Why do some people judge co-sleeping so much?

[RedPandaMama]

Particularly my mum, grandmother and other similar age (45-70) adults. I've been told I 'just need to persevere with the cot', that I've 'made a fatal mistake', that 'babies have cots for a reason' and that she'll 'be in my bed til she's 9' like my auntie's daughter.

I'm just getting a bit sick of it to be honest! DD is 10 weeks old and I feel like as my daughter it shouldnt matter to anyone but us where she sleeps! She cries when put down alone in her next to me side sleeper, so we started co-sleeping. And doing this she's got herself into her own sort of routine. It's easy to breastfeed, no more back pain. We both get a tonne of sleep (between 8 and 12 hours) and we're both happy with it. She wants to be near me and I adore sleeping with her.

It's all done extremely safely and she has her own space. Maybe in a few months I'll re-evaluate and obviously it means DP and I have zero intimacy at the moment, but for now it works for us, he doesn't mind, she's so little and if it makes her happy we don't feel we're 'spoiling' her by co-sleeping (another comment I've had!)

Has anyone else experienced this kind of reaction? What do you do to stop it? Or should I just suck it up? I'm just so frustrated!

Ignore the people who are criticising you. Done safely, co-sleeping is fantastic (and better for baby's mental health and everything!). Follow your instincts, you sound to be a fab mum

No it’s not just if alcohol or drug dependent it’s a risk. Smoking also increases the risk with co-sleeping and ss view co-sleeping in very negative terms nowadays. Personally I think there are pros and cons to it and have friends who have done it but I have seen many parents in foster placements with babies who are categorically told they must not co-sleep and if they refuse to follow professional advice it is recorded and the judge can use it as a factor in removal. It would be interesting to see if any health visitors on here have differeing views. Our local ones are very anti and talk about being very traumatised by a baby dying locally.

Umm, I don't really get it, Fraggle. You are talking about foster parents.
If the foster parents smokes/drinks and co-sleep, then maybe they are not suitable.
But OP here is not fostering, she is co-sleeping with her own child. I am sure she wouldn't do something harmful for the baby.

Go with what works best for your family. As others have said if you've done the research on how to co-sleep safely and are following the guidelines, it's so much better then ending up doing it by accident. I wish it had worked for us but neither she or I slept well when we tried it.

My personal advice would be to keep in mind what your long term aim is with sleep. If you are happy to co-sleep for as long as necessary until they are ready to detach then continue as you are and ignore what anyone has to say about it. If you want independent sleeping sooner, I would consider starting to get baby to sleep in the cot from 4-5 months as forcing a change after that will involve a lot of tears.

As for impact on the relationship, anyone's partner who resents a baby is about as selfish as can be

Fraggle is talking about mother and baby placements. Which are just that - for mothers and babies.

But she's talking about people who are known to ss to the extent of having fc involvement with their children - which usually brings with it one or more of the three elements of chaotic/deprived families - severe mh issues, dv and/or drug and alcohol dependency.

So no, not great candidates for bed sharing And probably not relevant examples for this thread.

Indeed I am not talking about judging foster parents. I am talking about advice given to parents of babies in care. They are told not to co-sleep and if they chose to do so it jeopardises their future with their child/children. Health visitors are adamant about it - regardless of whether they drink/drug or smoke. Sorry if it’s irrelevant.

Fragglewump, I can understand you care. But yes, I do think it's actually irrelevant for this thread. But those who you care for, they are the lucky ones who have someone like you to care.

Your baby is 10 weeks old, I can guarantee you’ve read every piece of advice there is on co sleeping safely and that you’re following the safest practice and that’s all that matters right now. My dd is 24 weeks and I started co-sleeping with her and I loved it so so so so much but we had to put her in her own cot at around 4/5 weeks because dp is ummm slightly bigger ahah so I got a bit worried he’d get too close to her (he stayed out the bed whilst I co slept) I miss it so much and when our next bubba comes along I’m doing it for even longer. As others have said, make sure you have a sort of long term sleep plan but for now just roll with it :) if it makes you both happy then that’s what matters! I think right now don’t put any pressure on yourself about the sex side of things it’s not the be all and end all of life he will understand and spooning is wayyyyyy better ❤️ And Congratulations! 🎉

I know of a few parents who chose to co-sleep basically out of pure exhaustion. They are now struggling (sometimes many years later) with children who are still looking to sleep in their beds (even if it’s not for the whole night).

