DH is doing CC...

[CoodleMoodle]

Or a version of it, anyway. I don't quite know what he's doing.

We're on our knees with DD and her almost 15 months of crap sleep - last night up every hour near enough, including an hour where I had to rock her back to sleep in the chair. DH is up there now, trying CC because I'm just not strong enough.

I've rocked her to sleep nearly every night since she was tiny, and right now she's in her cot, moaning and shouting, likely wondering where her Mum is and what the hell is going on. She was singing but now she's just crying, getting more and more worked up, and I don't know what's going to happen.

Sometimes she'll settle with shh/pat if she wakes in the night but she's never done it to actually fall asleep, and I just can't see it happening now. She's slept through the night a few times but for three months solid we've had absolutely horrific sleep, and it just has to stop before we collapse.

Her eating is crap (pretty much nonexistent, today) and her sleeping is worse. She's still in our room because having to get out of bed 20 times per night was bad enough, traipsing across the hall was torture. We did that for three nights at the start of the year until I cracked and brought her back in. I know this was stupid but I was struggling so much. She can be so happy but she's so tired and grumpy and so are we.

I want DH to succeed, but I'm not feeling positive. I should turn the monitor off and not listen but I can't help it.

I want to go up there and just rock her to sleep like I always do. Tonight is going to be so awful, and I'm just so bloody tired.

Good luck tonight OP. I'll be thinking of you. I really hope you crack it
FWIW I completely disagree that CC is cruel. IME and O it is the quickest way to get children to self settle, which must be kindest too. The 'gentle' ways usually just end up taking longer and causing more stress, from what I hear anecdotally.
I used CC when needed and DD has slept, eaten and napped like a textbook child all her life. I don't think I'm especially lucky though: I worked at it.

Bedtime routine (Night Garden, bottle, book, teeth, sleeping bag) is done, and now DH is upstairs with DD. She's in her cot and she's screaming her head off already. I can hear her from downstairs, I don't need the monitor on.

This has to work. I'm putting all my faith in it, to save our sanity.

Sorry OP but sometimes cc doesn't work!
I think it's fucking cruel. Your child is crying for you for you to comfort them and you don't respond. What does that teach your child? That you're not there for them when they need you.
This sleep training coupled with a certain way of raising children causes emotional damage in later life.
Just get your baby in bed with you fgs! It won't be forever and they learn how to 'self settle' in their own time.

The first night we were home from hospital, DD screamed herself to sleep. Breastfeeding wasn't working despite me trying and trying and she cried so hard no matter what we did. She was so tiny and we just didn't know what to do. The next day we put her on formula and she was a different baby.

I think part of my reason for always rocking her is guilt over that night. I had the 'day three blues' and felt like the worst Mum ever. I'm so far past that feeling now but the screaming is bringing it back a bit.

She doesn't sleep well in our bed. Bringing her in there keeps us all awake even more. There isn't enough room and I can't just "send DH to the sofa" or whatever the usual advice is. It's uncomfortable and, in our bed, it would be unsafe. It's not happening.

We are not cruel. We do everything for DD, all day long. She's our PFB. We're doing this for us AND for her. She's so tired during the day, so so so tired. And we're not being the best parents we can be (and are) because we haven't slept for over three fucking months.

She's shouting because she's angry. We're comforting her, we're just not picking her up.

I wouldn't be able to do this. You can teach little ones to sleep without resorting to CC. Yes gentler methods take longer but so much less stressful. After months and months of doing our own version of gradual retreat (kind of started it at 4 months old) I can now put my 13mo to bed and walk out. He still wakes once in the night so self settling at bedtime isn't a miracle cure but have never left him to cry. Saying that we have always had a rule of no picking up once in cot until morning, it has served us well as he doesn't expect it. In the first few months he would cry but I stayed with him soothing him in the cot, usually just hand holding until he calmed down.

I've just had to change her nappy. I hope that doesn't make things worse for her. She's so upset/angry and it's only been half an hour.

I feel awful but she's safe, she's clean, she's fed.

Kind of cross posted there - so you aren't doing CC, you are doing gradual retreat. You are right that she is shouting due to anger/frustration but as long as someone is with her I don't think it's unkind. She will learn the new boundaries. Just make sure you don't pick her up in the night either.

CC does not work for every child. Babies are all so different. My 1st slept from 6 weeks & DS2 was a terrible sleeper. We tried The gentle approach first & then out of pure desperation tried CC at 1 year old. I read up on it, we agreed a plan this was it no going back.... Yeah yeah He cried the 1st night for nearly 5 hours, made himself sick, etc, it was hell. After 2nd night of the same we were just not prepared to put him or ourselves through it as we felt it went against our nature to comfort our baby during times of distress & this was definitely that time. So we just went with it. Bed time routine went like pjs on after bath at 8pm then story in his lovely cosy room. Night night kisses. But a few minutes after leaving him he would come out of his room and cuddle up on couch with us and he fell asleep on the couch by 8.30. We put him in his bed when asleep.he would come into us about 5 am & go back to sleep until 8am. By the time he was 4 he was going to bed for story & staying there All night!!! DS is now 6 & is a dream at bedtime. It will pass for you too and if I were to do it again I would throw out all the books!!!Good luck I know it's not easy having a non sleeper

We've tried gradual retreat. We've tried EVERYTHING. This is our last fucking resort.

