep deprived ha)

In my opinion, what works for you as a family unit, is the best method. As long as precautions are taken re Co -sleeping and making your bed a safe environment for baby to sleep, it's noone's business how your sleeping arrangements work in your house. There are plenty of Co -sleeping products on the market such as nests and separators and whatnot. Just go with the flow and listen to your instinct

I co slept with my mum from a baby until 8 years old out of habit. I was eventually forced into my own bed as it was ruining my parents sleep, freedom and intimacy. As a result I had very poor sleep, nightmares, night terrors and fear.
I now suffer from terrible sleep patterns and insomnia as an adult and am frequently on medication to help me sleep.
I never learned how to fall asleep by myself or self soothe.
Because of this; I vowed never to Co sleep with my children, particularly as a friend of the family rolled over and suffocated their baby in bed. It's not recommended for a reason.
The first country to introduce SIDS guidelines was New Zealand- they cut SIDS deaths by 75% in one year. They are there for a reason.

It just wasn’t the done thing back in the day.

I do it with DS1 and DS2 (5 and 17 months). It’s the only way to get any sleep round our way!

I find it terrifying people do this I wouldn't get a wink of sleep.

I thought I was co sleeping safely till one day I woke up with my baby too close to me . His hair was wet with the warmth .... luckily he was perfectly fine but I think any longer and it could have been a different story. Not worth it at all.

Done safely, it is totally worth it, moreover it’s how humans have done it for millions of years.

It’s not always done safely, hence the scare stories.

I never learned how to fall asleep by myself or self soothe.

Holy mary mother of god. How did the human race survive for millions of years before modern parenting experts came along with their self-soothing bumpf.

I've co-slept with all 3 of my children and extended bf with all of them! I've been really judged by lots of opinionated people(including people without children) It's irritating but I've not let it deter me or change the way I parent! My 2 older children are teenagers now and have happily slept in their own rooms for years now! I actually think it has helped my children to become secure, independent individuals because they have always known I'm there for them! They never had 'security blankets' or anything and always separated from me easily when they went to school etc. I think you should do whatever suits you and your family best! Plus it's never caused any problems with my relationship with my partner!

Holy mary mother of god. How did the human race survive for millions of years before modern parenting experts came along with their self-soothing bumpf.

This

@Sladurche sounds like a sad experience for you. However I know plenty of kids who coslept (me being one of them) who happily went into their own beds while still little and have no sleep issues now.

Breastfeeding reduces sids risk by 50%

pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/123/3/e406

Co sleeping helps with continuing bf. This can't be ignored when giving advice.

Haven't read all the comments but the assumption that the only place you can have sex is the bed leaves me to believe that some people on here have extremely unimaginative sex lives... co sleeping shouldn't affect your sex life. If anything it saved mine as I was no longer too tired.

I am still co sleeping with my 14 month old. And I can tell you it doesn't spoil the relationship with your partner. Use your imagination sex doesn't have to be in the bedroom. If your getting enough sleep and all are happy, sod everyone else.

I never co-slept with mine. DS in particular was a very difficult baby, but no way in hell would I, for what I feel are very good reasons.

However, over the years I've learnt to keep my mouth shut, because nobody wants to hear; people just want to be told 'whatever you need to do is what you should do; if it makes you & your baby happy, then it's the right thing to do.'

Fwiw, my reasons not to are that I worked in paediatric pathology for many years, and dealt with too many deaths of newborns where co-sleeping was implicated. Including one particularly horrific one involving a twin. So nope - just not worth the risk for me.