SIDS guidelines, regardless of whether you are non-smokers etc etc, would also state that it is far safer to have baby in his or her own bed rather than yours.

Maybe the people who are making those comments are ‘rod for your own back’ types. Everyone has an opinion when it comes to babies.

Just smile sweetly and do your own thing.

My health visitor, who is very experienced and the area lead for breastfeeding support, has been really supportive of co-sleeping, in particular to support continued breastfeeding. She said the official guidance they are meant to offer is that co-sleeping should be avoided, however this is due to the increased risks of doing so when under the influence of drugs/alcohol, when over tired, on sofas or falling asleep when sitting up when co-sleeping is unplanned.

She advised that the evidence against safer co-sleeping simply doesn't exist, ie making a C shape, no partner in the bed, only one pillow and light duvet tucked around the waist.

She said 70% of breastfeeding mums will bring baby into bed with them at some point so she would rather discuss how to do this safely.

I received the same advice from my midwife when pregnant. Again, she is very experienced and cited several studies as evidence to support her advice.

Co-sleeping is good for your sex life!
When you co-sleep you get more sleep, that means you have more energy and sanity for the rest of your life. You don't have to have sex in bed with baby!

Sod what anyone else says. It doesn't set kids up to never sleep on their own, it makes them feel secure.

I think most BF mums cosleep at some point in the night and at some point in their baby’s life. How on earth would you carry on through a teething/developmental phase otherwise! So much better to plan to safely cosleep than fall asleep accidentally.

I’ve given up worrying about what people say or think. There’s an awful lot of scaremongering about cosleeping because many people are not aware of the guidelines and therefore it is obviously a much bigger risk to cosleep without following them. I think it would help an awful lot of struggling mums if people could talk about it more and if health professionals were allowed to help educate people about the risks but also how to minimise the risks. There are always so many posts about HV advising leaving a baby to cry or ‘self settle’- not informing mums of the very gradual way they could move towards independent sleep and certainly not informing mums about cosleeping safely. There’s very little understanding that gentle methods (of anything!) can take many months - people now expect far too much far too early and if there is a problem, most people expect a quick fix.

I don’t agree with people saying that cosleeping means you’ll have them in your bed forever - you can gently work on that but it may take longer than the quick fix.

And I really don’t agree with the poster who said it breaks up marriages - WTF?? As if it’s just the mum who decides they’re cosleeping and sod the dad! My DH is fully supportive because we both know it what works best for our family. He does sleep in the spare room during the week (a bed which can be used for the 10pm sex appointment ) and on the weekends, he often starts in our bed and moves if DS wakes up. If our marriage can’t survive that for a year/18mo then I think we’ve got bigger problems!!

OP I coslept with my DD until 16/17mo when we gradually started moving her to her own bed. By 21mo she was going to sleep on her own, in her own bed, in her own room. Definitely not a quick process but we expected that! I’m currently cosleeping with 9mo DS and we’ll probably look at moving him from about that age as well. Enjoy your cosleeping snuggles for as long as you want them! And the sleep! We all need the sleep!

YES, it is sexis bollocks.
But it happens.
Wife wants to co sleep with baby.
Husband never gets sex.
Relationship suffers

Sounds like wifey is best off out of it. Husband sounds like a massive twat.

Fuck me yes - hell, it was DP that brought the baby into our bed because I was so deep in the fog I was just blindly following rules that clearly weren't working!

A woman isn't a person to shuttle between baby and husband giving each what they desire for christ's sake - the man and woman are both there to look after the child they created, and if they go without sex for a bit (because they lack imagination I would say - or just because they're not in the right place with a young baby) then as grown adults, I think they can deal with a bit of delayed gratification.

yesichangedforthis whay a horrible sexist post.

He was later diagnosed as autistic. No doubt he'd have been diagnosed earlier if we hadn't offered him the calming qualities of the parental bed.

This made me go a bit gooey inside

My ASD (almost) 3 year old DD doesn't like co sleeping but if she did that's what I would do too. I wonder if she will get her diagnosis, we have one more appointment to assess and since realising that she has ASD, I have been parenting her differently and been very responsive. As a result her speech has improved, he communication is better and she's more affectionate. She's definitely autistic though and needs a lot of care.

OP stand up for your belief in what you do with your baby. It's nobody else's business. Ignoring is fine but I'd add that you are set in your decision too, to avoid future comments. In answer to your question there are a few emotive subjects when it comes to babies: Sleep, feeding and vaccinations are a few. Car seats is another biggie. Everyone has something to say but it's what YOU say about YOUR baby that counts. Own it OP!