This isn't some sort of attempt at being deliberately cruel. DD is loved, cherished and well cared for. She has everything she needs, emotionally and physically. She just doesn't know how to sleep by herself. We love her so much, we just need her to sleep, for all three of us.

You do what works for you, yes its not everybodies cup of tea including mine but if you can do this method and it works do it xx

I know, I haven't slept for 10 months, it's what happens if you get a crap sleeper! You have to adapt your life. Dp is on our spare bed and baby in with me.
Different methods of parenting I suppose. I sorry it's hard for you and your dp but I honestly feel like crying myself for the poor babies who cry themselves to sleep when all they want is their mum or dad to cuddle them.
What if your baby is poorly through the night or wants a drink of water? They won't make a peep as they know nobody will come.

This sleep training coupled with a certain way of raising children causes emotional damage in later life.

What certain way?

And dou you have evidence?

This isn't the thread for arguing about CC.

Coodle she'll get there. She really will. If it makes you feel any better, I'm 24, and I struggle to sleep on my own. I don't scream, obviously, but I don't do it easily. Learning at 15 months is undoubtedly going to be easier than trying to learn at 24 :)

I used to do this for parents. Sit with their children after nursery for a few nights while they learnt to sleep. I never had a child who didn't learn it. They don't understand, so one minute they are screaming blue murder and then they are fast asleep, and it just clicks. And then the days are easier, like you noticed today. They learn.

Stay strong. If you succeed at staying strong tonight, she'll learn it much faster.

I have no advice as I've been fortunate to have a good sleeper but I can feel how desperate you are so I'm just here to offer some encouragement and a hand hold.

It's really important for you all that you crack this. I totally know what you mean about the crying bringing back memories of the stresses of the early days. I suffered that for different reasons for the first 2 years or so. Big unmumsnetty hugs for you.

The OP has already said that her child does not sleep when in bed with her and they have no spare bed. BabyOnBoob - I am a co sleeping, extended breastfeeder too but I don't agree with your post at all.

I wish posters would stop for a second to consider that EVERY BABY IS DIFFERENT.
My ds will not sleep in our bed. Ever. All the "just co sleep" advice in the world will not convince him to sleep when I'm there and he thinks he might miss out on some fun. He's so easily stimulated only dark, quiet and alone results in any sleep.

Aww keep with it. Its so hard to hear them cry. Reading this is bringing it all back. It is worth it.Just keep to it now you have started.

Just asked 16yo DD if she remembers (she was 14mo when we did cc) - No recollection. I have just asked her if she feels unloved or emotionally damaged or rejected because of the CC? Just a blank look!

She seems normal to me and has always slept well since.

Obviosuly not all children are the same but as you say you have tried everything else so giving this a proper go is well worth it.

Good luck.

And as for "they just want a cuddle" well maybe but toddlers just want chocolate cake for breakfast too and that doesn't mean that we should give them it.
My ds may want a cuddle but he won't sleep in my arms so cuddling delay sleep till he's beside himself with exhaustion!!

Oh jeesus give the girl a break. If it works for you and your DD, OP it is NOT CRUEL.
Such bollocks about emotional / psychological damage. That sort of talk is scaremongering and hitting people when they are at their most vulnerable.
If it works for you, i doubt you'll be worrying about the nebulous psychological damage you've done her when she's sleeping well, eating well and is generally a happy child. It fucking makes my blood boil when parents at their wits end are slated on here for simply trying to make a better life for their (usually miserable, tired) children and themselves.
You will know in a night or two if it is working OP, and if it does - job done. Stress, over tiredness, unhappiness over. And if it doesn't it usually, but not always, does then get thee to a sleep consultant

DD is secure. She's independent all day, and she knows to come to us if she's scared or hurt. She just likes being rocked to sleep. At this precise second she has everything else she normally does (muslin and white noise), the only difference is that we're (I'm) not holding her. I don't even MIND rocking her to sleep, but I do mind her being upset in the day because she's so exhausted from being up all night (and that's with me holding her for two hours most nights when she wakes).

The crying has stopped, I think she's asleep. But I know it's not as simple as that.

Thank you so much, all of you (even the ones against CC). Means a lot that people are out there when you're struggling!

We think she's gone to sleep now. All we want is for her to sleep. What's the point of prolonging all of our exhaustion? If it works, then it works and DD will be showered with affection all day long, just like she has been for her entire 14 months.

This sleep training coupled with a certain way of raising children causes emotional damage in later life.
FGS

In glad she's improving. You will all be much happier once she has learned to settle herself.

And you are obviously very loving parents. She will be fine. It's good to set simple boundaries - night time is sleep time. It's time for quiet. She needs to sleep.
Good luck and don't worry you are not 'damaging' her, you are helping her to get a good night of sleep.

Well done for sticking with it! Do you have a plan for the night wakings?

You're doing really well coddle if she's gone off to sleep already! You are helping her develop good sleep habits and you will all be much happier when you're getting regular amounts of quality sleep!

We sleep trained both our DC (now 12 and 8) and I promise you they are not emotionally damaged in any way, but they do sleep well !