Help we need your thoughts on: Everything you need to know about Toddlers for G2

[JustineMumsnet]

Hello Mumsnetters,
Am compiling a G2 piece to promote our fabby new MN Guide - Toddlers, and need some hilariously witty yet useful and practical tips/advice from you about how to deal with toddlers to supplement the best of the book. Pretty please?

Gin - lots of it

(when they are eventually in bed)

hth

wine
telly
chocolate

"this too will pass" writ large above the cleaning products, so that you see it every time you go to clean biro from the sofa/wall/older brother/cat

bribery

toddlers are irrational, egotistic, despotic beings. at some point they turn into nice children but in teh meantime turn on cbeebies and don't expect them to 'share' or 'play nice'

Pick your battles. Some stuff is worth arguing with your toddler about, some isn't. Give them a choice over the unimportant things and your life, stress levels and gin bills will be a lot lower.

Pretend they belong to someone else, especially in public.

if there is no blood and it isnt on fire DONT PANIC

Oh yes cmot - I find "do you want to wear this jumper or that jumper" can give them enough choice to prevent the going out in the rain wearing nothing but a hat, nappy and wellies argument.

The illusion of choice is a powerful tool

A toddler can give the Incredible Mr Stretch a run for his money. Given half a chance whilst you?re busy doing, say, a spot of MNing, they will seek, locate and remove a corkscrew and kebab skewer from the cutlery drawer you didn?t know they could reach and will be performing open heart surgery on their bear (or baby brother/sister if you're really unlucky). Even second or third time round, it?s impossible to stay one step ahead of a toddler.

The worst thing about toddlers is that they keep GROWING - just when you think everything is at a safe distance they gain an inch overnight and you're left shaking your head over the remains of the cutlery drawer/chocolate stash/best china.

Although they can walk, they can't walk.

They get tired and demand a carry after 2 metres, and during that 2 metres of walking, they pull your arm, walk in front of you so you trip up and then step in dog shit if they can find it.

if its quiet ..panic. a silent toddler is a danger seeking missile.

Or a stealth bomber really would be more apt.

chocolate buttons

in toddler land, everything can be resolved with chocolate buttons

A brush is a brush to a toddler even if it is for cleaning the loo!

Don't leave open tins of gloss lying around especially if you have a cat.

It's expensive and dangerous.

The table, walls, doors and in fact anything is apparently more satisfying to draw on than the nice flat piece of paper that you've put in front of them.

Agree with KW - a quiet toddler is finding something bad to do.

Sometimes they wait to walk until they are sure that they'll be able to do it - so don't be surprised if they start running without falling over on day 2 of walking - ie be prepared.

Breakfast can sometimes feel more like a marathon - particularly when you have to allow at least one if not two circuits of the kitchen table between mouthfulls.

Try to check your work clothes before 11am at the office - you never know what an artful toddler can do without you realising before you leave for work.

Agree wholeheartedly with MP:

"in toddler land, everything can be resolved with chocolate buttons "

They don't care if they piss on the floor

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Accept that toddlers are made of snot and leftover breakfast.

Also - rename things creatively.

For example: sweeties = fruit flakes. Biscuits = rice cakes. Works until they learn to read, anyway...

you're best off spending the years from age 2 to 4 Mumsnetting

then problem of discipline etc doesn't arise

"Mummy me flush your purse in toilet"
"what...? oh...lovely darling, well done.... 'yes you certainly ARE being unreasonable' "

Some toddlers are climbers. Some toddlers are not. People whose children are not will never understand that you CANNOT stop them doing it, you can just make it slightly safer.

Teach them how to come downstairs safely before you find out that they can in fact climb up stairs.