I know a woman who co slept with her son and now he’s 36 and still won’t transition to his own room.

Said no one ever lol. Obviously it won’t stop a child eventually going into their own beds.
Do whatever works, just as safely as possible obviously

We co slept with ours. Dp in particular loved it. He was working long hours and sharing a bed with his children gave him a chance to cuddle and connect with them. Of course we never had sex because the only time and place you can ever have sex is at night in bed. Not.

*I know a woman who co slept with her son and now he’s 36 and still won’t transition to his own room.

Said no one ever* lol. Obviously it won’t stop a child eventually going into their own beds.

This made me laugh.

Of course eventually, but eventually can take a long time, and even having your child in bed with you at age 3/4 is a long time and, I’d imagine, could begin to impact on your relationship with DP.

I truly don’t think that many parents would admit to preferring having their older child in bed with them on a regular basis rather than them sleeping in their own beds and having their own space.

Fraggle could it be because you’re talking about foster mums who aren’t breastfeeding and aren’t related to the babies?

It is safer for a breastfeeding mother to co sleep with her baby than any other adult. It is safer for a breastfeeding mother than for a formula feeding mother.

A foster mother is unrelated and formula feeding which are two risk factors. I’m not surprised it’s strongly advised against.

I know a woman who co slept with her son and now he’s 36 and still won’t transition to his own room

she should put him down drowsy yet awake so he learns to self-settle, I’ve heard that’s the trick.

People get weird about co-sleeping because there is a standard parenting model of baby sleeping angelically away in cot in “the nursery”, and any deviation from standard is regarded with deep suspicion. I had one pram-hating baby so used a sling exclusively for months and people were so, so weird about that too.

For many of us co-sleeping means everyone in the house gets more sleep. I didn’t want to cosleep at first, but when I was so sleep-deprived I was dangerous (kept falling asleep sitting up while feeding the baby) we switched to cosleeping and it was magic for everybody. Including DH, who also cared about me getting more sleep anyway, funnily enough! Any man who thinks it’s reasonable to put their partner through sleep deprivation hell just to preserve his access to sex on demand deserves to be kicked out of your bed, baby or no baby.

I know a woman who co slept with her son and now he’s 36 and still won’t transition to his own room

Yawn.

1/10.

Baby is a10 weeks old. It’s fine. I co-slept with my youngest, couldn’t have functioned otherwise. Within a few months he was mostly sleeping in the cot in the other room.

There is a lot of underlying misogyny around co sleeping. The narrative is that it's something women - and only women - choose to do and it's wrong because she is not then sexually available.

I shared a bed to varying extents with all of my (bf) babies. The bit I’ve never properly understood is why anyone would long term want to bedshare with someone who needs a fundamentally different amount of sleep to them - I don’t think it makes you Gina Ford to believe that babies typically sleep up to 16 hours a day and adults perhaps 6 or 7. So despite doing a lot of bedsharing (particularly during prolonged hospital admissions) from a practical point perspective I don’t really understand how people manage if a child can only sleep with an adult there, or why they wouldn’t try to get a child to sleep alone sometimes - I don’t want to lie in bed for 10 extra hours but it’s possible I’ve completely misunderstood and don’t get it!

Ignore everyone else. I learned pretty early on with my first that you should trust yourself with these things, and I think it's really important to do what feels right. You'll do whatever feels best and safely (and don't forget that sadly children suffer from sids in cots too).
I coslept with my eldest after he didn't take the move from Moses basket to cot well (and my husband got up a few nights in a row without me realising, and put baby on his chest to sleep - that led to months of sleeping on us and me gradually moving him onto his back on the bed). He slept with me until I had my second when he was about 18 months. I moved him onto his own mattress (google Montessori style bed) which meant no drama later on when he went into his own room.
I cosleep with my second, I didn't intend to but I just wanted some sleep tbh and it worked well for him. He's still in with me and he loves it. My sleep isn't as deep as when he's in the cot or pram, probably subconscious, but it's better than waking up every 5 mins. My boys need me to be competent during the day and I'm not at my best on 1.5hrs sleep (which was what I was getting in the first weeks).
I don't give two hoots what my husband thinks (but he was in favour as he didn't want waking up either!) because the boys need me more. It's a temporary arrangement while we mutually make sacrifices for the benefit of the kids we had together (I.e they're half his too, he can help by letting you cosleep).