Help we need your thoughts on: Everything you need to know about Toddlers for G2

[JustineMumsnet]

Hello Mumsnetters,
Am compiling a G2 piece to promote our fabby new MN Guide - Toddlers, and need some hilariously witty yet useful and practical tips/advice from you about how to deal with toddlers to supplement the best of the book. Pretty please?

DO write down their little toddler sayings/phrases, because they will stop saying them so quickly, but they are very funny when they come out with them.

It is a phase.

Remember and repeat.... this too will pass

forget only to be replaced by something worse and much less cute

Learn the phrase
!What fresh hell is this?!
Apply daily

Don't buy a new couch until the youngest is potty trained.

haven't had time to read them all but

sudocrem is a bugger for getting out of hair/eyebrows/the cat..

check the washing machine before you turn it on. Playdough does not make good substitute washing powder, nor do kittens require such a thorough washing.

never ever cup your hands to catch the result of your toddlers sickness bug while standing on a bunk bed ladder.

"In the Night Garden" is manna to a toddler in the way that any of those food/property porn programmes is to us

Don't let your toddler watch the plumber fit the kitchen sink.

He will take every opportunity from that day on to fiddle with the pipes and flood the kitchen.

Banana with chocolate buttons melted inside is the nicest thing this mummy ever made

Followed by bananas in custard

Ronaldinhio yes ITNG= preverbal frolic porn

miniature daschund (pride and joy before pfb) looks just as good constantly caked in oatibix

I find a runny nose is the perfect accessory for anything Johnny Boden choses to peddle

If you have more than one don't intervene until you see blood. Helps them learn conflict resolution from an early age.

Ah yes...the joys of lazy parenting!

Do not let your toddler watch the builders

Do not let your toddler wander off with his/her 'drink'

Make sure the temp of your water isn't too hot, they suddenly discover how to work taps!

Use the correct names for everything - letting them call toothepaste 'suncream' comes a cropper in the summer.

Saying that, stealth names are great - calling lemonade 'special water' etc

a few thoughts that have helped me survive some pretty insane confrontations with my incredibly strongwilled dd1 (just about to turn 3):

*I wonder if Gandhi/Mandela/Mother Theresa/Jesus also had monster tantrums? In public places?

*take tantrums as a lesson in negotiation techniques- I have learned invaluable lessons for my job- basically, if you negotiate like a toddler (never ever back down, and if you can't get your way- just throw yourself on the floor and scream) you'll win pretty much every argument!

choose playgroups with chairs (for you) and clear sight lines. Tea is a bonus.

Everything in the world is 'mine'. Especially if it's yours. Even if they have an identical one.

If they want to take the lid of the toothpaste/open the juice/pour their own cereal/open the door LET THEM. Your eardrums will thank you.

When your children are older (say 5 and 8 perhaps) you will look at them and regret that you can't remember what they were like as toddlers. You will be around friends with toddlers and be unable to recall what it was like to have a walking baby, capable of trashing a room in 10 minutes flat, but as yet unable to talk, go to the loo or wipe his/her own nose. And you will honestly feel rather wistful about it all!

Look after your back. You will spend months just HOVERING, leaning anxiously over your child as they stagger around, always just inches away from death (sockets, cars, stairs, dogs...) You won't realise the damage that has been done until it is all over and you have a dowager's hump.

Do not get distressed by their continued refusal to share, take turns, or stop bashing smaller children at playgroup. They simply do not understand. Do, however, continue telling them (loudly) the correct way to behave and that you simply Will Not Tolerate Such Behaviour. It doesn't matter that it will make no difference; you're only doing it to safeguard your reputation among the other mums.

Do not waste your time reasoning with your child or appealing to their better nature. They don't have one. Toddler control is about bribery and manipulation. They are not rocket scientists and you really should be able to outwit them.

hester: DS is currently winning 5:3 in this house. Wits at low ebb

echoing hester, when observing toddlers, you realise why socialism and communism are doomed and will always fail- sharing is simply not part of the humane nature, we are all born individualistic little shits and it's only through years of conditioning that we can learn to cohabit to a degree!

Do NOT apply the usual parenting tools to toddlers - it will fail:

Replace clear sanctions with open bribery
Do not waste time expecting them to show remorse and sorrow -they can?t
Chocolate is a useful behavioural management tool
Letting them eat in supermarkets is sometimes a good idea
Anyone stupid enough to leave pot plants on the ground and invite a toddler round are fair game

I don't have anything to add as I am in the midst of toddlerdom here, but I wanted to say THANK YOU for all of these words of wisdom. After a very demanding day with my two year old, this thread has made me feel so much better

Don't attempt to reason with them. They have no internal logic fathomable to humankind.

You spend the first 2yrs encouraging them to walk and talk

The following years you just want them to sit down and shut up

(Joke, obviously )