what do you imagine I look like...

[fruitshootsandheaves]

what image do my name and my useless advice posts conjure up?

oh oh oh me too please!

wow those are both great!
LMAO!
but nothing like me apart from the mum at 24 bit

And me...

Clue: I do not have a wooden leg. Or an eyepatch.

Trillian- can you see my house?!? You are spookily correct (well, fifty percent, anyway- and I'm not saying which 50 it is....)

My turn pleeaasssseeee! Pretty please?

LouLoves does, in fact, like jelly, but it's not aeroplane shaped, it's willy shaped, as she is the director of a multi-national sex toys company. She is twenty six and is married to Johannes, whom she met whilst waterskiing in Bognor Regis. She was testing a new design of wetsuit at the time and saved him from probable death when her skis had knocked him unconscious.

She has houses in Dubai, Venice and Basingstoke and likes nothing better than curling up with Johannes and their eight cats. She always wears one purple earring and is very mysterious about its provenance, saying only that if she doesn't wear it, her company and therfore her life will collapse.

These are very good - v.funny thread

ohhh now that is scary - my boss is called Johannes (and not spunky at all). I wish that was my job though

Mollyroger is in fact a 5ft, teeny tiny powerhouse of a junior school teacher. Her dog is called Molly and her husband, a cool 6ft 4, is called Roger. They are both into sailing and she has a penchant for wearing crisp white sports shorts to school in the summer. When people stare at her she twinkles to herself as she thinks they are admiring her cute little knees, when in actual fact they are wondering how it works when her and Rog get it on.

Upagumtree is a Peterborough based ex-goth turned local Slimmer of the Year. Her scrofulous teenage sons were pictured in the Peterborough Gazette, each posing resentfully in one leg of her giant old bags, as she size twelved it in a coral pink cocktail frock and slimmer's sash. Bucked by her success, she is currently taking a correspondence course in Nail Art with the University of Kettering.

fuck me, that is uncanny!

LadyT, anyone done you yet?

Is it too late to get 'done'?

Yes they have, MR, about three pages back.

I feel like one of those five quid caricaturists on Brighton pier. Rrrrrrright Oregonian:

Oregonian is an sex therapist of some note, having left America for good in the 1980s and married a Jungian psychotherapist called Walton Gladwell III, both of whom practise on the ground floor of their redbrick house in Belsize Pk. Big bosomed and easy talking, she helps uptight banker's wives find their whistles and bells with the help of a dental mirror, some KY jelly and some Eastern themed chillout music. Fond of charm bracelets, has a teenager daughter called Skye.

hilarious.

I do give rather a lot of sex advice... I wonder if I could make a career of it???

Hey, have you just described Barbara Streisand's character in Meet the Fockers??!!!

Unconsciously, perhaps. My mind is a junk shop.

Ooh -do me!!!

Very good LadyThompson that's hilarious... if only coral pink was my colour. But your bang on cue with the ex goth thing!! Very funny indeed. You should mke a living out of this sort of thing

oh do me, do me!!

I'll come back and do some this evening- my head hurts

I will be back later after a few hours in the flotation tank...

Me??? (shy emoticon)

namechanger is more than just a namechanger- she is also a shapeshifter. In her thirty-one years she has masqueraded as Terry Wogan, Claudia Schiffer and Princess Beatrice.

At the moment though she is living in her own guise. She is four feet nine inches tall, has pink and burgundy dyed hair and favours dirndl skirts and crocs. She is married to Dave who is a masseur in Islington. Dave thinks she is gorgeous in all her persona but particularly likes Claudia Schiffer, which has caused some spectacular rows in the namechanger household.

IwoulddoDrWho is an Amazonian-esque lady with slicked-back black-as-night hair. She plays lacrosse and netball for fun and can often be seen practising her goal shooting at night on her local netball courts.

She dislikes being in the company of others for more than two hours every day as it brings her out in hives.

She has a phobia about vanilla flavouring and has been known to fling fake vanilla ice-cream at unsuspecting waiters.

She sounds scary but in fact is as soft as butter. She is always ready to lend a hand to those in need and those who are close to her are feel they are lucky to be her friend.