what do you imagine I look like...

[fruitshootsandheaves]

what image do my name and my useless advice posts conjure up?

Don't worry Hulababy - any real info is totally not taken into account when concocting these.

Hulababy is a 5-foot-tall curvaceous blonde, whose career as a grass-skirted dancer on an exclusive Hawaiian resort was cut short when she got pregnant by the pool-cleaning boy. Seeing that there was no future with him she quickly started up an affair with Cecil, who was at the resort on what should have been his honeymoon had he not been left at the altar. Convinced that the baby was his, Cecil moved Hulababy back to England with him and married her, where her dancing acting skills translated well into yoga, pilates, and pretending to fit in with the yummy mummy crowd. Their attempts to conceive a second child have so far been unsiccessful, but Cecil refuses to go for any tests as 'it happened naturally once, so it can happen again'.

Hulababy is small and dark and possessed of one of those figures that the owners of which decry, but which are actually pleasing and easy to dress: skinny legs and a fatter body, with not much of a waist. She has a lilting, Irish voice and pale skin, and is surprisingly strong, both physically and mentally. She is a part time buyer for Next and is rather house proud - her house has pale carpets and large, pallid sofas, and she carries a pack of baby wipes as she is constantly wiping her two little poppets' sticky mitts. She's come a long way from County Laois and she is not going to be felled by chocolate smears in noticeable places. She is a kind person at heart but rather too steely with the part time au pair.

shineoncrazydiamond is rather uncouth at times and bekieves in getting down and dirty almost as a matter of principal. She is the bane of her aristocratic mother's life, who cut off her allowance after shineon had a rather unseemly episode in the team bath with some rugby players at her exclusive private school. Her ribald sense of humour earned her a place on the staff of a trendy underground magazine, and she is often required to guest as a talking head on matters of cultural importance in television documentaries such as 50 Greatest Eighties Anthems. She is a single mother to two children- one the dubious offspring of one of the aforementioned rugby team, and one several years later which is rumoured to have something to do with Russell Brand. Her favourite biscuits, of course, are penguins.

believes

Wow! BitOfFun do I know you?
I am a pierced, socially inhibited wierdo!
Who would have thunk it?

These are still fabulous - where are you getting this from, BoF et al??

pmsl- I am just making 'em up! Goes to show that people hear what they want when they see a medium, doesn't it?

Right, thinking cap on for Poledra...

Shineon has one eye slightly bigger than t'other and a snittering laugh. Her eczema is the bane of her life. She's always volunteering for things and writes far too many Christmas cards, but she is a thoroughly good egg who enjoys a close relationship with her MiL. She did Mech Eng at Loughborough University and is planning on doing a Masters whilst her son and daughter are young. She lives near Chester and her blond, hook nosed husband is actually a passionate, sexually jealous tornado who thinks everyone in their mountain biking club wants to huck her. (They don't, but they are missing out.)

He can huck me anytime < snurk >

Hey, that's how I eat a creme egg. Nothing wrong with licking out the middle.

Fantastic Reality - clearly you know me in RL

Poledra lives the kind of life that one imagines Kirstie Allsop to- dizzying professional success tempered slightly by an air of shambolic ease, and punctuated by fabulous shoes. She had a difficult time when the children were small, but once she found a fabulous gay nanny named Steve everything slotted into place: she had time to think, and someone who knew the best outlet villages for Jimmy Choos. Her husband is quite distinguished, with a baffled demeanor and a habit of absent-mindedly letting his red wine glass rest on the arm of the cream sofa, which Poledra finds exasperating, but rarely mentions as she knows how lucky she is to have found someone who indulges her passion for Medieval Re-enactment weekends.

Actually, the Creme egg bit is true.....

OMG, I really want the bit about Steve to be true!!

I know, I quite fancy Mr Shineon myself.

Poledra is a mother of three from the Cambridge environs who is jolly handy with a punt. She has a neat little figure and not a hint of a mummy tummy in her size 8 jeans, even with number four on the way. Her one flaw is that her Mac Raspberry Beret lipstick sometimes ends up on her teeth. Living in the UK equivalent of Silicon Valley (her DP has an IT firm), life is good, in an executive homes sort of way; but she has been recently been enjoying the attention - nothing more - of the big shouldered tutor at her tango class.

Oh fuck - no no no no no

Awww I'm loving this thread. Has cheered me up no end. Methinks all you clever ladies should be writing comedy novels. Such wit and great way with words

would anyone do me please?

ihavenewsockson is an Alpha mummy who always arrives at the school gates 10 minutes early to get to stand in line first. your hair is bouncy shoulder length blonde with just the right amount of colour in it and of course you NEVER have roots growing out.
your DD's hair is plaited and her black shoes are shiny and of course, socks are white as snow.
you like playing tennis or doing pilates and sometimes wander whether anybody knows that you and your DH never do it doggy style because you are scared he will miss!

you feel you have to keep up with the Jones' and are secretly annoyed that DD's best friend had a better children's entertainer at her party than DD did.

Ihavenewsockson is the surprised mother of twin boys at 24, maker of her own bath bombs and lover of American cop dramas. Living in a large rented house in Bradford now, having drifted there following her Modern Languages degree at Leeds, she is active in local politics and slightly disillusioned with her DP who, after studying Social Policy, is now working as a Marketing Officer for a phone directory, whose offices are based in Ilkley. He used to enjoy doing the Guardian Weekend crossword with her on a Saturday over veggie breakfasts at the local pub with the twins snoozing in their double buggy, but has reverted to type and has started wanting to watch Soccer Saturday in bed. She can't complain too much as his parents are loaded and live in Harrogate, and sub the pair of them to the tune of a grand a month.

Oh please do me!!

PRSB has, in fact, plump baps and a soggy rump, but it is only soggy because her DS is learning to use a big boy cup for his juice and has thrown it over the sofa again to be sat on.

(sorry I know that's not a real one)