Help we need your thoughts on: Everything you need to know about Toddlers for G2

[JustineMumsnet]

Hello Mumsnetters,
Am compiling a G2 piece to promote our fabby new MN Guide - Toddlers, and need some hilariously witty yet useful and practical tips/advice from you about how to deal with toddlers to supplement the best of the book. Pretty please?

That stain on your sofa may be chocolate-equally,it may be poo.Just clean it off with a disposable cloth.DO NOT SNIFF!

just remember that its always just a phase.

sadly the next phase is probably going to be worse!

snot is always much tastier than anything green you put on the plate

The TV remote control is a toddlers best friend and could give you RSI. 'change change, ^noooo CHANGE!!!'

They are magically drawn to anything you may wish to keep locked away in the secret cupboard of doom. (you know; sharp, pointy, burny, things) Under no circumstances assume it will be ok to leave cupboard locked for a second while you nip to the loo.
The child who takes 3 hours to eat a slice of toast can move bloody fast when the option of sharp pointy dangerous things arises....

When you lose them (and you will) remember the mumsnet advice and shout the colour of their clothes not their name. Worked a treat in my local Ikea - thanks to whoever suggested it.

Should your toddler utter the phrase "I'm being Tarzan! in a packed play area/restaurant/shopping centre, panic. As every toddler knows, "Tarzan wears just pants"

Accept that people wil stare and whisper when your 'little Angel' is laying on the supermarket floor refusing to move. Resist urge to flick them the 'V' sign, just smile sweetly and ignore as you drag your child along on his/her knees

Toddlers are great fun. We never laughed as much.

They will sit still in restaurants if you have brought them to one with you all their life. Give toddlers a balanced diet of whatever you're eating. NEVER make special 'kids menu' stuff for them. if they don't eat what you've offered, they will eat more next meal.

They are reasonable if you expect them to be and you are reasonable yourself.
Be consistent.
Be realistic.
Be compassionate.
Don't bribe them, reward them.

Involve them in everything you do and give them a task. Don't think they will do it to your standards: but have faith they will do their best.
Let them vacuum, let them tidy.
Buy a laundry basket and let them use it. Let them make mistakes. Empower them.
You after all training them to be responsible adults, who don't need you!

Don't treat them like a bomb going off. They will behave as you expect.
Expect to enjoy your life with them, and you'll get along swimmingly.

Don't believe in the "terrible twos". There is no equivalent in Spanish for example, and guess what? Spanish toddlers are lovely.

Give them a choice leading to the outcome you want - "your pink wellies or your green wellies"? Let them negotiate. Listen to their reasons for not wanting to do what you want them to do, step back. Empower them - strive for a WIN WIN solution.

I loved the toddler years. My DD was lovely company. I always expected her to be part of the team and she pulled her weight, as best she could.

I miss her happy, creative little self now she's in pre-school. But that's letting her go isn't it! New phase: good for her, good for me!

Write your mobile number on there hand in case they get lost.

A bright coloured or noticable item of clothing helps find them...

Buy hand cream by the crate load.

"They will sit still in restaurants if you have brought them to one with you all their life"

Toddlers are all different, even amongst siblings. There is every chance that, after an angel child, nature will throw you a curve ball wrapped up in a mop of sandy hair, huge grey eyes and a smile that says "I'm trouble, you'll like me!"

You will feel like a child batterer for every bruise that gets stared at in public and yes you will explain how they got it even to strangers.

Toddlers are great. They are funny, clever, exhausting, resourceful, charming and completely bonkers. And that gives you a chance to be completely bonkers too. When else as an adult can you get away with running round shrieking "na na na na na na na na BATMAN" as you chase a mini-Caped Crusader?

CBeebies is your friend.

Remember never to leave the glitter unattended.

ALways offer them a choice between two items of clothing. Takes their mind off the fact that waht they really want to be is NAKED!

Great advice mcfee

Don't do anything remotely funny unless you are prepared to repeat it several hundred times. AGAIN is the most overused word in a toddler's vocabulary.

Do NOT, even as a joke, teach your toddler wine names, or you will forever be embarrased in the wine aisle at Tescos as they shout "Chardonnay" "Bordeaux" "Gin!!! Daddy likes Gin!!"

Self removal of a poo filled nappy is fun and even more so if they can turn the walls/floor/bed and their faces brown too!

Don't leave the pack/s of baby wipes near your toddler...they will be removed very quickly and deposited everywhere. Ditto toilet roll.

Eggs look solid to your toddler.

Hide your jewelry . Don't leave your rings in the bathroom there are plug holes and the toilet...it's like magic! they can disappear really quickly!Toddlers are like Magpies, they are attracted to shiny objects and will break your 2 million + year old crystal wand clean in half whilst trying to reach a shiny £1 coin

Upside down books are just as exciting as the right way up books.

Think of yourself as a remote control - Your toddler always knows which buttons to press!!

A bus ticket or till receipt can be entertaining to a toddler- place on table and blow. My DD finds it hilarious that she can make it move by blowing. Also depending how you fold it you can get it to make noise as it travels across the table!

Your child is never so joyous about life, so eager to learn and so easily entertained by small things as when he/she is a toddler...

However Hellish it is now, you will look back at those golden toddler years with such rose tinted fondness in approx 10 years' time