Help we need your thoughts on: Everything you need to know about Toddlers for G2

[JustineMumsnet]

Hello Mumsnetters,
Am compiling a G2 piece to promote our fabby new MN Guide - Toddlers, and need some hilariously witty yet useful and practical tips/advice from you about how to deal with toddlers to supplement the best of the book. Pretty please?

You have reminded me Franny -some toddlers like to flush random things down the toilet. If you have one of these put a bolt on the outside of the loo door.

that you will look back when they're older and remember it all fondly, airily saying "oh it wasn't that bad really...."

I find distraction works best with toddlers, or if nothing else it works wonders on me.
Toddler throwing themself on floor screaming- distract them by pointing at big red bus.

Toddler still throwing themself on floor screaming, distract myself with food/ mumsnet/something else until tantrum is over.

Toddlers are over rated.

Some toddlers are fiddlers - if your's is one, you will know. Others who do not have fiddlers will say airily that 'we just tell them no, and they don't touch it again'. DO NOT throw them under the nearest bus.

Accept your child for what they are, and decided whether you want to spend your life shouting at them/running across the room etc, or if you are just going to not leave the phone on the side/ move the ornaments and teach them about turning the fire on safely

Bubble mixture is the single most important piece of toddler kit you should have in your handbag. It is great for any kind of queue/waiting room/tantrum.
And from parental point of view, most importantly, is a toddler activity which can be done sitting down....

Something that made me chuckle out loud on MN once was "the scariest word in toddler-lingo is 'gone'" eg:

"where is the house key / my purse / winning lottery ticket, darling?"
"GONE mummy"

that is true about the bubble mix

produce bubble mix on a rainy English beach and you will be the pied fecking piper

Some toddlers can climb better than the most talented monkey. You can't stop it - just go with it!

Always carry spare food...and wet wipes.

Don't waste the daytime sleep doing housework.

Just when you think you have found a handy snack that they like, and buy a box (see slug's comment) they will always change their mind and not like that variety anymore.

Feel proud when your toddler screams for oranges in the supermarket, not sweets/chocolage

toddlers jumping off the table for you to catch them for the millionth time will not wait for you to turn round - cue sudden heavyweight DS hitting you in the face

Just because the receptionist at A&E knows you all by name, that does not make you a Bad Parent

Ah yes - wipes, food, drink, bubble mixture and I always have a balloon as well - v. portable and can used to relieve boredom most places...

you will get to know the tv repair man very well and smile at his shocked face at finding half a pound of butter in the video machine

they repeat swear words in the clearesand loudest vioce possible especially in the most crowded places.

As BennyandJoon says; "This too will pass".
Repeat to yourself many times over, many times a day, about everything.

Oh, and in the worst moments imagine yourself waving them off at a railway station when they leave home at 18. You will feel awash with either sadness or relief, both of which make a change from exasperation.

Sometimes they can remind you of what it was like to have a sense of humour.

Me to DD (who was wailing inconsolably on the floor): Stop that noise please, DD
DD: s'not noise, Mummy, my crying

Also - "share" is a one-way concept to a toddler - as in "what's mine is mine, and yours/his is mine"

and 90+% of the people watching you carry a rigid, screaming toddler out of a shop are not judging, they are thinking "been there, done that"

At all times remember they are NOT logical beings. They may have committed the Gruffalo to memory, spontaneously remember tiny details from 6 months ago and have you convinced they are highly intelligent. BUT they are NOT logical. Reasonable explanations and arguments are totally lost on them. The sooner you accept this, the less stressful your life will be!

"I want that one" does not necessarily mean what you think it means. Generally speaking, it actually means "I want that one that you didn't give me", loosely translated, thus:-

"DON'T WANT THAT ONE NOOOOOOOOO!"

Ps it really doesn't matter whether or not they say please, that's an additional trick.

A firm no, patience, and a lot of explanation (often repeated) are the only discipline tools that have worked for me (and I have tried everything, believe me).

Love and boundaries required in equal measure.
Secrete a ziplock bag with a small notepad and crayons in your handbag so you always have something to distract them with!
The sooner you accept that toddlers and sticky faces/hands go together, regardless of the number of times you hose them down, the more relaxed you will be.

Brief, brief, and brief again. Toddlers don't realise you may have plans, you don't realise they do, and if you clash it ain't pretty. So tell them the whole day's plan, then the morning, then again and again. May seem like a constant rabbiting, but it is so much nicer than an unseemly half-hour fight over a sock which makes you both late and cross.