MNet Newbie Guide - what would be your top piece advice on Mumsnet etiquette?

[JustineMumsnet]

We wanted to put together a humourous yet telling guide for Mumsnet newbies, full of practical advice on how to get along in Mumsnet land.

You know the type of things...

Opening posts/ nicknames/ topics to avoid until you get the hang of it. Or don't post on AIBU if you don't want to hear that you are? Or please don't use textspeak/do use punctuation and paragraphs/ don't call people Hun.

Many many thanks. We'll bung it altogether one day soon.

Thank you in advance oh kind and good Mumsnetters.

Ha Ha - thought we'd get loads of responses for this one - can I also add in a plea for Ill-advised first posts:
Eg Great site but why oh why are there no tickers????

Don't do as we do, do as we say. We reserve the right to be judgey.

Everyone loves it when people type 'fgs go and play with your children' or 'ffs some of you aren't fit to be mothers!' every now and then, keeps everyone on their toes.

1: Set google as your home page.
2: learn to use it before you come on here asking dumbass questions like ''quick, quick, how do i boil an egg?''

Remember that this is a public board and threads will come up on google searches. If you don't want to be identified by your RL friends, don't post anything that gives away who you are.

dont post your own childrens names and expect them to be liked

Don't start an AIBU thread about your lazy, benfit cheating neighbours unless they make so much noise during sex it puts you off your teatime treat ...

dont turn your nose up at iceland and expect not to be called names

don't post that your child has a snuffle at 11pm on a sunday unless you want 300 mumsnetters telling you to 'call a doctor NOW'

Yes they always over react regarding illness

I'd never used any sort of chat forum before MN. I was too stupid to realise that you don't hijack threads, you start one of your own. I wanted advice re my wayward teenage DD, spotted a thread about a wayward teenage DD and just leapt in there with my own woes. And I've seen other people make the same mistake - it seems blindingly obvious now, but it really isn't if you're new to this forum lark. So that's something that may need pointing out (preferably in words of one syllable).

Don't post messages that consist entirely of emoticons e.g.

then disappear for an hour

Keep competitive sadding to a mininum.

I don't like those "Hi I'm new let me introduce myself" threads.

Don't be so needy, just jump right in.

Also: don't flounce. Just piss off.

No matter how 'Reasonable' you and the majority of the population think you are, there will be at least 6 people who think YABVVU.

dont bother telling us you have a 'secret'

just keep it to yourself thanks

If you are a WOHM posting about some crisis to do with nanny / nursery etc, you can be guaranteed that within about 15 posts someone will come along and say
"if you're that worried, why don't you give up work and stay at home"

or
"why did you bother to have children"

sure as eggs is eggs.....

Baby names: either don't post at all or, if you do, expect to receive replies like "Oh don't call her Mary. I knew someone at school called Mary and she was a bitch".

Dont' come on in a blind panic asking us if we think you might be pregnant

We don't actually live in your uterus

buy a fecking test

Don't link to a distressing news story without warning of it's content.

And if you do think you are pregnant, but are unable to get out to buy a test, use this one.

dont start a thread about a celebrity in 'in the news' this might offend

celebrity stories MUST i am told - be in 'sleb gossip'

god thats a whole lot of DON'Ts

lets have some DOs

do look about and make yourself at home
do remember people on here have known each other for a long time so if you don't understand a wee 'chat' in the middle of a thread don't worry about it (am aware thats a do and a don't in one!!)

do appreciate this site for what it is - a mine of information from people who can help

Quite right too, Ria

DO remember that you are just looking at words on the screen......sticks and stones and all that.